I thought my feelings would go away after a week. I thought I would just GET OVER it.

I was wrong.

I’ve been avoiding this… but alas… it is time.

Last week, Holly and I got to lead worship together again. I was the band leader on Acoustic Guitar, and Holly was our fearless worship leader. I love, Love, LOVE weeks like these with Holly.

But something went very, VERY wrong on Sunday.

This particular set was a bit upbeat. That’s great for our 11am service, but I knew… even before we began… that this was going to be a stretch for 9am (Sunset’s 9am is the more Traditional Service whereas the 11am is the “you-can-wear-your-jeans” service… I usually wear my jeans to both)… and I was right.

From the first chord of “Because of Your Love”, I wanted to pull a paper bag over my head and just play. I knew it wasn’t their style. I knew what they were thinking. They told us with their eyes. We continued though. Holly braved through and led us through the second song, “Lord, You Are Good”.

Obviously, after this song, Holly had had enough. Seth was supposed to read a verse and we were supposed to transition into “The Love of God”. However, Holly decided in that moment, she had NO love for God and dropped the song.

Ruh-Roh!!!

No one knew what to do, so Holly said, “Dave Tilma has something very important for us to hear.”

WHAT???

Tilma did a good job recovering. I think most everyone else in the congregation didn’t notice… or they were just glad we were done with our “rock concert”. Whichever way… it was good.

Holly and I walked our rounds from band member to band member, letting them know we were dropping a song (btw… the service ended up running a bit long anyway… so it was good that we “cut” a song). Our next song was the for the Offertory. We sang Chris Rice’s “Life Means So Much”.

Before we started the song, Holly talked about why life means so much. She shared a tear jerking story about her Mom getting cancer and what that meant to her. Her Mom is a cancer survivor… but the life lesson from that horrible moment they heard the news was all worth while.

*sigh*

The moment was set up… Joyce had already started her riff on the keyboard. Rhett gave us the soft rhythm. Yonas started tinkling the ivories the only way he knows how… with brilliance. What are the first words??? “Everyday is a journal page… everyday is a journal page… everyday is a journal page…” Okay… I’ve got it. I take a breath in preparation for my first line. And then….

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT SOUND???

Umm… that’s not part of the song. Where is it coming from?

Basically, Janet’s iPod decided to rear it’s ugly head in the monitors. Another song (in a similar key) started playing.

Let me share with you what I said to myself in order to calm the rising anxiety within me as I sat there on the platform in the longest minute (that felt like 20 minutes) of awkwardness ever. I’ll leave out all the expletives I was YELLING in my head mostly because I really don’t want to scare you. Ready?

Here we go:

Ok, Jenni. Don’t panic.
This is just going to be a second. No one will even know.
Your first note is an E. “lalalalala” E!!!

5 seconds go by.

It will go away in a second.
Everyone keep playing.
Just pretend this isn’t happening.
WORDS: “Everyday is a journal page… everyday is a journal page… everyday is a journal page…”

10 seconds.

Smile.
Smile Bigger!
Listen for Joyce.
Find your key. What key are we in?
Don’t start on the wrong note. That would make this even worse.
WORDS: “Everyday is a journal page… everyday is a journal… WHO THE ‘H’ CARES WHAT’S ON THE JOURNAL!!!” The iPod is still going.

20 seconds.

Why is the iPod getting louder?
Joyce stopped playing?
Why is Rhett still playing? Rhett stop. Stop. STOP!!!
OMIGOSH OMIGOSH OMIGOSH
(insert curse word of your choice… I probably said it)

30 seconds.

Why isn’t the sound man doing anything?
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! Help US!
If Holly didn’t skip “The Love of God” maybe God wouldn’t be punishing us right now.

40 seconds.

What is Jay McKenney doing in the sound booth?
Jay has NO clue what’s even IN that booth.
He’s actually looking at the soundboard, like he knows what going on!
Omigosh… that’s funny.
Don’t look at Holly!!! That will make you laugh.
But seriously… Her face must be priceless right now. Don’t look!!!
Oh man… I can TOTALLY imagine it right now.
Don’t laugh. Serious. You are a professional… DON’T LAUGH!!!
OH NO!!!
QUICK… TURN AROUND SO THEY DON’T SEE YOU LAUGH!!!

50 seconds.

Woman… PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!!!
Take a deep breath and turn back around towards the congregation.
*sigh*
Okay… turn around. I’m good. Pretend like this is normal and it hasn’t been a whole minute.

DING!!! ONE WHOLE FREAKIN’ MINUTE!!!.

Someone do something.
Oh, God… take me now!
OH!!!
YES!!! They figured it out.

Oh s*@&! What song am I singing?

The other day, I went into Starbucks and saw one of the girls I used to mentor meeting with another older woman who also happens to be a friend of mine. Now… when I say “older”, I don’t mean geriatrics… I mean older than the teenager. Just thought I’d clear that up for you.

My first thought was this:

“I’m so glad she’s still meeting with someone older and wiser! Now THAT’S Life on Life experience.”

My second thought (after I left Starbucks and took a couple of sips of my double tall soy extra-hot caramel macchiato… it just takes me awhile to wake up) was this:

“What the… Why no one meet with me?”

*Note: my second thought was with a Chinese accent. Sometimes that just happens. Ask any Asian… true story!

Anyhoo… that really got me thinking.

My life used to revolve around students and connecting them with Christ. Not only connecting them, but helping them figure out how to continue to walk with Christ after they graduated, into the craziness of life. What am I doing now for the greater good?

