Continued from yesterday of the Top FIVE most asked questions about the restoration of my friendship to “Jane” (the wife of the man I had an affair with).

Yesterday, I answered:

1.  How did you tell her?
2. Is it necessary for me to tell “Jane”?

To find my responses, CLICK HERE.
Now, for the rest…

3.  IS YOUR FRIENDSHIP RESTORED TO HOW IT WAS BEFORE?

Has she forgiven me? Yes.
Are we friends? Yes.
Is it like before? No.

I had to do a lot of work for awhile. I had to answer a lot of her questions about certain timelines. She didn’t think of all these questions during our first call due to shock… so I HAD to give her this time. Again… very important. Do not share in details… but in CATEGORIES (as my friend, Ang, says)! There were questions she asked that I told her would be a question she needed to ask Joe if she really wanted to know. My true desire for them was restoration as well… and sharing details that SHOULD come from the spouse won’t help them.

When she came “home”… I MADE sure we had a face-to-face meeting. I was expecting her to slap me when she saw me… but she never did. She hugged me instead.

4.  DO YOU TWO HANG OUT ALL THE TIME AGAIN?

No.

Though we HAVE spent some time together, restoration in THIS specific friendship means we don’t hang out 24/7. Unlike Brian & my marriage, Joe & Jane’s marriage doesn’t look like it’s gonna make it…. so when Jane & I used to spend more time together, it only enhanced the hurt of differences… for both of us. Though she was VERY happy that Brian and I were choosing to work  through it, it was in her face that she was facing the end of her marriage. And though I love her greatly, the last thing I needed to hear was every detail of divorce proceedings and what Joe was up to.

She needed “THAT” friend to spill these things to… but it couldn’t be me. I wasn’t equipped… nor am I the appropriate friend for what she needed and deserved.

5.  WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT STILL BEING IN CONTACT WITH JOE?

I don’t.

We are no longer in contact. We haven’t been since I’ve talked to Jane.

First: if you want your marriage to heal… you CANNOT still be in contact with the sin that BROKE your marriage. I’m not saying that Joe broke your marriage, because it takes two to tango… so you need to own up to your part. However… if you “stay friends” it will NEVER work. You must cut all ties.

Second: if you want to have a truly restored relationship with Jane, you MUST leave her marriage alone. Why would you stay in contact with him if you’re really interested in making things right with her? It doesn’t matter if her marriage is ending or not… you’ve done enough. Many of you have mentioned that you feel like you’re stuck in the middle of their feuding. It’s not your job to fix her marriage or make things right in THAT department. So, remove yourself from the middle.

Walk away. Delete all his contact info. No “and’s”, “if’s” or “but’s”. And if he calls you…

… LET YOUR HUSBAND ANSWER THE PHONE.

Any questions, thoughts or additions?

I’ve received multiple emails/questions regarding my restored friendship with the wife of the man I had an affair with. Let’s call her “Jane” and him “Joe” for generics sake.

Jane and I were good friends before the affair… and even during (how horrible was I? I know!).

I understand it’s rare to not only survive an affair within a marriage, but to survive a friendship with the significant other you cheated with. There’s no “How To” book… because the reality is “I Shouldn’t Have” but somehow, God gave her forgiveness towards me.

For that, I am BEYOND thankful.

At this point, I’ve probably written responses to over 200 emails about this specific subject, so it seems obvious that this is a topic of interest, but one that’s rarely talked about. I thought I’d address the five most asked questions here. I’m going to break it up into two days… so it’s kind of a mini-series.

** Note: my answers to these questions are solely my opinion, what I’ve done and what I would maybe do differently in my specific circumstance.

So… here are questions 1 & 2:

1.  HOW DID YOU TELL HER?

I called her. She was the first person I called after I told Brian & my Pastor. I would have done a face-to-face if we were in the same city, but at that time, it just wasn’t possible. Jane deserved real person contact because we were real life friends. Your situation may be different. If you didn’t actually KNOW the significant other, my thought is you STILL need to tell her… but I’d start with an email.

When I called, I asked if she had a free hour. It’s not fair to drop a bomb like this if she’s JUST about to go out to her kids field trip, ya know? She said she was free right then. And I just said, “I need to tell you something really horrible… so are you sitting down?” After I was certain she was seated, I told her what I had done and I apologized… the best as I could.

If the person you are telling is about to head out to do something important, make an “appointment” for a follow-up time to talk. Otherwise, you may chicken out.

2.  IS IT NECESSARY FOR ME TO TELL “JANE”?

Not as important as it is to tell your spouse…

But, my opinion? YES! Other people’s answers may vary… but the “golden rule” is to treat others the way you want to be treated. Most people would want to know if this was going on in their marriage. If you truly want to repent and make things right, you NEED to bring it to the light. It wasn’t my job to worry about what happened to their marriage… but it WAS my job to offer the *appropriate* information. I say “appropriate” because there is NO reason for you to give her DETAILS. Speak in categories… not details.

I would also add this: if your motive to telling her is to get back at him… then you’re not ready to tell her… and you’re not really repentant and open for change. If this is the case, I would encourage you to invest in counseling and NOT contact your “Jane” at all until you can honestly say you want the best for them. You will only cause more damage… and that is not in the best interest of ANYONE, including yourself.

Part Two: Questions 3, 4 & 5 to be answered tomorrow…

… so hold your horses!