I Judge

Posted: 23rd July 2010 by jenni in Adultery, Faith, Friends, Life Experience
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I. Judge. Everyone.

Seriously… I do.  The minute you walk into the room,  I will rate you on a scale of one to ten.

I’m quite aware of this most of the time… but right now, I’m sitting at PDX International Airport waiting on a delayed flight sitting next to Chatty Cathy & Rambling Ron. Fortunately, they’ve found each other so I can blog about them in “privacy”. Just kidding. Sort of.

All this got me thinking about all that’s wrong with my thoughts and intentions.

Back to my topic: I judge people.

Not because I’m worried you’re prettier than me.
Not because you may be smarter than me.
Not even because you may have more to offer the world than me.

I am merely judging you on how much I THINK you can hurt me if I let you in.

Life is about relationships. From the shallow “I-sorta-know-you-but-barely-remember-your-name” acquaintance-like relationships to the once in a lifetime DEEP “I-know-what-you’re-thinking-the-moment-I-hear-your-voice” relationship. Whichever way… it’s still a relationship. So, I’m careful about how far I will allow you into my world.

Since my affair, I’ve been WAY more careful about how much and WHO I let into my life. Much of this has been good.

The reality of all this is because I fear being judged. Don’t we all?

In the last year, I’ve invested deeply into a good handful of relationships. Instead of fearing judgment, I’ve INVITED them to judge me. Instead of holding them at arms length, fearing they’ll say something that will hurt my heart, I’ve invited them into my heart, knowing their words MAY tear down parts of my heart, but trusting fully that they will (with the help of our God) rebuild me into who I really was created to be (wow, run-on sentence. whatever).

I can’t stay this way.

Selfish.
Private.
Hiding.
Hurting.

It’s time to rebuild.

I’m going into an weekend with some amazingly wonderful women who I KNOW will “judge” me lovingly and prayerfully rebuild me into who Jenni Clayville was meant to be. It’s time.

Maybe judging isn’t all that bad.

Do YOU judge? More importantly… do you allow yourself to BE judged?

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Weeding

Posted: 21st July 2010 by jenni in Garden
45

Today, I weeded my garden.

Correction. I didn’t just weed my garden, I weeded 1/3 of my entire yard.

As I was weeding, I thought through all the parallel’s weeding has with my daily life:

It’s difficult work.
If you aren’t paying attention, you can uproot something valuable with your weed.
Sometimes, you can mistake a good plant for a weed.
Sometimes, you can mistake a weed for a good plant.
Sometimes, the root doesn’t come up with the top because it’s buried so deep.
I don’t want to look that closely at the mess.

I had ALL these great things to write about in my blogpost… but then, I got here and decided I was tired.

So, instead, I’ve decided to make this post about you.

I hate weeding. I would rather take a BB gun bullet to the leg than weed. You may find this interesting since I love cleaning as much as I do.

ANYWAY… what do you HATE doing?

Let’s get your brain going. Here are some examples I’ve heard:

Washing your windows.
Going to the dentist.
Paying bills.
Talking to your neighbors.
Making sure your socks all have partners.
Calling your mother back.
Stretching.
Emptying the lint from the dryer.
Conducting a scientific study of polymer synthesis and it’s effects on the world.

Ready? GO!

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Guest Post: Investing a Windfall

Posted: 20th July 2010 by jenni in Faith, Family, Friends, Guest Bloggers
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Jenni first asked Diane and me to guest post on her blog within the first 24 hours of our arrival in Oregon mid May to celebrate her & Brian‘s vow renewal.

It’s now mid-July, and we’ve been back in Northern Ireland for one week after our two week trip somehow extended to almost nine weeks.

And like much of the year leading up to our US adventure, we’ve been left with brainmush : too much to process, too much to think about, too many memories, too many dreams…

Yet, not enough.

And…still no guest post written.  Any time I tried to write, it was even more random than the random list posts I often inflict upon my own readers. So random it didn’t come close to making any sense.

