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I’m Mourning

October 7, 2009 in Faith, Friends, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 3 Comments

I am in mourning. It’s a dark place.

I’m mourning:

… the loss of my old marriage. :: When Brian and I decided to divorce our old marriage, we didn’t just divorce the bad, the affair, and the breakdown. Because so many of our good memories were mixed in with the timing of the affair, we had to knowingly divorce ALL the memories… including all the good ones. Everything was tainted.

… the loss of my old integrity. :: Before the affair, I can honestly say I really lived life as boldly as I could above reproach. People trusted me. People sought out my advice. The act of the affair destroyed ALL of that in one fell swoop. I’m starting over BELOW ground zero now.

… the loss of good friends. :: It’s always been easier for me to befriend guys than girls. I’ve only recently (in the last 4 years) connected with more women… but I could safely say that “my ladies” were less than 50% of my friend influence. Post-affair, I have realized I CAN NOT have close friendships with guys… so THAT 50% PLUS of my friendships must change… HAVE changed. I have therefore “lost” more than 50% of my friends.

But TODAY is a new day.

Today:

… I get to fall in love with Brian again. :: My new marriage to the same man has introduced a love I have never known before. I get to tell him, every day, that I choose him. I get to experience REAL life with him, unbound from the chains of my past secrets. I get to be loved to a degree I have never known till now.

… I get to live a life of TRUE Restoration. :: The integrity I had before was a false sense of self. It became my obsession… another thing I could “control”. It made my “fall” a much scarier, longer drop from grace. Restoration, however, has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with Jesus. I don’t get to control this… so I can’t mess this one up.

… I get to invest into a deeper love with my girlfriends. :: Not all girls are mean. In fact, I have found the women of my life to be quite wise, truth speaking and loyal. Irreplaceable, actually. I get to spend 50% more of my time discovering a REAL community.

Though I’m still in mourning… today is a new day. Today, I get to kick Satan in the jingles and say, “YOU DON’T GET TO WRITE MY STORY!” I know that mourning these losses WILL propel me forward to the new life I have awaiting me… a better life. Today, I choose to live in the light. And with that… I say…

“Good Morning!”

The light of the morning will not arrive until the dark of the night passes.

What are YOU trading in this morning?

Feelings vs. Truth

October 5, 2009 in Faith, Life Experience, Personal Entries with 7 Comments

Today has been an “ugh” kind of a day.

My family life is good. My marriage is GREAT. My friends are checking in… however…

I FEEL:

forgotten
unworthy
attacked
unwanted
abandoned

However… no matter how I feel… I STILL know the TRUTH.

I AM:

CHOSEN
WORTHY
FORGIVEN
LOVED
RESTORED

I guess it doesn’t matter how I feel… because the TRUTH card trumps the FEELINGS card, huh?

What are YOU feeling today?
AND what is the TRUTH about you today?

Running

October 2, 2009 in Adultery, Blog Swap, Childhood, Faith, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 0 Comments

This is the post I guestblogged over at Lynse’s portion of internet real estate a couple of days ago. In case you didn’t see it…

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I’ve been running…

Since I was seven years old, I’ve been running.

When my parents divorced… I ran.
When I couldn’t find my significance… I ran.
When I was building my career and life… I ran.

You see, it wasn’t just the bad things I ran from. I had no idea how to process or deal with life in a healthy way. I didn’t understand that running from the issue didn’t resolve or change the issue… it only “misplaced” me. When anything ever happened to me, good OR bad, I ran.

Each time I ran, I just found myself more… lost.

This practice of running quickly trained me to stuff my feelings, hide my secrets and eventually, I was such a good runner, I ran STRAIGHT into another man’s arms.

“BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.”

“Still” scares me.
“Still” means I have to FACE my problems.
“Still” means I have to admit my mistakes.
“Still” means I don’t get to be all jacked-up and hopeless anymore.
“Still” means I NEED grace.

But you know what?…

“Still” also means I get to breathe.
“Still” gave me time to heal my hurts.
“Still” means that healing was just around the corner.
“Still” gave me a second chance.
“Still” means resolution and restoration.

