Jenni |

Archive - Jenni RSS Feed

Year 32

September 28, 2010 in Family, Friends, Jenni, Personal Entries with 16 Comments

I turned 32 on Saturday.

I was fortunate enough to have my birthday be celebrated over three days.

Friday: Coffee in the morning with Janet. My annual birthday lunch with Angela & Jilly. Then, I came home to a yummy pot roast dinner made by my amazing hubby, Brian. I usually do the cooking so this was a nice treat. We also took advantage of some ice cream vouchers we had and took the kids to ice cream after dinner.

Jilly made this dessert for us. SOOOOOOO good!

Ang has a birthday clown fetish/tradition. and my face looks huge in this photo. HA!

Ang made this card for me. It makes me laugh every time I see it.

Both Chance’s and Paxton’s faces CRACK ME UP!!!

Saturday: My calendar was mysteriously blocked out for me, telling me I was busy, but not telling what I was busy with. Brian and Mikey had planned for me to be treated to an all afternoon spa day. Mikey and I got massages and mani/pedi’s. Then we went to Todai for all you can eat… and got attacked by a freaky clown.

Sunday: Brian let me sleep in till 11am (which hasn’t happened since high school), then Mikey came over to watch the kids so Brian and I could go out on a date. We got to spend time some face time minus kids. Love my kids… but I need my honey.

And as I look back on how these three days were spent, I realize how very blessed I am.

Friday was filled with long-time friends. The one’s who have shown themselves constant in my inconsistent life. Friends that didn’t give up when I was ready to. Friends that didn’t abandon me when I deserved loneliness. Friends that remind me that I HAVE friends even when I feel completely alone.

Saturday was spent with my Mikey, who is undoubtedly my bestie, though I’ve known her for only a year. Not many find THAT friend you know you can trust your life with in EVERYTHING. It’s weird how she almost always knows what I’m thinking before I even say it and vice versa. She’s proof that girlfriends aren’t just a “good thing” but a VITAL need. Saturday was spent in my “new”… celebrating who I am today after ALL the changes. I like who I am now.

And finally Sunday was spent with the one person I can’t wait to live the next 32 + 32 years with… but I would also willingly die for in a second. Sunday was a large chunk (did I just call Brian a large chunk?) of what I live for.

In three short days, I saw my past, present and future… and I was yet reminded again that God has never failed me, and never will. It’s moments like this that sustain me for the moments I forget.

I’m thankful for 32. SO thankful.

What Do YOU Wanna Know?

January 22, 2010 in Jenni, Weblogs with 6 Comments

I’ve been taking a bit of a “sabbatical” from writing anything that takes brain power.

Of course, I’ve been posting photos, videos and family things just to stay on top of being our “family historian”. Don’t wanna lose the timeline of when things happen, right?

Anyway… I’m curious…

What do YOU want to see me write about?

Do you have questions for me?

Our Story (Part Four)

October 16, 2009 in Adultery, Faith, Family, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Ministry, Personal Entries with 25 Comments

We shared our story with our church.

Our church wept with us. Our church celebrated our choice to fight the odds. We were prayed over, accepted, embraced and supported. We partially expected judgement, but instead, we received grace.

Brian and I were blown away by the amazing response.

We’ve experienced a death. A death in our old marriage. Our counselor wisely said, “I know you guys aren’t looking at divorce as an option, but a divorce MUST happen. You must divorce your old marriage and start new.” We still have bad days… this isn’t magic, but I can honestly say that we have WAY more good days than we ever had… even before the affair.

You may be wondering why I decided to “come out” with my secret. After all… no one would have ever known. You’re right. But God knew… and I knew. Not only was I NOT immune to an affair, but I was VERY capable of one. I really had to destroy any and ALL chances of this ever happening again. This was how. God’s desire for us is to live in truth… in the light. Nothing that lives in darkness can survive.

“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” ~Matthew 23:27

I was destroying myself with my secret. It was time to clean the tomb out. Besides, I didn’t need a tomb because Christ offers LIFE that’s eternal.

I’d like to say that this story has a fairy tale ending… a “Happily Ever After.” However, it’s more like a “Once upon a time…”

Even though there is still hurt and pain swirling around us, we knew it was time to break the lineage to generational sin. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me in revealing my ugly truth, but I knew I needed to FINALLY obey God, no matter the cost to me.

