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Sex, Shame & Identity

March 4, 2013 in Adultery, Faith, Forgiveness, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Life Experience, POTSC, Prayer, Second Chances with 9 Comments

My good friend, Makeda, has written this post. It’s brilliant. It’s raw. It’s real.

She doesn’t have the nerve to post it on her own sites because, let’s be honest, Christians in our own circles are often the worst of uninvited judges. So, here she is today.

I think she’s brave. If all of us were more honest and candid as she is here, maybe the church wouldn’t be as hated by the world as it is. Just a thought.

Without further adieu… Makeda…

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“This is a new year. A new beginning. And things will change.”

A few weeks ago several blogs that I follow started writing about sex and purity in the church culture. It was random that so many of them were writing on this topic and it caught my attention. It has since turned into a very intentional conversation about how the church has historically handled the issues of sex and purity. You can go here to see a list of the blogs that are participating in this conversation. This post is not intended to add my voice to that conversation but rather to share the space I am in as God is working to redeem sex and sexuality for me.

I have a very skewed view of sex. I was not one of the girls who waited until marriage to have sex. There is a lot of shame for me around this issue. I grew up in a church culture that taught me I was supposed to wait and if I didn’t wait then I was a bad girl (who, by the way, was going straight to hell). I was a rule follower and a perfectionist as a child. I wanted other people to like me and I knew that if I was perfect, I could always guarantee they would love me. For this reason, among others, maintaining my good girl image was very important to me. So when I started wrestling with sexuality as a teenager, I didn’t talk to anyone; not that there was anyone to talk to but still I had no place to go to process any of this out loud. And when I eventually started having sex, I wore the bad girl label like a second layer of skin. It was my identity and I have stayed in that place of believing myself to be the unlovable bad girl.

I am 40 years old and still single. On really bad days, I believe my singleness is punishment for having sex before marriage. On the not so bad days I tell myself that I don’t really want to be married because deep down, I believe that no one will ever want the bad girl. It is the most consistent lie that the enemy has whispered in my heart over the years and the one I keep believing despite KNOWING it is a lie.

But with each blog post I read, I hear an echo of the Father inviting me into a story of redemption for this area of my life. I read Isaiah 41 a few days after stumbling on all these posts and verse 14 jumped out at me like never before

“Despised though you are, O Israel, don’t be afraid, for I will help you. I am the Lord, YOUR REDEEMER. I am the Holy One of Israel” (Isaiah 41:14 NLT. Emphasis added)

He is my redeemer and He wants to redeem every area of my life including this one. I read Romans 5 this morning and throughout the chapter I saw more echoes of His promise of redemption.

v. 1 “…we have been made right in God’s sight…”

v. 9 “…we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ.”

v. 10 “..we were restored to friendship with God”

v. 15 “And what a difference between our sin and God’s generous gifts of forgiveness.”

v. 22 “…now God’s wonderful kindness rules instead, giving us right standing with God…”

I feel the Father’s love in these words. I feel Him peeling off the layer of shame and rewriting my identity so I see myself as He sees me, loved so much I was worth dying for. I don’t fully believe it all yet but every day He draws me more and more to Himself. Putting the past and all my mistakes behind me and setting before me an invitation to step into this new story He is writing just for me. His love and His grace truly astound me and I am grateful beyond words.

Moldova: Day 4

January 24, 2013 in Faith, Forgiveness, Justice, Life Experience, Ministry, Missions, Moldova, Prayer, Travel with 4 Comments

What a busy week it’s been.

My brain has not stopped to rest. My heart feels as if it’s about to break into a million pieces. And my body just wants to do MORE. I want to help MORE. All of us feel this way. My friends/teammates are all responding differently:

Prudence is having dreams in Russian, which is interesting since she doesn’t speak it.
Alise keeps crying out of love, anger and empathy, which just makes me love her more.
Makeda is making up stories about addictions she doesn’t have.
Michelle keeps beating me up to prove a point… and I love it.
I want to collect all these babies and their Mama’s and just take them home with me.
Idelette carries more and more bags everyday and keeps buying fruit from vendors.

