Loneliness hits at the strangest time.
Yesterday, I got to hang out with Amber Isborn because our kids had a playdate during the day, then in the evening, I went to the Blazer’s opening game with Cindy Payne. The night before, I got to have a spa date with Angela Lawton. I actually don’t ever go out two nights in a row like this and rarely even go out twice in a week.
You see, I prayed for girlfriends. I have mourned the loss of many friends so now I’m not only investing in the girlfriends I already have, but I’m making new ones. God is blessing me. It’s like I have girlfriends coming out of the woodworks.
So, why do I feel so lonely?
This is what I discovered: I’m mourning the loss of friends from my past 8 years.
Some of my closest friends I bonded with most were from my old church. We worked together, we spent every day together, we shared life together… FRIENDS. But, when I left that church, it felt as if I was ex-communicated immediately by many. It was almost as if I was no longer someone they needed to invest time in because I no longer had anything to offer them. I could no longer help meet their need, so the “friendship” was over too. I’m not saying this is what REALLY happened… I’m just saying this is how it FELT to me.
Then, I came out with my secret. I know “they” know. ”They”… the one’s I didn’t actually tell face-to-face because the rumor mill beat me to it… but save TWO friends, “they” never called.
Don’t get me wrong. I am certain I still have many friends from that church. In fact, some have walked me through the last eight months and prayed us through our hardest times. I will FOREVER be grateful for them. What I am merely saying is this: I am overwhelmingly sad to have spent so many years serving with people who no longer nod at my existence. Sad.
So… here are my thoughts:
I am someone who most recognize.
I was on the platform.
I was on staff… oversaw a ministry.
I was usually surrounded by people, friends, acquaintances.
I’m outgoing and PLUGGED into the church.
I’m pretty foundationally secure in my faith.
However… when my world fell apart, I felt abandoned… outcasted… gossiped about… forgotten by the church I spent 8 years at.
WHAT ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE?
What about the unrecognized?
The quiet church-goer?
The silent servant volunteer?
The lonely “un-friendable”?
The reserved and unplugged?
The foundationally insecure… the roamer?
What about them?
This is not about me. This isn’t about “that” church. This is about the UNchurched… the hurting… the alone… the SINNER… like you and me. This is about them. This is about what WE are doing for THEM.
40“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’ 41“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ 44“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ 45“He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
~ Matthew 25:40-45
Come on, Church… it’s time to step up when the times get tough.
Um..it’s called human..that’s what grace is for. The human in all of us.
amen, sistah…
… i so often forget these little things myself
I know abandoned. I’m sorry you know it so well. The worst for me was when my sister de-friended me on fb. “However… when my world fell apart, I felt abandoned… outcasted… gossiped about… forgotten by…” those with who I shared the fist few decades of my life. Yep, I know this place. Denise is right, humans are sad.
i think if we’re all honest with ourselves… and each other… we ALL feel this. it’s what we do with it that can be healing to those around us, right?
*Sigh* I understand. Enough said.
Kristi… I’d love to hear your story sometime. Coffee? Playdate?
I’m going through that right now. It’s been really tough for me but I have really awesome new friends and a great small group. I am not healed all the way yet, but I’m getting there. Thanks for posting.
you’re welcome, natalie. i’ll be praying that you not only find your “place” with your new friends and group, but that you find a way to reach out to others that are lonely too. can you imagine what could happen if we all just cared for ONE lonely person?
I appreciate that- and i believe God allowed us to go through things only the loney and hurt will understand and if i can help ONE person, it would have ALL been worth it.
Oh sister. I am sorry you are in mourning but I am glad that God is bringing you friends out of the woodwork. I too, have been praying for friends and have seen God open these doors for me. It isn’t easy to open up and let new or old friends back in. Especially if we have been hurt in the past. But this is something I know God is asking me to have the courage to do—and I know He is asking the same of you. I love you.
love you too!
I have incredible respect for honesty and transparency. I believe that by showing that we are human and that we struggle, we show those that we lead that we understand and empathize with them. More to that, we completely disarm the enemy because the light of Christ shines in all the difficult areas and there is no place for sin to fester and grow. Your story and journey have been nothing short of inspirational to me and your honesty about where you are at and where you have been is a breath of fresh air especially in an arena with jobs like ours in which there is an unspoken expectation placed on those that lead the church to be perfect, happy and whole. I have felt lonely too – because I moved from serving at one congregation to another… because of personal loss… and because I felt at the time that I could not let people into knowing who I really was because they would strip me of my permission to minister to them.
