Prodigal Son – Part Two
Our Sunday Setlist was:
- Glory to God – Steve Fee & Vicky Beeching
- O Worship The King – Chris Tomlin Version
- King of Glory – Chris Tomlin
- Hallelujah – Tenth Avenue North (Response)
- We Will Worship You – Carlos Whittaker, Jason Ingram & Mia Fieldes
- Mighty To Save – Reuben Morgan
Despite one new song (Carlos’) and another “newer” song, it felt as though people were really singing out, worshiping together and praising the One who made this all to be. I was also extremely pleased with how the music pieces fit in well with the sermon.
Today, at Church at Bethany, we continued Part Two of our series, “Finding Your Way Back To God” (CLICK HERE for last weeks’ story). Matt’s talk today was titled, “This Isn’t What I Want” and it featured my good friend, Mikey, who finally got to share her story with our church.
Mikey has always been the “good girl” so when her life started to unravel, to her own doing, she was unequipped to handle it.
She ran.
She hid.
She ignored it.
Then… she found her place of safety. Watch the first part of her story below:
Mikey is in a COMPLETELY different place in her life now. Her realization that she DIDN’T have to live a life she didn’t want overruled the lies that told her that she was doomed to the consequences of her choices. Truth spoke loud and clear. She lives not only with integrity and strong conviction now, but she lives in search of REAL LIFE accountability. She repented of her mistakes, turned 180* from them and willingly chose to start over… which is more difficult to do than to just SAY to do.
I’m SO proud of her for sharing her story so boldly. I know it was one of the scariest things she’s ever done… but she did it anyway, in hopes that she can help even ONE person find their way back to God.
So how about you?
What in YOUR life do you NOT WANT?
And when are YOU gonna start over?
Prodigal Son – Part One
Matt wrote about the series we’re going through this next month.
As most of you know… I, too, am one who’s found my way back to God… and am constantly finding my way back to God.
Everyone is looking for something… we ALL want to find that “something”. And if you say you’re not, well… you’re either extremely unaware of yourself or just flat out lying.
We’re hosting 3 different stories from people at our church in this next series.
This first video is of Jessica… a woman (and now friend) I had been praying for LONG before I ever saw her face, met her in person, or embraced her.
Silence is NOT Golden
Yesterday, Mike Foster, wrote a post on the People of the Second Chance website titled SILENCE IS NOT GOLDEN… SPEAK UP!
This post resonated with me all too well.
When Brian and I publicized the death of our first marriage, this is exactly what we encountered:
SILENCE.
We knew our friends just didn’t know what to say.
They didn’t want to say the wrong thing.
They didn’t want to seem judgmental.
They didn’t want to hurt our feelings.
But in their silence, what they told us (though they didn’t mean to) was this :
YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN!
Don’t get me wrong. We had a handful of friends that DID check in on us just to tell us they were praying for us, but the problem is when you hit rock bottom like this, you already feel completely alone. In a way… you’re almost deficit in how alone you feel… so a couple of phone calls won’t even bring you back to ground zero. Silence only confirms your deepest fears: that you’ve been abandoned by the world.
Obviously, Brian and I made it through the darkest times, but here’s a word to those of you who have friends that are currently going through the desert:
SPEAK UP!
You don’t need to say anything profound. Just say this (practice it with me):
“Hi friend. Listen… I was just thinking about you. I really don’t have anything to say. No advice. Just wanted you to know I LOVE you.”
Then… pray for them… and call them again in a couple of days. And a couple of days after that. And after that. Every time you think about them, drop them a note, an email, a text, a voicemail. These simple acts make a world of difference.
So, it’s your turn. Speak up, because silence = perceived judgment.
ONE Thing with RefineUs.Org
Today, Brian and I got the privilege to guest post over at RefineUs.org. Justin and Trisha are GREAT friends of ours and have built an amazing ministry out of their story. Talk about beauty from ashes.
If you didn’t know, Justin and Trish were an instrumental part to the restoration of Brian and my marriage. They are good people… OUR people.
Here’s an excerpt from our post:
When we got married (Brian was 26 & Jenni was 22), our thoughts and concerns at the time were about one thing: Our STATUS.
We’re not saying we didn’t love each other or that we shouldn’t have gotten married… we’re simply stating that our new “status” was more attractive than thinking about the reality of what marriage meant.
It wasn’t till after we divorced our old marriage that we FINALLY began to talk about these things. We talked about our dreams, our desires, our goals… and soon realized we both wanted …
To read more… CLICK HERE!
Check in there all week. They have a great line-up of guest-bloggers who are worth reading.
We’re Getting Married!
As most of you know, Brian and I have divorced our old marriage and have started anew.
And as if him just giving me a second chance wasn’t good enough… he went ahead and did THIS last night:
(to watch in Vimeo, CLICK HERE!)