That was right before Michelle took me down.

This evening, we spent some time in the Youth Center talking to teenagers. Maria talked about the hiring process for employees in the US. The kids are brilliant. They had some really great questions, and honestly… if I had a business and they were legally papered to work in the US, I would be the first to hire them.

One of the girls who was asking the most questions was sitting right next to me.

Meet Anastasia. She’s 21 and studying at the University. Isn’t she beautiful?

Her English is better than some Americans and her questions were filled with intelligence and hope. Then she said something that made my heart sink:

“I’m not so smart… but if I stay at a job and work hard, could I get an increase in pay?”

Not so smart??? This girl is BRILLIANT! You could see it in her eyes and in how she listened. But how could I say anything? I didn’t even know her.

In that moment, I prayed:

“Lord, speak Your truth into her heart. God whisper who You’ve created her to be into her ear and let it travel to her heart to stay. Block the lies of the world that have hurt her, and change her for Your glory. Let her know she matters. Help her believe!”

After the program, she turned towards me and we started chatting. She shared a little of her story and we talked about working hard for what you want but staying balanced. After a bit, she asked me a something along the lines of: “How do you stay balanced? I get home from school and work and I just feel empty!” I’m sure I said something brilliant (of course), but the only thing I remember specifically was that I thought she should write. Like how I blog, she should write and allow her feelings, ideas and discoveries to be spilled out onto the page. She seemed to cling to that idea.

In conversation

Photo by PrudyChick

Then I said: “Anastasia… when you said you were not so smart… you know, that’s absolutely NOT true. In talking to you and watching you, you are SO intelligent, smart and beautiful! You can’t say things like that to yourself.” She agreed and said, “I won’t say it again!” As we continued talking, I thanked God for that moment and hoped she heard the truth about herself.

As she asked more about why I blogged, I began to share Brian’s and my story of Restoration. Never did I see any judgment in her eyes. Just understanding. We are not who we were yesterday when we choose who we are tomorrow. We continued chatting, and the crowd around us grew. Before we knew it, the rest of my team was talking to Anastasia. 10 women, pouring into 1. Then she said something profound:

“I am going to change the world. I think that we are something special. We are not our parents. We will do something better!”

We found out later that 3 years ago, she was a very different girl. We weren’t told any details, only that she went thru a very dark and sad time… and that it’s a miracle she’s alive and here with us today.

Alise cried. Prudy commented that my words may not have come at a better time. I felt amazed. Honestly, just humbled that I got the opportunity to meet such a bright and wonderful young woman. I’m glad she wasn’t taken from this world 3 years ago because she blessed me tonight by letting me remember God’s grace for what it is… AMAZINGLY MIRACULOUS.

And today, He is just as real as He’s ever been. God is still in the business of miracles, and I believe we’re watching one in the works.

Anastasia’s gonna change the world, folks. The truth is… we ALL can. One day at a time, one choice at a time. I’m truly humbled and privileged to know her.

Moldova: Day 2

January 22, 2013 in Forgiveness, Human Trafficking, Justice, Life Experience, Ministry, Missions, Moldova, Motherhood with 0 Comments

Today is only the second day of our seven day mission… and I already feel as if I’m mute, incapable of expressing my heart with words. I wish you could be here to see what I see, to hear what I hear, to feel what I feel. Obviously, you’re not, so I’m going to try my best to describe today.

This morning, our group of 10 women divided into 4 groups to visit former or at-risk human trafficking survivors.

Amanda Sims and I were paired with Natalia & Serge. We went to visit two different families. Natalia, who speaks Romanian, Russian and English was our
primary translator and guide.