“STILL” was exactly what I needed.

I stopped running and let others catch up with me. I let others carry me (which to be completely honest was and IS very uncomfortable for me, but needed), and more importantly… when I stopped, I realized I had no reason for running.

I spent 23 years running… non-stop. I was tired.

Aren’t YOU tired?

My thirty-FIRST Birthday

September 25, 2009 in Adultery, Faith, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Motherhood, Personal Entries with 19 Comments

Today, I am 31 years old.

When I was little, I thought 31 was old… like REALLY old.

I thought that by 31 I would DEFINITELY have it all together.

Well… here I am. Too old to be in love with Zac Efron and too young to get a face-lift.

And seeing that I only have one living grandparent left, I think I can safely guess that genetics would say my life is already half over.

But you know what?

… Thirty-ONE is a great number.

It took me 30 years to get to the point of complete honesty with myself.
It took 30 years to fall completely broken on my face.
It took 30 years to realize the walls I had built around me were suffocating me.
It took 30 years to finally set up appropriate boundaries of protection.
It took 30 years to experience what grace really is.
It took 30 years to see that love was real… even for me.

Today is my thirty-FIRST birthday.

My first year to fall in love everyday with my husband.
My first year to love those around me UNCONDITIONALLY.
My first year to extend the grace of God that is for EVERYONE.
My first year living with no hidden secrets.
My first year being 100% available to my children.
My first year being whole.

It’s my FIRST year. My life is only beginning.

God is in the business of restoring lives. This is the first year I’ll fully experience it.

Guess what???

Today’s the first day of the rest of YOUR life too!!!

Happy Birthday to YOU!

My Pool (Part Four)

September 24, 2009 in Adultery, Faith, Family, Friends, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 32 Comments

After almost two years, the affair ended… as all do in one way or another. And there I was: alone with my thoughts.. I had been treading for almost 30 years in very murky, polluted waters.

All I ever wanted was to matter.

I wanted to be LOVED by someone…
I wanted to be GREAT at something…
I wanted to be REMEMBERED when I was gone…

And the truth was… I had MADE it. By the age of 30 I had attained everything I ever set out to acquire. So why did I feel like such a nobody?

My relationship with God was starting to pick up again. This was good except He wanted to heal me. The NERVE, right? He was starting to reveal root issues I had buried so deeply, I wasn’t even aware they existed. These were things I wasn’t ready to face.

My life was a swimming pool FULL of trash. God was helping me bring all of my rubbish to the surface, but it was up to me whether I wanted to use my net to fish it out. I knew if I were to grab the net, I would have to really look at the trash before I could destroy it once and for all. It was much easier to just push everything back down and just never swim in the pool.

On the outside, my life still looked fine. I accepted a new position at a local church plant in Portland as the Worship Pastor. Brian and I got pregnant and birthed another healthy little boy, Paxton. Chance started his first year of preschool. I was happy… but I should have been ecstatic about my life. My secrets were eating me alive. I was missing out on my OWN life and couldn’t recognize it.

You see… my pool wasn’t only for me. Brian, Chance, Paxton, our family, and all our friends were gathered around it… just waiting for me to give them the “ok” to jump in and play. And man, did they want to play… it’s always a hot day around here. But my pool was polluted and not safe for anyone to swim in.

It was time to clean my pool.

I told Brian about my affair, and the following 5 months were beyond painful. My pool had been stirred and now the waters looked murkier. I didn’t know if we were going to make it. By the looks of it, this mess was getting worse. This was NOT what I had signed up for.

As I was “fishing”, I began to get really angry. I noticed that though most of the trash was tossed in by ME, a LOT of it was from other people. However, I had a choice: to place blame and wait for “them” to come clean up their litter, or just take ownership and clean the parts that affected me. I was mourning some deep, deep issues for the first time. It hurt… but it was good..

While God was re-surfacing all my trash, and I was obediently fishing each and every item out one-by-one… my friends and loved ones had put a brand new filter in my pool. I didn’t know it at the time, but the friends and family we had told were intercessing on our behalf. They were helping me clean my pool without me even asking.

