My hero in all of this (other than Jesus) is my amazing husband, Brian.
I don’t even have words to express how grateful and blessed I feel to have him in my life. Brian’s an amazing father… and an even more amazing husband now that we’ve worked through (and will continue to work through) one of the roughest patches I believe we’ll ever need to work through.
He’s grown into an amazingly bold spiritual leader. Not only for our family, but for the community in which we are a part of. I believe every morning he sets his foot on the ground, satan utters expletives. I’m ok with that… because he should. Brian is a force to be reckoned with. Not because he’s a super public speaker or because he’s a blogger (in fact, he neglects his blogs… often), but because he listens, obeys and SPEAKS God’s words without falter or apologies.
He is a MAN among men. He is MY man!
In this post, Brian speaks directly to the hurt party. He speaks well… and I believe there is no better speaker on this matter.
Listen up, soak it in, chime in…
Brian’s Blog: www.brianclayville.com
Brian’s Twitter: @brianclayville
********************************
When you have been wronged, how do you forgive?
Do you have to forgive?
Is it just something you say or is there real action behind it?
How do you know when it is real?
I won’t pretend to be an expert in this matter, but I WILL share my own experience in my processing these questions.
When Jenni told me about her affair I almost instantly wanted to say “I forgive you”. There are a few reasons I wanted to jump to forgiveness right away without even processing what I had just learned.
1. I am a non-confrontational person by nature.
2. It would be a lot less painful in the short term to bury this and move on.
3. I could go on being “the nice guy” and get accolades from my Christian homeys.
4. It would keep my family together so my kids would have both parents in one home.
However, I intentionally chose NOT to say the words, “I forgive you” too hastily even though I was tempted to.
Deep down I knew it was a lie if I just said it without grieving my loss and processing my pain. I knew that God had work to do in me, in Jenni and especially in our marriage. There was no way for me to know what would happen during this process of unpacking the destruction of our marriage. I chose to take it one day at a time and trust God to help me make right decisions along the way.
In all honesty, I did NOT make all the right decisions along the way, but I DID make some vital decision correctly.
I’ve never been one to hold grudges. As I think back on my life, I’ve never found myself to be offended by anyone in a deep way. It has always been easy for me to forgive people. It was easy for me to say, “forgiveness is required of Christians because of the forgiveness we’ve received from Jesus”. But, now I was in a real world situation where I had really been hurt. I had the opportunity to practice my belief.
What should I do?
Let’s back up for a minute.
I learned of Jenni’s affair around the end of April in 2009. We began counseling in May and worked hard for the next three months. Our goals were to figure out:
* if we could stay married
* why we ended up in such a messy situation
* what we needed to do to prevent anything like this ever happening to us again.
After three months of roller coaster emotions, good conversations and arguing, connecting and mourning. We discovered a lot of good but I was getting really raw emotionally. Exhausted. I began to withdraw. I began to feel sorry for myself and do everything I could to numb the pain. After a month or so of hiding emotionally, I connected with my friend, Chad Markley. He challenged me. I responded. Over the next couple months, Jen and my greatest progress was made.
One day, in August of 2009, during my quiet time with God… He spoke to me about forgiveness. He made it clear that He had forgiven me for so much and that He would continue to forgive me for future mistakes. I desired to be free of bitterness toward Jenni and to not let our past have any power over me. It became clear to me that forgiveness meant no strings, no reminders, no bitterness, and no grudge.
Forgiveness = Freedom!
I made a decision at that moment. I drove straight home and told Jenni what I had done. It was exhilarating and freeing. By far the best decision I have ever made in my married life. But the story doesn’t end here.
With this new found freedom in forgiveness through the power of Christ. I knew I had no authority to ever bring up the affair in a fight to gain emotional power over Jenni. I did not get to make excuses for my behavior because of her past mistake. I had chosen to leave this behind forever as if it never happened. Not to pretend it never happened but to love Jenni and treat her as if it never happened.
Satan has tried to dig it up old feelings and get me worked up at times, but I have been able to turn these thoughts toward Him, the higher power, and ask Him to give me the strength to honor my decision to forgive and move forward. The actual affair has no emotional power over me. I hold no bitterness towards Jenni. I made the decision, but God has DEFINITELY walked with me through all of this… because I asked Him to.
Brian, I love how this post so clearly makes the choice to forgive ours, and that with the freedom comes responsibilities.
It gets to the very heart of what grace really is. It’s a beautiful beautiful thing.
And it goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway : miss you guys. a lot.
boo. miss you guys too.
coooooooooooome hooooooooooooooooome!