Our first family lived out in the country in a small village. There, we met Iliona and 3 of her 5 children, Tanya (7), Maria (4) & Anna (1). Her two older children were at school. Iliona is 28 years old with kind eyes and a beautiful smile, but at first glance, you would think she was in her late 40′s. This Romanian speaking family quickly invited us into their small, yet cozy 300, MAYBE 350 square foot home. This home houses, Iliona, her husband, their 5 children & her mother.

Natalia, Amanda and I spent time chatting with Iliona and played with her children. No one in this immediate family had every been trafficked, but BoL is a part of their lives because they are the prime candidates for trafficking. They are considered an “At Risk Family” because with 4 extremely beautiful young daughters at the poverty level (they bring in between $1,000 to $2,000 dollars a year) the chances of at least ONE of the girls being trafficked is highly probable.

Fortunately, Iliona’s husband works IN the country though he works two jobs. His night job is security at a local village plant and his day job is at a wood cutting factory. However, his day job doesn’t pay him in Leu (Moldova’s currency)… they pay him in wood. And he takes it because that’s how he keeps his family warm.

The second family we visited weren’t so lucky. Tatiana (36 year Russian speaker) was trafficked. She was married and had her first 2 children with a man who couldn’t make ends meet. She received a job offer in Turkey from a friend who offered $2,000 a month and quickly jumped at the opportunity. As her mother cared for her two babies in Moldova, Tatiana, found herself sewing during the day hours and prostituting herself in the evening hours for nothing close to eighth of what she was offered. Somehow, miraculously, the police broke into the establishment she was forced to work and and rescued her. They sent her back to Moldova.

Soon after her return, her oldest daughter and nephew were brutally killed in a car accident (on a road we actually drove on today). Her husband couldn’t handle tragedy after tragedy and the marriage ended.

Tatiana currently lives in a 400 sq ft “studio” apartment in a condemned building with her second husband, son and youngest daughter, Michaela, who’s 3. A small wood stove sits in the middle of their apartment that always has a fire burning inside & a pot of water heating on top for baths, dishwashing and clothes cleaning. They live in a neighborhood where known social “sinkers” (ex-convicts, drug addicts, etc.) reside.

This building is nicknamed The Titanic.

Isn’t that nickname just full of hope and second chances. If that isn’t bad enough, the only people who know about Tatiana’s trafficking experience are the staff at BoL. She hasn’t told her husband and family in fear of social isolation. If it weren’t for BoL staff, she would be living her horrific past alone in her own mind.

But thankfully, because of BoL & HopeChest, these families know they are NOT alone in this horrible and terrifying journey. I am proud and humbled to be on this trip.

And at this time… I don’t know what else to say. But if you’d like, you can read Amanda’s post from today over HERE.

Moldova: Day 1

January 21, 2013 in Faith, Forgiveness, Human Trafficking, Justice, Life Experience, Ministry, Missions, Moldova, Travel with 10 Comments

We arrived safe and sound (well… partially sound) in Chisinau (pronounced Keesheenow) at around 1:30pm Chisinau time. From wheels up in Washington DC to wheels down in Chisinau (with a short layover in Munich, Germany), our travel time totalled about 14 hours. Not horrible… but none of us really slept in the plane. By the time we adopted Moldavian time and went to bed in the evening, most of us had been up for over 24 hours.

But a full nights sleep sure was a blessing.

As we were landing in Moldova, we saw an expansion of green frozenness. All the water masses were completely frozen over. Of course I thought of ice skating on them. You would have too.

Upon landing and receiving our first Chisinau stamp in our passport, we were quickly greeted by our host, Vladimir & Benjamin. Vladimir is the co-founder (alongside his beautiful wife) of Beginning of Life (BoL) here in Moldova. Benjamin is one of their valued staff. The two of them are the very few Moldavians who speak English.

