What Do YOU Wanna Know?
I’ve been taking a bit of a “sabbatical” from writing anything that takes brain power.
Of course, I’ve been posting photos, videos and family things just to stay on top of being our “family historian”. Don’t wanna lose the timeline of when things happen, right?
Anyway… I’m curious…
What do YOU want to see me write about?
Our Story (Part Four)
We shared our story with our church.
Our church wept with us. Our church celebrated our choice to fight the odds. We were prayed over, accepted, embraced and supported. We partially expected judgement, but instead, we received grace.
Brian and I were blown away by the amazing response.
We’ve experienced a death. A death in our old marriage. Our counselor wisely said, “I know you guys aren’t looking at divorce as an option, but a divorce MUST happen. You must divorce your old marriage and start new.” We still have bad days… this isn’t magic, but I can honestly say that we have WAY more good days than we ever had… even before the affair.
You may be wondering why I decided to “come out” with my secret. After all… no one would have ever known. You’re right. But God knew… and I knew. Not only was I NOT immune to an affair, but I was VERY capable of one. I really had to destroy any and ALL chances of this ever happening again. This was how. God’s desire for us is to live in truth… in the light. Nothing that lives in darkness can survive.
“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” ~Matthew 23:27
I was destroying myself with my secret. It was time to clean the tomb out. Besides, I didn’t need a tomb because Christ offers LIFE that’s eternal.
I’d like to say that this story has a fairy tale ending… a “Happily Ever After.” However, it’s more like a “Once upon a time…”
Even though there is still hurt and pain swirling around us, we knew it was time to break the lineage to generational sin. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me in revealing my ugly truth, but I knew I needed to FINALLY obey God, no matter the cost to me.
I can actually SEE God blessing our family because of our obedience. Brian and I are closer than we’ve ever been… EVER. We’ve been married since 2001. I’m not saying life is perfect or that we don’t fall into some of our old patterns, but OVERALL, I have never experienced life, love or joy like this.
It’s going to continually be up and down for us… but I KNOW I’m truly, honestly living an authentic life with no secrets holding me down.
God is healing Brian.
God is redeeming me.
God is restoring us to something greater than it ever was before.
Besides experiencing a REAL marriage and life with Brian, the best of all this is how deeply I’ve found myself falling for Jesus. I’ll be honest… I don’t always invite him into every part of my day. I sometimes feel like I need to protect JESUS from my dysfunction – as if Jesus needs to be protected from anything, but the good thing is I’m inviting him in more and more… and he is cleaning house!
In all of this, I no longer question if I married the “right” man. I now know, the “deep” feelings I had for that other man, though it felt VERY real at the time, was really just my projected need to be loved and desired. Brian has stepped up and become that. Or… maybe he’s been that the whole time, but I just didn’t let him in.
Brian KNOWS my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
Brian finishes my sentences.
Brian knows my thoughts just by looking at me.
Brian pursues me.
But GOD gives me confidence in all of this. Confidence in Brian.
We are very much still in the healing process and we have only made it to this point by the grace of God and the constant, unrelenting prayers of our friends and family.
“But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the doors of the jail and brought them out. “Go, stand in the temple courts,” he said, “and tell the people the full message of this new life.”
~ Acts 5:19-21
We’re hoping that by us sharing our story WHILE we’re in the midst of healing, that you can see the hope that is Christ Jesus. We hope you can see redemption is real and very possible for all of us no matter how ugly the sin looks. Our desire is you will stop hiding…
Believe it or not… you’re not alone.
You’re FAR from being alone.
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To read OUR STORY from beginning to end:
Our Story (Part Three)
Guest posted by: Brian Clayville
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The very thought of this was overwhelmingly humiliating for both of us. Jenni had just conquered several years worth of fear by telling me her most painful secret and now a week later, I was asking her to expose this ugliness to all those closest to us. She shut down in fear…
… but not for long.
Within 24 hours, Jenni did as I asked. Our Pastor and his wife, Matt & Cindy, were at our house the next night. Jenni shared her story boldly, even though she knew she could lose her job as the Worship Pastor at Church at Bethany. This was a big deal because we really needed this income. Our fear was quickly quieted and Jenni’s willingness to be honest was embraced. Matt and Cindy were gracious, forgiving and supportive. Not only did they choose to keep Jenni on staff, but they really helped us in many ways through our healing process. I can’t say many people in church leadership are like this.
Over the next few days, Jenni called our closest friends… the ones she had lied to and confessed her story. One of her first calls was to the wife of the man she had the affair with. That’s a whole different story, but I can tell you that she forgave Jenni and they are actively working through an amazing restoration in their friendship. The reaction from the rest of our friends and family were varied but most were very forgiving and full of grace. I was and still am so proud of her for being willing to risk so much and to be so vulnerable.
The months following didn’t get any easier. I guess you can say I was going through the grieving process. I pulled back from life. Several times, I wanted to give up on our marriage and just escape the pain. Maybe a handful of people checked in on me or called to encourage me… but this was rare. I’m not saying this is their fault, but the reality is people didn’t know what to do or what to say, so they just did nothing. Jenni and I had counseling but that was only an hour every week.
I felt abandoned.
The worst part was how distant I felt from God. I withdrew from Him just as I did from most people in my life. He felt so distant and irrelevant to me that I could not bring myself to pray or seek him with any consistency.
