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CoachUs with RefineUs

Our good friends, Justin & Trisha, at RefineUs.org have created a new program and opportunity for couples who need some guidance in their marital journey. Brian and I are fortunate enough to get to be a part of this new opportunity.

One of the best things Brian and I did post-confession of my affair was seek counseling AND coaching. The biggest mistake we can make is believe we can do all this on our own. So, I urge you… go check THIS out.

PLUS… maybe you could win something awesome in the process.

Help us get the word out!!!

… Because every single one of us is worth fighting for.

Refuge SSI

It’s been a month since I was in St. Simon’s Island, Georgia retreating with other ministry leader types at Refuge.

I’m not sure what I was expecting in this whole ordeal… but what I got was worth more than any dollar amount.

Upon arrival, I was:
** tired
** burning out
** lacking creativity
** boxed in
** breathless
** restless
** spiritually dry

What I expected was some down time, get to spend some time with friends, moments of intimate worship (not planned out or developed by me) and a brilliant speaker to help re-align me and put me back on the Jesus track. And I got that… and SO much more.

In my time at this retreat, I found and got connected to the most healing peace I have ever felt. Nothing was rushed, the Holy Spirit guided… and we followed. Ian Cron (by the way… do yourself a favor and pick up his newest book, Jesus, My Father, The CIA and Me: A Memoir… of Sorts this Christmas holiday. One of the best books I’ve ever read!) was our main speaker, and he guided us through a journey of shalom, allowing us to address and recognize the parts of our lives that aren’t usually safe to mention in some Christian circles. He gave us time to grieve, celebrate, worship & just be.

For the first time in a long time, I felt truly pastored (and that’s coming from me… as a Pastor).

Personally, I found myself forgiving my mother at a whole new level. I forgave myself, the adulteress, at a whole new level, and forgave myself as a mother, the ways I’ve failed my boys already… and the ways I know I’ll fail them in the future. I like to call that “preventative forgiving”. One of the greatest things was getting to do this with others just like me.

It was profound.

Most importantly… I got REAL, HONEST time with God. In the few days I was there, God filled me fuller than I have been in years… maybe ever… and released me to be exactly what He created me to be. Flaws and all.

Upon departure, I was:
** revived
** ready
** full of creativity
** released
** excited
** rested
** spiritually drenched in Truth

I’m so thankful I got this opportunity to be even more restored. I’m grateful to get to take another step in my journey towards freedom.

I don’t know if they’ll hold this retreat again next year… but I hope they do. And if they do… I will move mountains to make sure I’m there.

Because in the end… I’m better for it.
What’s something you’d move mountains to do/keep doing?

Worship Confessional – 11.27.11

I’ve been so bad at blogging recently. And I’m okay with that because I’ve been getting a lot of time for face-to-face interaction. But with that said… I’m gonna be better (for now).

Today was a rough day at Paseo. Not the service itself as much as just me. I woke up with a pretty raw throat. Every note seemed tough to sing this morning, but I asked all our attenders to help me out in leading this morning… and what’s cool is they DID!!!

I love my church family.

Our Sunday Setlist this morning was:
O Come All Ye Faithful – C. Frederick Oakeley and John Francis Wade
Restless – Audrey Assad
You Alone – David Crowder
How Deep The Father’s Love For Us – Stuart Townend
How Great Is Our God – Chris Tomlin
How He Loves – John Mark McMillan

Today was a simple day when it came to the band. It was just me on the keyboard, Abby singing with me & Guillermo on the congas. It was laid back… which was good… because our monitors kept cutting out. There were full verses where we were driving blind. I was hoping I was hitting the right keys and hoping I was singing in the matching keys of what I couldn’t hear myself playing.

It was rough.

But the main speakers were working. And when I thought it was horrible, I could look out and see arms raised and hear voices lifted on my behalf.

This morning, the people of Paseo Christian Church led worship. I merely chose the set. And it was FANTASTIC.

Nothing beats a family that will lift you up in worship when you can’t seem to quite make it.

How was YOUR Sunday?

Change

My good friends, Justin & Trisha, asked me to guest post about transitions… and man, oh man, have we gone through transitions. So, I wrote. Here’s what I wrote:

Robert C. Gallagher once said, “Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.”

For most of my life, I fought against change. My life felt so chaotic I honestly believe my fight for control was justified only by the means of survival. However… once I wasn’t threatened by eggshells and every day chaos, I still hung onto that control (or perceived control) for dear life. Probably because I didn’t know any different.

But then, for the first time in my life… I knowingly hurt myself. In July 2006, I voluntarily broke my marriage vows and stepped into an affair that unfortunately lasted 2 years. I could no longer control any aspect of my life because the choice I made was uncontrollable. 3 years after the affair began, I confessed my infidelity to my husband.

In the process of confessing my biggest moral failure to my husband, then to my closest family & friends, then to our outer circle, and finally publishing it for all to read and watch… I was finally truly letting go of my grasp on control and truly giving it to God, trusting Him to really take care of me better than I could take care of myself. It was amazing. Without me behind the wheel, I saw so much more around me because I wasn’t focused on the unending road in front of me. I could take in the beauty effortlessly. And while I was taking it all in, God was restoring me, my marriage, my family and my heart.

