Prodigal Son – Part Three
Today was a great day.
I got to lead worship with my sister, Helen, today at Church at Bethany. I haven’t gotten to see her in 2 years and have really looked forward to her weeklong visit for quite some time now.
Our Sunday Setlist:
- God With Us – Bart Millard
- All We Need – Charlie Hall
- Indescribable – Laura Story
- Heart of Worship – Matt Redman
- My All In All – Nichole Nordeman Version
- We Will Worship You – Carlos Whittaker
- From The Inside Out – Joel Houston
Today’s set was pretty fun not only having Helen with me, but also having Charlotte on keys and Mark on drums. It was a good matching set to go with the sermon today.
Matt continued our series “Finding Our Way Back To God” and we finished Part Two of Jessica’s Story. Please watch the second part of Jessica’s story below:
So… question:
When will it be YOUR turn to come home?
FORGIVENESS
for·give [fer-giv]
–verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
–verb (used without object)
6. to pardon an offense or an offender.
We Christ followers talk about forgiveness a lot. We tell each other we NEED to do it or it will just eat us up inside. We hear stories of other people forgiving other people and blessings pouring in because of it. But when it comes to OUR lives and what it means to forgive, that’s when the word “forgive” becomes an impossible action.
When I did the unforgivable, Brian graciously forgave me. Not immediately… but after he processed what it really meant to forgive… he CHOSE to. He didn’t HAVE to… but he CHOSE to. Many people forgave me. Brian’s family, my sisters, my Dad, our friends. They CHOSE grace over judgment on me.
All except one.
My mother hasn’t forgiven me. I doubt she ever will.
I’ve caused her great embarrassment. Children are an extension of the parent and I am one seriously tangled mess of an extension cord. I’m no longer a viable showpiece because I’ve revealed the “wizard of oz” behind the curtain… and the reality is I’m nothing great. I’ve failed her. And that’s all I know because she hasn’t spoken to me since August 2009.
But here’s where I’m gonna get real with you. I’m gonna show my ugly and I’ll be honest… I’m a little scared right now. But, I’m gonna do it anyway (please be gentle).
I have NO right to ask for her forgiveness. I don’t have ANY place to receive it even if it was offered…
… because I haven’t forgiven her either.
Most of my counseling time is spent working through my childhood and how that’s manifested it’s way into my adulthood, relationship with Brian, and relationship with my children. 75% of my therapy time is spent digging up painful memories of how my mother treated me, looking at it, mourning it, and letting it go.
I’m not blaming my mother OR my past for my adult actions. However, how can you really change if you’ve never gone back to look at the problem face-to-face? I’ve NEVER grieved anything or allowed myself to FEEL. And I don’t want to live the rest of my life like that.
In Matthew 26:28, Jesus says:
“This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.”
So… here’s the hard part. Forgiveness isn’t just for me. Forgiveness isn’t just for those who forgive me. Forgiveness is for EVERYONE who chooses Him. Forgiveness is for those who haven’t or will not forgive me. Not forgiving my mother is like drinking poison and waiting for HER to die. So, I need to forgive…
… every disapproving look, sneer, grunt, glare.
… every time I was called ugly, fat, stupid, “the devil”.
… every slap in the face & body-slam into the walls.
… every weeklong silent treatment.
… EVERY wrong ever committed against the childhood me.
… not because I “have” to… but because I’ve been FORGIVEN by the Greatest. And so has she.
So, why do I still have the bottle of poison at my lips?
Silence is NOT Golden
Yesterday, Mike Foster, wrote a post on the People of the Second Chance website titled SILENCE IS NOT GOLDEN… SPEAK UP!
This post resonated with me all too well.
When Brian and I publicized the death of our first marriage, this is exactly what we encountered:
SILENCE.
We knew our friends just didn’t know what to say.
They didn’t want to say the wrong thing.
They didn’t want to seem judgmental.
They didn’t want to hurt our feelings.
But in their silence, what they told us (though they didn’t mean to) was this :
YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN!
Don’t get me wrong. We had a handful of friends that DID check in on us just to tell us they were praying for us, but the problem is when you hit rock bottom like this, you already feel completely alone. In a way… you’re almost deficit in how alone you feel… so a couple of phone calls won’t even bring you back to ground zero. Silence only confirms your deepest fears: that you’ve been abandoned by the world.
Obviously, Brian and I made it through the darkest times, but here’s a word to those of you who have friends that are currently going through the desert:
SPEAK UP!
You don’t need to say anything profound. Just say this (practice it with me):
“Hi friend. Listen… I was just thinking about you. I really don’t have anything to say. No advice. Just wanted you to know I LOVE you.”
Then… pray for them… and call them again in a couple of days. And a couple of days after that. And after that. Every time you think about them, drop them a note, an email, a text, a voicemail. These simple acts make a world of difference.
So, it’s your turn. Speak up, because silence = perceived judgment.
Words
As a small child, I remember my WORDS were my source of survival.
It didn’t matter if I told the truth or not… if my mother came home in a bad mood, and the surroundings weren’t exactly to her liking, you’d have to brace yourself. Most of the time, we braced ourselves emotionally… because my mother’s WORDS were her ammunition of choice, shooting at us fast and for long periods of time (I think my longest “lecture” of being told I was a waste of space lasted 5 hours on a Saturday). But if we weren’t careful with the WORDS we exchanged with her, we would also have to brace ourselves physically.
By the age of 10, I had not only learned to angle my body “just right” to protect more and hurt less from a “spanking”… but I had also carefully crafted my speech (and sometimes lack of) to manipulate situations with my mother so that I could avoid being shot at with her WORDS. And when I was “shot at”, I learned to angle my heart “just right” so I could protect more and hurt less.
When you grow up this way, you learn one of two things:
1. WORDS mean EVERYTHING and you live life CARING too much what people say.
… or …
2. WORDS mean NOTHING and you live life not BELIEVING what people say.
I am the second.