Finally, in mid-August, I knew it was time to stop focusing on my pain. It was MY turn to heal. It was time to come out of this desert. I asked God to use my horrible reality for his Glory. It was not clear to me what that meant or how I would do it, but I MADE that decision.
Jenni arranged a last minute trip to my parents’ house in La Grande. We spent a lot of time praying, being quiet and just BEING together. I found God again… right where I had left him. This weekend away became an instrumental time for our marriage. We were healing. Not just the pretend-stuff-it-under-the-rug “healing”… but we were falling in love again. Me and God… and me and Jenni.
We came home with a new hope, a new goal and a new future. We were like newlyweds. Everything was actually good, which was amazing because there was a time when I truly wondered if anything would ever be “good” again. My marriage was… no… is GREAT!
This was when God decided to do as I had asked – use my horrible reality for His Glory. In my quiet time with God, He spoke:
“It’s time for you to share your story…”
“WHAT??? Jen will NEVER go with this! She had a hard enough time telling those closest to us!” I argued back. But God was going before us in a way I had never imagined.
Jenni came home from her staff meeting that day and said, “Matt wants us to share our story at church… and I think it’s time.”
We knew this was God ordained. We knew it was time to finally obey God completely with our marriage. We were scared spitless. EVERYONE was going to know. EVERYONE was going to judge us… judge Jenni…
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Read Our Story in order here:
Our Story (Part Two)
Brian, my better half, is going to “guest-blog” and write the next two parts of our story:
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When Jenni broke the news to me, I was devastated to say the least.
I went and stayed with my friend, Todd, who had recently been through some hard times of his own. For the next few days, Todd gave me a safe place to talk, pray and have a quiet place to rest.
He listened to my story.
He comforted me.
He gave me space to process.
In my own reflection, I felt like such a small man. I had been too weak to confront issues that had obviously been inappropriate. Why had I not set stronger boundaries… been more protective and jealous? How could I have not seen this happening with my wife? After all… this was MY WIFE.
The next few weeks were an emotional roller coaster. There were days, I totally blamed Jenni and the other man (who was my friend). ”How could they have done this to me?” Those days, I just wanted a divorce because I thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore. However, there were also days where I just celebrated the fact that Jenni had finally been truthful with me. Though the news was devastating, she ultimately chose to honor me… risking everything by telling me about her affair.
I realized that I had come very close to losing the love of my life.
You see, Jenni grew up in an emotionally abusive home and had a lot of emotional scars that needed to heal. This didn’t stop at childhood. I have actually witnessed this during the time of our marriage. My wife had been walking on eggshells for 30 years. This caused her to build walls around herself for protection. She was ready for conflict at all times… even if she didn’t need to be. She NEVER felt safe, protected, or truly loved unconditionally. I didn’t know how to provide all she needed. Nor was I capable at that time.
Todd challenged me to stay by her and love her through the process. He reminded me that my boys needed a father AND mother working together to be Godly role models. That’s when I finally made the decision:
I wanted to make our marriage work.
The work of processing through where I had failed in our marriage looked me straight in the eyes. What I saw in myself was revealing and uncomfortable.
I rarely ever pursued Jenni.
I avoided anything that felt like conflict with her.
I never attempted heart felt communication with her.
I was not jealous enough as a husband and best friend to seek her full attention.
By not saying anything, I told Jenni she didn’t matter enough to me for me to fight for her. I didn’t protect her OR cherish her. Though she was the one who chose to splinter from our marriage vows, I knew I too was responsible for the breakdown of our marriage.
But the more I thought about this three year secret that had just surfaced, the more I realized I wasn’t the only person Jenni had hidden this part of her life from. For lack of better words, Jenni had lied to many of our close friends and family too. I asked her if she would go and tell them the truth.
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Our Story – Part One
For The Broken
Brian and I have gone public with our story, but we realize that not everyone likes to sit and listen to a podcast. So, we’ve decided to just write it down here.
We’re writing it for our records… for our healing… but we’re also writing it for you.
We don’t claim to be marriage counselors or relationship experts by any means. Heck, we’re still figuring out new things about each other on a daily basis. But we want to do this… because while we were in the midst of our darkest moments, the moments we thought our marriage was not going to make it, we felt completely alone. However, even though we FELT that way… the truth is, we weren’t.
Our hope is that where-ever YOU may be, even though you FEEL like it, you will know are NOT alone.
“Our Story” series will begin on Tuesday. We hope you will join us in praying:
- ** for the many out there who are still trapped in darkness.
- ** for the ones who are listening to the lie that they can never be forgiven.
- ** for the ones who think they are broken beyond repair.
- ** for the ones who really believe they are worthless.
- ** for the ones who have given up hope.
Here we are… a month after and really, we’re just starting to realize our story has very little to do with us… and much more to do with WHO God is in all of this. Jesus didn’t come for the well… he came for the broken.
He came for me…
…and he came for YOU.
He’s HERE for you.
My thirty-FIRST Birthday
Today, I am 31 years old.
When I was little, I thought 31 was old… like REALLY old.
I thought that by 31 I would DEFINITELY have it all together.
Well… here I am. Too old to be in love with Zac Efron and too young to get a face-lift.