Thanks for sharing your Journey! I am encouraged by it.
Your last sentence hits the nail right on the head, Paulo. It’s not usually just one thing… it’s all of it thrown together. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts here.
I know we’ve talked about this Jenni but I felt the need to say it anyway. Church definitely goes beyond just the walls of a building, and never should church become about what church you go to. But, part of leaving a church and diving into another one is leaving some friendships behind in order to start others. I sense that you are blaming people from your old church for not reaching out to you when in all reality they might feel the same abandonment you felt from them. This doesn’t have to be a negative thing, I just see it as a reality. May friendships are grown out of seeing someone and being around someone consistently. If church was where that happened it takes 10x more effort from each side to make sure the consistency stays in place. Most people don’t have time to give 10x more effort.
Absolutely with you about diving in and starting new friendships in the new community you’re in. I’m also definitely not trying to place blame on people at my old church… heck… I’ve BEEN that person, so I’m pointing finger back at myself too.
Right, wrong or indifferent, human feelings are valid. My feelings are real… with positive and negative all mixed in together. I don’t necessarily hold negative feelings about my old church body (a LOT of my friends were TOTALLY there for me)… just NEGATIVE about the church in general.
Your last couple of sentences make me sad. I don’t think the average person is looking for 10x more effort. I think they just want acknowledgement that they exist. This DOES take effort though.
This is an area we the church are failing in… and calling it “reality” doesn’t help connect people to Christ.
I say it is a reality because I don’t think it is a church thing…I think it is a people thing. We all struggle with figuring out how to balance our lives best.
totally… but people go to church… and they are the church.
i dont write
i dont call
i will be alone in my old age
This is such a complicated conversation.
You know it’s one of my favorite most excruciating challenging topics of stress and conversation after ten years of church ministry and given life, capacity, human failings etc.
love to you Jenni!
flawed me
oh janet… how i love you. you know what i LOVE about you most (besides your hugs)? it’s that you’re WILLING to talk about these things where most ministry leaders aren’t. that’s what makes you NOT a “failure” as a human… as a ministry leader… as a friend.
i’m flawed too. we’re all flawed. like tyler said in his comment… i am certain i’ve left people to feel abandoned too. i also know i’ll continue this for the rest of my life because i am human… but my hope is i do it less and less as the years go by.
we ARE due for some snuggle time though, aren’t we
Well… Here is what I believe. People come in and out of our lives for a “such a time as this”. The reality is, people move and relationships change. It doesn’t mean people don’t still think of you or want what’s best for you, but it just means that God has positioned new people in our lives. I would say that your old church is doing a pretty amazing job at supporting hurting people. It is a deluge of pain over there. And God has provided a huge support for you at your new church. I am sure there are people that have walked away because of your story, but I have not heard the gossip and I am pretty much in the thick of things over there. I had relationship with people for 10 years at a church. Out of 700 people, maybe 2 people would think to call me. It is life. God brings people in and takes people out. We must hold loosely to our relationships and be so thankful when we even have one person who can be called friend. It is rare.
My only other thought is that “friendships” when you are in church ministry, for the most part are not true friendships. I don’t know what you call them, but they are based somewhat on what you do, not as much who you are. Not saying it’s right… but I think it is true. Then again I have enough relational and church baggage to sink a ship. Love you.
I think it is really unfair to say that friendships in the church aren’t true friendships. I have more church baggage than I can even comprehend at most times, and I know that is a false statement to make. Yes, position can bring about false relationships but friends are friends and I believe that Jenni is smart enough and discerning enough to tell the difference.
Jill… i’m just getting to this cuz i was out running around all afternoon and evening.
I totally see what you’re saying and agree to some point. I agree, we’ve moved to a “new church” so most of our support is there. I actually wrote about that in the post. However, I feel there’s quite a bit of generalization in your comment.
I don’t agree that relationships should be held loosely… after all… we are to emulate Christ and he hold his relationship to us quite strongly. Not that he doesn’t let us wander, but he goes out in search for us. Real friendships pursue. I, too, am guilty of not pursuing those I love more.
