One of my closest heart friends, Alece, is the walking, living, breathing definition of “grace”.
She and I are so alike. Our childhoods and relationships with our mothers are very similar. There have been times we haven’t had to speak… cuz we just KNEW. However, in the same ways our stories are similar, our stories are also VASTLY different. The most obvious: I was the adulterer. Alece is the woman that was cheated on.
Granted, her husband wasn’t the one exact one I stole, but I guess it doesn’t really matter which make or model I took since it was never mine to take. I know my past choices represent a side. The opposite side of Alece’s… and all the “Jane’s” who’ve been wronged. However, somehow, God’s grace blanketed our opposing situations and bonded us into a sisterhood that can never be broken.
Now, she’s going to talk to you about a side I didn’t ever live, but is more a part of my life than I’ll ever want to admit.
Alece’s Blog: www.gritandglory.com
Alece’s Twitter: @gritandglory
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The past few years have been, by far, the worst of my entire life.
But my husband’s infidelity wasn’t the most painful part. Nor was the eighteen months of lies, or hearing him say he was leaving me for good.
The most agonizing part of it all is something I have difficulty explaining.
The four months from when his affair was exposed until he voiced his decision for divorce were unequivocally the most painful I’ve ever lived through.
He planned to leave me months before he made it official. And as I hung on, wanting to see our marriage restored, he deliberately and willfully messed with my heart.
He kept me on a string like a yo-yo, bouncing between two extremes. He’d push me away and then pull me back again. He’d tell me one day that he was willing to do the hard work of repairing trust and rebuilding our marriage, and the next that he’d never loved me to begin with.
Those months were a living hell for me.
I’ve blocked out many of the details of that time, but I recently read back through some emails I’d sent friends during those months. And I was horrified by what I read.
Horrified.
Being reminded of how cruelly I was treated made me sick to my stomach.
There aren’t words that can do justice to the pain my heart endured at the hands of my husband. The English language simply doesn’t run deep enough for that.
I wouldn’t wish those things on anyone.
Not even the other woman.
And in the moments when I’m being most honest with myself, I have to admit:
I wish I’d valued myself enough to get out.
I should have made the choice to leave. But I was too afraid.
Afraid of the people who wouldn’t understand my decision. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of not being the good, Godly wife. Afraid to stand up for me.
And while I knew what I would have told anyone else in my position, I couldn’t bring myself to make that same decision for me.
So I stayed in a situation that was harmful and unhealthy. I allowed my husband to continue his cruel and intentional abuse of my heart.
I sacrificed me for the sake of us.
An us that didn’t even exist anymore. An us that he’d walked away from a long time ago. An us that was an ideal rather than a reality.
While I ultimately desired restoration in my marriage, I shouldn’t have clung to that hope at the detriment of my own heart.
Because it just about ruined me.
But yet here I am, another year-and-a-half later, and my heart feels more whole than I ever thought possible.
God is redeeming even this.
He doesn’t waste a thing.
Everything can be made new. Everything can be redeemed. Everything can be made whole.
Even me.
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If you are the woman who’s been wronged, I’m so sorry.
I wish I could apologize FOR her… for him, but I can’t. All I can tell you is there is a freedom on the other side… but you gotta be willing to walk through the hell to get there.
Love me some Grit.
Love you much.
love you, jen! thank you for specifically praying for me and this post this week. means so much.
You did good, chicky-dee.
And it was my honour and priviledge to do so, Sweetness.
Glad to read something that reinforces the idea that women have value, and that there is another option besides “stay and God will fix it.”
agreed!!!
Agreed. I know that God is in control 100%, and I wish spouses like this would fully submit to Him…but emotional abuse and manipulation is devastating. Would women (or men) be encouraged to stay if their spouse was abusive? :/
Whoops–I meant to say “physically abusive.”
that is what i realized after the fact, i guess—that i was too wounded and blind to see in the midst of it… it was abusive. and i should’ve removed myself from the situation. forced a separation to get me out of a very harmful, toxic relationship and to get him to see the gravity of what was really going on. maybe it would’ve caused his heart to turn around drastically and things would’ve ended very differently. maybe it all still would’ve ended the same. i don’t know. but either way, i wish i’d seen my own value enough to say “i’m not taking this anymore…”
I am glad you see your value now.