Thanks David,
I was just thinking a day or two ago about how nice it would be to hang out with you guys again soon. It would be different now since we are much closer friends. Miss you.
Well Done Brother! You both had to take chances, risks, and you reaped the harvest of your obedience to God! And Jenni, you, through Christ, have been able to turn what Satan intended for evil into a powerful ministry. I’m pretty sure satan might be uttering a few expletives as well when your knees hit the ground!
Thank you, Scott. Brian and I are definitely working together a lot more than we used to. It’s extremely freeing. I had NO idea. It’s definitely better this way.
Scott I agree with you 100%. Jenni is freaking the devil out to no end, it was not supposed to work out this way!
Loved that post. I have some forgiveness to work through for myself… will be coming back to this article for sure…
Robert,
Praying that you find peace, comfort, healing and restoration.
Thanks Brian. Today’s a hard day. Felt really lonely and missing being held…. keeping busy has helped a bit – I appreciate the prayers.
Baby…
you are my hero. you didn’t fight a dragon for me… you fought worse… my hateful heart. and you won. thank you for fighting for me. for us. for our kids.
forgiveness is something all of us talk about, but when it comes down to REALLY doing it and practicing it, i believe you are one of the greatest in these areas.
i love living life with you. i love seeing where we are today. i am so excited to see where we are next year. the year after. 50 years after.
you are for me. i love you… more than you’ll ever know.
You made this process so much easier for me to do the right thing. If you had not risked, repented and been willing to live in humility, this would not have worked out the way it did.
Thank you for being willing to surrender your old identity to become the woman you are today. I love you more all the time. I would do it all again.
I had to first forgive myself to find freedom from addiction. I was doing some reading yesterday & pretty much found that exact statement. Until I surrendered that I was powerless over my addiction, nothing else could occur. The surrender & accepting that my life as an addict had made my life insane! When I started admitting, out loud, that I WAS an addict, there was such a heaviness that left me. In fact, I think a little more leaves me every time I admit that I am an addict. Never really thought about that, but it’s true. I, too, still have old feelings return that try to guide me toward the insanity, but I have people I can talk through it with and resources to read. So many new “tools” in my virtual toolbox. I must remain ever-vigilant to keep my disease under control.
our journeys are such blessings and curses are all the same time, aren’t they.
however… i’m still thankful i get to journey.
Great post Brian. The way you’ve walked through this, shared this and most importantly live it out every day shines God’s redemptive power.
Thank you Jason.
The key words are “God’s redemptive power”.
“I desired to be free of bitterness toward Jenni and to not let our past have any power over me.
I had chosen to leave this behind forever as if it never happened. Not to pretend it never happened but to love Jenni and treat her as if it never happened.”
this is mind blowing to me. I CANNOT figure out how to live like that! my husband confessed his affair to me in January and we are working toward restoration, but at this point i am very depressed and in intense pain. i CANNOT imagine how to leave this behind as if never happened. to treat him as if it never happened. i don’t know if i just need more time or what. i thought i had forgiven him, and i told him so, but after reading this, i guess i haven’t. STINK!
vicky. i am so sorry! none of this is easy. and we are giving you a glimpse of what CAN be after a lot of hard work and self-evaluation.
our counselor told us the average time it takes to really work through something like this is about 3 to 4 years. how quickly brian and i went through our situation was miraculously quicker than most… but the depth of pain we were in during the first 6 months were almost intolerable too. intensely fast and furious. not really our choice, but just the journey God had us on.
though you are on a similar path… the path is VERY different. all our paths are.
it sounds like where you are in your path right now isn’t the true forgiveness location yet. and that’s ok. he hurt you. intensely. right now, your only job is to truely mourn it and explore what all that means to you. there is a death to SO many things when this kind of stuff happens. i know brian and i mourned each and every one of those… multiple times.
yes, the goal is restoration and forgiveness… but you cannot get there without really truely feeling it.
we’re praying with you.
Vicki,
Like Jenni said, this is a journey that is very different for everyone. There was more to this than I can cover in one post but the bottom line was lots of painful thoughts and conversations. Spending time every week with the counselor and doing some intense work with a coach. God had a reason for the timing to work the way it did, but it is still a journey.
I think this is SO KEY:
“With this new found freedom in forgiveness through the power of Christ. I knew I had no authority to ever bring up the affair in a fight to gain emotional power over Jenni. I did not get to make excuses for my behavior because of her past mistake. I had chosen to leave this behind forever as if it never happened. Not to pretend it never happened but to love Jenni and treat her as if it never happened.”