I gave Him even more of me. In fact, I gave him my gifts, my talents, my desires… my life. And what did He do???

… Read the rest HERE at RefineUs.org

Joanne

Brian, me and our two boys went to Phoenix this past few days to attend Brian’s grandfather’s funeral. Grandpa Forest passed away on Friday evening. The services were beautiful (he had a memorial service at the church as well as a military funeral service at the cemetery). I’ll write more about this later because it was one of the most beautiful events I’ve ever observed.

Our 8 hour drive was somewhat uneventful. Some traffic. Stopped for dinner. Lots of potty breaks.

We pulled off the freeway. It’s 9:30pm.Way past the boys’ bedtimes. But 5 minutes till we were home. Good enough. I look down to text Mom & Dad to tell them we were almost home when Brian pulls the car over and exclaims:

“That guy is punching her in the face!”

WHAT??? I look behind me on the sidewalk and I see two dark figures struggling. The next few minutes feel like a whirlwind.

Brian parks the car to the side of the street (no parking on this street, mind you) and gets out.
He runs toward the couple and steps in front of the girl.
Chance unbuckles his seat belt, “I wanna go too!”
Me: “NOPE! Get back in your carseat!”
I call 9-1-1.
“9-1-1 Operator, what is your emergency?”
“There’s a man here hitting a girl on the street.”
I give our location.
He’s no longer hitting her, but he’s yelling.
She’s yelling back.
Brian says to the not-so-gentleman, “You need to just walk away.”
The guy flings a few crude & uneducated words into the air and walks away.
Girl is crying.
I just hold her. She’s shaking.
I don’t know what to say.
Me: “I’m Jenni. What’s your name?”
Her: “Joanne.”
Me: “Joanne, can we take you somewhere?”
She doesn’t have anywhere to go.
It’s freakin’ cold outside.
I crank up the heat in our car and put her in the passenger seat.
Police show up.
Then another pulls up.
Then a police truck pulls up.
Then a firetruck.
WHAT IS GOING ON???
Chance & Pax are in police car & firetruck heaven.
We give our reports to the officers.
They question her. She lies. Denies everything.
My heart drops.

Once the police were out of earshot, I sat with her again.

I asked her, “Why didn’t you tell them the truth?”
She replied, “Lady… I love him. I don’t have anywhere to go.”
“We can get you help.”
“I really appreciate you for taking time, but I’m nobody.”

I grabbed her hand and made her look at me in the eyes…

“Listen carefully, Joanne. This is important! You are NOT a nobody. If you were nobody, we wouldn’t have stopped. We wouldn’t be here right now. You are somebody. You are somebody beautiful and special. I don’t know who told you you weren’t but they are liars. I see you are breath-taking and worth so much more than you know. I KNOW you are somebody… and I hope you believe that about yourself someday too.”

She cried.

“That’s really nice of you. You don’t even know me.”
I tell her, “I know enough.”

I wrote down my phone number for her. And my email address (just in case), handed it to her and said:

“I’m hoping you don’t go back to him. But I know you might. And in case you do, and in case you find yourself in this situation again, I want you to make the situation different because you have the power to do that. This is my number. Call me. I’m just around the corner and I will come get you. Do you understand?”

“Yes. Thank you!”

And then I asked if I could pray for her. For her and him. She said yes… and she cried straight through my prayer.

We’re finally home. Our “5 more minutes” became “an hour later.” We had enough time to explain to our boys what happened. We talked about why we stopped, why Daddy was so brave and why we do the right thing even with people we don’t know and EVEN when it may not be safe to.

Chance had some questions and thoughts… like he always does. Pax wanted to know why we weren’t at the hotel anymore (he was more enamored with the flashing lights on the police cars. I’m ok with that.). We did the best we could with both of their questions.

** Quick note: if you’re a Joanne… read the bolded italics up above again. Tell someone. And if you think you have no one, tell me. Click on the “CONTACT” square on the left column near the top. I WILL get back to you and we’ll find you resources together. YOU are beautiful and made with a purpose. NO ONE gets to lay a hand on you like that. NO ONE.

For the rest of you out there: if you ever see stuff like this going on in public… STEP UP. It IS your business. What if that was YOUR daughter/sister/mother? Do the right thing. For humankind.

My husband is valiant, brave and a hero. He proved that tonight. In front of me and in front of our boys. Not because he was trying to prove something… but because he was going with his gut and doing the right thing. He could have gotten punched. He knew that. He did the right thing anyway. I am so proud of him!

What would you have done?

Overwhelmed

I feel like I’m treading water.
My heads just above the water line.
I’m tired.
No. Exhausted.
I see land. Rest. Hope.
But it’s SO far away.
And I don’t know if I can get there.
Or if I’ll drown before I get there.
Maybe if I float on my back for a bit.
Where’s my back again?
And what if I get turned around while I’m on my back floating?
What if start floating the wrong direction.
I need a coastguard.
And a strong cup of coffee.

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