My LifeGroup Online is reading through the Bible right now and something that really struck me is how much WORDS meant in Old Testament time. Your WORD was your WORD. There was no need for a signed contract or need to doubt that someone might be lying because if they spoke it… it WAS. Their WORDS were blessings or they were curses. But what they said was final.
In Bible times, nations rose through the blessings of a father. I can no longer guard my heart from WORDS that curse… because in doing so, I’m causing more damage. By not allowing WORDS to bless me, I’m stunting my potential growth. I also cannot continue to allow my WORDS to be protective shield. By not allowing my WORDS to bless others, I’m prohibiting God from using me as He created me.
My WORDS are no longer my source of survival. They’re much more than that… I need to be intentional about my WORDS to my husband, to my children, to my family and to my friends.
My WORDS must bless… not curse.
My WORDS must encourage… not tear down.
My WORDS must instill truth… not stir-up lies.
ONE Thing with RefineUs.Org
Today, Brian and I got the privilege to guest post over at RefineUs.org. Justin and Trisha are GREAT friends of ours and have built an amazing ministry out of their story. Talk about beauty from ashes.
If you didn’t know, Justin and Trish were an instrumental part to the restoration of Brian and my marriage. They are good people… OUR people.
Here’s an excerpt from our post:
When we got married (Brian was 26 & Jenni was 22), our thoughts and concerns at the time were about one thing: Our STATUS.
We’re not saying we didn’t love each other or that we shouldn’t have gotten married… we’re simply stating that our new “status” was more attractive than thinking about the reality of what marriage meant.
It wasn’t till after we divorced our old marriage that we FINALLY began to talk about these things. We talked about our dreams, our desires, our goals… and soon realized we both wanted …
To read more… CLICK HERE!
Check in there all week. They have a great line-up of guest-bloggers who are worth reading.
We’re Getting Married!
As most of you know, Brian and I have divorced our old marriage and have started anew.
And as if him just giving me a second chance wasn’t good enough… he went ahead and did THIS last night:
(to watch in Vimeo, CLICK HERE!)
My man is the most amazing man IN THE WORLD.
CHEERS! … to second chances… to starting over…
… to making it better than it EVER was before!
Things For Restoration
As most of you know, Justin & Trish are good friends of ours. They played a HUGE part in the restoration of Brian and my marriage after my affair.
Today… Justin wrote an amazing post about the steps you NEED to take if you truly want restoration in your marriage and in your life.
- Totally surrender and repent before God
- Cut all ties with the person whom you have had the affair
- Submit every minute of your life to a trusted friend
- Get to a Christian counselor that specializes in marriage restoration
- Come clean early and often as you try to rebuild trust
- Be willing to do whatever it takes to restore your marriage
I posted his points here but you REALLY need to read everything in between for the full picture. CLICK HERE to read all of it.
With that said… I’d just like to add this:
It’s about MORE than just your marriage (and if you’re not married… your FUTURE marriage)… it’s about your relationship with GOD. When I was choosing my affair, I was not only giving my husband and family my sloppy seconds… but giving God even less. That’s not His desire for us.
God desires for us to be completely united with Him first and foremost.
He wants to bless us with the most amazing gifts.
He wants to break our hearts with the things that break His.
He wants us to see compassion through His eyes.
He wants us to feel community the way He does with Jesus and the Spirit.
He wants us to experience life the way He intended us to… without barriers.
When we choose something/someone else before Him… we don’t get to live within our true potential or purpose. We lose ourselves… and THAT… is devastating.
Go… Read… Soak it in…
… CHANGE.
——————————
Update: For Trisha’s response… CLICK HERE!
The Real Me
This week, Mike Foster challenged us to reveal the “real me”.
I think I’ve been pretty real here on my blog when it comes to most of the things in my life. I’ve revealed most everything from a silly random 25 things list to my largest life failure.
On the People of the Second Chance (POTSC) site, Mike challenges us to participate in THIS experiment:
So this week I thought we could do an experiment. Let’s replace all our “nice-professional-photoshop-hair-looking-fab-pics-we-really-like-of-ourselves” with “REAL” photos of us. Change your Twitter. Facebook. Blog. Remove the sexy and put the #REALME up.
Low res camera pics. Christmas morning rats nest hair photos. Bad lighting and goofy looks. Close ups and flabby neck photos. No photoshopin’ here! No shame here! No image or brand management! Just a snapshot of reality.
And here is the point of the experiment!!! Your value is in you. Not your sexiness. You are beautiful even when you think you are ugly, geeky, or when a photo is unflattering. We love and prefer the REAL YOU!
I was going to post a photo of me RIGHT when I woke up, or some crazy photo like Tam, however, when I read Anne and Crystal’s blogs today, I thought I would just follow suit in video form… so here we go.
Some of you may have a hard time revealing yourself from behind your mask. You mask might not be make-up. If you’re anything like me, your mask could be walls of lies you have built around yourself. Friend… it’s time to be free.
“I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” ~ Psalm 139:14
ALL of you are wonderful and beautiful. Not just your outside… but inside too… when you allow yourself to BE the way you were created. God knit you together with PURPOSE. That “imperfection” you cringe to look at every day is God’s perfection of purpose in you.
My beauty is in my tragedy. I can HONESTLY tell you I thank God (almost) everyday for letting me hit rock bottom. I thank God for letting me feel pain. I thank God for allowing me to EXPERIENCE everything I have in life… even letting me fail. You see, if I didn’t ever hit rock bottom and walk the desert, I’m not sure I’d quite appreciate how beautiful and lush life is now.
So… you’re turn.
What is ONE thing you LOVE about yourself?
2010: The Last Decade
It’s the New Year… and to commemorate this *exciting* tenth year past 2000, I thought I’d document the last decade of my life on one post. A lot has happened…
Let’s begin.
2000:
- I moved from Seattle to Portland, knowing NO one.
- Met Brian in February.
- Started working in Radio Marketing.
- Got engaged in December.
2001:
- Bought our condo.
- Got married on May 27th.
2002:
- Found out we were “infertile”.