Though I am so sorry you had to go through all that with your ex.
It’s really inspiring to see that you kept your faith, and in fact, your faith seems to be that much stronger for going through all that!
Thank you for sharing your story; I appreciate it.
Alece,
I know I’m coming to this a whole year after the original discussion…I somehow landed in this dialogue today. It’s six months since I told my husband I was going to move out so we could process his continuing infidelity (10 years of it, with loads of counseling and “progress” in the midst of that time). 5 months since he tried to convince me to stay (saying that “lots of couples make arrangements where one or the other can have someone on the side – for him it was prostitutes). 4 1/2 months since I moved out, 4 months since he told me that he didn’t want to be married to me (that all of his acting out was a way to say that he didn’t want to be married), 3 months since he moved out and I moved back in with my son.
It seems like a lot longer… the manipulative abuse and emotional distance, not to mention the actual blame that he continually directed toward me, had taken its toll.
Making the decision was hard, but walking in it has been harder…holding my head up, offering grace, trying to deflect the hate from my inlaws…but God is here. God is watching and holding me, and I will get to the joy and confidence that I once had.
Thanks for telling your story. We need to know that God wants us to be whole – not just someone else’s “half”.
i felt trapped by that very thought… even though from the outside looking in at anyone else, i would’ve easily been able to see and say that they were worth so much more…
What a strong example of God’s power to restore, heal and redeem.
most of the time it doesn’t feel as “obvious” a redemption as in others’ stories, and that can be a real struggle for me some days… but i’m learning to trust that He is leading me toward His “nothing missing, nothing broken” wholeness, even when i can’t see it or feel it.
alece. . .reading this just hurt knowing how much pain you have lived and still have to live with a lot of days. . .wishing i could just wrap you in a big hug right this minute! thanks so much for the honesty and rawness in this. . .beautifully, beautifully written.
thank you, sweet lauren. thank you…
love you friend. so glad God is redeeming your now. Was thinking about you and the lovely ladies this morning that you are getting to spend some time with… just thinking about how when I went through my pain 10 years ago – God was faithful and brought people to blanket me with love. Thinking of how God is doing that for you too during this hard place. Made me smile, made my heart sing knowing we have a God who loves us enough to walk with us through the tough valleys of Baca and help them become laden with springs of refreshing… love u
i am so grateful for the people God has placed around me to get me through this season. to continue getting me through this season.
for reasons i don’t fully understand, i can still feel so alone even in the midst of strengthening friendships. it’s that deep missing for my own “someone” to share life with. trying to let my heart process that and seek Him to meet those needs and desires.
it’s definitely a journey…
Alece. I am so proud of you and thankful for your influence in the lives of so many women. Redemption is happening in your life in a major way. I love you.
you’re so great at faithfully pointing out to me the redemption that you see happening. thank you, friend.
Alece –
Thank you so much for your transperancy and candor. It is amazing to me how destructive this sin is.The key has been total confession and brokenness. To which I am grateful my husband eventually came to. However, I found that I couldn’t “fix” anything and had to hand it all over to my Savior and realize, like you, that He could restore what was broken in ME regardless of the choices my husband ended up making.
brokenness and repentance is definitely the key, like you said. that would’ve changed everything in my story. but i am powerless to produce that in anyone but myself.
i love how you said that: “He could restore what was broken in ME regardless of the choices my husband ended up making”. i want to focus on seeking His redemption of my own brokenness more than anything else…
My dear sweet friend. How I love you! Thank you for pouring out your heart here. Your bravery to speak in the most painfully honest terms humbles me and drives me to seek God more fully. Your side of the story reveals so much more than any of us can see right now.