And seeing that I only have one living grandparent left, I think I can safely guess that genetics would say my life is already half over.
But you know what?
… Thirty-ONE is a great number.
It took me 30 years to get to the point of complete honesty with myself.
It took 30 years to fall completely broken on my face.
It took 30 years to realize the walls I had built around me were suffocating me.
It took 30 years to finally set up appropriate boundaries of protection.
It took 30 years to experience what grace really is.
It took 30 years to see that love was real… even for me.
Today is my thirty-FIRST birthday.
My first year to fall in love everyday with my husband.
My first year to love those around me UNCONDITIONALLY.
My first year to extend the grace of God that is for EVERYONE.
My first year living with no hidden secrets.
My first year being 100% available to my children.
My first year being whole.
It’s my FIRST year. My life is only beginning.
God is in the business of restoring lives. This is the first year I’ll fully experience it.
Guess what???
Today’s the first day of the rest of YOUR life too!!!
My Pool (Part Four)
After almost two years, the affair ended… as all do in one way or another. And there I was: alone with my thoughts.. I had been treading for almost 30 years in very murky, polluted waters.
All I ever wanted was to matter.
I wanted to be LOVED by someone…
I wanted to be GREAT at something…
I wanted to be REMEMBERED when I was gone…
And the truth was… I had MADE it. By the age of 30 I had attained everything I ever set out to acquire. So why did I feel like such a nobody?
My relationship with God was starting to pick up again. This was good except He wanted to heal me. The NERVE, right? He was starting to reveal root issues I had buried so deeply, I wasn’t even aware they existed. These were things I wasn’t ready to face.
My life was a swimming pool FULL of trash. God was helping me bring all of my rubbish to the surface, but it was up to me whether I wanted to use my net to fish it out. I knew if I were to grab the net, I would have to really look at the trash before I could destroy it once and for all. It was much easier to just push everything back down and just never swim in the pool.
On the outside, my life still looked fine. I accepted a new position at Church at Bethany as the Worship Pastor. Brian and I got pregnant and birthed another healthy little boy, Paxton. Chance started his first year of preschool. I was happy… but I should have been ecstatic about my life. My secrets were eating me alive. I was missing out on my OWN life and couldn’t recognize it.
You see… my pool wasn’t only for me. Brian, Chance, Paxton, our family, and all our friends were gathered around it… just waiting for me to give them the “ok” to jump in and play. And man, did they want to play… it’s always a hot day around here. But my pool was polluted and not safe for anyone to swim in.
It was time to clean my pool.
I told Brian about my affair, and the following 5 months were beyond painful. My pool had been stirred and now the waters looked murkier. I didn’t know if we were going to make it. By the looks of it, this mess was getting worse. This was NOT what I had signed up for.
As I was “fishing”, I began to get really angry. I noticed that though most of the trash was tossed in by ME, a LOT of it was from other people. However, I had a choice: to place blame and wait for “them” to come clean up their litter, or just take ownership and clean the parts that affected me. I was mourning some deep, deep issues for the first time. It hurt… but it was good..
While God was re-surfacing all my trash, and I was obediently fishing each and every item out one-by-one… my friends and loved ones had put a brand new filter in my pool. I didn’t know it at the time, but the friends and family we had told were intercessing on our behalf. They were helping me clean my pool without me even asking.
** Thank you, my dear friends. Even now, as I write this, I sit… tearfully and humbly thankful to each and every one of you. Thank you. **
My focus was tightly wrapped up in the rubbish I was taking out. I mourned each and every re-surfaced piece of trash I once treasured. I was permanently destroying the remnants of my garbage in a huge bonfire… when one day, Brian and I looked in and noticed the most amazing sight. Not only were the waters clean, but the once cluttered pool bottom was now cleared of ALL debris. And there stood Jesus, inviting us in with some floaty recliners and margaritas, complete with those cute little drink umbrellas made by underaged and underpaid third world children (you still there? just checkin’ to see if you’re still reading).
Friends… all of us have a pool. And if we don’t tend to it, it will become polluted and dirty, rendering it completely useless. I also want to reiterate that I didn’t do this alone. Christ was there, Brian was there, and friends were there.
This can’t happen overnight. It’s really grueling work that seems hopeless and never-ending at times. You don’t have to do it alone… but to get help, you need to be willing to show others how dirty your pool really is. I, for one, promise to help get you a filter for your pool if you tell me you need one.
I’m not saying my pool will be clean forever. Occasionally, trash will drift in and the water will get stagnant. I know Brian and I will need to drain the pool at times in our next 70+ years together and put fresh water in… but it sure is a lot easier to upkeep when we don’t let it build up.
What’s in your pool?
Isn’t it time to go swimming with all your loved ones?
I think so, friends… I think so.
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To read the whole series:
Part One: In My Daddy’s Lap
Part Two: Floater
Part Three: My Empire
My Empire (Part Three)
My empire came soon enough.
I moved to Portland, Oregon.
I met and married Brian.
I finished college at George Fox University with a 3.96 GPA (Social & Behavioral Sciences).
I was a full-time Worship Pastor for Students.
I oversaw a ministry leadership team of 50+.
I conquered a 3-year battle with “infertility” and had Chance.
I, I, I… me, me, me… I had more than I would ever need. But it wasn’t enough. I ALWAYS had to be better… I always wanted more.