- Lost a couple of babies in miscarriages.
2003:
- Left Marketing behind and started Full-Time Ministry at Sunset.
- Lost another baby.
- Bought our first “house” in Bethany.
2004:
- Started Blogging.
- Started the Adoption Process.
- Found out we were pregnant in December. Didn’t move for 3 months.
- Abandoned the Adoption Process for now.
2005:
- Chance was born on September 1st.
2006:
- Left FT Ministry to stay home with Chance.
- I stepped into an affair.
2007:
- Sold my dream house & moved to Hillsboro.
- Filled in at the Interim Student Worship Director at Sunset for a year.
2008:
- We moved… again… back to Bethany area.
- My sister, Renee, married Jason in July.
- Started as the Worship Pastor at Church! at Bethany.
- Paxton was born on November 6th.
- We moved… again… to a temporary house.
2009:
- Told Brian about my infidelity.
- Went back into counseling.
- Scott died.
- We moved… again… for the last time in 3 years to Beaverton.
- Wondered if our marriage was going to make it… daily.
- Went public (church & blog) about my affair.
- Started finally experiencing a REAL marriage with my husband.
- Turned 31.
- Discovered what grace REALLY looks and feels like.
- Healing… and living… maybe for the first time ever.
- My baby sister, Helen, announced her engagement to Jesse.
What is in store for us in 2010? I have no idea… but I have never look more optimistically at an upcoming year.
In the last ten years, it feels as if my life was only beginning. I fell… many times… more times than I really care to admit. I remember MANY very specific moments of just wanting to lay there and never get up again. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to die in my shame and pain. But somehow, I found my way back on my feet. To stand as a sinner… to face the consequences… to deal with the ROOT issues (not just what seemed to be)… and maybe the most difficult hurdle of all:
… to allow undeserved grace to wash over me.
… to be redeemed & restored.
This year, 2010, I look forward to:
- Continued restoration in my marriage.
- Healing in other relationships.
- Many rich and full moments with my family.
- Deepening the bond with my amazing girlfriends from all over.
- Learning how to love more freely and with reckless abandon.
- Owning my first spaceship (you still there?)
God is good… all the time.
… even when it doesn’t feel like it.
… especially when it doesn’t feel like it.
What are 10 words (less or more) that describe your LAST decade?
Merry Christmas 2009
Thank you ALL so much for all the support, prayers and love you’ve sent our way this year.
Brian and I just wanted to say a few words to you on this day:
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Thank you, Baby Jesus, for being born and then growing up to do what you did for us.
God is good… all the time!
Clean Up
I took Chance and Paxton in to get their haircut today… just in time for the holidays.
BEFORE:
AFTER:
Maybe now, strangers will stop asking me if my little “girl” is one yet. Um… he’s wearing ALL BOY CLOTHES? I digress.
Sometimes… all we need is a “clean-up” to feel a bit better.
I know when my whole house is a mess, if I just clean up my kitchen counters, sweep and wipe everything down (15 minutes worth of work), I’ll immediately feel better and have a new outlook.
Life works a bit differently.
Or does it?
My life is jam packed full of… well.. LIFE.
It’s not just my schedule… it’s my whole family’s, seeing that I’m the CEO of my home AND the Worship Pastor of my church. If you’re like me, you find yourself scheduling in drop-off & pick-ups to and from pre-school, doctor’s appointments, counseling appointments, staff meetings, worship band practices, girlfriend time, date nights with Brian, small group, bible studies, play groups… and the list goes on. When do you find time to just BE?
About a month ago, I had enough of the rat race. I had almost lost everything once… I wasn’t about to spiral out of control again. So, I chose rest.
TUESDAYS.
I schedule NOTHING on Tuesdays. Why Tuesday? I don’t know… I can’t do Sunday because I work at a church. Saturdays are family days and prep days for Sundays. Monday, Wednesday and Friday is school for Chance. Mondays are usually also my “hangover from the weekend” day. Thursday is counseling with Brian and small group. So, Tuesday was the big winner!
It’s my Sabbath. It’s the day I invest in my family.
No grocery shopping
No stressful housekeeping
No play dates
No girlfriend dates
No prepping for worship services
No cleaning out my email inbox (though I may read them during the kids’ naps)
Instead, the kids and I do whatever we want… together.
We play
We sleep
We watch movies
We read
We talk about God
We make up stories
We dream
And when the kids nap, I drink in His Word.
I have no deadlines on Tuesday.
And when I get that urge of anxiety of NEEDING to do something… I just write it down on my list of “to-do’s” for Wednesday. It works. I need it. To be better wives, husbands, parents, friends, leaders, servants…We ALL need it.
Because, if you don’t… you need to clean up so you can!
Do’s & Do Not’s
Since sharing our story of my affair, Brian and I have received bulldozer (we don’t have a bulldozer, so I don’t really know how big that is) amounts of emails, phone calls, and messages.
Some of the most encouraging emails we’ve received are from people who want to know HOW to prevent an affair. YES!!! This is the right question, because an affair is preventable if you are aware you’re not immune. I’ve replied to many emails already, but I thought I’d gather my thoughts a bit more linearly and post them here for dialogue.
You need to ask yourself how you’re doing in all these areas, and answer them honestly. I posted some of these questions over on this GUEST POST, but I thought I’d address “DO’s” and “DO NOT’s” in more detail here:
DO:
- Communicate: you need to talk to your spouse. Marriage isn’t a “happily ever after”… it’s a “once upon a time” so work it out. The reason God gave you YOUR spouse is to grow YOU in those specific areas. Communication isn’t one way… so if you’re the “talker” (like me) in the relationship, ask questions, shut up, and LISTEN. And most importantly… PRAY TOGETHER. Communicate with God TOGETHER.
- Have Sex: seriously… once a month (or year) is NOT going to do it. If you’re not connecting physically, that brings about insecurity. Insecurity does NOT belong in a marriage.
