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Our Story (Part Three)

October 15, 2009 in Adultery, Family, Guest Bloggers, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage with 5 Comments

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The very thought of this was overwhelmingly humiliating for both of us. Jenni had just conquered several years worth of fear by telling me her most painful secret and now a week later, I was asking her to expose this ugliness to all those closest to us. She shut down in fear…

… but not for long.

Within 24 hours, Jenni did as I asked. Our pastor and his wife were at our house the next night. Jenni shared her story boldly, even though she knew she could lose her job as the Worship Pastor at the church. This was a big deal because we really needed this income. Our fear was quickly quieted and Jenni’s willingness to be honest was embraced. Matt and Cindy were gracious, forgiving and supportive. Not only did they choose to keep Jenni on staff, but they really helped us in many ways through our healing process. I can’t say many people in church leadership are like this.

Over the next few days, Jenni called our closest friends… the ones she had lied to and confessed her story. One of her first calls was to the wife of the man she had the affair with. That’s a whole different story, but I can tell you that she forgave Jenni and they are actively working through an amazing restoration in their friendship. The reaction from the rest of our friends and family were varied but most were very forgiving and full of grace. I was and still am so proud of her for being willing to risk so much and to be so vulnerable.

The months following didn’t get any easier. I guess you can say I was going through the grieving process. I pulled back from life. Several times, I wanted to give up on our marriage and just escape the pain. Maybe a handful of people checked in on me or called to encourage me… but this was rare. I’m not saying this is their fault, but the reality is people didn’t know what to do or what to say, so they just did nothing. Jenni and I had counseling but that was only an hour every week.

I felt abandoned.

The worst part was how distant I felt from God. I withdrew from Him just as I did from most people in my life. He felt so distant and irrelevant to me that I could not bring myself to pray or seek him with any consistency.

Finally, in mid-August, I knew it was time to stop focusing on my pain. It was MY turn to heal. It was time to come out of this desert. I asked God to use my horrible reality for his Glory. It was not clear to me what that meant or how I would do it, but I MADE that decision.

Jenni arranged a last minute trip to my parents’ house in La Grande. We spent a lot of time praying, being quiet and just BEING together. I found God again… right where I had left him. This weekend away became an instrumental time for our marriage. We were healing. Not just the pretend-stuff-it-under-the-rug “healing”… but we were falling in love again. Me and God… and me and Jenni.

We came home with a new hope, a new goal and a new future. We were like newlyweds. Everything was actually good, which was amazing because there was a time when I truly wondered if anything would ever be “good” again. My marriage was… no… is GREAT!

This was when God decided to do as I had asked – use my horrible reality for His Glory. In my quiet time with God, He spoke:

“It’s time for you to share your story…”

“WHAT??? Jen will NEVER go with this! She had a hard enough time telling those closest to us!” I argued back. But God was going before us in a way I had never imagined.

Jenni came home from her staff meeting that day and said, “Matt (our pastor) wants us to share our story at church… and I think it’s time.”

We knew this was God ordained. We knew it was time to finally obey God completely with our marriage. We were scared spitless. EVERYONE was going to know. EVERYONE was going to judge us… judge Jenni…

… but it was time.

(… to be continued …)

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Read Our Story in order here:

Part One
Part Two

Our Story (Part Two)

October 14, 2009 in Adultery, Family, Guest Bloggers, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 9 Comments

Brian, my better half, is going to “guest-blog” and write the next two parts of our story:

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When Jenni broke the news to me, I was devastated to say the least.

I went and stayed with my friend, Todd, who had recently been through some hard times of his own. For the next few days, Todd gave me a safe place to talk, pray and have a quiet place to rest.

He listened to my story.
He comforted me.
He gave me space to process.

In my own reflection, I felt like such a small man. I had been too weak to confront issues that had obviously been inappropriate. Why had I not set stronger boundaries… been more protective and jealous? How could I have not seen this happening with my wife? After all… this was MY WIFE.

The next few weeks were an emotional roller coaster. There were days, I totally blamed Jenni and the other man (who was my friend). ”How could they have done this to me?” Those days, I just wanted a divorce because I thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore. However, there were also days where I just celebrated the fact that Jenni had finally been truthful with me. Though the news was devastating, she ultimately chose to honor me… risking everything by telling me about her affair.

I realized that I had come very close to losing the love of my life.

You see, Jenni grew up in an emotionally abusive home and had a lot of emotional scars that needed to heal. This didn’t stop at childhood. I have actually witnessed this during the time of our marriage. My wife had been walking on eggshells for 30 years. This caused her to build walls around herself for protection. She was ready for conflict at all times… even if she didn’t need to be. She NEVER felt safe, protected, or truly loved unconditionally. I didn’t know how to provide all she needed. Nor was I capable at that time.

