Last night, as we were tucking him into bed, we couldn’t find his doggy blankie. This is somewhat normal. He takes it out to the living room when he watches tv or into our room when he wakes up. But we looked in all the usual spots and couldn’t find it.

Finally, Chance says, “OH YEAH!” and pulls it out from under Paxton’s toddler bed (which has a bedskirt).

You see… we had friends over today. HE had friends over today.

I asked him, “Why did you hide your doggy blankie?”
Chance: “Because I didn’t want anyone to know I sleep with something.”
Me: “Were you embarrassed?”
Chance: “Yeah. I didn’t want them to make fun of me.”
Me: “Well, honey… We can tuck him away whenever you have friends over if you want.”

Here stood my five year old, with his LITERAL security blanket in his hand, admitting that at times, that same security blanket he knew his whole life could possibly be what threatened his security… at least in the eyes of his peers. What’s interesting is these specific friends have never been over and have never even said anything about lovey’s. But apparently, one of his friends did at one time.

I was ready to do whatever it took to help him find security in this situation. I agreed to help hide his doggy blankie whenever he needed, but inside… I died a little.

I knew this day would come. The day that my kids would feel like they had to hide a part of them from people. But I honestly didn’t think it was going to happen so soon.

Even with Brian and me being intentional in building security around our kids and making sure they know they are greatly loved as they are… the realization that the world is not safe for them is still very real and unstoppable.

And that… is just awful!
I am not ready.

Before you say it’s a mommy issue or whatever… I rarely remember my birthday or anniversary either. But just like my birthday and anniversary… I celebrate it and am thankful for this day when it comes around.

If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you know I have a somewhat distant relationship with my real Mother, however, I’ve found an incredibly meaningful relationship with my Mother-in-law. And as I wait on God’s hand in reconciling and restoring my own relationship with my real Mom, I’ll celebrate the second Mom He so graciously gave me. I don’t think I’m an unlucky girl because of a lack of relationship with my Mother… but I DO think I’m fortunately enough to have a second chance with my MIL. So, as we head into this weekend, I’m thankful.

Love you, Mom! Both of you!

But this post isn’t as much about them as it is me… or rather… who I mother.

As a mother of two amazing young boys, I really do appreciate when they celebrate me… but I would much rather celebrate them… and the privilege God gave me to BE their mother on this special weekend. And because of that, I never want to make this “holiday” of expectations. I want it to be a celebration of our family.

I have so many good friends that struggle on this day. Ones who were extremely close to their Mothers but have lost them to death. Ones who WANT to be Mothers but for some reason, that card just hasn’t been drawn yet. Some, like me, who’s Mothers really want nothing to do with them. And though all those are mournful situations and my heart truly breaks for them (and myself)… at this moment, I choose to joy.

I choose THIS moment. And in this moment… all is well.

Here are my moments:

Paxton got a haircut.


Chance quietly staring out our backdoor while in his Spiderman costume.

Chance’s schools’ Mother’s Day Dance.

Pax & Mommy Wrestling Time.

Today… I celebrate family.
How do YOU celebrate?

Brian and Dad got in and had TWELVE people from Paseo help them unload on Thursday evening. Seriously… TWELVE. That’s amazing.

Mikey, the boys and I got in on Friday afternoon and immediately got to work unpacking all the boxes that were stacked high and wide. On top of all that, our Paseo family had stocked us up with food. And when I say “stocked up”… I mean we probably don’t need to get groceries for a month. Well… maybe we do for fresh fruits and veges. I am SO humbled by everyone’s generosity and how quickly they’ve received us as one of theirs. They even threw us a party on Sunday night.

Mikey and Dad left El Paso for home yesterday (Tuesday) morning, but by then, almost everything was unpacked. Brian and I finished the rest last night and this morning. We also got snow here last night. We must have brought it in from Portland. I was kind of hoping Mikey and Dad would get snowed in. Okay. Kinda not “hoping” as much as PRAYING.

Anyway. I’m pretty exhausted. I’m not really sure what I typed out above even makes any sense… but we finally got our internet installed yesterday evening so I’m gonna update you because I can now.

Here are the photos of our little humble abode:

To the left you’ll see our kitchen & laundry nook. On the right is our front door entryway.

Our Kitchen.

Living Room… with some of the living.

Dining Room.

From the corner of the Living Room… and my favorite seat in the apartment.

Master Bedroom/Office.

Chance & Paxton’s Bedroom.

Pax started following me around… and took his clothes off. Obviously.

The boys’ closet is awesomely huge, so we used it as their playroom since our living room doesn’t really have the space. It’s pretty fun seeing them sitting and playing in the closet.

And… the bathroom.

And that concludes the tour.

I’ll be back in a few days to post more… but for now, I’m gonna take a break from all extra things and focus on getting my family acclimated to our new home and surroundings. Please continue praying for us in our transition.

Now you… fill me in…
What’s been going on with you the last month?