I can’t wait to see what God is going to do with your experience.
thank you for this space for so many to share the brutal honest rawness of their hearts. including mine.
i love you, crasian.
I have read this before on the Grit and – as then – I hurt. I regret everything that I did, even although I could try to justify it. It’s not justifiable.
I wish I could take everything back – I wish I could MAKE myself feel the things I should feel…
And on the brink of divorce….
I weep.
you can only allow your heart to embrace brokenness now…
praying for you today.
Thank you so much…. I do love you… and I hope that it’s not weird to hear that from a guy … from me. I know that the girls say that all the time, but I sometimes think, “Will they think it sounds wrong coming from me?” (OK I guess it’s a bit of my insecurities showing, esp because of the subject matter of this week and my own raw emotions….) But I say it anyway, coz it’s true.
Thank you for being real. It hurts to walk this path with you – but walk I will. For friendship – and for healing.
(I wanted to reply to this all day – but the Internet at work was broken LOL)
Blessed we all are for “watching” your journey and God’s faithfulness unfolding before you. It’s been amazing to read our hearts through your words. We just love you.
thank you, nikki. really.
OK, so first of all, I feel lame for not knowing your real name was Alece. I’ve just been calling you LIZ LEMON because you remind me of Tina Fey.
Second, I didn’t know you had a blog that I need to follow.
Third, this was a touching post. My mom is at the end of her second divorce, so I sent her this post. But my dad had an affair and chose to leave my mom for another woman. It still hurts. Thank you for being so open about this.
Amy (@amysondova on Twitter)
i laughed at the “liz lemon” line! feel free to call me whatever you want! ha!
i’m sorry for how my story resonates with you… i hate that you and your mom can relate at all to this kind of hurt…
You are getting me all fired up again
You are a beautiful picture of grace. Glad you are taking care of yourself.
thank you for being such a huge part of that “taking care”. your friendship strengthens me more than you know…
You blow me out of the water with your honesty Alece. It is heart changing for me to read your heart spilled onto a page. All my love to you. Never far from my thoughts….
it never ceases to be hard for me, so it’s so good to hear your words staci. thank you, friend.
*sigh* what a story. So glad you’re heart is healing.
me too…
Oh friend. I love you much. And I’m so thankful you had a small safe world to hide in during those months. And the handful that was there with you. Love you.
it’s surprising me how much it still makes my breath catch in my throat to remember that time. my heart clearly has a long way to go still…
He has is making life out of you. I hate all the layers and levels of hurt you have known and felt. I hate that all you pain is so deep. I hate that you have known these levels of pain. God has taken every hurt done to you and matched it with is love. Another way deep calls to deep that is so evident in you. Even when you doubt, fear, hurt, feel like he is silent, or just see no end of pain in sight, you have relentlessly given others permission and freedom to wrestle in the same way. You enabled freedom of voice. That amazes me all the time. You are always real. In that choice, others have known God more than they will ever know. Your honest wrestling has healed and redeemed more than you know. Just you has awakened people to be just them and know it’s ok. Just you is so enough and you do deserve the best. You deserve to always know you are enough, and be loved that way. God is making life out of your brokenness; not only making you whole, but patching up the holes in so many.
grateful for you.
I love you so very much.
wow… this brought the tears that have been threatening to come all day.
thank you for believing in me like you do. i love you, mo’z.
Love you Alece & am so happy that He’s revealing to you that you are valuable & precious.
it feels slow-going, but i know (most of the time) that i’m making progress…
grateful for you, mandie.
Always and always.
Thank you for letting me in then. For letting me tell you of your beauty and strength even when you didn’t believe me. Thank you for loving me so well right back. There is such comfort in my heart knowing you’re stuck with me. Always and always.
God is awake, friend. I promise.
i am so grateful for how you’ve walked with me through all of this. and i rest in knowing you always will.
always always.