To be honest, I never TRULY thought I was “all that”. In fact, I was certain I was nothing… but I gave everyone around me the appearance that I had “arrived”. If I wasn’t the best… you bet I worked day & night till I was. If I knew I couldn’t be “better” than you in “that”, I made sure I was better than you in something else. I thrived on hearing those words, “Jenni is SO good at ______.” I had EVERYTHING to prove.
… and everything to lose.
To the public, Brian and I were the couple that had it all. We had the big house, the thriving ministry, the coolest friends, the cutest, most well-behaved baby… blah blah blah. But what was REALLY happening behind the scenes? I was a ticking time-bomb.
My worship band was being asked to play extra gigs. We had two recording projects under our belt. I was stealing time away from my family to “DO MORE” for Ministry. This made me feel important… after all, I was doing all this for God, right? In “doing more”, all I was really doing was becoming less. I was burning out.
I left Student Ministries. I was aware enough to know I had lost myself in all of this… but I had NO idea where to start looking for me.
About this same time, we started losing all our “stuff“. I no longer working. Brian’s business was no longer flourishing. We couldn’t keep up with our house payments. We already lost one of our cars to the “repo-man”, and we were in the process of losing our house.
Brian barely had ANY of my time, and when we DID have a “date night”, I was distracted, to say the least. Brian and I rarely talked, but when we DID talk, it often ended in a disagreement. The disagreement would end with me EXPLODING on him. This made it impossible for Brian to EVER want to pursue or be open with me.
I didn’t see it then, but I had become my Mother. I made Brian walk on eggshells. If we’re gonna REALLY be honest, I was just WAITING to see how far I could push Brian till he left me.
He didn’t.
That’s when I did the unthinkable. I dove head-first into an affair. The seven-year-old side of me thought I had finally found someone who really loved me and would pursue me. Finally. But the 28-year old side of me was ready to demolish my beautiful life… every blessing God had ever given me to show His love for me. I was about to ruin everything I had ever worked and hoped for because deep down, I didn’t believe I deserved any of it.
I was destroying my Empire with my own two hands…
(to be continued – stay tuned for the LAST of this series)
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Part One: In My Daddy’s Lap
Part Two: Floater
Floater (Part Two)
My parents’ divorce was finalized before I started Middle School.
My Mother sold our house in Seattle and bought a new one in Bellevue (45 minute distance between these two homes). She said the schools were better there so that’s why we were moving.
The next seven years consisted of my Mother transferring me through three different schools: public, private, then public again. Each time, I saw the same thing: groups of friends that have been friends since childhood. I was always the “new” girl and never found “my group”. I wouldn’t say I didn’t have friends… I actually had many friends… but no close friends.
I was a floater…
You see, growing up wasn’t easy for me. We weren’t “well-to-do” but my Mother ALWAYS provided clean clothes, shelter and plenty of food. We NEVER missed a meal and we even got to go on vacations every now and then. But that’s not all a kid needs for healthy growth.
My Mother was way too tapped out to spend quality time with any of us. She was tired all the time, never getting any breaks. She was gone by the time we got up in the morning for school (and I had cheer practice at zero period = 6:30am) and was home after 6pm.
But I had a lot of questions… overwhelming uncertainties. Lots of changes happen for a girl between the ages of 12 and 18. I needed my Mom to speak God’s purpose into me. I needed to hear that even my dreams were limitless. I needed to see that there was grace in mistakes and that mistakes are needed to help us grow. I wanted to be pretty… to be pursued… I needed to matter to someone. I needed to be significant.
However, I didn’t find any of this with my Mother.
Every question I ever asked would be quickly dismissed as “stupid”.
Every disagreement… I was “stubborn”.
Every expressed desire… “selfish”
Every time I had a crush or my heart was broken… “waste of time”
Every pursuit to enhance how I looked… “ugly”
Nothing I ever did was good enough. If I brought home an A-, “Why didn’t you get an A?”
Every thought I ever shared with her would always land us in a full out fight. I shouldn’t say “fight” because, oh… I never fought back. That would mean death… or at least a few good slaps in the face. Instead, I should say it was a “high tension lecture” that ended me with my tail between my legs. It wasn’t safe for me to express anything.
Consciously, I knew I needed companionship and couldn’t do life alone… but subconsciously, I believed I was destined to be alone. I believed if I ever cared about anyone deep enough or long enough, they would eventually leave me… just like my Dad did physically, and how my Mom did emotionally.
I was a floater… in my own home.
I realized if I was going to survive, and I was GOING to, I had to do it myself. I didn’t trust my Mother. I didn’t trust my family. I didn’t trust my friends. Controlling myself and the things around me became my obsession.
I didn’t have anyone… so I found protection within the four walls of building significance for myself.
“I will make myself into somebody! I will make myself irreplaceable!”
… so began the building of my fortress… my empire….
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Part One – “In My Daddy’s Lap”
In My Daddy’s Lap (Part One)
My parents divorced when I was seven.
Wait… actually… I have no idea WHEN they divorced. The accurate statement would be… the announcement of the divorce happened when I was seven.