- Creatively Encourage: yes… your other needs to hear you say it. ”You should just know I love you” is NOT a good way to say “I love you”. And while you’re saying “I love you”, be creative with your words in WHY you love him/her. Make time in the day to text or call just to say what you appreciate about your spouse.
- Invest in Counseling: we all need a little bit of therapy! You cannot rightly say “It’s over!” if you haven’t tried everything. Yes, it costs money and yes, there’s a “stigma”. Who cares… it’s your MARRIAGE. We all enter into marriage with baggage. It is NOT fair to drop that on our spouse and say, “Your problem now!” Also, find good accountability. Find people that can tell you “no” or “you’re wrong” to your face.
- Plant a Hedge: we all have a “line” we don’t cross. I had it too… until I jumped over it and stayed there for awhile. Plant a BIG hedge in front of the line so even if you get bumped in that direction, you won’t cross that line. It probably wouldn’t hurt to plant a hedge around your marriage too. Here’s how…
DO NOT:
- Trash Talk: trashing your spouse in front of your friends is NOT ok. Do you realize you are the one who looks like an idiot when you do that? I mean, YOU’RE the one who married him/her. Also, sharing more information with someone other than your spouse is a HUGE red flag. The only thing worse is talking to them about your marriage. STOP and get out fast. You are swimming with sharks there, friend.
- Spend Alone Time with the Opposite Gender: No buts. I understand if there are business meetings that need to occur. Go to public places. Drive separately. Try to bring a third person. In a world of social media and emails, make sure your spouse has your passwords to everything. Make it impossible to hold any secrets from your spouse.
- Use Your Children: Yes… you. Don’t hide behind your children. Yes, your kids need you, but what they need most is to see Mom & Dad IN LOVE and working it out. It doesn’t hurt them to see you argue… but they NEED to see you resolve it. This also helps train them to deal with conflict in a healthy way when they’re older.
- Avoid Brokenness: this is where you’ll find your strength. This is where you find wholeness. It’s gonna hurt. BAD! But you’ll come out stronger in the end. Think Olympic athletes. They have to break down their bodies to become as strong as they are. Training is not comfortable.
- Withhold Forgiveness: bringing up the past when it’s already been addressed and dealt with is not going to help your marriage. I once heard someone say, “Not forgiving is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” It’s stupid. How do you move forward into the future if you’re clinging to the past. For some of you, the person you need to forgive the most is not your spouse… it’s you. Forgive.
I know many of you reading this may not have survived your marriage. I know many of you tried and did ALL you could, but it just didn’t work. I don’t even pretend to know that kind of devastation. I’m not necessarily speaking to you about any of this, but I will say there is something quite amazing about hope. I don’t know what that looks like in your life… but it’s there – as plain as the gray in my hair… it’s there.
We have no way of controlling our spouse. The only person you are accountable for is YOU. So, step up and DO what you need to do and DON’T do what’s going to hurt you.
The First Call
Many have the most amazing relationships with their siblings.
(Me, Helen & Renee on my Mom’s Porch Swing)
I do… with one of them. Helen and I have always gotten along and have never fought. It may be that she’s 6 years younger than me and her personality is pretty rad. I mean… she really gets along with just about everyone. She’s the peacemaker in our family.
My other sister, Renee, is two years younger than me. She and I are just about as polar opposites as you can get. If it weren’t for the fact that we’re sisters, we would most likely have nothing to do with each other.
Renee likes to give and receive gifts. I could care less about gifts. She talks in circles. I get straight to the point. She is VERY considerate of those around her and extremely inclusive. I am INconsiderate most of the time and pretty exclusive. She’s a dreamer. I’m so practical, I’m like Debbie Downer.
I have spent 20 of my 30 years writing Renee off. I gave up on us ever having “that kind” of relationship because we were just too different. We’re both not very careful with our tongues… she just keeps talking so eventually something hurtful comes out, and I just am quick to speak with her and painfully blunt… so we hurt each other.
Well… it’s time for some brutal honesty.
Last week, in my personal quiet time, I realized that I have hurt her more than she’s hurt me. I’m older… I’m not as sensitive… and I just had that wall up so high, I never thought who else I was keeping out. I was so busy building my walls and protecting myself, I locked someone important out to fend for herself in the gale-force winds and merciless storms. I abandoned my little sister… who needed me to protect her, invite her in and love her. In my doing “nothing”, I told her she was WORTH nothing to me.
I failed…
It’s time for me to mend what I broke. I know I’m not responsible for what choices she makes… but I AM responsible for what I hurl at her and what I throw in “her pool”. I need to stop littering.
So, I called her and told her I wanted more for our relationship than just to talk of the weather and my kids (that’s seriously all we ever talked about which is VASTLY different than what Helen and I talk about). She said she’s not sure she’s ready for this since I’ve given her NOTHING to trust that I won’t stomp all over her heart again.
She’s right… but what she doesn’t know is that I’m determined to become a safe place for her. It will probably take years. Maybe even a million… but the healing God has blessed me with after I hit rock bottom is not only for me. I cannot in good conscience live life changed and not make things right in the people I have wronged.
So, I called her… and I will call her again… and again.
I failed…
… but I am NOT a failure.
What relationships in your life do you need to make the first call?
Abandoned
Loneliness hits at the strangest time.
Yesterday, I got to hang out with Amber Isborn because our kids had a playdate during the day, then in the evening, I went to the Blazer’s opening game with Cindy Payne. The night before, I got to have a spa date with Angela Lawton. I actually don’t ever go out two nights in a row like this and rarely even go out twice in a week.
You see, I prayed for girlfriends. I have mourned the loss of many friends so now I’m not only investing in the girlfriends I already have, but I’m making new ones. God is blessing me. It’s like I have girlfriends coming out of the woodworks.
So, why do I feel so lonely?
This is what I discovered: I’m mourning the loss of friends from my past 8 years.
