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Guest Post Mania

February 15, 2012 in Adultery, Faith, Forgiveness, Life Experience, Marriage, Ministry with 0 Comments

Brian and I have had the amazing privilege of writing at two different sites this week. It’s good we’re writing somewhere… cuz we’ve been neglecting our own blogs. Oh well… c’est la vie.

Anyway… I hope you get a chance to go check out Brian’s guest post (at RefineUs.org) and mine (at LeadingAndLovingIt.com).

Here’s a taste of Brian’s:

I thought marriage would be simple bliss. But in reality, marriage has stretched me and challenged me in every aspect of my being.

From the time I was a young child, I knew I would get married one day. Through childhood programming, I decided that the mid-twenties is the earliest one should be married. So, as I went through my short time at college and then into my first job, I had no thoughts of looking for a wife. It was my time to enjoy life with no serious commitments. Then at 25, I met Jenni and quickly fell for her.

I knew marriage would not be all simple bliss, but I had no concept of how big some of our blind-spots were. Neither of us could imagine the impact of emotional damage that Jenni had endured in her 22 years and still needed to heal from. All of these things were lurking just under the surface, waiting to be exposed through the process of marriage…

… TO READ MORE, CLICK HERE…

And for my post:

… I was hiding the most rancid secret.

Three years ago, I promised myself I would NEVER tell Brian about my infidelity.

Paxton was about to be born (November 6^th, 2008) and I needed to preserve that facade of the perfect happy family. I remember feeling completely empty and comatose inside, but man, I could act. I bottled up every feeling, every epiphany, every unveiling of emotional tragedy I knew I needed to grieve because if I let ONE tear drop, the whole dam would break loose. And I just couldn’t be bothered with that.

Though I still believed that God was powerful and righteous, I’m not sure I believed He was good anymore. I remember wondering if He even knew my name. And though I made a living by singing and leading others into song about God being more than enough for us, the truth is I believed the complete opposite. I told myself God had forgotten me and all I had was myself.

My crappy self…

TO READ MORE, CLICK HERE.

Prayer

January 21, 2012 in Faith, Forgiveness, Friends, Life Experience, Marriage, Prayer, Second Chances with 1 Comment

**This is the post I wrote for this past Paseo E-Newsletter**

“I’ll pray for you!”

Who knows how many times I’ve heard that in the last 30 years. And though most of the time it came from a well-meaning person, even as a young child, I knew what it really meant:

“Oh, I’m sorry… that sucks! How do I get out of this awkward conversation?”

I won’t lie. I have been guilty of having those exact words exit my lips. And the moment I turned and walked away, I forgot all about that person… till next week when I saw them again.

It comes down to selfishness & lack of compassion.

SELFISHNESS: I didn’t want to squander my prayers away on others because somewhere deep inside I believed I needed to keep all of them for myself. And to be honest… growing up in a dysfunctional and abusive home meant I needed all the prayers I could get. I was running out in my “God Meter”.

LACK OF COMPASSION: I really didn’t care about anybody else. I wasn’t invested in other people’s lives. That’s why I forgot about their situation the moment I left the conversation… I was too wrapped up in my own life to care about anyone else.

Because I was stingy with my prayers, I thought everyone else was stingy with theirs.

It wasn’t until high school when someone finally said “I’ll pray for you… in fact, can I pray for you right now?” AND THEN they kept checking up on me for weeks after that I realized people really DID pray for me. Some people really meant it when they said, “I’ll pray for you.”

And I wanted to be that person.

Not only did I want to be the recipient of other people’s heart-cries to God… but I wanted my heart to cry out on behalf of others. I wanted to be a part of the community. I wanted to care about others as much as, if not more than, how much I wanted someone to care for me.

My age and life has more than doubled since that first time my friend prayed for me right on the spot. And since then, my heart has felt some of the darkest and most intense pains I’ve never wanted to feel. But it was in those times that the intercessing prayer of others became the guide to my only glimmer of hope.

Without people really, truly praying for me & Brian as well as checking in on us, I’m not sure we would have made it.

So with that, I say this: When someone pops up in your head, don’t squander that. In that moment… PRAY. And then let them know you prayed for them.

I also want to invite you to LET others pray for you. The reality is most people wouldn’t offer unless they really wanted to.

So pray… and like 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says, “Pray continually.” We’re all counting on it.

How can I pray for you this week?

Hello 2012

January 2, 2012 in Church Planting, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Life Experience, Personal Entries, Prayer, Second Chances with 1 Comment

I’ve been quietly watching as my twitter & facebook feeds update with many of my friends talking about their New Year’s Resolutions.

I have none.

Not that I have anything against resolutions or people who have them. I’ve seen many of my friends make resolutions and keep them EVERY YEAR. They’re amazing. But it’s not for me. Not anymore.

Last year, we moved 1,700 miles away from everything we knew. In the last 12 months, we’ve been stretched and worked. And though it was challenging, it was worth it. Every. Minute.

And I’ve learned a lot. A LOT…

… about who God is. That He is exactly who He claims to be. And that He’ll truly provide when you believe you have nothing left.

