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Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken

August 10, 2011 in Adultery, Books, Faith, Friends, Marriage, Ministry with 53 Comments

The first time my friend, Cindy, guest-posted over here was two years ago in 2009.

All this means is we were friends for longer than that because I don’t just have anyone post here. I trusted her. I believed her words were worth reading. I knew everything she had to say could only add to any readers life. The only thing that was “strange” was Cindy and I had never met in real life. You see, our friendship had grown over sharing our lives with each other in the blogosphere and emails.

That changed in May of this year (2011). We finally got to give each other one of the most epic hugs while we were in Nashville, Tennessee. She was every bit what I expected her to be… but more. More beautiful. More gracious. More funny. More taller. No joke. It took two to three of my little Asian steps to match her one tall German goddess strides.

She’s amazing.

And one of the most amazing things she’s done is write the book below.

I was fortunate enough to get an early copy to review. It’s probably because Brian and I were interviewed by Cindy and featured in a small portion of this book. I don’t know why I get invited to do cool stuff like this, but I’ll humbly accept.

In “Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken“, Cindy brings us back to the day her husband, Chris, came home and confessed his unfaithfulness. Not one, but many. And within the many, one was pregnant. Cindy’s life would never be the same. Cindy doesn’t candy coat her story with Christianese or out of context bible verses, but articulately ushers us into her living room to reveal the greatest loves story of all, God’s redemptive love in the lives of the broken.

Cindy is raw but elegant in her honesty and graciously wise in describing her experience. Here are a few of my favorite excepts:

“If you are battling something, if you find that you are sinning the same areas over and over again, chances are that you believe a lie about who God says you are.”

“So many people don’t deal with their grief adequately. They stuff it down and try to be strong for everyone else, thinking they aren’t allowed to feel sadness or they don’t have time to step away from routine to truly grieve. But I can tell you with full confidence that even when people are depending on you, even when life has to go on you must keep moving forward, there has to be time for grieving.”

“When people go through situations that rock their worlds, that destroy their trust and even their hope in mankind, they want to fix whatever is broken – fast. Unfortunately, trust isn’t a destination we reach; it’s a path we walk. Every single day.”

“When we compare our sin with the sins of others, we turn our standard into a moving target.”

“Take time to examine your heart. It’s amazing – we long to have our significant other know us intimately and truly, and yet many of us have not done the work to uncover our true selves and needs.”

Cindy’s book is FULL of grace, conviction and truth. I have already recommended this book to many people going thru similar experiences of infidelity and will continue to for as long as infidelity happens.

If you have survived, are surviving or fear having to survive infidelity in your marriage, this book is a MUST READ. In fact, I’d even got so far to say that if you’ve ever had your trust broken or felt deceived by ANYONE, not even necessarily in infidelity, this book applies to you.

And I believe this so much, I’m actually giving away one free copy away to one of you (or you can CLICK HERE and just buy it… but play my game anyway, k?).

If you’d like a free copy of Cindy Beall’s “Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken”, all you need to do is comment below. I want to get to know you so enter by telling me what your favorite word is and why. I’ll randomly pick a winner by this Friday.

I’ll start:

“Restored” – because that is what I am. I love it so much, it’s tattooed on the inside of my left wrist as a reminder to myself. Being “restored ” is being seasoned, loved, invested in, better than new and having more character.

Your turn. And good luck!

“Don’t Deserve A 2nd Chance!”

August 8, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 36 Comments

Saturday nights are my Sabbath.

I don’t watch tv shows. I don’t read blogs. I don’t surf the internet. And I rarely read my emails. I protect this night because I want to protect my heart in preparation to lead worship the next day.

However, this last Saturday… for some reason, I chose to log in.

Three weeks ago (and a rerun the following Monday), Brian and I were featured on a show called “Unfaithful” on the Oprah Winfrey Network (I wrote more about it HERE). I’ve somewhat been unplugged the last three weeks due to mission teams being in town, moving and then a family reunion in Oregon so I haven’t really been up on responses from that other than emails that have come in from my contact page on my blog.

That Saturday, we finally had our home office somewhat up and running. I was getting ready for bed and putting the final touches on our ProPresenter graphics for Sundays services when I decided to check out the OWN website.

That’s when I noticed 5 comments under the video with my face on it.

I shouldn’t have… but I clicked to read them.

Then I cried.

Anonymous strangers (or maybe not strangers) basically said I basically got off way too easy, did not deserve a second chance, and had no soul. Then, there was the 5th comment that said I lied about my affair not being physical to save my job. Obviously that person either went to my old church and misheard or received this information second hand (which by the way, HERE’S the recording from that day… and I definitely didn’t say that).