Some of you are going to tell me “being a Mommy is what you’re supposed to be right now!” and you’re completely right. That’s very VERY clear from God. But there’s something missing. I can’t explain it, but I’ll try.

I feel like a part of me is suffocating right now because I am not investing in or working what God has gifted me in.

I just read Melinda’s blog which has recently caused quite a stir in her neighborhood. Now there’s a woman who is “in the pocket”. She’s an involved Mom, does ministry side-by-side with her kids and now very obviously has an awesome opportunity with her neighbors.

In her comment section, it’s very clear that people are not interested in helping raise up the next generation. The more I think about it, the more I realize that’s probably 95% of the world. What I saw at Starbucks with my friend and her mentoree is not the “norm”. It’s uncommon and absolutely wonderful. It’s everything I love about “Life on Life”… it’s the best part of existing here on Earth. And yet, here I am… a retired Youth Minister at the age of 28.

Something about that sounds really weird to me.

So what is the answer to the question in my second thought?

Maybe I’m just having a day. Maybe it’s that wonderful time all of us women get to experience once a month. Or maybe there’s something real in this thought. If so… what do I do?

I have no clue.

All I know is I’ve graduated out 8 classes in my lifetime, and I don’t feel like I’m done yet.

Hmmm…

*pondering*

Today, during my lunch hour, I joined Brian and his cousin, David, at our new house. David does contract work for a living so it was nice to have him look around our new “Home Sweet Home” and give us his thoughts.

This was my second time walking through the house.

GOOD NEWS:

It’s not as bad as I remembered it to be.

BAD NEWS:

I’m allergic to my new house because they had a cat. I don’t know how much help I’ll be with tearing things out since it’s covered in the hair of Satan’s own spawn (sorry, cat lovers).

David walked us through his observations and ideas for the remodel. He began to ask us questions about our preferences. He asked about our preferences in: trim, casings, cabinet layout, stairway presentation, doorknob shapes, doorknob color, paneling in our doors, etc. Our options are endless. I didn’t know there were so many options to how our door casings looked.

As David threw out prices (remember, he does this for a living, so he knows the cost of everything), Brian got quieter and quieter. I knew why he was shrinking away. He was worried about the cost (even at David’s contractor discount). He was worried that we’d get 2/3′s into our project and run out of money. He was worried that he wouldn’t be able to provide a home for his family.

That made me worry too.

Does this mean I won’t get my dream kitchen?

Just when I thought this overwhelming wave of worry would crash on top of me, God ushered me into a protective tsunami proof shelter called Peace.

Brian and I are moving and changing our lifestyle in order to honor Him and be better stewards of things that belong to God anyway. Why wouldn’t He take care of us in our obedience to Him?

I’m not saying that just because we obey guarantees God’s blessings in the form of riches and no hardship. I know many God-fearing, righteous, obedient people who still struggle. God simply reminded me this wasn’t our final destination.

John 14:1-3

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

This is a mere moment in the life God has blessed me with.

I will take advantage of the privilege of this moment… however way it chooses to present itself.

Today we accepted an offer on our house. It’s pretty dern close to our asking price. We feel really good about it. I totally attribute it to all the prayer we’ve been getting from you guys.

My good friend, Allison, has been praying that we’ll find a new house that will fit our HUGE gorgeous table. It’s funny that she’s pregnant and struggling with nausea, yet she’ll take time daily to pray for my silly little request. I have good friends.

Speaking of good friends… Jen watched Chance all day today. She said he’s an easy baby. That’s the stuff Mom’s always want to hear. She picked up her kids from school today and Maddie looks and Chance and says, "I think I will babysit Chance when we get home!"… and she did. How awesome is she???

The sale of this house should close on March 15th… so now would be the time to start looking for a new house. Eeks.

New prayer requests, my friends. Here’s what we’d like of our new house:

• At least 1500 square feet (preferably closer to 2000 sq ft)
• 3 bed/2 bath minimum
• Open kitchen into family room area (so I can keep an eye on Chance)
• Big enough yard for our dogs
• Within our price range
• Close to the area we’re in now

I believe in prayer.

It is powerful.

God is good.

God is GREAT!

If you look through my past blog posts, you will see how God has lovingly answered all our prayers in His perfect timing. If my blog does anything at all, I want it to show the evidence of God’s glory in my life.

Praise Him!

Now, I’m going to make some chocolate chip banana bread.  Yum.

Now that I’ve been through a full week of work pretty much on my own, I feel a bit better.  I don’t feel as stressed now because I think I’ve got it down.  I still don’t have all the answers, nor will I claim to, but I think I can get through this in one piece.

I’m feeling challenged. 

I like that.

What I don’t like is that time flies by.  It’s good AND bad.  It’s good because there’s never a dull moment.  It’s bad because I feel like I run out of time for everything (ESPECIALLY time with my son).  It’s all for the good of things though.

One Word:  PEACE

That’s what comes to mind. 

The dust is far from settling for us, but at this very moment, I feel that we are in a good place (or will be soon).  At this very moment, I feel blessed to have the privilege to experience life at all.

There’s only one thing that is certain for all of us…

God is GOOD

Embrace that… and let’s rock and roll!

Here’s what the blurb below says:

Air Force Chief Master Sgt. John Gebhardt, of the 332nd Expeditionary Medical Group at Balad, Iraq, cradles a young girl as they both sleep in the hospital. The girl