… about my family. About how courageous they are. About how loving they are. About how forgiving they are. I’ve learned that Brian is my protector, my cheerleader and the center of my every earthly desire. I’ve learned that my life is where he is. And from my two sons, I’ve learned about grace and determination and how to apply that in every day life. My kids are amazing.

… about my friends. I’ve learned how some really are more family than the “family” I was born into and how these friends are part of God’s gift of restoration in my life. If I were Job, these friends would be my second birth family… and I am thankful for second chances.

… about myself. I’m not even close to the same person I was three years ago. And I’m really starting to like myself for who I really am. I’m not saying “I’ve arrived” or that I don’t have stuff to work on. I’m forever a work in progress. But I like myself, maybe even love myself, more than I ever have.

And I’ve learned all this because I didn’t create resolutions I knew I was going to break. Sure, I had some goals… because we all need goals in life… but mostly, I prayed… and I listened. I really, really LISTENED because I wanted to clearly hear that ONE Voice that matters most to me. And when He spoke, and I obeyed… I learned.

2012 is just an extension of 2011. A continued journey for me.

So, no resolutions. No “I promise till I forget”. Just simply… I’m here. And I’m ready.

Carpe Diem. LET’S GO!!!

CoachUs with RefineUs

December 8, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Forgiveness, Friends, Life Experience, Marriage, Ministry, Second Chances with 2 Comments

Our good friends, Justin & Trisha, at RefineUs.org have created a new program and opportunity for couples who need some guidance in their marital journey. Brian and I are fortunate enough to get to be a part of this new opportunity.

One of the best things Brian and I did post-confession of my affair was seek counseling AND coaching. The biggest mistake we can make is believe we can do all this on our own. So, I urge you… go check THIS out.

PLUS… maybe you could win something awesome in the process.

Help us get the word out!!!

… Because every single one of us is worth fighting for.

Refuge SSI

November 29, 2011 in Church Planting, Faith, Forgiveness, Life Experience, Ministry, Missions with 5 Comments

It’s been a month since I was in St. Simon’s Island, Georgia retreating with other ministry leader types at Refuge.

I’m not sure what I was expecting in this whole ordeal… but what I got was worth more than any dollar amount.

Upon arrival, I was:
** tired
** burning out
** lacking creativity
** boxed in
** breathless
** restless
** spiritually dry

What I expected was some down time, get to spend some time with friends, moments of intimate worship (not planned out or developed by me) and a brilliant speaker to help re-align me and put me back on the Jesus track. And I got that… and SO much more.

In my time at this retreat, I found and got connected to the most healing peace I have ever felt. Nothing was rushed, the Holy Spirit guided… and we followed. Ian Cron (by the way… do yourself a favor and pick up his newest book, Jesus, My Father, The CIA and Me: A Memoir… of Sorts this Christmas holiday. One of the best books I’ve ever read!) was our main speaker, and he guided us through a journey of shalom, allowing us to address and recognize the parts of our lives that aren’t usually safe to mention in some Christian circles. He gave us time to grieve, celebrate, worship & just be.

For the first time in a long time, I felt truly pastored (and that’s coming from me… as a Pastor).

Personally, I found myself forgiving my mother at a whole new level. I forgave myself, the adulteress, at a whole new level, and forgave myself as a mother, the ways I’ve failed my boys already… and the ways I know I’ll fail them in the future. I like to call that “preventative forgiving”. One of the greatest things was getting to do this with others just like me.

It was profound.

Most importantly… I got REAL, HONEST time with God. In the few days I was there, God filled me fuller than I have been in years… maybe ever… and released me to be exactly what He created me to be. Flaws and all.

Upon departure, I was:
** revived
** ready
** full of creativity
** released
** excited
** rested
** spiritually drenched in Truth

I’m so thankful I got this opportunity to be even more restored. I’m grateful to get to take another step in my journey towards freedom.

I don’t know if they’ll hold this retreat again next year… but I hope they do. And if they do… I will move mountains to make sure I’m there.

Because in the end… I’m better for it.
What’s something you’d move mountains to do/keep doing?

POTSC: the Church

September 26, 2011 in Faith, Forgiveness, POTSC with 18 Comments

For some… this is what the Church looks like.

As a Christ follower… I KNOW the Church, the body of Christ, doesn’t land on one domination or one group of people. But the reality stands (especially down here in the borderland)… this is who represents the church.

I am a Pastor at Paseo Christian Church. I believe that with my leadership comes a higher level of accountability. With people… but especially with God. But what happens when the boundaries of accountability help cover up the mistakes and the horrible wrong-doings?

I’ll be honest here. I have grace for a lot of things. But I would have a VERY difficult time extending grace if someone hurt my child. Mama bear might come out and rip your face off.

DO.
NOT.
MESS.
WITH.
MY.
KIDS.

And there are some things that are done… that can never be undone.

Sexual abuse. It’s violent. It’s damaging. It’s irreversible. When it comes from someone who’s a spiritual guide that is supposed to be SAFE, it violates not only the physical, emotional and mental sides of us, but it destroys our spiritual being. How are we to ever look at God and trust Him when we can’t trust our earthly guides that help connect us to Him.

And when it comes to children. It’s unforgivable.

Or is it?

How audacious IS grace?