Because of where Moldova is located and due to the confusing past of the Soviet Union, about 60% of the country claims Romanian as their home language and the other 40% claims Russian. However, about 70% speak both. Our shuttle driver, Michael (pronounced Meekhaal) is one of the 70% who know very little English. It was fun TRYING to communicate with him because you can tell he has the most amazing heart and spirit, but language made our conversation more interesting. My team members kept saying that if we got in an accident, it would be all my fault for distracting him. I say if we get in an accident, it’s because of how people drive here… IT IS NO JOKE!

Michael is married and has two children. His son is 23 and his daughter is 21. He and his family are one of the few here intact and “family-like”. In our orientation with Vladimir last night, we learned staggering and heart-breaking numbers. Allow me to share them with you:

The population in Moldova: 350,000,000 :: That’s the equivalent to some cities in the US, yet the most heavily human trafficked country on this continent.

300,000 Moldavians have been trafficked.

100,000 men leave the country and never come home. They have HAD to find work in surrounding countries. Moldova is the poorest European country so the job opportunities are few. In an effort to support their family, men seek out work (mostly construction) in surrounding countries so they can send money home. Unfortunately, “employers” of other countries know their desperation. On top of low pay, they are left penniless and without a way home after a project is finished. Many of these men who left home in search for a better life for their family end up never coming home and find themselves begging and stealing in order to survive.

30,000 women have vanished into thin air. VANISHED. This is not counting the girls that have been sold by their families. Vladimir told us a story about a girl (we will be working with) who was SOLD by her mother for a bottle of vodka. She was 8 at the time. When Vladimir and his team found her, she was 16. She is now 18. She was one of the lucky ones who are accounted for.

Many of the girls in rehab at BoL were stolen or orphaned. We learned that many orphanages here are a part of the Trafficking Mafia and serve as a draft of some sort. The “pimp” will come in to scout out the most desired 6-8 year olds. These chosen orphans are fed a better diet and groomed in prep to work at one of the brothels here or in other surrounding countries. Despite prostitution being illegal here, there are 250 brothels just in this cities capital. Can you imagine your 8 year old going “off to work”?

My oldest son, Chance, is 7.

Every family in Moldova is affected by human trafficking. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. Not one family escapes wondering where a daughter/niece/cousin/friend has disappeared to. That breaks my heart in ways words can never describe.

Today… our work begins.

This morning, we are going to meet and spend time with families who have been affected by human trafficking. These are either families who have recovered their daughters or they are women who have successfully “graduated” out of BoL’s Restoration program. Then, this afternoon, we are headed back to the Restoration Home (where the rehabilitation and reintegration takes place). Our team is going to teach the girls how to cook, craft & art journal. Just looking at some of the art and dolls they’ve handmade makes me wonder if we can offer them anything at all.

I’ll be honest. My heart is broken. This crap SHOULDN’T happen. Especially not to children. We have strict instructions of what we can and can not do while we’re at the Restoration Home. My job is to hear God and extend that to girls who ask “WHERE WAS GOD WHEN I WAS RAPED?”

I am totally out of my league here… but I’m willing to anything for them at this point.

Stay tuned. My goal is to post something here every day. You can also read what the rest of my team is writing too. You can find them HERE. And please… pray for our team. What the world has made evil, God can restore. We are here to be a part of the solution.

Beyond Ordinary WINNERS

January 18, 2013 in Books, Faith, Forgiveness, Life Experience, Marriage with 3 Comments

We’re all winners… sometimes.

And today, we have TWO! The winners of this weeks BEYOND ORDINARY GIVEAWAY are…

Drumroll please!

#3: Toby Keathley & #4. Mikey Sison

I promise I didn’t rig this… but when the random numbers got pulled… I GUFFAWED outloud. What’s hilarious is all 3 of us are hanging out this summer in Hawaii! And now we can talk about that book there. YAY!

Congrats, Toby & Mikey on your win today. This book is amazing and it really will enlighten you.

For the rest of you who entered but didn’t get the freebie… you have two options. You can either chase them on their blog tour and continue entering to win at other blogsites or just go and purchase it yourself. It will be the best money you’ve spent in a long time.