My childhood before seven was somewhat innocently happy. I remember Dad teaching me how to play “cat’s cradle“ and Mom bringing home the most amazing birthday cakes. But what’s interesting is, I don’t remember much of anything about my family life between the ages of seven and twelve. I have NO MEMORIES of home life in that 5 year life span.
Uh… therapy anyone? Yeah… don’t worry… I’m on that like a fat kid on a box of ding-dongs.
Let’s back up a bit: The day my mother told us they were divorcing, I remember feeling EXTREMELY confused.
I was old enough to know what “divorce” meant, but I never heard OR saw my parents fight. Heck… I barely remembered ever seeing them talk. I never thought the divorce was my fault, but I didn’t know WHY they needed a divorce since everything seemed “fine”. What confused me even more was why my Mom pulled us three girls into my bedroom to tell us ALONE when my Dad was sitting right in the living room watching football. ”Isn’t this something they should be doing together?” I kept asking myself.
It felt like an hour had passed in that room. I didn’t hear a thing that was said. I remember my sister, Renee, crying and my baby sister, Helen, crawling all over the place. That baby had no clue our world was about to drastically change. All I wanted to do was get OUT of that room and jump into my Dad’s lap.
Once the “meeting” was over… I did just that.
My sister, Renee, and I ran and jumped into my Dad’s lap. I remember Renee asking him,
“Why, Daddy?… WHY? Why are you leaving us?”
Then I heard the words I would never forget:
“Because this is what your Mom wants.”
Then, the unimaginable happened. My Dad broke down and cried…
I had NEVER seen my Dad cry. NEVER…
in the center of the couch of our family room…
with football television as a faint background noise…
we sat…
weeping…
in my father’s lap for the very last time.
Something inside me died that day.
At age seven, sitting there for the last time ever in my Daddy’s lap, I made my first lifetime decision:
I was NEVER going to let anyone make decisions like this for me.
NO ONE would ever make me cry again.
And this ONE single decision ruled my life for the next 23 years…
Cabbage Patch Doll
I was 5 years old, in Kindergarten, when I really started to notice how different I was. I guess it didn’t help that I was JUST starting to get the hang of the English language, but I noticed how quickly and easily everyone befriended each other.
Everyone, but me…
As a child, I didn’t understand that it was because it was hard to communicate with me… I just thought it was because I didn’t have the same stuff they had.
Everyone had blonde hair, blue eyes… maybe even a sprinkle here and there of a gorgeous brunette or a cutie patootie freckled red-head. Everyone was unmistakably “normal”. Me? I had a homemade Asian bowl-cut hairstyle.
I was HONG-KONG-A-FIDE! (I don’t know what that means… just go with it)
It was about this time that “Show and Tell” was popular. Every little girl seemed to have a new Cabbage Patch Dolls.
Since I was already overly aware I didn’t fit in, my 5 year-old mind told me, “If you have a Cabbage Patch Doll, you’ll be like everyone else.”
I begged my parents. I mean BEGGED!!! But the same answer came out of their mouths as usual.
“We just don’t have the extra money.”
I was devastated. I hated being me.
Fast forward to first grade. It’s my birthday. HUGE package. ”I bet it’s more clothes.” I opened the package.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! It’s a Cabbage Patch Doll!!!” No… really… I screamed. I remember this.
I was FINALLY going to be “normal”. I was finally going to fit in and not feel so alone. I was finally like EVERYONE ELSE!!!
Imagine my devastation when I brought my little “ticket-to-normalcy” to school and discovered I was still the same me as the many days before. The one thing I was certain would make me somebody, only made me feel more like an absolute NOBODY. I was STILL the kid with the Hong Kong bowl-cut. I was still “not-the-norm”.
How often do I try harder than I need, to be “the norm” when what God’s desire is for me is to be genuinely, authentically ME?
Today… I’m grateful I am different. Today… I’m thankful my story is not like everyone else’s. I’m ecstatic that Brian & My Story isn’t going to be like everyone else’s. God didn’t create us to be “normal”… He created us to be UNIQUE and completely pleasing to Him.
Nothing I own defines me.
Nothing I know defines me.
No one I know defines me.
Only GOD defines me.
My Cabbage Patch Doll was a lie. A lie I believed would make me important, when what it really was… was an idol.
What’s YOUR Cabbage Patch Doll?
Are you ready to get rid of it with me?
Worship Confessional – 09.20.09 – “SIN”
Today was a BIG day for us.
We had been asking for prayer because we, Brian and I, were sharing our story.
The Sunday Setlist today was:
- Not To Us – Chris Tomlin
- O Praise Him – David Crowder
- O Worship The King – Chris Tomlin Version
- Mighty To Save – Reuben Morgan (Response)
As you can see, we only had three songs (the 4th was in video form at the very end of the service)… because the sermon and our story took the majority of the service. I usually write about our sets and how the musical/technical portion of our services went in these Worship Confessionals, but today, it’s just MY CONFESSIONAL.
I want to encourage you guys to listen to the complete podcast of the sermon HERE on the Church at Bethany website , but we thought we would post JUST our portion here. It’s about 20 minutes, so get a drink and get comfortable:
Click here to listen to Our Story.
Though the majority of our support encouraged us and helped propel us forward to share our story, a couple of people tried to talk us out of it. We know that they were mostly worried for us and were trying to protect us, but in hindsight, we can see that it was Satan using them to try to keep us from sharing what he would have rather kept trapped in the dark. We say “in hindsight” because today was INCREDIBLY powerful. In fact, barely any of it was about us.