Thank you Alece for your realness (I so appreciate that about Jenni as well). My husband also left me for another woman… in March of 2000. Our son wasn’t even two at the time. The most devastating indescribable pain I have ever been through. Completely blindsided by it. Had it not been for God and my closest friends, I would not have made it through. Even to this day… even after being remarried to a fabulous guy… there are still remnants of the pain. But I have grown to see God in the midst of all that…how he takes what is broken in our lives and uses it in tender and powerful ways. I often say that though I wouldn’t have asked for any of what I endured, I wouldn’t trade one of the lessons I learned in the process. Blessings to you. Be encouraged. Hang with your Lord. Hang with your closest friends. Your experience is being used for His glory.
i hate that this resonates with you, julie. and you’re absolutely right. i am grateful for the lessons i’ve learned.
most days anyway.
thank you for your sweet encouragement…
The other thing I would add, Alece, is this… a failed marriage does not define you.
Obviously the loss of my marriage was devastating on so many levels, and I began to find my identity (shame) wrapped up in a failed marriage, even though the undoing of the marriage was not mine. So, I started telling myself… “A failed marriage does not define you.” I already knew Christ, but through such pain I really began to see that my identity was in Him, not in the success or failure of my marriage. I didn’t realize the power of this statement until I began telling it regularly to a good friend of mine, whose marriage also ended unexpectedly and tragically in divorce. She told me years later that this statement… “a failed marriage doesn’t define you”… really helped her.
Anyway, I hope it helps you too. Be encouraged…
i’m still working on letting the truth of that statement sink down deep in my heart. i somewhat know it cognitively, and can easily see it and believe it for others, but i seem to struggle with grasping the reality for myself.
thank you for your encouragement, julie.
Alece I am so very, very sorry that you had to endure such pain. No one deserves to be treated the way you were treated and the fact that you are still standing is a powerful testament to the love of God and His redeeming work in the lives of His children. You are such a towering example of strength and grace and love and I’m honored to say that I know you. Thank you for continuing to show the depths of your beauty, even in the midst of your pain. You are an extraordinary woman and I love you tons and tons.
Jenni, this week has been so good. Thank you for courageously doing what so few others have been wiling to do (I think I found you when Nicole did her affair week awhile back). You are a ROCKSTAR!!
thank you, keeda. some days it feels like i’m barely standing, but then on others i can see how far i’ve come… such sweet grace…
Alece-
Praying Shalom to be real over you right now.
I think one of the hardest things for me too is knowing I let Jordan abuse me, let him say what he wanted, go out with her and whoever else, and let him come home and keep me on a yo-yo. I get that.
Somehow it posted and didn’t let me finish….
I wanna take your hand and wrap up your heart in a big hug. You are loved….
and,
Jenny-thank you for hosting this week.
i need to hear more of your story sometime, bekah-boo. thank you for your tender, beautiful heart.
and praying shalom? that is perfect. i so appreciate that.
Your willingness to be open & vulnerable here goes along with your desire to “risk” this year. The risk will pay off because so many will be touched and healed by Him as they see how He’s worked in your life.
this blog post has felt like a huge risk for my heart. thank you for seeing that, friend…
Alece
Although my head understands God is redeeming all that has happened to you my heart still struggles… The word that comes to mind when I think of you is “Kindred” and NOT because of our shared pain but simply because of who you are. I am so proud of you for how you get back-up every time you are knocked down! I am thankful for how you truly represent a reckless faith that God can do the impossible! I’m grateful that I get to be a part of you life whether here or in Africa! Thank you for all that you have taught me… I love you!
i’m so grateful for you and your friendship. i can’t wait to be able to do life with you in this next season.
Alece-When I read your words I always feel inspired. And yet you speak of at times feeling scared, overwhelmed and alone. But it is YOU, not just your story, that inspires me to be strong, brave, honest, and graceful. As a woman you prove that although we will make mistakes and we might respond too slowly, God is our protector. We are valuable and precious. You deserve to be treated this way and it reminds me, that I do too. I am always praying for healing for you. But tonight I am going to pray that you would experience just how precious you are to your Protector and your friends that love you.
you brought tears to my eyes, heather. thank you. you have been so faithful in friendship and prayer… i really hope i get to hug you someday.