I can actually SEE God blessing our family because of our obedience. Brian and I are closer than we’ve ever been… EVER. We’ve been married since 2001. I’m not saying life is perfect or that we don’t fall into some of our old patterns, but OVERALL, I have never experienced life, love or joy like this.

It’s going to continually be up and down for us… but I KNOW I’m truly, honestly living an authentic life with no secrets holding me down.

God is healing Brian.
God is redeeming me.
God is restoring us to something greater than it ever was before.

Besides experiencing a REAL marriage and life with Brian, the best of all this is how deeply I’ve found myself falling for Jesus. I’ll be honest… I don’t always invite him into every part of my day. I sometimes feel like I need to protect JESUS from my dysfunction – as if Jesus needs to be protected from anything, but the good thing is I’m inviting him in more and more… and he is cleaning house!

In all of this, I no longer question if I married the “right” man. I now know, the “deep” feelings I had for that other man, though it felt VERY real at the time, was really just my projected need to be loved and desired. Brian has stepped up and become that. Or… maybe he’s been that the whole time, but I just didn’t let him in.

Brian KNOWS my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
Brian finishes my sentences.
Brian knows my thoughts just by looking at me.
Brian pursues me.
But GOD gives me confidence in all of this. Confidence in Brian.

We are very much still in the healing process and we have only made it to this point by the grace of God and the constant, unrelenting prayers of our friends and family.

“But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the doors of the jail and brought them out. “Go, stand in the temple courts,” he said, “and tell the people the full message of this new life.”

~ Acts 5:19-21

We’re hoping that by us sharing our story WHILE we’re in the midst of healing, that you can see the hope that is Christ Jesus. We hope you can see redemption is real and very possible for all of us no matter how ugly the sin looks. Our desire is you will stop hiding…

… it’s time to share YOUR STORY.

Believe it or not… you’re not alone.
You’re FAR from being alone.

———————————-

To read OUR STORY from beginning to end:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

Our Story (Part Three)

October 15, 2009 in Adultery, Family, Guest Bloggers, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage with 5 Comments

Guest posted by: Brian Clayville

————————————-

The very thought of this was overwhelmingly humiliating for both of us. Jenni had just conquered several years worth of fear by telling me her most painful secret and now a week later, I was asking her to expose this ugliness to all those closest to us. She shut down in fear…

… but not for long.

Within 24 hours, Jenni did as I asked. Our pastor and his wife were at our house the next night. Jenni shared her story boldly, even though she knew she could lose her job as the Worship Pastor at the church. This was a big deal because we really needed this income. Our fear was quickly quieted and Jenni’s willingness to be honest was embraced. Matt and Cindy were gracious, forgiving and supportive. Not only did they choose to keep Jenni on staff, but they really helped us in many ways through our healing process. I can’t say many people in church leadership are like this.

Over the next few days, Jenni called our closest friends… the ones she had lied to and confessed her story. One of her first calls was to the wife of the man she had the affair with. That’s a whole different story, but I can tell you that she forgave Jenni and they are actively working through an amazing restoration in their friendship. The reaction from the rest of our friends and family were varied but most were very forgiving and full of grace. I was and still am so proud of her for being willing to risk so much and to be so vulnerable.

The months following didn’t get any easier. I guess you can say I was going through the grieving process. I pulled back from life. Several times, I wanted to give up on our marriage and just escape the pain. Maybe a handful of people checked in on me or called to encourage me… but this was rare. I’m not saying this is their fault, but the reality is people didn’t know what to do or what to say, so they just did nothing. Jenni and I had counseling but that was only an hour every week.

I felt abandoned.

The worst part was how distant I felt from God. I withdrew from Him just as I did from most people in my life. He felt so distant and irrelevant to me that I could not bring myself to pray or seek him with any consistency.

Finally, in mid-August, I knew it was time to stop focusing on my pain. It was MY turn to heal. It was time to come out of this desert. I asked God to use my horrible reality for his Glory. It was not clear to me what that meant or how I would do it, but I MADE that decision.

Jenni arranged a last minute trip to my parents’ house in La Grande. We spent a lot of time praying, being quiet and just BEING together. I found God again… right where I had left him. This weekend away became an instrumental time for our marriage. We were healing. Not just the pretend-stuff-it-under-the-rug “healing”… but we were falling in love again. Me and God… and me and Jenni.

We came home with a new hope, a new goal and a new future. We were like newlyweds. Everything was actually good, which was amazing because there was a time when I truly wondered if anything would ever be “good” again. My marriage was… no… is GREAT!