I don’t think the specific relationships I’m thinking about weren’t true friendship… but you are right that we’re in a new “time” of life. I am merely saying that I am mourning the passing of these relationships.
My question still stands: What are we gonna do when the times gets tough for people? We’re not SUPPOSED to outcast them or ignore them. I’m really not even talking about myself. I’m just talking about people.
i’m sorry for how abandoned you felt at the time you most needed to feel loved and supported. i hate that for you.
i’m excited for the joy that’s gonna follow your mourning.
you know, alece… i think some of that feeling was necessary to heal. it’s impossible to heal without quiet and time… so it had to have been just part of it all.
I agree with Crystal. The only false relationships are the ones that you choose to not be open and transparent in. Position can always effect relationships. But it doesn’t make them fake.
unless you’re BEING fake on purpose. but that’s a whole ‘nother blog post
Jill,
is that really what you think? That’s seems like a pretty jaded view of Church and especially friendship. If someone in a leadership or ministry position can only expect to have “fake” friendships, how can anyone ever grow or be genuinly challenged?
I think you are saying that Church leaders should only be hypocrits and expect all those they serve to be fake. Although we see this happen all to often, I believe we should do everything in our power to avoid that and change it by setting a different example.
This is obviously a hot bed topic by the lengthy and heart felt comments showing up. I am glad Jenni has opened this conversation and am anxious to see what else is said.
Jenni,
thank you for being bold and transparent and continuing to open sensitive subjects to conversation.
I am sorry that I was not clear in my original comment. I was not making a negative comment toward Jenni at all. I think that her transparency has been so brave. I am just saying that from my experience it is rare to find people that will walk the long road. That truly accept the failures of people. I think that Christians in general are cruelest to their own people.
I am certainly not saying that we should be fake at all. Although probably discerning in who you open up to. I just think it is hard to find people that understand the pressure of ministry. I have been in and left churches through my life. I have found very few people are able to maintain the relationship after the ministry is over.
My comment was meant to be more about my experience in church. I understand the mourning and pain of loss of relationship. And I 100% agree that this should not be what happens. I was just acknowledging that it does. And really Jenni…. I am sorry. Rereading my original post…. really didn’t come across the way I intended. Probably why I don’t usually comment on these things.
Jill, I don’t know you of course, but wanted to thank you for clarifying what you meant. This kind of thing (being unable to maintain relationships when people leave) is endemic in the Church in my experience, and it’s so sad.
But I’m not sure if it’s something fundamentally wrong, or just that we don’t handle it well…on both sides.
And I don’t know what the answer is, practically.
Jill… I think you’re great. I know your heart… I didn’t question that you wrote out of a good place, so don’t EVEN worry. SERIOUS!!! I’m not offended. I was definitely confused for a bit… but I’m pretty sure that’s just a normal occurrence, if you know what I mean
I love what you had to write. I wish you would comment more often. I love dialogue – which is how I really see this.
Thank you for your clarification… which I think was SUPER clear. My desire is to be the uncruel Christian. God knows I’ve been cruel long enough.
I love you, friend. And THANK YOU for your comments.
What Brian said.
Both Diane and I know the feeling of friendships seeming fake, and part of it is busyness (a horrible fact), but just as much is a lack of interest in being vulnerable, real, transparent…it scares people,and people includes pastors and church leaders.
I’m glad there’s a group of people, the Church, who want to change this. And we do it by living it ourselves. It may mean getting hurt, ostracised, whatever if it pushes people outside comfort zones…but surely that’s what God is calling us to do.
well good… cuz it scares the “grumpy” outta me
Yep! Me too.
“A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17
I don’t know if it can get any clearer than that.
For me, I’m done with fake. And I don’t just mean that about others – there’s stuff in me that I hate, and I hate that sometimes I feel the need to say nothing to ‘save face’ or go into damage limitation. I’m not suggesting that the church go around and deliberately wound each other with the ‘truth’ or under some misguided appearance of vulnerability, when it’s really attention that they seek – I’ve seen both sides of the coin.
We have to be so careful, it’s a balancing act. We’re meant to be a body that functions, not one that self-harms. We need to show wisdom about who we open up to, and it’s sad that sometimes, we run out of people we can trust. That shouldn’t be how it is – we should be SURROUNDED by good counsel, by people who care about us without agenda. Some people may feel that is impossible, but it’s not.