Some of my closest friends I bonded with most were from my old church. We worked together, we spent every day together, we shared life together… FRIENDS. But, when I left that church, it felt as if I was ex-communicated immediately by many. It was almost as if I was no longer someone they needed to invest time in because I no longer had anything to offer them. I could no longer help meet their need, so the “friendship” was over too. I’m not saying this is what REALLY happened… I’m just saying this is how it FELT to me.
Then, I came out with my secret. I know “they” know. ”They”… the one’s I didn’t actually tell face-to-face because the rumor mill beat me to it… but save TWO friends, “they” never called.
Don’t get me wrong. I am certain I still have many friends from that church. In fact, some have walked me through the last eight months and prayed us through our hardest times. I will FOREVER be grateful for them. What I am merely saying is this: I am overwhelmingly sad to have spent so many years serving with people who no longer nod at my existence. Sad.
So… here are my thoughts:
I am someone who most recognize.
I was on the platform.
I was on staff… oversaw a ministry.
I was usually surrounded by people, friends, acquaintances.
I’m outgoing and PLUGGED into the church.
I’m pretty foundationally secure in my faith.
However… when my world fell apart, I felt abandoned… outcasted… gossiped about… forgotten by the church I spent 8 years at.
WHAT ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE?
What about the unrecognized?
The quiet church-goer?
The silent servant volunteer?
The lonely “un-friendable”?
The reserved and unplugged?
The foundationally insecure… the roamer?
What about them?
This is not about me. This isn’t about “that” church. This is about the UNchurched… the hurting… the alone… the SINNER… like you and me. This is about them. This is about what WE are doing for THEM.
40“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’ 41“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ 44“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ 45“He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
~ Matthew 25:40-45
Come on, Church… it’s time to step up when the times get tough.
Hangin’ With Chance
When Brian and I decided I would be a stay-at-home Mom… I honestly had NO idea what I was doing.
I was a total latchkey kid and the closest thing I knew was sort of overseeing my two sisters afterschool till Mom got home.
So often, I’ve found myself envious of friends like Alli, who grew up with a Mom who invested quality time with her. She taught her real skills:
How to be a supporting and loving wife.
How to be an encouragement and blessing to her children.
How to bake and cook.
How to be a woman of integrity.
Yes. I’ll be honest. I covet Alli for her mother. I feel short-changed because I wonder if the only things I have to pass down to my kids is my dysfunction. I wonder if I have anything to offer them at all.
Here’s the deal. Right, wrong or indifferent, life is what it is.
Chance and Paxton are kids God has loaned us in the short time (hopefully not TOO short) we get them. Though I SERIOUSLY don’t know what I’m doing… I do the best I can with what I’ve got — dysfunction and all. I take what little good I remember from my childhood and glean the rest off of the amazing female mentors God has placed in my path throughout my 31 year journey and pray… PRAY… with all I am that something sticks.
So, what do I do with my kids?
We talk
We snuggle
We dream
We laugh
We have no boundaries in love… because we’re building a long-lasting relationship. A relationship that will stand through every mistake I make with them. Because if I’ve learned anything, it’s that LOVE is greater than any mistake… and if you allow it to, LOVE will conquer ALL.
Apparently, love also means letting them eat… um… anything.
How do THEY know you love THEM?
Old Friends Becoming New
Sarah Jean (yes… that’s her first name. do not separate or she will kill you) and I have been friends since 6th grade.
No… correction. We’ve known each other since 6th grade. And though we cheered together (SJ & I are at the top right in the photo above sandwiching Marcus, my stunt partner), spent WHO knows how many hours in classes together, and had a very similar personality then… the truth is: we weren’t friends at all.
Just acquaintances.
We never shared life. We never really talked about REAL things. We just co-existed and were obviously subconsciously smart enough back then to stay out of each other’s “limelight”.
But here we are… 13 years later. Today is different.
With the epic amount of loss our little class of ‘96 has recently endured (friends dying too young, friends’ children dying, friends getting really sick…) we decided that just saying, “we’ll have to get together sometime soon.” wasn’t good enough. Sarah Jean made it happen.
Sarah Jean and Mikaelyn came down to spend the weekend with us. We even got to have lunch with Carole (pictured above in the cheer photo with her hair touching my cheek) on Sunday afternoon. We talked about real things… things that matter… things that affect us in real life. The facade came down… and we openly admitted how much we didn’t have life together.
You see those smiles above? Those were our facades. All of us. Covering our deepest insecurities, desperately trying to prove we had it all together, pretending we were the perfect “All-American” cheerleader… and that we were WORTH loving.
We WERE worth loving… no… we ARE worth loving! Just not by statuses we attained or through accolades we once longed to hear.
Our worth has nothing to do with what we do, who we know, our popularity status or what “uniform” we wear. Our worth has EVERYTHING to do with WHO died for us, WHO we serve now and HOW we love others.
See our smiles below (well… sort of)? Those are smiles of hope and realization of how blessed we are TODAY. They’re not fake… because we know, sometimes, those smiles are replaced by the ugly cry — and that’s ok.
The friendship I now have with Sarah Jean isn’t surface. It’s deep and here to stay. Yes, we live three hours away, but I am positive that if I ever needed her, she would be at my side in 4 hours flat and vice versa. I’m glad we had 13 years to live life (through pain and all) and morph into who we are now because we are better for each other TODAY than we ever would have been for each other THEN.
It’s time for all of us to hang up the past so that we can put on TODAY.
My cheer uniform is hung up.
My high school mask is hung up.
My sin is hung up… on a tree with my Savior over 2000 years ago.
Today… what I’m wearing is grace.
Our Story (Part Four)
We shared our story with our church.
Our church wept with us. Our church celebrated our choice to fight the odds. We were prayed over, accepted, embraced and supported. We partially expected judgement, but instead, we received grace.
Brian and I were blown away by the amazing response.
We’ve experienced a death. A death in our old marriage. Our counselor wisely said, “I know you guys aren’t looking at divorce as an option, but a divorce MUST happen. You must divorce your old marriage and start new.” We still have bad days… this isn’t magic, but I can honestly say that we have WAY more good days than we ever had… even before the affair.