My initial reaction was sadness. I wasn’t angry. It stung, but I can’t say it really even wounded me deeply. Half of what they were saying was true. No, I didn’t lie about my affair to my church to save my job (besides, I believe an affair is an affair, emotional or physical. Your heart still leaves your marriage vows and God clearly says what’s in your heart matters) and I DO have a soul… but they’re right in saying I don’t deserve a second chance.

In the past, I would have been pretty wrapped up in what these faceless people were saying about me. I would go in and defend myself. I would link them to my written and recorded story here on my blog. I would want to set them straight. But today, I’m different.

It doesn’t really matter what they say. It barely matters what I say. I don’t need to defend myself. No, OWN didn’t portray our story exactly they way I would have chosen to, but how else are you supposed to smash 20+ hours of recorded footage into 20 minutes of play time. I don’t blame them. I don’t blame anyone.

The reality is these are some of the consequences that come with the choices I made in the past. The other reality is these commenters have some deep hurts in their lives that are also undealt with. So I prayed for their hearts. Brian and I read these comments again together and prayed for restoration in their lives.

The next day, I went into worship leading “Our God” with these words:

Our God is Greater. Our God is Stronger.
God, You are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in power, our God!
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, the what could stand against?

And that’s the Truth… no matter what.

No, I don’t deserve a second chance… but I am humbled and grateful I get one.

And if I get one… so do you!

Clarification…

July 18, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Life Experience, Marriage, Television with 42 Comments

… on our episode of “Unfaithful” on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network).

To be honest… they really did a pretty good job of not twisting the words that came out of our mouths. They DID change a few details in the printed portions of our episode… though in their defense, they DO claim to change names, details, and timeline to protect others.

Again… the truth of our story can be read HERE but I thought I’d clarify the parts of our story that weren’t portrayed correctly in this episode for integrity’s sake:

* We didn’t purchase a 4 bedroom home 6 months after we got married. We lived in a 3 bedroom condo our first year of our marriage. Then an apartment transitioned us the next year and in 2003 we purchased our first home.
* I didn’t meet “Jim” at the airport. Our families had been friends for years before our mission trip to Mexico.
* Chance was born before I chose to have an affair. In fact, he was 10 months old.
* My affair with “Jim” was over before he got caught in his other affair.
* Brian didn’t pack his bag and leave town THAT night and I knew where he was going. It was a planned retreat about a week after I confessed my affair with purpose to give us, especially Brian, time to think and process.
* Brian and I have been married over 10 years now. We filmed this last November (2010).
* Most of all… God is responsible for saving our marriage. We LOVE Elaine and she’s a great counselor, but God deserves all the glory.

Did you guys watch it?
What did you think?

————————-

They didn’t end up including our renewal video made by our friend, Jay McKenney… but you can watch that on our JOURNEY page HERE.

Also… you can see my interview with Toby Keathley from Ladies Week HERE too.

Unfaithful: Our Story Tonight

July 18, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Life Experience, Television with 10 Comments

I just saw some previews for our episode tonight.

You can view one of our online exclusives:

And the tv trailers:
Here’s one…

And the other one that we share with Audrey & Bob…

Just watching myself in these previews already makes me uncomfortable in my own skin. But I’m trusting God to do what He wants with our story.

OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network), channel 256, 9/8pm central.

Here we go!

Oprah Winfrey Tells Our Story…

July 15, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Life Experience, Marriage, Prayer, Television with 36 Comments

… sorta.

Brian and I were asked to share our story of infidelity back in September of 2010 on for the show “Unfaithful” which happens to run on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) on channel 256.

We were surprised when we were asked to share. Then, we were hesitant. We asked a million questions… our story is very public, but television is a whole ‘nother level of public… and we don’t have any control of how they edit or re-tell our words. A million thoughts plagued me.

I don’t want other people getting hurt.
My words could get twisted.
The world is going to call me an adulterous whore.
What if I say the wrong thing?
Oh my word! It’s Oprah’s network!
But it takes more than counseling and wishful thinking to heal a marriage.

I think that was our biggest holdback. Our story is about MORE than just my affair… it’s about my whole life as I’ve lived it. It’s about the dysfunction of my heart and mind that poisoned my marriage and God’s hand in healing us despite all of it. Though we are HUGE advocates of counseling and coaching… the healing of our marriage was nothing short of a miracle.

GOD healed our marriage. God restored our lives.