I need to repent of the times I’ve pulled back (something I do often) when I need to openly, lovingly and open-heartedly dive in and love people. But yes, it hurts when you realise you’re really not that important to people as they are to you. Sometimes we will be abandoned, or feel like it. That’s why the Psalms are such an identifier. It doesn’t mean that we stay there, though. God never abandons us, people do, but God does not desire for us to be alone. We need to push past the cringe factor, and the fear of rejection, because guess what? People WILL reject us, but should that stop our God-given mandate?
We need to realise what we consider to be righteous living is actually self-righteousness. We are blessed when we give to those who don’t have it within themselves to give back, not to those who we know will return the favour. How much freedom will there be when we stop doing things to impress others, wow!
One of the saddest things I’ve ever heard is “I’m a church leader and I can’t be friends with people in my church”. While I appreciate there may be some truth in that statement, it screams of loneliness. If we, or anyone else has given of themselves to a church or a movement, can feel the sting of loneliness, can we even IMAGINE how the marginalised must feel? The socially awkward? The person struggling with sin that’s gnawing away?
I realise this comment is all over the place, but it’s something really close to where I’m at right now. I should’ve put my short version of “church – cut the crap, put down your walls, realise that each one of you has SO much to offer – and offer it.”
We can’t expect everyone to love us, but we can darn well start loving them. This is part of the narrow way of the Kingdom.
I realise that what was in my head sounded better in my head that out. Sorry, Jenni!
oh Diane… this is EXACTLY what I love you for. i totally can see what you’re saying here.
This is REALLY long and rather rambling … My thoughts here are not meant to sound defensive at all … just dialog.
First of all, in your original post, you speak specifically of being let down by friends at your old church, and that only a couple reached out to you … and that you felt abandoned by them when you left …. even before your secret came out. Then you transition into talking about “the church” as an entity. And this point was addressed by several commenters, but I think when you left to go to your new church, people were happy that you’d found a new place to serve. You had seemed unsettled for a while, and needed a fresh start. And the busy-ness that plagues everyone in ministry simply got the best of them. The people we see on a weekly basis are the easiest to reach out to. And at that point, it was definitely a two way street. You were busy … they were busy …. And God provided relationships at the time that He knew you would need. Unless people that were staying connected to you pulled away, I wouldn’t say that coming out with your secret had anything to do with people not staying in touch with you.
And I understand the point about your feelings being valid, but here’s a thought that I’ve had for a while, and it may seem a bit controversial. I am blessed with a very analytical mind. I can get emotional and worked up about things with the best of them, but at some point I have the ability to step back from the situation and evaluate what is true. I think that the Enemy uses our feelings to distract us from Truth all the time. It doesn’t mean that we don’t really FEEL it, but the feelings are not always based on reality, and we need to wage battle against feelings that are not based on truth.
In my own marriage, I can start dwelling on the things that my husband doesn’t do for me that I’d like him to do, and give those thoughts room to grow … and before you know it, I will be feeling neglected, alone and unloved. However, when I choose to dwell on the truth of all of the ways that he does show me love, even if they aren’t my first choice, my feelings will follow suit.
You started with saying that only one or two friends reached out to you, and then later say that many have walked through it with you from your old church. If you dwell on the ones that didn’t, it’s easy to miss the truth that “the church” as an entity has been amazing in your situation. Yes, your current church is the most obvious, but I see the pictures of the relationships that are still intact from the old church, and then you have your on-line community. The Church showed up for you. It was not about the walls of the building, it was about the Body of Christ. And if you focus on the handful that didn’t live up to your expectations, you allow the Enemy to steal from you the Truth that God provided His church for you in a very non-conventional way (quite fitting I might add). Perhaps, those that didn’t live up to your hopes are dealing with their own stuff. Maybe they were just crappy friends. Either way, your feelings may be valid, but are they based on the truth?