You may be wondering why I decided to “come out” with my secret. After all… no one would have ever known. You’re right. But God knew… and I knew. Not only was I NOT immune to an affair, but I was VERY capable of one. I really had to destroy any and ALL chances of this ever happening again. This was how. God’s desire for us is to live in truth… in the light. Nothing that lives in darkness can survive.
“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” ~Matthew 23:27
I was destroying myself with my secret. It was time to clean the tomb out. Besides, I didn’t need a tomb because Christ offers LIFE that’s eternal.
I’d like to say that this story has a fairy tale ending… a “Happily Ever After.” However, it’s more like a “Once upon a time…”
Even though there is still hurt and pain swirling around us, we knew it was time to break the lineage to generational sin. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me in revealing my ugly truth, but I knew I needed to FINALLY obey God, no matter the cost to me.
I can actually SEE God blessing our family because of our obedience. Brian and I are closer than we’ve ever been… EVER. We’ve been married since 2001. I’m not saying life is perfect or that we don’t fall into some of our old patterns, but OVERALL, I have never experienced life, love or joy like this.
It’s going to continually be up and down for us… but I KNOW I’m truly, honestly living an authentic life with no secrets holding me down.
God is healing Brian.
God is redeeming me.
God is restoring us to something greater than it ever was before.
Besides experiencing a REAL marriage and life with Brian, the best of all this is how deeply I’ve found myself falling for Jesus. I’ll be honest… I don’t always invite him into every part of my day. I sometimes feel like I need to protect JESUS from my dysfunction – as if Jesus needs to be protected from anything, but the good thing is I’m inviting him in more and more… and he is cleaning house!
In all of this, I no longer question if I married the “right” man. I now know, the “deep” feelings I had for that other man, though it felt VERY real at the time, was really just my projected need to be loved and desired. Brian has stepped up and become that. Or… maybe he’s been that the whole time, but I just didn’t let him in.
Brian KNOWS my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
Brian finishes my sentences.
Brian knows my thoughts just by looking at me.
Brian pursues me.
But GOD gives me confidence in all of this. Confidence in Brian.
We are very much still in the healing process and we have only made it to this point by the grace of God and the constant, unrelenting prayers of our friends and family.
“But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the doors of the jail and brought them out. “Go, stand in the temple courts,” he said, “and tell the people the full message of this new life.”
~ Acts 5:19-21
We’re hoping that by us sharing our story WHILE we’re in the midst of healing, that you can see the hope that is Christ Jesus. We hope you can see redemption is real and very possible for all of us no matter how ugly the sin looks. Our desire is you will stop hiding…
Believe it or not… you’re not alone.
You’re FAR from being alone.
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To read OUR STORY from beginning to end:
Our Story (Part Three)
Guest posted by: Brian Clayville
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The very thought of this was overwhelmingly humiliating for both of us. Jenni had just conquered several years worth of fear by telling me her most painful secret and now a week later, I was asking her to expose this ugliness to all those closest to us. She shut down in fear…
… but not for long.
Within 24 hours, Jenni did as I asked. Our Pastor and his wife, Matt & Cindy, were at our house the next night. Jenni shared her story boldly, even though she knew she could lose her job as the Worship Pastor at Church at Bethany. This was a big deal because we really needed this income. Our fear was quickly quieted and Jenni’s willingness to be honest was embraced. Matt and Cindy were gracious, forgiving and supportive. Not only did they choose to keep Jenni on staff, but they really helped us in many ways through our healing process. I can’t say many people in church leadership are like this.
Over the next few days, Jenni called our closest friends… the ones she had lied to and confessed her story. One of her first calls was to the wife of the man she had the affair with. That’s a whole different story, but I can tell you that she forgave Jenni and they are actively working through an amazing restoration in their friendship. The reaction from the rest of our friends and family were varied but most were very forgiving and full of grace. I was and still am so proud of her for being willing to risk so much and to be so vulnerable.
The months following didn’t get any easier. I guess you can say I was going through the grieving process. I pulled back from life. Several times, I wanted to give up on our marriage and just escape the pain. Maybe a handful of people checked in on me or called to encourage me… but this was rare. I’m not saying this is their fault, but the reality is people didn’t know what to do or what to say, so they just did nothing. Jenni and I had counseling but that was only an hour every week.
I felt abandoned.
The worst part was how distant I felt from God. I withdrew from Him just as I did from most people in my life. He felt so distant and irrelevant to me that I could not bring myself to pray or seek him with any consistency.
Finally, in mid-August, I knew it was time to stop focusing on my pain. It was MY turn to heal. It was time to come out of this desert. I asked God to use my horrible reality for his Glory. It was not clear to me what that meant or how I would do it, but I MADE that decision.
Jenni arranged a last minute trip to my parents’ house in La Grande. We spent a lot of time praying, being quiet and just BEING together. I found God again… right where I had left him. This weekend away became an instrumental time for our marriage. We were healing. Not just the pretend-stuff-it-under-the-rug “healing”… but we were falling in love again. Me and God… and me and Jenni.
We came home with a new hope, a new goal and a new future. We were like newlyweds. Everything was actually good, which was amazing because there was a time when I truly wondered if anything would ever be “good” again. My marriage was… no… is GREAT!
This was when God decided to do as I had asked – use my horrible reality for His Glory. In my quiet time with God, He spoke:
“It’s time for you to share your story…”
“WHAT??? Jen will NEVER go with this! She had a hard enough time telling those closest to us!” I argued back. But God was going before us in a way I had never imagined.
Jenni came home from her staff meeting that day and said, “Matt wants us to share our story at church… and I think it’s time.”
We knew this was God ordained. We knew it was time to finally obey God completely with our marriage. We were scared spitless. EVERYONE was going to know. EVERYONE was going to judge us… judge Jenni…
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Read Our Story in order here:
Our Story (Part Two)
Brian, my better half, is going to “guest-blog” and write the next two parts of our story:
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When Jenni broke the news to me, I was devastated to say the least.