Until today.

Investing a windfall

Every now and then, usually two or three times per month week day hour, I like to think about what I’d do if I had $X.  X is usually more than a million, but sometimes it’s smaller, because I think small needs extra creativity to invest wisely (spot the accountant).

When we embarked on our MassLifeChange Plan™ in 2008, just about the only thing we knew for sure was that in the midst of everyone doing the opposite, God was telling us to declutter.  We knew it would be painful, as amongst other things it would mean reducing our massive debt burden.  In the 20 months since, we’ve reduced our debt by 95%, we’ve doubled the percentage of our income that we give away, and we’ve revamped our retirement savings plan (as I was saying, spot the accountant).

Oh yes…and we’ve also emigrated half way round the world. As you do.

In the midst of all this, we dreamed about being able to visit the new friends in the USA we’d made via blogging and Twitter during the time that the MLC Plan™ was in action, and while I had some ideas how that might happen, they really were just that – ideas to make dreams come true.

But emigrating is expensive; especially emigrating “with cat“ (which is kind of like being “with child”, but…not…), so it was looking like a dream for another time.

Then we were asked if we could make it to Oregon to take part in Brian & Jenni’s vow renewal. Gulp. How could we possibly say no??

So with no real notion how we were going to make it happen because the aforementioned ideas weren’t showing signs of becoming reality, we said yes. Then God proceeded to smirk as He watched me discover how it would happen : through my own lack of attention to detail.

What? Exactly.  And if you know me, you’ll know lack of attention to detail is SO not me.

The MLC Plan™ worked so effectively that a debt I’d already finished paying off, kept getting paid off.  For an extra year.  We effectively found ourselves with a savings account; an unexpected windfall.

Whaaaat?

For a split second, my mind went through all the the things we could do with that money : slash our remaining debt, sponsor some more children, leave it as savings…

But none of those options were right.  This money needed to be invested wisely.  So we came and spent two weeks months in Oregon, and the return on that investment is incalculable and eternal.

How would you invest a windfall?

 

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My Handful

Posted: 19th July 2010 by jenni in Family, Friends, Life Experience
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“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.”
George Washington

I’m not one that has a lot of friends.

I have a LOT of acquaintances… and I like a LOT of people… and I’d hope a lot of people like me back, but I can’t say I have a lot of close, intimate friends.

I used to have none. I didn’t trust anyone. But that didn’t end up working out so well for me.

Life is different now. I’ve surrounded myself with a good handful of people I trust completely. I know this “handful” of people will call me out when I need it. I know without a shadow of a doubt that this “handful” will question me unashamedly if there is even a hint of question-worthiness. They are not afraid of asking the difficult questions. There is no such thing as “none-of-my-business” with my crew.

And that’s how I like it.

But best of all… they pray for me. I know they are praying for me before I even know I need it. They are talking to our God about specific needs for me before I even ask them to. They are (as one of them likes to put it) “THROWING DOWN” spiritual coverage for me, for Brian, and for my family.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.” 
Henri Nouwen

This last week was a really spiritually overwhelming week. Brian and I just feel like there is some SERIOUS spiritual warfare going on around our family right now. Nothing bad has happened. We have just seen and experienced heightened spiritual activity. It’s exciting really.

Anyhoo… Brian emailed some of our friends the night we first felt it. They ALL immediately jumped on the prayer wagon with us. They didn’t just say “I’ll pray for you” and call it good. They checked in after… some even prayed so diligently the received a word/picture/feeling from God to tell us.

They stepped onto the spiritual battle field with us.

Right now, I feel overwhelmingly blessed.

And tomorrow… a couple of our closest friends, David & Diane (who are we kidding… they’re family) are writing a guest post here. Hang tight… cuz it’s gonna be a good one.

I’ve been an idiot for so much of my life, I’m seriously surprised I have any friends at all. But God is good… and I’ll take that till I’m dead.