Brian and I prayed long and hard about it. And after a week of consideration, Brian said:

“God is all powerful. He can send a message through any medium. Even if they edit out all our mentions of God, He can still speak to the heart of the viewer. We are merely the voice on a platform.”

So we went ahead.

We spent over 20 hours in interview time on the phone. We hashed out our stories and re-hashed them again. They wanted so many details. Details that God had already thankfully blocked from my memory. Even with the blockage, Brian and I re-lived those first days when I confessed my infidelity. We were exhausted. Then, in November, they came out to our home in Portland and filmed us. They also filmed our therapist (she’s so great!).

Overall… we spent about 35 hours to help make this segment without compensation of any kind. Every person who shared their story on this series did so voluntarily.

Our prayer in our participation was to help those who might find themselves in the same place we once were to hear this:

You are NOT alone.
You are NOT unlovable.
You can be restored to an even better you.
God is in the business of miracles.
Jesus has already paid for your mistakes.

I think we’re the season finale. I say “I think” because I’m not sure I have any idea what’s going on. We were originally told by our producer that our episode, the season finale, would also be running on the 11th, but the schedule on the OWN website says we’re on next Monday the 18th at 9pm and re-running on Monday the 25th at 10pm.

So, tune in if you’d like. If you know someone going through the wreckage of infidelity… tell them about it too. And pray. Pray with us that more good will be done because of our segment… in this whole series. For hope to be planted in the hearts of the hopeless. And for every word we say to point to Jesus.

And for Oprah… for hosting a forum for such a taboo subject.

Standing in the Gap

July 6, 2011 in Church Planting, Faith, Family, Life Experience, Ministry, Missions, Paseo with 20 Comments

A few posts ago, I asked what you wanted me to write about and you guys gave me some GREAT topics. So, I decided to go with my friend, Crystal’s, request first:

write about life as a missionary and the challenges and joys that come with it… as well as the life of redemption God is currently walking you through. what are you learning? what is God showing you to work on (cause we all know none of us have arrived yet).

I never thought I’d be a missionary. If I’m completely honest… I thought coming out after my affair would take me out of ministry permanently mostly because I was always taught sinners don’t have a place on the platform. Good thing that’s not true.

In fact, God not only restored Brian and my marriage but He’s currently redeeming our faith journey.

Being missionaries has been fulfilling and at the same time, absolutely alienating. We are in a foreign land. El Paso is in Texas, but we can LITERALLY see Mexico from where we are. Everyone here speaks Spanish. Everyone but us. I feel like I’m standing in the gap between “I know my purpose” and “what have I gotten myself into?”.

As surrounded and as embraced as we are by Paseo… we still don’t feel like we fit in. I still think this move was the best thing for our family unit. We’ve gotten to test the core of our family a bit in all this, and I can’t say I’m disappointed. I’m just saying following God’s call isn’t easy. However…

Community is happening here. Ministry is happening here.

In fact, Brian just left to go play poker at a nearby bar/restaurant. He goes, because there are regulars there. He goes because we’ve decided to be a PART of the community here… not call them to gather around us. Brian goes because two weeks ago, he got to share our story with a man there who isn’t churched. And in that conversation, that man asked Brian to meet with him regularly to talk about life… as it’s really lived. So Brian goes.

Our next door neighbor is going through a divorce. A divorce that is not his first choice. His Mom was just here for a month so she could watch his 4 year-old, Kristian, while he was on duty. He’s in the military so he’s gone days at a time. His estranged wife, who is abusive in ways that are unspeakable, agreed to sign divorce papers and hand over custody of Kristian if he would pay her a small amount (yes, she basically sold her child to him). He’s hurting. His little boy is hurting. So Chance and Paxton play with him. I share my wireless internet access with them.

I sat at their kitchen table talking to his Mom for two hours two weeks ago. I just listened. To the hurting heart of a mother for her beloved son and grandson. Of the grief over the dissipating dreams of having a relationship with her only daughter-in-law. Pain.

As much as I can’t yet say I fit in, I know without a doubt we are called here. We truly love the people and culture of El Paso. I don’t believe we’re called here to be healers or to fix anything. I feel we’re just called to actively BE here and let others know they’re not alone.

So… here we are..
… the whole Clayville Clan…
… with no agenda…
… just standing in the gap…
… till they let Jesus fill it in.

And in the times I’m most homesick for what is most familiar… I remember… not everyone gets to be and do what I’m being and doing. Not everyone takes the challenge to truly live.

Carpe Diem!
How are YOU seizing the day?