Yes, we shared OUR story of sin, forgiveness, hope and redemption… but what it really did, was allow people to realize the freedom they had in releasing their demons.
We discovered OUR story was not only OUR story, but so many others. We had a few couples tell us we basically just told THEIR story. I never thought God would use OUR story to help release others into the light… into HIS Truth.
Brian and I are SO glad we obeyed. We put our fear to the side, ignoring Satan’s whispers to hide. This morning was about SO much more than us.
God is in the business of restoration and healing.
Please continue to pray for our healing… and all those who stepped out of the darkness today. This is our “Once upon a time…”
Humbly in the Process of Restoration,
P.S. Yes… I still have my job as the Worship Pastor at Church at Bethany. They have graciously been walking Brian and me through our healing process.
9/11 – I Will Never Forget
I got up at 6:50am, after I had snoozed my alarm… TWICE… and went about my normal morning routine: showered, dressed, grabbed a quick breakfast and hopped in the car to head downtown for work.
“Ugh… I hope I’m not late again!”
Turned the key to the ignition… car roared to life… and morning talk radio blasted my ears.
“Man… I must have been listening to my music WAY too loud last night.”
As I turned the volume down, I thought to myself, “Wait… I wasn’t listening to talk radio last night!”
I tuned in:
“A 747 has flown into the World Trade Center in New York City!”
This can’t be happening. This has to be a joke!
I drove all the way downtown to the radio station (KUPL fm - where I worked at the time) trying not to panic. Everyone else looked completely calm in their vehicles. “Am I the only one hearing this? Why is everyone else totally unfazed?”
Upon arrival, I saw all the staff members gathered in the conference room where the television was. This really happened. This isn’t a joke. This is FOR REAL?
That’s where we sat… numb… for the next few hours.
I will NEVER forget where I was the morning of 9/11. I will never forget what was lost.
ABC’S Embellished
I got this off of Tam. Thought to myself: ”Why not!”
—-
A – Age: 30
B – Baseball Game or Ballet: Ballet
C – Chore you hate: Tubs – It’s awkward.
D – Dream Vacation: Hawaii – Maui or Oahu
E – Easter candy: Cadbury Creme Egg
F – Favorite Flowers: Gerber Daisies
G – Games: anything I can win at… cuz that’s ALL that matters
H – Height: 5′ 2… on a good day
I – Instrument you play: piano, guitar, bass & vocal chords… OH, and the nose whistle!
J – Job title: Worship Pastor & CEO of my home
K – Kindergarten Memory: eating paste… and not really speaking English then
L – Luxury you live without: a pool boy… cuz we don’t have a pool
M – Mexican food choice: Mmmm… it’s ALL good
N – Nickname: JClay, Jen, Hey Asian…
O – Overnight hospital stay: twice – just when I birthed my babies
P – Pet Peeve: there are too many to count.
Q – Quotes you like: “What’s the Soup Du Jour?” “The Soup of the Day” “Mmmm, that sounds good… I’ll have that!” – Dumb & Dumber
R – Rainforest or Redwoods: Redwoods
S – Siblings: 2 sisters. Renee who is 28 & Helen who is 24. I’m the oldest… does it all make sense now?
T – Television favorites: The Office, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice & 24.
U – Ultimate dessert: Fresh baked cookies & Ice Cream
V – Vegetable you dislike: Bitter melon. You’ve probably never heard of it unless you’re Asian… but it’s EXACTLY how it sounds. NASTY!!!
W – Ways you run late: Didn’t used to run late till Chance came along.
X – X-rays you’ve had: Knees & Teeth
Y – Yummy food you make: Roasted Chicken & Orzo Stuffed Peppers
Z – Zoo animal that’s your favorite: monkeys! (totally with you on this Bub & Tam)
—-
Do this if you’d like… I’d love to see your answers!
Barefoot Photography
My friend, Kimberly, recently helped me out with a mini-session.
I don’t have a lot of GOOD photos of myself (mostly because Chance takes all my portraits for me and most of them are of me driving… hmmm) and I needed some for when I launch the new look of my blog. Kimberly went above and BEYOND my expectations.
Here’s just ONE photo I stole from her blog site:
You’ll have to wait for when my blog is re-vamped to see more… but for now, here’s a sneak peak of a few!
If you’re in the Portland area, I would highly suggest you check her out for newborn, baby, family, engagement photos. She also does some KICK BOOTY “trash the dress” sessions for post weddings. If you don’t know what that is, you’ll have to ask Kimberly.
She’s FANTASTIC!!! Thank you, Kimberly!
Song About ME
My friend, David, and his wife, Diane, over in Australia, compiled my most interesting tweets and wrote a song for me… well… ABOUT me.
You can hear it HERE.
Here are the lyrics:
I gave up on the idea of sleeping
Cos everyone is snoring and I’ve been weeping
The ear plugs I like they’re no longer making
I’m telling my friends to go to work nakedOh what is wrong with me?