This was when God decided to do as I had asked – use my horrible reality for His Glory. In my quiet time with God, He spoke:

“It’s time for you to share your story…”

“WHAT??? Jen will NEVER go with this! She had a hard enough time telling those closest to us!” I argued back. But God was going before us in a way I had never imagined.

Jenni came home from her staff meeting that day and said, “Matt (our pastor) wants us to share our story at church… and I think it’s time.”

We knew this was God ordained. We knew it was time to finally obey God completely with our marriage. We were scared spitless. EVERYONE was going to know. EVERYONE was going to judge us… judge Jenni…

… but it was time.

(… to be continued …)

—————————–

Read Our Story in order here:

Part One
Part Two

Our Story (Part Two)

October 14, 2009 in Adultery, Family, Guest Bloggers, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 9 Comments

Brian, my better half, is going to “guest-blog” and write the next two parts of our story:

—————————

When Jenni broke the news to me, I was devastated to say the least.

I went and stayed with my friend, Todd, who had recently been through some hard times of his own. For the next few days, Todd gave me a safe place to talk, pray and have a quiet place to rest.

He listened to my story.
He comforted me.
He gave me space to process.

In my own reflection, I felt like such a small man. I had been too weak to confront issues that had obviously been inappropriate. Why had I not set stronger boundaries… been more protective and jealous? How could I have not seen this happening with my wife? After all… this was MY WIFE.

The next few weeks were an emotional roller coaster. There were days, I totally blamed Jenni and the other man (who was my friend). ”How could they have done this to me?” Those days, I just wanted a divorce because I thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore. However, there were also days where I just celebrated the fact that Jenni had finally been truthful with me. Though the news was devastating, she ultimately chose to honor me… risking everything by telling me about her affair.

I realized that I had come very close to losing the love of my life.

You see, Jenni grew up in an emotionally abusive home and had a lot of emotional scars that needed to heal. This didn’t stop at childhood. I have actually witnessed this during the time of our marriage. My wife had been walking on eggshells for 30 years. This caused her to build walls around herself for protection. She was ready for conflict at all times… even if she didn’t need to be. She NEVER felt safe, protected, or truly loved unconditionally. I didn’t know how to provide all she needed. Nor was I capable at that time.

Todd challenged me to stay by her and love her through the process. He reminded me that my boys needed a father AND mother working together to be Godly role models. That’s when I finally made the decision:

I wanted to make our marriage work.

The work of processing through where I had failed in our marriage looked me straight in the eyes. What I saw in myself was revealing and uncomfortable.

I rarely ever pursued Jenni.
I avoided anything that felt like conflict with her.
I never attempted heart felt communication with her.
I was not jealous enough as a husband and best friend to seek her full attention.

By not saying anything, I told Jenni she didn’t matter enough to me for me to fight for her. I didn’t protect her OR cherish her. Though she was the one who chose to splinter from our marriage vows, I knew I too was responsible for the breakdown of our marriage.

But the more I thought about this three year secret that had just surfaced, the more I realized I wasn’t the only person Jenni had hidden this part of her life from. For lack of better words, Jenni had lied to many of our close friends and family too. I asked her if she would go and tell them the truth.

She flipped out…

(… to be continued …)

————————

Our Story – Part One

For The Broken

October 11, 2009 in Adultery, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 4 Comments

Brian and I have gone public with our story, but we realize that not everyone likes to sit and listen to a podcast. So, we’ve decided to just write it down here.

We’re writing it for our records… for our healing… but we’re also writing it for you.

We don’t claim to be marriage counselors or relationship experts by any means. Heck, we’re still figuring out new things about each other on a daily basis. But we want to do this… because while we were in the midst of our darkest moments, the moments we thought our marriage was not going to make it, we felt completely alone. However, even though we FELT that way… the truth is, we weren’t.

Our hope is that where-ever YOU may be, even though you FEEL like it, you will know are NOT alone.

“Our Story” series will begin on Tuesday. We hope you will join us in praying:

** for the many out there who are still trapped in darkness.
** for the ones who are listening to the lie that they can never be forgiven.
** for the ones who think they are broken beyond repair.
** for the ones who really believe they are worthless.
** for the ones who have given up hope.

Here we are… a month after and really, we’re just starting to realize our story has very little to do with us… and much more to do with WHO God is in all of this. Jesus didn’t come for the well… he came for the broken.

He came for me…
…and he came for YOU.

He’s HERE for you.