** Thank you, my dear friends. Even now, as I write this, I sit… tearfully and humbly thankful to each and every one of you. Thank you. **

My focus was tightly wrapped up in the rubbish I was taking out. I mourned each and every re-surfaced piece of trash I once treasured. I was permanently destroying the remnants of my garbage in a huge bonfire… when one day, Brian and I looked in and noticed the most amazing sight. Not only were the waters clean, but the once cluttered pool bottom was now cleared of ALL debris. And there stood Jesus, inviting us in with some floaty recliners and margaritas, complete with those cute little drink umbrellas made by underaged and underpaid third world children (you still there? just checkin’ to see if you’re still reading).

Friends… all of us have a pool. And if we don’t tend to it, it will become polluted and dirty, rendering it completely useless. I also want to reiterate that I didn’t do this alone. Christ was there, Brian was there, and friends were there.

This can’t happen overnight. It’s really grueling work that seems hopeless and never-ending at times. You don’t have to do it alone… but to get help, you need to be willing to show others how dirty your pool really is. I, for one, promise to help get you a filter for your pool if you tell me you need one.

I’m not saying my pool will be clean forever. Occasionally, trash will drift in and the water will get stagnant. I know Brian and I will need to drain the pool at times in our next 70+ years together and put fresh water in… but it sure is a lot easier to upkeep when we don’t let it build up.

What’s in your pool?
Isn’t it time to go swimming with all your loved ones?

I think so, friends… I think so.

————–

To read the whole series:
Part One: In My Daddy’s Lap
Part Two: Floater
Part Three: My Empire

My Empire (Part Three)

September 24, 2009 in Adultery, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 8 Comments

My empire came soon enough.

I moved to Portland, Oregon.
I met and married Brian.
I finished college at George Fox University with a 3.96 GPA (Social & Behavioral Sciences).
I was a full-time Worship Pastor for Students.
I oversaw a ministry leadership team of 50+.
I conquered a 3-year battle with “infertility” and had Chance.

I, I, I… me, me, me… I had more than I would ever need. But it wasn’t enough. I ALWAYS had to be better… I always wanted more.

To be honest, I never TRULY thought I was “all that”. In fact, I was certain I was nothing… but I gave everyone around me the appearance that I had “arrived”. If I wasn’t the best… you bet I worked day & night till I was. If I knew I couldn’t be “better” than you in “that”, I made sure I was better than you in something else. I thrived on hearing those words, “Jenni is SO good at ______.” I had EVERYTHING to prove.

… and everything to lose.

To the public, Brian and I were the couple that had it all. We had the big house, the thriving ministry, the coolest friends, the cutest, most well-behaved baby… blah blah blah. But what was REALLY happening behind the scenes? I was a ticking time-bomb.

My worship band was being asked to play extra gigs. We had two recording projects under our belt. I was stealing time away from my family to “DO MORE” for Ministry. This made me feel important… after all, I was doing all this for God, right? In “doing more”, all I was really doing was becoming less. I was burning out.

I left Student Ministries. I was aware enough to know I had lost myself in all of this… but I had NO idea where to start looking for me.

About this same time, we started losing all our “stuff“. I no longer working. Brian’s business was no longer flourishing. We couldn’t keep up with our house payments. We already lost one of our cars to the “repo-man”, and we were in the process of losing our house.

Brian barely had ANY of my time, and when we DID have a “date night”, I was distracted, to say the least. Brian and I rarely talked, but when we DID talk, it often ended in a disagreement. The disagreement would end with me EXPLODING on him. This made it impossible for Brian to EVER want to pursue or be open with me.

I didn’t see it then, but I had become my Mother. I made Brian walk on eggshells. If we’re gonna REALLY be honest, I was just WAITING to see how far I could push Brian till he left me.

He didn’t.

That’s when I did the unthinkable. I dove head-first into an affair. The seven-year-old side of me thought I had finally found someone who really loved me and would pursue me. Finally. But the 28-year old side of me was ready to demolish my beautiful life… every blessing God had ever given me to show His love for me. I was about to ruin everything I had ever worked and hoped for because deep down, I didn’t believe I deserved any of it.