Todd challenged me to stay by her and love her through the process. He reminded me that my boys needed a father AND mother working together to be Godly role models. That’s when I finally made the decision:

I wanted to make our marriage work.

The work of processing through where I had failed in our marriage looked me straight in the eyes. What I saw in myself was revealing and uncomfortable.

I rarely ever pursued Jenni.
I avoided anything that felt like conflict with her.
I never attempted heart felt communication with her.
I was not jealous enough as a husband and best friend to seek her full attention.

By not saying anything, I told Jenni she didn’t matter enough to me for me to fight for her. I didn’t protect her OR cherish her. Though she was the one who chose to splinter from our marriage vows, I knew I too was responsible for the breakdown of our marriage.

But the more I thought about this three year secret that had just surfaced, the more I realized I wasn’t the only person Jenni had hidden this part of her life from. For lack of better words, Jenni had lied to many of our close friends and family too. I asked her if she would go and tell them the truth.

She flipped out…

(… to be continued …)

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Our Story – Part One

Cindy Beall: A Man Without A Home

October 12, 2009 in Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Life Experience with 2 Comments

Today’s post was written by the one and only Cindy Beall.

Cindy is an example of a woman I’m striving to be like one day.

I sort of stalk her. Not in the “single-white-female” psycho kind of way… but in the “Wow, she’s amazing!” kind of way. She’s got more forgiveness and grace in her pinky fingerNAIL than I have in my whole being.

I have a LOT to learn.

You can read more about her story HERE.

Cindy… thanks for writing over here today. Amidst your busy schedule and hectic life, you still chose to share your life with us. You challenge me to be better person. I’m grateful for you.

Without further adieu… here’s Cindy…

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I felt someone come up behind me as I was unloading my basket full of groceries onto the conveyor belt at my local grocery store. I eventually turned around only to lay eyes on a taller man with a disheveled appearance. The clothes he was wearing were filthy, stained and in poor condition. His aroma was equally disturbing. But he smiled, nonetheless. And appeared to be a relatively happy soul.

At that time, I realized he was the man. The man who rides his bike throughout the town where I live. The man who can often be found wearing three layers of clothing on a hot, July day in Oklahoma. The man who is often snoozing underneath a Bradford Pear tree to shield himself from the precipitous elements.

“I hate the rain,” he said smiling. I couldn’t help but notice that his teeth were in awful condition. I imagine due to the fact that he probably doesn’t brush his teeth everyday or go see his dentist twice a year like I do. Like my entire family does.

I smiled back at him, eyeballing my purse as I did. It was loaded with my grocery cash and newly replenished Dave Ramsey allowance. I didn’t want to lose it for it might mean I would lose the money I was about to use to go by a new pair of jeans. And he’s clearly the sort to steal money.

Or so I thought.

Once I finished and moved down, the space allowed him to place his items down that he was about to purchase. He put a pair of jeans, a watch, a 12-pack of AA batteries and a 16-oz. bottle of Grape Crush down. Then he did something I wasn’t prepared for. He whipped out a wad of cash from his pocket and began to thumb through the bills for he knew his time to render his goods was upon him.

What in the world, I found myself thinking. I mean, here is a man who doesn’t appear to have a home, appears to be in need yet he appears to have plenty of money to take care of his needs and even some wants. Because y’all, he didn’t need that watch because he was already wearing one.

The scene was oxymoronic at best. I was speechless, almost without the ability to glean an intelligent thought about what I was experiencing.

Before the wad of cash was thumbing through his fingers, I was close to giving him some of my currency. My hard-earned, well-deserved money. But now, I was confused. What if I offered it to him and he turned me down because he didn’t really need it? Was I willing to deal with my pride being spat upon in the face of my generosity of a $20 bill? What if he did take it and asked for more? Was I willing to give it? All of it?

But I didn’t offer. Nor did I give him anything.

I had the opportunity to show who I was as a Christ follower. Instead, I showed who I was as a Christ follower.

As I drove home in my nicely-equipped, almost paid-for SUV, I realized that I was not completely comfortable about the encounter with the man without a home. Yes, my heart was tugged on but clearly not enough to do anything about it. And that can either mean that maybe I wasn’t supposed to offer the man anything or that my heart has grown calloused to the needs around me.

Ruin me, Lord.

I need to be ruined.

Sarah Markley: Itches & Miracles

October 9, 2009 in Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Marriage, Weblogs with 6 Comments

Today’s post is written by my sweet, beautiful friend, Sarah.