We move in 21 days. My to-do list is my constant right now:

1. Sell Washer & Dryer
2. Sell VHS movies
3. Shred unnecessary documents
4. Take Christmas decorations down
5. Move Patio furniture into garage, clean and store
6. Clean outside fridge
7. Pack books into boxes
8. Pack up winter jackets (minus one)
9. Pack up Chance’s 4T clothes for storage
10. Organize garage for truck packing strategy.
11. Disassemble bookshelves & bundle for move
12. Pack up desk contents
13. Pack up Mac
14. Disassemble Jenni’s desk & bundle
15. Take down wall hangings, wrap and pack
16. Patch up walls & match paint.
17. Purchase moving paper & plastic protective wrap
18. Reserve moving truck & trailer for Durango
19. Inventory what gets packed into the Durango
20. Write two newsletter updates for January
21. Clean out closets for Goodwill
22. Organize scrapbooking stuff
23. Sort and pack up least used clothing
24. Pack Brian’s computer
25. Disassemble Brian’s desk & bundle
26. Pack up bathrooms
27. Pack up kid’s toys
28. Pack up linen closet
29. Pack up music
30. Pack up entertainment unit
31. Pack up kitchen
32. Pack a weeks worth of clothing and toiletries in suitcases
33. Recruit moving team to pack up truck
34. Pray while accomplishing every one of these tasks
35. Love on my family
36. Nail down housing in El Paso, Texas

Thank you all for praying. Here’s another list to pray through. I’m pretty good at getting the job done… I already have a good amount of the list crossed off so we’re ahead of the timeline so far.

Anyone in Portland wanna help me with #33?

• The first decade since meeting Brian.
• The first decade living in Portland.
• My first year being fully comfortable in my own skin.
• Hearing God’s calling & packing for a 1,800 mile move in result to the call.
• My first FULL year of loving and trusting in Brian & allowing myself to be loved BY him back.
• Drastically cutting back our cost of living.
• Actually walking life WITH God instead of away from Him.
• The first time I’ve learned to receive in a healthy way so that I can GIVE better.
• Realizing how deeply in love I am with my in-laws.
• Having international house guests for 2 months and STILL wishing they never left us.
• Adding a sister in my life that I want by my side forever.
• Renewing my marriage vows… and MEANING them this time. UNFORGETTABLE!!!
• Learning how to mourn losses in a healthy way.
• Laughing from the depths of my heart & soul.
• Witnessing my baby sister marry the PERFECT man for her.
• My firstborn entering into half-day Kindergarten.
• Watching my other little sister turn 3 decades old and Chance turn half a decade.
• Listening to my two-year-old, Paxton, speak in sentence form.
• Realizing my favorite place to be is at home with my family.

It’s been a great year. A year of stretching and a year of growth. I’m not only experiencing the most peace ever in my whole life, but I’m living in full joy. I’m not saying I don’t have worrisome or blue moments… in fact, I’ve struggled with depression this year… but there is a HUGE difference between feeling happiness and experiencing joy. God never promised us happiness on Earth, but He has offered us joy. Even in our pain. And I’m thankful for every growing pain. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

We, the Clayville Clan, hope you the most joyous New Year. Thank you so much for being a part of the community here at JenniClayville.com… for being a part of MY community. I’m thankful for you.

Now I leave you with my most recent joyful AND happy moment:

Happy New Year, everyone!

Your turn:
Your top 3-5 favorite firsts of 2010
AND
What’s up for 2011?

She’s been with us for TEN years… since Brian and my first Christmas together.

Dear Christmas Angel… thanks for all the good times. For watching over us and keeping us *somewhat* safe all these years. But it was obvious it was time for you to go back to worshiping God in Heaven. We replaced you with a unbreakable $12 star. It’s not the same, but it’ll last us through the next few toddler years. We’ll miss you. ~ Love, Brian & Jenni

Christmas is my favorite holiday. Everything about it sings “JOY”. But in all honesty… it’s a mixed bag for me.

I celebrate and practice new traditions we have created as a family unit. I love watching my boys eyes light up at the sight of the Christmas tree. I love listening to my husband talk to my boys about the TRUE reason for this season. I am delighted at what we, as a family, have become. I soak in the blessing of being a wife to an amazingly loving and handsome man and a mother to two very smart and vivacious boys.

So how is it possible to be sad in those same moments?

I’m saddened that my mother has chosen not to be a part of our lives. I mourn the lost Christmases of my childhood… what it COULD have been. I remember and regret the 3 Christmases I stole from my husband and first-born son in my narcissistic selfishness. I feel the loss of friends that are no longer friends because they believe I don’t deserve grace or second chances.

I think feeling both good and bad is actually good. We have to know we are only getting filled to be emptied again. I’m still working on recognizing that consistently. What’s good in all this reflection is that in my very real and fleshly confliction, I’m reminded that I am exactly WHY God sent Jesus here so many years ago. JESUS, the manger King, who came to save and reclaim the lost. He came for YOU AND ME.

The people Jesus rebuked were not “those people” we don’t want to be associated with. The ones my Jesus rebuked were the Pharisaical judgers, the ones who claimed there’s only enough Heavenly real estate for the law followers. Do not be worried about what THOSE people think of you, my friend, because they will lose their crowns soon enough (just like my poor angel).

But in this season, dine with who Jesus dined with: prostitutes, the sick, the homeless, the lonely, the adulterers/adulteresses, the thieves, the poor, the forgotten, the broken… the repentant sinner. Because this is where you will reclaim your crown.

Stepping off the soapbox now.

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all of you!!!
… even to you Pharisees.