Jenni and Brian, thanks for sharing and living out lives of grace and reconciliation before us. I know we didn’t get to dig deep while on vacay together, but I hope we get more opportunities!
thank you for providing a graceful environment so that we CAN share our messed up lives.
we’re looking forward to more opportunities to hang out together. we’ll be seeing you soon again since we have family in your area now
me miss you guys. well… i mostly miss ash… but whatev…
Pete,
you will get more of us than you ever wanted:-)
Wow…you are a hero of mine too…thank you for your friendship and your commitment to truth and grace! Love you bro!
Thanks Justin!
Brian-I am SO thankful on behalf of your boys, and then THEIR wives, and their kids. Thank you for being an example of what is means to LOVE your wife like Christ loved the church. This is big dear, BIG!
Thank you for the reminder. Our boys were certainly top of mind as we committed to working through this.
Well said. Thank you for sharing it. The #3 response is so common for all of us to have. Put on that nice person face and reap the compliments for doing so. Not healthy.
Melinda,
I know that person all too well:-)
I have a feeling, Brian, that you are the type of person that when you speak, people shut up and listen, because what you have to say is measured and profound.
I couldn’t pull just one quote from this post that stopped me dead in my tracks. That didn’t ooze grace, love and forgiveness. That didn’t leave me in awe of how beautifully, and with such dignity (for yourself, your pain, Jenni & your boys) you handled this.
Standing ovation, sir
Wow Jen,
Thank you for the encouragement, it really means alot!
Love you guys and I’m so thankful for your witness.
thanks! hugs back to you, friend.
Brian – thank you for sharing your story. I am leaning to forgive my husband for the hut of his addictions and infidelity but I am seeing God work in ways that I dreamed of. I have found this site through Cindy Beall’s site and am so thankful! I truly believe that I have forgiven my husband but learning to trust and “let go” of the “is he doing the right thing” mentality is hard. Do you have any words of advice. I truy believe that my husband wants the healing that he is going throug now…but I need to learn to trust again.
Thank you again for sharing your vulnerability and you heart!
Lynette,
The only thing I can say about forgiveness is that it is not dependent on the other person’s behavior. You can forgive and be free of the bitterness even if they aren’t doing what is needed to regain your trust. I pray that he truly is for your sake. Trust even if he is doing all the right things can still take a long time to fully rebuild. It’s ok to be cautious with trusting again.
I would say that I trust Jenni completely but I also pay much closer attention to her relationships and forms of communication than I did in the past.
Keep stopping by, Jenni and I will continue to share our journey for a long time.
“He’s grown into an amazingly bold spiritual leader.”
Jenni this gives me so much hope for my family
Brian – dude – every time you tell more parts of your story, I am just humbled, honored, privileged to watch how God has worked through you to grow and impact not only you, but your family. Wow! I’m so much like you – I bury and move on or cut and run.
When I read your story, Justin and Trisha Davis’ story, the Markley’s story… I just see INCREDIBLE ministry unfolding… there is rampant infidelity in the church as well as outside of it – because there are so many hurting people (who were hurting long before they got married). Keep sharing your story, keep ministering, keep reaching out… because the stories like yours and the Markley’s and the Davis’ have the power to transform lives and set people free.
Thanks Brian for your courage.
there’s always hope! i don’t doubt anything anymore, jenny. praying for you!!!
How do you forgive that which does not change? Which day after day will continue to require fresh forgiveness? When the other party thinks emotional withdrawal is normal. When silence is considered a peaceful relationship. When all attempts at counseling are refused. When affection and intimacy are considered unnecessary and silence is defined as peace?
i don’t know how to answer this, searching, because i’m not in your situation… but i DO know 10% of life is what happens to us and 90% is how we react to it.
you hope for change knowing it may not. you choose forgiveness every day… not just for your spouse, but for yourself too. when they withdraw, you pursue… not aggressively… but lovingly. in their silence, you pray. you go to counseling… with or without your spouse. you seek Christ to be your portion. and in all that… you mourn… what you don’t have, but praise God for the privilege of journeying.
my heart hurts for you. i’m sorry. i wish it were black and white… but life is a whole lot of gray. But in this gray, know you are not alone.
I echo what Jenni said in response to your questions. I was a lot of what you described here in our old marriage. There is hope but it may not come in the form you expect.
Love it! Thank you so much for sharing this! I found Jenni’s blog this week and through it I found other people like Justin and Jason. I have to say that its such an inspiration to be able to read about the lives of Godly men who I can relate to.
thanks for stopping by and reading. i have to agree. brian is pretty rad
Thanks Eddie,
I started following you on Twitter so I am looking forward to conversations in the future.