I went and stayed with my friend, Todd, who had recently been through some hard times of his own. For the next few days, Todd gave me a safe place to talk, pray and have a quiet place to rest.
He listened to my story.
He comforted me.
He gave me space to process.
In my own reflection, I felt like such a small man. I had been too weak to confront issues that had obviously been inappropriate. Why had I not set stronger boundaries… been more protective and jealous? How could I have not seen this happening with my wife? After all… this was MY WIFE.
The next few weeks were an emotional roller coaster. There were days, I totally blamed Jenni and the other man (who was my friend). ”How could they have done this to me?” Those days, I just wanted a divorce because I thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore. However, there were also days where I just celebrated the fact that Jenni had finally been truthful with me. Though the news was devastating, she ultimately chose to honor me… risking everything by telling me about her affair.
I realized that I had come very close to losing the love of my life.
You see, Jenni grew up in an emotionally abusive home and had a lot of emotional scars that needed to heal. This didn’t stop at childhood. I have actually witnessed this during the time of our marriage. My wife had been walking on eggshells for 30 years. This caused her to build walls around herself for protection. She was ready for conflict at all times… even if she didn’t need to be. She NEVER felt safe, protected, or truly loved unconditionally. I didn’t know how to provide all she needed. Nor was I capable at that time.
Todd challenged me to stay by her and love her through the process. He reminded me that my boys needed a father AND mother working together to be Godly role models. That’s when I finally made the decision:
I wanted to make our marriage work.
The work of processing through where I had failed in our marriage looked me straight in the eyes. What I saw in myself was revealing and uncomfortable.
I rarely ever pursued Jenni.
I avoided anything that felt like conflict with her.
I never attempted heart felt communication with her.
I was not jealous enough as a husband and best friend to seek her full attention.
By not saying anything, I told Jenni she didn’t matter enough to me for me to fight for her. I didn’t protect her OR cherish her. Though she was the one who chose to splinter from our marriage vows, I knew I too was responsible for the breakdown of our marriage.
But the more I thought about this three year secret that had just surfaced, the more I realized I wasn’t the only person Jenni had hidden this part of her life from. For lack of better words, Jenni had lied to many of our close friends and family too. I asked her if she would go and tell them the truth.
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Our Story – Part One
Our Story (Part One)
In mid-2006, I stepped into an affair. This man… and his wife were couple friends of ours long before the affair began. However, the affair took flight after working deeply in ministry together. The affair lasted two years.
Even though Brian and I had become “glorified roommates”, I knew I still loved him. I obviously didn’t show it with my actions. I knew I never wanted to leave Brian… but I couldn’t believe how quickly and deeply I had fallen for this other man.
Could it be possible that I married the wrong man?
He knew my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
He could finish my sentences.
He knew my thoughts just by looking at me.
He pursued me.
He gave me confidence.
This man wasn’t an evil predator that seduced married women for his own gain. We were (inappropriately) BEST FRIENDS. Though he had made that first move, I was the one who hooked him and didn’t let go. Instead of seeking God or going to my husband, I used this other man to fill a very empty hole in my life. And because he was/is just another hurt human being in search for something, we fell deeper.
In the confusion of thinking I was in love with TWO men, the one person I really didn’t love…
… was myself.
As most do, my affair ended. I tried to LIVE with this deep, dark secret. I knew the other man would never say anything. No one would ever know. I thought I could live AND DIE with this secret. I thought I was protecting Brian and Chance by keeping this secret from them, when in reality, I was just trying to protect the very little of myself I had left. I was convinced that if I kept this to myself that I could MAKE this work. I knew if anyone ever found out, I would lose everything. Worst of all, I locked God out of my life.
I lived every day trying to make what I did wrong… right. It was all works based. I said to myself, “I CAN DO THIS!!!” And by some standards, I did. I was FINALLY being a good wife. I was dedicated to Brian… to Chance… to my church. But, I felt myself withdrawing from life.
Paxton was born November of 2008 and I fell into the deepest depression I had ever experienced. I blamed it on post-partum (partially true) but I knew where the root of my personal hell was coming from… and the worst part was, I didn’t allow anyone to come and help bear my burden. Not even Jesus. ESPECIALLY not Jesus.
Fast forward to April of this year. A couple we now consider good friends, Justin & Trish Davis shared their story with us. Long story short, Justin had an affair with Trisha’s best friend. In the pain of it all, they chose to work through it and stay married. I had HEARD about things like this happening but had never PERSONALLY known real people who stayed together after a full-blown affair. The part that stuck with me the most was how much God had restored Justin and Trisha’s relationship with Himself.
This was my hearts biggest desire.
I needed to tell Brian. I knew I could possibly lose everything. Brian could leave me. He could take the kids. I would be left friendless… family-less. My reputation that I had worked so long and hard at would be ruined… and I would deserve every bit of it. This would be the end of me.
Cindy Beall: A Man Without A Home
Today’s post was written by the one and only Cindy Beall.
Cindy is an example of a woman I’m striving to be like one day.
I sort of stalk her. Not in the “single-white-female” psycho kind of way… but in the “Wow, she’s amazing!” kind of way. She’s got more forgiveness and grace in her pinky fingerNAIL than I have in my whole being.
I have a LOT to learn.
You can read more about her story HERE.
Cindy… thanks for writing over here today. Amidst your busy schedule and hectic life, you still chose to share your life with us. You challenge me to be better person. I’m grateful for you.
Without further adieu… here’s Cindy…
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I felt someone come up behind me as I was unloading my basket full of groceries onto the conveyor belt at my local grocery store. I eventually turned around only to lay eyes on a taller man with a disheveled appearance. The clothes he was wearing were filthy, stained and in poor condition. His aroma was equally disturbing. But he smiled, nonetheless. And appeared to be a relatively happy soul.
At that time, I realized he was the man. The man who rides his bike throughout the town where I live. The man who can often be found wearing three layers of clothing on a hot, July day in Oklahoma. The man who is often snoozing underneath a Bradford Pear tree to shield himself from the precipitous elements.