Thank you for sharing how God’s healing your heart from some tremendous pain. Hoping God draws people who need to read this to these pages.
i hope that too, paul. thank you!
mmmmm. I love you.
I vividly remember all of this unraveling and even still it breaks my heart all over again for you, just as it did then. BUT…. but now I see such a strong woman standing where a very scared and unsure one once stood. I see a woman reclaiming her life, the life God has planned for her, and not letting someone worm around and mess with her anymore.
You have come leaps and bounds, even if it only feels like skips and hops to you. ;o)
you got many of those emails, friend… thank you for holding my hand through all of this. i love you, raisin bran!
This was so raw and honest. I grazed all evening through your links and was captivated by the angst in your story. I’ve known many women in similar circumstances, and grieve over several who don’t have support or feel His love and grace in their pain. You are so very beautiful, inside and out. You’re right – He will not waste this, but is preparing you for something big. Hang on!
you have a special place in my heart, candy… thank you for your sweet words…
Such strength of words, strength of heart… God Is good and His process is unmatchable. Thank you for reminding us that when trust has become so damaged, He is still worthy of our trust. I am leaning into freedom more & more everyday. Thank you for offering your story so that we may see the goodness of our God at work.
Much love,
JK
i pray often that He’d reassure me that He’s trustworthy. because my trust-judgment is so, so cloudy. but i want to be able to believe…
can’t wait to hug you again.
Endings always bring new beginnings “Forgetting what is behind & straining toward what is ahead, I press on…” Phil 3:13
I’ve struggled a bit to tell you what your words and your fight mean to me. It is so evident in everything you say and do that you don’t just try to “see” God in circumstances; you press forward bravely in learning to “feel” Him, in allowing Him to do the painful work of refining you even through pain caused you by others.
My story is not quite packaged neatly into an encompassing statement like “I had an affair’” and for a long time I felt like I had no right to try and explain the whys and the hows that I allowed to lead me there or to heal from the pain the man I was involved with caused me personally.
You make me feel not alone, normal. You show me what messy, beautiful, heart-breaking and heart-rebuilding faith is.
While we don’t share the exact circumstances that caused that pain; we definitely share the soul cry to our Father to carry us, heal us, and make our hearts new for Him.
I’m so thankful for you and for a God that has given me an online community of women like you to learn from in my baby-steps faith.
wow, lindsey… just… wow. thank you….
Alece,
thank you for your openess and for bringing a new perspective on the issue. my wife and i have a friend who also was caught in a similiar relationship. although my push was always to see them ‘get through’ the issues and be restored. i lost sight of how toxic he was making the relationship. he filed for divource recently but has made no attempt to change.
i have forwarded Jenni’s blog pages onto my facebook and trust it reaches those who need to read it.
i know it’s so hard watching friends go down this road… praying today that you and your wife would have the words and wisdom you need…
Thanks for forwarding this, Mike. We have been praying this would become a resource to those who need it most.
I’m glad they have friends like you. We’re praying alongside you!
I love that you shared this, Alece. You are a courageous woman.
Jenni, you have bared your soul and allowed others to learn and begin their healing through this week.
Both of you ladies are amazing. Real. I love it. I wish I’d been strong enough to be that open 20 years ago.
Just know that God is using you both powerfully. My prayer is that you continue to grow in Him, letting Him change and guide you through His healing process.
feeling anything but courageous today, so thank you for your sweet encouragement, faye…
alece, i so admire your strength.
i admire your strength, friend.
thank you, friend.
Alece, you are such an incredible example of God’s strength and restoration through grace. You provide so much hope for broken hearts!!
been a while since we’ve connected — hope you’re doing well, morgan. appreciate your strengthening words.
I know it has! While I’ve been writing, etc, I’ve retreated from the world a little since some attacks from “friends.” I’m slowly coming back out of my shell.