As for the unrecognized? The quiet church-goer? The silent servant volunteer? The lonely “un-friendable”? The reserved and unplugged? The foundationally insecure… the roamer? I think that they are being reached out to when they let people in. We can’t assume that because people are quiet or reserved that they are hurting. They have to take the risk just like you did to say, I’m going to take a chance and respond to someone. I’m going to let someone see my secrets. I think our church has been reaching out to the hurting in some amazing ways this past year. And not just to those who are on the platform. When I stand on the platform and sing, and look out in the congregation, I see so many stories of pain … and know that I only know the tip of the iceberg. Everyone has “junk” they’re dealing with. It is easy to take The Church as a whole and look at the times when they fail, and say The Church is blowing it. I think the Enemy wants us to focus on all that we’re NOT doing. But if you take it piece by piece and look at the hundreds of individual stories, there are MANY who are being loved and cared for by the Body. Are there some that are falling through the cracks? Who leave because they believe that no one see them or cares about them? Sure …. There always will be. But I believe that if people take a chance to let others see their hurt, there are beautiful believer’s all around us who are reaching out with love. I see it every week …
All that said …. Where we do need to grow is … when a person’s sin comes out before they choose? When they are still in the midst of the ugliness … still “living in sin” (as we all do)… when they’re not sure of the way out? In many ways, while I know the revealing of your story was terribly scary … and could have turned out differently … the fact that Brian showed grace, that you were truly repentant … it’s the kind of story the Church can handle. Messy, but with a sort of “order” to it. One that makes us aware of our own sinfulness … and one that gives us hope for forgiveness and second chances. What if you’d been found out … while you were both on staff …. Even at your new church the response might have been different. What do we do with the mess before God has had a chance to start working it out? Can we let people be “in their sin” without casting them out? While they are trying to figure out what to do? I know for myself, it is a struggle even after walking side by side with someone while they were cast out because their situation was too messy to handle by those in the church… I watched the other man in your situation walk into church a few weeks ago, and I’m ashamed to say my first response in my heart was, “What’s he doing here?” “He’s still destroying his ex-wife’s life.” “He’s making choices that are still hurting his children.” “He doesn’t even seem sorry”. And God quickly and quietly spoke to me. This is where the work needs to happen. Letting people’s messy unrepentant lives into our midst … and allowing God to change them in His own time while we work on loving them.
And finally, as for my sweet sister … perhaps someday she will be able to tell her story, but it is not just hers to tell. She serves out of her brokenness and disappointment and with the knowledge that every relationship could be temporary … because that has been her reality. I pray that one day, she will find out that’s not true.
The Church is a work in progress just as we are. Let’s rejoice in all of the ways that we are getting it … more and more each day. This could have been several posts … guess I had a lot to say. Thanks, Jenni for modeling transparency for so many of us.
Wow, Amy… your comment kinda hit every visible dot and even some unseen dots on the board. I’m not sure what to address or what to start dialoguing about. There is so much good stuff in there.
I definitely don’t feel on the defense with your comment, so no worries there. I should clarify though – in my post, the 2 friends I was talking about were friends I didn’t have a face-to-face conversation with. The other friends… my prayer warriors… were the one’s I actually confessed to… my “inner-circle”, if you will. They are not who I was talking about when I talked about feeling abandoned.
I guess I lump the “i-talked-to-you” and the “you-found-out-somewhere-else” friends into two separate groups. This is the problem with being vague and not wanting to go into unnecessary details, I guess.
The main point of my post isn’t to attack the Church. I am merely writing about my feelings, thoughts and experiences as we continue through our journey of healing. My story is sadly not only MY story… more people have experienced it than we know… but it’s taboo, so no one talks about it.
What I’m trying to say is that we NEVER know WHO is hurting so we should always be extending grace… even to “him” (the other man). He needs grace too. He needs a hug. He needs to be accepted when he walks into church… sins and all. Man, it’s gotta take guts to walk into THAT church with everyone knowing your stuff. It doesn’t matter the circumstances… he’s still valuable to God. Though I know I will never act out or reach out to him specifically (for obvious reasons), I really hope others do.
I think we’re saying the same thing in many ways. Yes, we should rejoice in what we are doing well… but we cannot sit content there. I still believe the Church is failing in MANY ways, or more would be saved.
Amy… I love that you’re participating in this dialogue. I love hearing your thoughts.
oh… and yes, Jill has told me her story. She’s pretty amazing.
Jenni, I can so relate to what you are feeling. I have only been off staff from my church for a month and I feel very abandoned. There are a few woman who have been intentional, but for the most part I have lost a lot of friendships.
It is easy to get busy and if you are not always around sadly it is easy to be forgotten.
I know our circumstances are different, but I can understand what you are sayin.
I love you!!