Thanks for playing!

Guest Post: Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

January 16, 2013 in Adultery, Books, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Marriage, Ministry, Prayer, Second Chances with 0 Comments

Yesterday, I shared a video interview we had with the Davises. Today, my beautiful friend, Trisha, is guest posting here to share a bit more of her heart with y’all. If I had known even a smidgen of this 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have had to hit rock bottom as hard as I did. I’m sure I still would have gone “down” for something, but I can’t help but wonder if the collateral damage would have been less.

Without further adieu… here’s Trisha to talk a little about SEX!

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When Justin sat me down to confess being sexually abused as a child and to a ten year long pornography addiction during our separation in 2005, at the time I was just thankful he was being completely honest with me and not thinking through the ramifications of his addiction or abuse. Honestly, there wasn’t much to process because I had no clue what having a pornography addiction even meant or how to heal from sexual abuse. As we started to unearth our sexual brokenness we realized that the lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship was the physical evidence of emotional and spiritual brokenness in our marriage.

We have talked a lot about what it means to be fully known in a marriage relationship. Being fully known is not just emotional and spiritual but it is physical as well. Being physically known is often harder to unpack and achieve.

For someone who never married, Paul paints a beautiful picture in 1 Corinthians 7 of what it looks like to be fully known by your spouse. I found solace in this passage (which is often translated,to sex just being a mandate for married couples) Paul turns into a beautiful picture of what it means to be fully known.

Read what it says in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 New Living Translation (NLT)

“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife”.

My biggest hurdle was trying to understand the how and why behind Justin’s struggle with porn. How do I not fear lust, pornography or the reality that my body will never look twenty again (unless we become rich and famous) I kid…

Seriously, though, after giving birth to three kids and gaining and losing 30 pounds three different times how on earth could I compete with the perfect looking women on the computer screen or in the movies? How do I know that Justin won’t have an affair with the next best friend God places in my life? I had never connected this passage with sexual struggles.

Look how this passage is translated in the Message.

1 Corinthians 7:2-6

It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.

Paul knew one thing to be true: that sexual drives are strong. But he says that the marriage bed is stronger. He goes on to say ‘”the marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. I’m not afraid to use the word “sex” but this passage is more than just sex rather it’s a beautiful definition of what extraordinary physical intimacy looks like. Although physical intimacy is not always mutually desired when it is mutually offered it goes beyond the obvious physical pleasure and becomes a sacred sharing of being fully known physically, emotionally and spiritually. Pornography, lust and masturbation may meet one of these needs for a short period of time but always comes back void of fully satisfying what physical intimacy was created for.

Sexual intimacy should be mutally offered, even though at times it won’t be mutually desired.

Wives isn’t it comforting to know that sex is so much more than just a physical act used to satisfy our husbands? Husbands isn’t it equally affirming that your strong desire to be intimate with your wife goes beyond just the physical? Sex is something to look forward to not something that is dirty, wrong or sinful. It is a gift that God gives to a husband and wife when they mutually and sacrificially give their bodies to one another in order to be fully known. This doesn’t mean that after two days of cranky kids, the car breaking down or a deadline at work won’t get into the way of this type of intimacy. It doesn’t mean that lights will automatically dim, candles will ignite and a love song will start to play as you mutually offer yourself to each other (although sometimes that’s really fun). What it does mean is that the act of offering yourself “to serve the other, whether in bed or out” continues to draw you to each other well after you’ve been sexually satisfied and that is extraordinary.

But in order to become fully known physically it will require you to choose a path that may not be easy but it’s always worth it! It will require prayer, patience and grace. Lot’s of grace!

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Isn’t Trish amazing? I love her heart!!! I’m so privileged that I get to call her friend!

Don’t forget… I’m giving away 2 copies of Beyond Ordinary tomorrow evening. Make sure you enter to win HERE.