As you know Alece, even though I am older than you, my situation is very similar to yours–even sadly, in this. After talking with Ashleigh for 2 hours the other night, I went back and read old emails and like you, was stunned at just how cruelly I (and my kids) were treated by the one person we trusted more than any other. And like you, I would believe his every word, only to have my heart manipulated one more time. It was truly a game to him. A cruel, selfish game.
Thank you, THANK YOU, for writing this post. You are one of the very few who understands.
Much love you,
Mishel
i hate how similar our journeys have been. i still feel shocked every time i read back on old emails from that time. i’m sure it was the same for you when you read back on yours the other day. i just sit here, even now, shaking my head.
i so appreciate the ways you’ve reached out to me all these months just to let me know you get it… you understand… sometimes that is exactly what i need to hear. thank you, mishel.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us, Alece. Your honesty, transparency & sharing how God is redeeming you through such a heartbreaking experience…is inspiring. I am thankful God is redeeming you and healing your heart at you submit to Him and as He provides friends to help you heal.
It is wonderful that God can bring you and Jenni together in your stories from either side to show God’s amazing transformational power.
so encouraging to hear from you, kat. thank you…
Alece, I’ve known you only recently, and only as a fun, happy face on Twitter whose tweets made me smile. I’ve always said we never know what people are going through … I never would’ve thought you’d been through something like this. My God. My heart broke as I read that. That you’re able to share it speaks to the healing God has done in your heart, and yet, how could it not still hurt?
I know that God is able to redeem, and yet hearing you say it–seeing you live it–is encouragement to my heart. Thank you for sharing your pain and your redemption. By peeling back the layers, you allow others to receive help and healing. Thankful to have connected with you and looking forward to knowing you more.
Your Twitter friend
,
Kim
wow, kim. thank you for this. for even taking the time to read and comment. i appreciate that so much.
someday we’ll have a long talk over coffee, you and i…
I sit here and think…wow…That is ME! Yo-yo, manipulation, lies, betrayal. I felt like the paranoid crazy person for so long. And you are right, those months of yo-yo are evil. I am at the half way point of my divorce. I am still struggling with the ‘Godly’ thing to do. I have a strong faith that tells me constantly to work this out, that he is here to help me, but my husband has never had christ in his life and I do not think that he fully understands how wrong he was. Your story breaks my heart, but also gives me much strength that it is ok to leave, to work on myself. As much as I want to make my marriage work (I have a 2 yr old and 4 yr old), I know that God would not wish for me to stay in a relationship full of mind games. I still struggle daily and sometime hourly with the right direction, I know the man that my husband used to be, but without God will never be again. Thank you. I am so glad to know that I am not alone. I am glad that I found this site, although, I hate that we are all in so much pain. God be with us all.
vicki, my heart just breaks for you as i read this. i am so, so sorry to hear what you’ve gone through and what you continue to face. i understand your wrestling, and i’m praying for you today that God would guide you with His peace… not out of the pain and confusion and turmoil, but right through it.
you are not alone, vicki…
alece-
frankly i was glad to see your post among the others. i went back and read all your blog posts on your website as well. your story mirrors mine in many ways. my divorce was final in april. my spouse had two different affairs while we were married as well as being emotionally abusive. my heart is broken and i found myself feeling very alone as i am the only one of my friends to be going through this particular life event. i don’t feel as alone when i read your story…when your posts are so raw and authentic. Sometimes I need to hear a story like yours instead of the “my marriage was redeemed and we are so in love now” story. because God is in the business of redemption. it’s just harder to see when we and other believers think it has to look a certain way. My therapist says that God will redeem that which He allows. most days i’m not able to believe this. but i say it to myself over and over again anyway in hopes that one day it will sink in. anyway, thank you for bringing a public face to many of us who are experiencing this pain privately. i applaud you.
thank you for bravely commenting, charlie. it helps me just as much to know i’m not alone, and that somehow the ramblings of my heart are resonating with someone else.
trusting with you today that God can redeem even this…