Don’t answer that cos it’s obviously just me(Jenni, Jenni) I tell my friends they suck
(Jenni, Jenni) And they should just shut up
(Jenni, Jenni) While I joke about your mom
(Jenni, Jenni) It’s just me here spreading the loveSo don’t make me laugh when I am driving
Cos my eyes shut and we’ll soon be dying
At least that will stop the hyenas fighting
And adenoid removal is so invitingI think today is just for me
But don’t tell Chance ‘cause he’s pumpin’ a grumpy at me
They made me an album cover and everything!!!
This makes my day SO much better 
It makes me wanna dance.
Enjoy!!! and don’t forget to tell them how AWESOME they are.
25 Random Things About Me
Ok… ok… I caved.
I wasn’t going to do it, but then Cynthia Ware tweeted the other day that people had started writing hers FOR her and it kinda freaked me out. Then, today, I saw THIS video post by Annie Parsons and thought, “BRILLIANT!!! That’s the format I’m going with!”
The video is almost 7.5 minutes long so grab a snack or drink and let me amuse you for a bit. Here goes:
25 Random Things About Me from Jenni Clayville on Vimeo.
I am NOT tagging anyone… but please amuse me…
You Say…
… ok…
It may be due to my lack of sleep, but I’m at a loss of what to write about anymore… so I’ll ask you.
You say…
… what do you want me to write about in here?
Hello 2009!
I’ve made resolutions or “GOALS” every year… just like the rest of you.
This year – I’m thinking of not making ANY goals.
*cricket*
*cricket*
*cricket*
YAH RIGHT!!! Who are we kidding! I LIVE to accomplish goals… so here goes, in no specific order:
- lose baby weight
- judge less & love more
- keep my children alive one more year (what? it’s legit)
- buy & settle into our next house no later than June
- finish a book every month (it used to be 2 books per month. oh, how life has changed for me)
- start child adoption process
- write more songs
- take more pictures to document our lives
- learn how to better use my Nikon D70
- be more patient
- read through the Bible again
- let God heal my heart instead of trying myself
- intentionally help grow the church
- pray more
- love my husband more
- sing from my heart… not just from my lungs
- get out of debt
- add Paxton’s star to my arm band tattoo
- not seclude myself
- get caught up on scrapbooking (just got an anxiety pang typing that one)
- learn…
I’m sure there’s more… and when I think of them, I’ll add them to the list.
Happy New Year, friends!!! May you be blessed beyond your wildest dreams in 2009.
So, spill it –> What are YOUR top three goals for 2009?
2008 Highlights
This year has FLOWN by. It seems every year flies by faster. Before I know it, I’ll be 29 again.
I received Crystal Renaud’s christmas card the other day and she had an insert in there that highlighted something from every month of this past year. I thought to myself:
“Self… that is GENIUS and you should copy that for a blogpost!”
So, here we are. I’ve linked it all for you in case you want to catch up. Copying the great pinkhairedgirl – My highlights (and maybe lowlights) of every month:
January:
- I started Twittering
- My sister, Renee, got engaged – Jason used Chance as his first clue to the scavenger hunt.
- Wrecked the Volvo on a rainy day
- Went to my last High School Winter Camp as the Worship Pastor at Sunset
- Went snowboarding… a LOT
February:
- GOT PREGNANT
- Saw my old youth pastor, and the pastor who married Brian and me, CHRIS RENZELMAN, at a local Youth Pastors Conference
- Went to my last Middle School Camp at Sunset and almost died there
- Read “The Shack” and loved it.
- Led worship at Sunset’s Women’s Retreat and experienced an epiphany
March:
- Went to L.A. with Brian for his business conference but ended up shopping for wedding stuff with Renee instead
- Went to our annual beach trip with the Jay & Alli McKenney & Scott & Holly Resnick
- The morning sickness began
April:
- Announced my pregnancy
- Worship Team Retreat at the beach
- Cancelled the Mexico Mission Trip for the first time
May:
- Bought Chance his lefty toddler golf clubs
- Moved into our first rental home ever to save money
- Got my 2,000th commenter
- Celebrated Brian and my SEVEN year anniversary
- Showed my little pregnant belly to the world wide web
June:
- Gas prices reached their high. I spent $100 to fill up the Durango once.
- Found out we were having a baby boy
- Potty trained Chance
July:
- Was the Matron of Honor at my sisters wedding
- Took Chance to Disneyland for his first time ever
- Moved from Typepad to Wordpress and LOST all the pictures I’ve ever posted on my blog
- Resigned my position at Sunset and accepted my new position as Worship Pastor at Church! at Bethany
August:
- Took a mini-vacation to LaGrande because I didn’t have a job
- Started working at Church! at Bethany
September:
- Led my first worship service at Church! at Bethany
- Chance turned THREE
- Chance started Preschool
- Celebrated my 30th birthday
- Named Paxton Joel
October:
- Baby showers galore
- Went to the pumpkin patch
- Got a speeding ticket
- Got put on partial bedrest
- Brian and I started VeraSpace with our friends Matt & Jenn Wilson
November:
- BIRTHED PAXTON
- Got evicted for no good reason
- Experienced the most emotional month of my life – had the Baby Blues for a few weeks
- Real friends really popped out of the woodworks this month to help me
- Found our next rental (where we live now)
- Brian’s 34th Birthday
- Thanksgiving
December:
- Chance gave up the binkie
- Chance and Paxton took pictures with Santa
- Started leading worship for LifeGroup Online
- Moved into our new house
- SNOWSTORM – had 3 feet of snow in our driveway
- Wished YOU a Merry Christmas
- Celebrated Christmas
Mommy and Baby Update
Brian again writing on behalf of Jenni:
So Yesterday went perfectly, Jenni was recovering quickly and baby slept most of the day. In the evening he woke up for the last few visitors and was just as happy as a clam. I don’t know why clams are so happy……Anyway, Jenni encouraged me to go home to see Chance and get a good night sleep, so I didn’t argue one bit.