“I hate the rain,” he said smiling. I couldn’t help but notice that his teeth were in awful condition. I imagine due to the fact that he probably doesn’t brush his teeth everyday or go see his dentist twice a year like I do. Like my entire family does.
I smiled back at him, eyeballing my purse as I did. It was loaded with my grocery cash and newly replenished Dave Ramsey allowance. I didn’t want to lose it for it might mean I would lose the money I was about to use to go by a new pair of jeans. And he’s clearly the sort to steal money.
Or so I thought.
Once I finished and moved down, the space allowed him to place his items down that he was about to purchase. He put a pair of jeans, a watch, a 12-pack of AA batteries and a 16-oz. bottle of Grape Crush down. Then he did something I wasn’t prepared for. He whipped out a wad of cash from his pocket and began to thumb through the bills for he knew his time to render his goods was upon him.
What in the world, I found myself thinking. I mean, here is a man who doesn’t appear to have a home, appears to be in need yet he appears to have plenty of money to take care of his needs and even some wants. Because y’all, he didn’t need that watch because he was already wearing one.
The scene was oxymoronic at best. I was speechless, almost without the ability to glean an intelligent thought about what I was experiencing.
Before the wad of cash was thumbing through his fingers, I was close to giving him some of my currency. My hard-earned, well-deserved money. But now, I was confused. What if I offered it to him and he turned me down because he didn’t really need it? Was I willing to deal with my pride being spat upon in the face of my generosity of a $20 bill? What if he did take it and asked for more? Was I willing to give it? All of it?
But I didn’t offer. Nor did I give him anything.
I had the opportunity to show who I was as a Christ follower. Instead, I showed who I was as a Christ follower.
As I drove home in my nicely-equipped, almost paid-for SUV, I realized that I was not completely comfortable about the encounter with the man without a home. Yes, my heart was tugged on but clearly not enough to do anything about it. And that can either mean that maybe I wasn’t supposed to offer the man anything or that my heart has grown calloused to the needs around me.
Ruin me, Lord.
I need to be ruined.
For The Broken
Brian and I have gone public with our story, but we realize that not everyone likes to sit and listen to a podcast. So, we’ve decided to just write it down here.
We’re writing it for our records… for our healing… but we’re also writing it for you.
We don’t claim to be marriage counselors or relationship experts by any means. Heck, we’re still figuring out new things about each other on a daily basis. But we want to do this… because while we were in the midst of our darkest moments, the moments we thought our marriage was not going to make it, we felt completely alone. However, even though we FELT that way… the truth is, we weren’t.
Our hope is that where-ever YOU may be, even though you FEEL like it, you will know are NOT alone.
“Our Story” series will begin on Tuesday. We hope you will join us in praying:
- ** for the many out there who are still trapped in darkness.
- ** for the ones who are listening to the lie that they can never be forgiven.
- ** for the ones who think they are broken beyond repair.
- ** for the ones who really believe they are worthless.
- ** for the ones who have given up hope.
Here we are… a month after and really, we’re just starting to realize our story has very little to do with us… and much more to do with WHO God is in all of this. Jesus didn’t come for the well… he came for the broken.
He came for me…
…and he came for YOU.
He’s HERE for you.
I’m Mourning
I am in mourning. It’s a dark place.
I’m mourning:
… the loss of my old marriage. :: When Brian and I decided to divorce our old marriage, we didn’t just divorce the bad, the affair, and the breakdown. Because so many of our good memories were mixed in with the timing of the affair, we had to knowingly divorce ALL the memories… including all the good ones. Everything was tainted.
… the loss of my old integrity. :: Before the affair, I can honestly say I really lived life as boldly as I could above reproach. People trusted me. People sought out my advice. The act of the affair destroyed ALL of that in one fell swoop. I’m starting over BELOW ground zero now.
… the loss of good friends. :: It’s always been easier for me to befriend guys than girls. I’ve only recently (in the last 4 years) connected with more women… but I could safely say that “my ladies” were less than 50% of my friend influence. Post-affair, I have realized I CAN NOT have close friendships with guys… so THAT 50% PLUS of my friendships must change… HAVE changed. I have therefore “lost” more than 50% of my friends.
But TODAY is a new day.
Today:
… I get to fall in love with Brian again. :: My new marriage to the same man has introduced a love I have never known before. I get to tell him, every day, that I choose him. I get to experience REAL life with him, unbound from the chains of my past secrets. I get to be loved to a degree I have never known till now.
… I get to live a life of TRUE Restoration. :: The integrity I had before was a false sense of self. It became my obsession… another thing I could “control”. It made my “fall” a much scarier, longer drop from grace. Restoration, however, has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with Jesus. I don’t get to control this… so I can’t mess this one up.
… I get to invest into a deeper love with my girlfriends. :: Not all girls are mean. In fact, I have found the women of my life to be quite wise, truth speaking and loyal. Irreplaceable, actually. I get to spend 50% more of my time discovering a REAL community.
Though I’m still in mourning… today is a new day. Today, I get to kick Satan in the jingles and say, “YOU DON’T GET TO WRITE MY STORY!” I know that mourning these losses WILL propel me forward to the new life I have awaiting me… a better life. Today, I choose to live in the light. And with that… I say…
“Good Morning!”
The light of the morning will not arrive until the dark of the night passes.
What are YOU trading in this morning?
Feelings vs. Truth
Today has been an “ugh” kind of a day.
My family life is good. My marriage is GREAT. My friends are checking in… however…
I FEEL:
- forgotten
- unworthy
- attacked
- unwanted
- abandoned
However… no matter how I feel… I STILL know the TRUTH.
I AM:
- CHOSEN
- WORTHY
- FORGIVEN
- LOVED
- RESTORED
I guess it doesn’t matter how I feel… because the TRUTH card trumps the FEELINGS card, huh?
What are YOU feeling today?
AND what is the TRUTH about you today?
Jenni on Skype: jclayville 