Sarah and Chad have quickly grown into irreplaceable friends for Brian and myself. Our lives intertwine in the most incredible ways. Chad’s cousin grew up in the high school small group Brian led… but the most miraculous must be the timing of which we met. Sarah & Chad’s story is a lot likes ours.

These two have been instrumental in surrounding us with prayer, checking in and supporting us as we took our story public. Everyone NEEDS friends like these. Find people who’s life stories are similar to yours. Stories that run parallel cultivate the most amazing friendships.

Thank you, Sarah, for writing your heart on my blog today. I love you!

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It hurts to heal. Or at least itches.

When I was a little girl I would scrape my knee/shin/elbow like all little girls do. After a band-aid was in place my father would tell me not to itch it. I would think, “It doesn’t itch yet, it just hurts!”

But he was right; as soon as the wound would begin to heal, it would begin to itch and I’d want to rip off the bandage and scratch scratch scratch until it felt better.

But what I didn’t realize was the itching it would have reopened the wound. The scrape, even if it hurt and itched, needed the environment of the bandage to heal.

And time. And then a miracle.

It’s the same with us. With our big stories and big wounds and I-don’t-think-it-will-ever-be-the-same situations.

Healing hurts: I remember when I began the process of healing from my years of destroying my own marriage and watching my husband heal at the same time how much it hurt. Almost all the time. And I know it was necessary — the breaking and tearing away of my old habits, my old perceptions about myself and the world, the grief from watching the first seven years of my marriage crumble. No memory for us was safe from what I had done to our life together. We had to mourn the death of our marriage and try to rebuild.

Healing needs the right environment: When we walked down the process of healing, my husband and I made sure that we created the right environment for our fledgling marriage to prosper. We went to weekly therapy sessions and sought the regular counsel of our pastors. We got rid of all the things that had been a distraction for us earlier including inappropriate movies, alcohol, and unhealthy relationships. We cushioned our baby-marriage with the things that would help to heal. We put a bandage on and tried not to scratch.

Healing takes time: And then we waited. And while we waited we did the right things, the things we’d been taught to do, the things that would help us climb out of the hole that we’d dug for ourselves. This part of it can’t be hurried and this is where discipline and patience comes in. We wanted to fix things with a word, with a conversation, with one therapy session, but that’s impossible. We are human beings with hearts that break and need time to be worked back to wholeness. So we waited. And sometimes we wanted to pull the bandage off and see the new skin grown back underneath. But it wasn’t finished yet.

Healing takes a miracle: And then there’s that. With a normal wound, even with the right environment and time, the body still needs to regenerate skin cells and rebuild capillaries that have been severed. This part of it is the miracle. I can’t force a miracle. It has to come from outside myself, outside of my control. God is the One who created a heart (and a marriage) and He is the miracle-variable. He ultimately does the healing. His hands fix wounded souls and relationships that have been shattered. Hope in Him mends all that’s been broken.

Pulling off the bandage even hurts sometimes. But the tender, healed skin beneath it is worth the waiting, the pain and the sacrifice.

Do you itch?

SWAP: “Rubber Meets the Road”

September 30, 2009 in Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers with 7 Comments

Lynse Stevens is a sweet precious friend of mine.

Here’s a woman who has not only faced every blow life has had to give her head on and said, “You will not decide who I will become!” but she’s turned all of that energy towards flipping all the negative to show God’s amazing grace and love for us. She challenges all who have ever been “damaged” to step up and say, “I don’t have to stay damaged!”

We did a blog swap today so my writing is over there. Make sure you stop by!

You can check out more of her writing on her blog site at www.lynseleanne.com

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Have you ever felt broken?

not like the Godly broken….but like the nitty gritty broken. like you just dont work right. like there is something horribly wrong with you?

i have been spending some time feeling that way lately. i cant really pin point down where or why all of a sudden i feel this way. but it is an overwhelming sense that i am broken.

….but maybe that is a good place to be.

all of my life i have had it together. even through physical and sexual abuse, drug addictions, parents divorce…i have had it in control and i knew it.

but right now in this season i dont have it together…i cant seem to get it together. and because i am a control freak i feel like something is wrong…that i am broken.

but as i spend time in my journal and spend time in the Word i am seeing that this may be a good place to be. It may be rock bottom for me.

weekly facing my demons in counseling…and it hurts.

out of money….and daddy cant help this time.

without a job…and scared out of my mind cause 5 years of my life was wrapped up in the current one.

and i can not fix any of it….not one single bit of it.

only God can. and that scares me even more….because, frankly i have played a game. I have played Christian because it was my job, cause i knew it was “right”, cause i live in the south and thats what everyone does….but now the rubber meets the road….

do i believe that God can take this mess that I have made of my life and put it back together?