I spent an hour with Chance and helped him get ready for bed. Renee and Jason had taken him to Barnes and Noble after dinner to read some books in the kids area. Normally when we take him, we don’t buy anything but hot chocolate or a cookie. This time he got some cookies and had a great time. When they came home he was so happy and giggly and I just loved on him. Then we took a bath and when we went to his room to get his pj’s on, there was a book on his floor. He was so excited, Jason had surprised him with the book they had been reading at the store. 
I told Chance he could watch a short show and read his book before bed. He was such a good boy it made me very proud.
After Chance went to bed I was able to put a post on my blog and finally send out an email to a few people with pictures. I ended up going to sleep about 11:30 thinking all was well with Mom and Baby. This morning I woke up about 6:15 and decided to check my phone for messages. There was a couple of texts from Jenni that had come in around 1:00am letting me know that she had gotten a bad fever and that Paxton was in the nursery. So much for sleeping in:-( I hurried and took a shower, got dressed and headed back to the hospital.
When I got here Jenni was sleeping and her temp was back down to normal or close. They were concerned about infection and gave her some antibiotics last night which seemed to control the situation. I think she will be fine but she has some bad bruising below her incision. Right after I got here they brought Paxton back to the room and he was sleeping soundly. I just held him and adored him then I got to change a poopy. He woke and was clearly hungry so Mommy is feeding and I am down in the cafeteria doing the update.
Keep praying for speedy recovery, God is good and I know she will be fine. Here are a couple more pics for you. 
Welcoming Baby Paxton!
This will be short since Mom is in recovery and Dad is managing photos and video. We are so thrilled and proud of our newest addition. He is adorable, in our humble opinions.
Paxton First Bath
He weighs 7lbs, 10 Oz’s his length is 19.5 inches and his head was a whopping 14 inches around. Wow, it was so much easier this time around and right on schedule. Jenni is doing great and just now starting to feel her body again. The pain is about to become real for her, fortunately she is tough.
Mommy and Baby
We have a bunch more pictures on Mom’s camera so I will get those on her computer shortly and do another post with the earliest photos of Paxton.
Thank you all for the prayers and thoughts for us during this exciting time.
Brian, Jenni and Paxton
Post-Birthday Post
I have a great birthday celebration. It was small but sweet.
Brian took me to my favorite restaurant, Portland City Grill, and we totally splurged for dinner. Kevin, Brian’s brother, and my two good friends, Rose Braun & Jenn Wilson joined us as well. I’m still surprised by the ridiculous amount of food I took in.
When I came home, these were the messages I got from Facebook.
I feel totally loved. Thanks everyone!
The Big THREE-ZERO!
Today, I left the twenty-something’s club and joined the THIRTIES!!!
I’ve gotten cute comments like, “Happy Birthday, you old fart!” to “Oh, you young ‘un.” It’s all quite amusing to me.
I think I’ve said this before, but I’ve always looked forward to the 30’s. I actually look forward to the 40’s and 50’s too, not that I’m in any rush to get there, but none-the-less… still look forward to it. I think it’s because most of my closest friends are closer to their 40’s. I MAY feel like I’m always catching up.
My mom has always said I’ve had a mature soul. Some of us are just like that… but here are some of my thoughts so far for this day (as warped as they may be):
- “Didn’t expect to be 34 weeks pregnant and 35 lbs. over my normal weight on my 30th birthday.”
- “Why do I still feel 23?”
- My staff at Church! at Bethany sang me Happy Birthday yesterday at the staff meeting and got me an ice cream cake. SOOOOO good!!!
- Got voicemails and phone calls from (in this order) Mom, Jill Hofer, Greg Lester, Helen Wong, and Renee Mytar so far.
- Got text messages from (in this order) Brian Stout, Rose Braun, Katelyn Bonn, Nick Lind (who said “Happy Birthday, Grandma!” lol!), Krysta Lind, Laura VanderGiessen, Rebecca Strott, Kevin Clayville so far.
- All made me happy… but none were as great as Chance waking me up with, “It’s your happy birthday, Mommy! And I love you.”
- The Strott Family (one of my favorite families EVER!!!) JUST brought this HUGE bouquet of flowers over too. It’s bigger than my head. I wish I could somehow share how wonderful they smell too
- I received “Happy Birthday” wishes from friends all over the country via Facebook and Twitter. Many of them are blog friends that I’ve never met in person and many old middle school and high school friends. Shout out’s to all of you!
Thank you ALL for your friendship, blessings and love! I’m a lucky girl not only to see the sweet age of 30, but to LOVE it as much as I do.
My honey and some friends are taking me out to dinner at my favorite place, Portland City Grill, tonight. I think my wonderful day has JUST begun. You can expect another post later… but for now…
Jenni on Skype: jclayville 