“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.” 
Laurence J. Peter

Ok. Your turn:

“A friend is… (fill in the blank)”

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Guilt Triggers

Posted: 12th July 2010 by jenni in Adultery, Chance, Family, Life Experience, Motherhood
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All the boys in the neighborhood have at least ONE Bionicle. Chance had none.

I have to be honest… it’s a really cool toy for a boy his age. I told him that once he raised enough in his allowance, he could buy it himself. So he’s been working really hard and raising his funds. He’s had the right amount for over 2 months now, but we just haven’t gone out to get it yet.

One day, last week, our sweet neighbor boy (who also happens to be a good friend of Chance’s) left a part of his Bionicle toy outside (yes, they come in pieces… they are lego afterall). Unbeknownst to me, Chance decided to bring it inside to play with it.

This in itself isn’t bad. But wait…

So, neighbor boy comes to the door and asks, “Have you seen my Bionicle part? I left it outside and it’s not there anymore.” Chance walks outside and proceeds to tell him a long, detailed story about seeing someone pick it up and take it.

The next morning, I see him playing with a toy I had never seen before. As I watch, it all clicked.

I ask about the toy. He gets quiet. I ask more specific questions:

Me: “Is this a Bionicle part?”
Chance: “Mmmhmm.”
M: “Do you have a Bionicle?”
C: “No.”
M: “Does this belong to (insert neighbors name)?”
C: “He left it outside!”
M: “Yes, I know… did you take it?”
C: “I was just holding it for him, Mom!”
M: “Then, why didn’t you give it back when he came over and asked about it yesterday?”
C: *quiet* then tears.

This was the first time Chance had done anything like this. Chance knew he had messed up. He had taken something that didn’t belong to him, then lied about it for an extended period of time. He was devastated. I was devastated. Not only for him… but for what all this meant. It hit me. Sin nature affects my beautiful children as well.

This triggered so many thoughts within me.

“If this were me when I was little, my mom would be screaming and beating me right now!”
“What’s the right thing to do?”
“Should we just leave it outside and have them find it again?”
“I can’t just glaze over this.”
“This is a teaching moment. I hate teaching moments.”
“Chance needs to be disciplined.”
“But I also took something that didn’t belong to me and lied about it.”
“OMW… He got this from me.”

I had to leave him in a time-out so I could go upstairs to pray and cry. How do I discipline my child for something I’ve also done?

Remorse. Sadness. Disappointment. Conviction. Humility. Guilt.

Then God whispered His love in my ear: “One of those are not from me, sweet girl.” GUILT.

I got up (4 minute time out for a 4 year old), wiped away my tears, went downstairs, put Chance in my lap:

Me: “Honey, you chose to do a very bad thing. You took something that didn’t belong to you. That’s called stealing… and that makes God, Mommy and Daddy sad. But we can fix it. Do you want to fix it?”
C: *nodded through his tear-filled eyes*
M: “Me too. We need to go next door and return this toy. You need to apologize. And mommy will be there with you the whole time. Are you ready to do this?”
C: *nodded again. then wrapped his arms around my neck.*
M: “Baby… we all mess up sometimes. We all choose the wrong thing to do. And that’s ok as long as we learn from that and don’t do it again. You know Mommy loves you right?”
C: *Quiet* (So, I take his face to mine and ask him…)
M: “Does Mommy love you?”
C: *nods* “Yes.”
M: “You can never do ANYTHING that would make me not love you.”

And there it was.

No matter how much guilt triggered my life, today, I am different. In this moment, I was reminded of what God has been telling me this past year:

“You can never do ANYTHING that would make ME not love you. In fact, I sent my Only Son to die for you so that we could be together forever, I love you that much. Stand up and go make it right.”

A couple days ago, Brian and I took Chance to finally buy his very own Bionicle.

This is a 4 year-old’s version of grace, forgiveness and restoration.

What triggers you?

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David’s Shorts

Posted: 9th July 2010 by jenni in Chance, Friends, Misc
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How to keep your old clothes looking “new” and trendy.

Are you creative with your older clothes?

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