My man is the most amazing man IN THE WORLD.
CHEERS! … to second chances… to starting over…
… to making it better than it EVER was before!
Things For Restoration
As most of you know, Justin & Trish are good friends of ours. They played a HUGE part in the restoration of Brian and my marriage after my affair.
Today… Justin wrote an amazing post about the steps you NEED to take if you truly want restoration in your marriage and in your life.
- Totally surrender and repent before God
- Cut all ties with the person whom you have had the affair
- Submit every minute of your life to a trusted friend
- Get to a Christian counselor that specializes in marriage restoration
- Come clean early and often as you try to rebuild trust
- Be willing to do whatever it takes to restore your marriage
I posted his points here but you REALLY need to read everything in between for the full picture. CLICK HERE to read all of it.
With that said… I’d just like to add this:
It’s about MORE than just your marriage (and if you’re not married… your FUTURE marriage)… it’s about your relationship with GOD. When I was choosing my affair, I was not only giving my husband and family my sloppy seconds… but giving God even less. That’s not His desire for us.
God desires for us to be completely united with Him first and foremost.
He wants to bless us with the most amazing gifts.
He wants to break our hearts with the things that break His.
He wants us to see compassion through His eyes.
He wants us to feel community the way He does with Jesus and the Spirit.
He wants us to experience life the way He intended us to… without barriers.
When we choose something/someone else before Him… we don’t get to live within our true potential or purpose. We lose ourselves… and THAT… is devastating.
Go… Read… Soak it in…
… CHANGE.
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Update: For Trisha’s response… CLICK HERE!
The Real Me
This week, Mike Foster challenged us to reveal the “real me”.
I think I’ve been pretty real here on my blog when it comes to most of the things in my life. I’ve revealed most everything from a silly random 25 things list to my largest life failure.
On the People of the Second Chance (POTSC) site, Mike challenges us to participate in THIS experiment:
So this week I thought we could do an experiment. Let’s replace all our “nice-professional-photoshop-hair-looking-fab-pics-we-really-like-of-ourselves” with “REAL” photos of us. Change your Twitter. Facebook. Blog. Remove the sexy and put the #REALME up.
Low res camera pics. Christmas morning rats nest hair photos. Bad lighting and goofy looks. Close ups and flabby neck photos. No photoshopin’ here! No shame here! No image or brand management! Just a snapshot of reality.
And here is the point of the experiment!!! Your value is in you. Not your sexiness. You are beautiful even when you think you are ugly, geeky, or when a photo is unflattering. We love and prefer the REAL YOU!
I was going to post a photo of me RIGHT when I woke up, or some crazy photo like Tam, however, when I read Anne and Crystal’s blogs today, I thought I would just follow suit in video form… so here we go.
Some of you may have a hard time revealing yourself from behind your mask. You mask might not be make-up. If you’re anything like me, your mask could be walls of lies you have built around yourself. Friend… it’s time to be free.
“I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” ~ Psalm 139:14
ALL of you are wonderful and beautiful. Not just your outside… but inside too… when you allow yourself to BE the way you were created. God knit you together with PURPOSE. That “imperfection” you cringe to look at every day is God’s perfection of purpose in you.
My beauty is in my tragedy. I can HONESTLY tell you I thank God (almost) everyday for letting me hit rock bottom. I thank God for letting me feel pain. I thank God for allowing me to EXPERIENCE everything I have in life… even letting me fail. You see, if I didn’t ever hit rock bottom and walk the desert, I’m not sure I’d quite appreciate how beautiful and lush life is now.
So… you’re turn.
What is ONE thing you LOVE about yourself?
2010: The Last Decade
It’s the New Year… and to commemorate this *exciting* tenth year past 2000, I thought I’d document the last decade of my life on one post. A lot has happened…
Let’s begin.
2000:
- I moved from Seattle to Portland, knowing NO one.
- Met Brian in February.
- Started working in Radio Marketing.
- Got engaged in December.
2001:
- Bought our condo.
- Got married on May 27th.
2002:
- Found out we were “infertile”.
- Lost a couple of babies in miscarriages.
2003:
- Left Marketing behind and started Full-Time Ministry at Sunset.
- Lost another baby.
- Bought our first “house” in Bethany.
2004:
- Started Blogging.
- Started the Adoption Process.
- Found out we were pregnant in December. Didn’t move for 3 months.
- Abandoned the Adoption Process for now.
2005:
- Chance was born on September 1st.
2006:
- Left FT Ministry to stay home with Chance.
- I stepped into an affair.
2007:
- Sold my dream house & moved to Hillsboro.
- Filled in at the Interim Student Worship Director at Sunset for a year.
2008:
- We moved… again… back to Bethany area.
- My sister, Renee, married Jason in July.
- Started as the Worship Pastor at Church! at Bethany.
- Paxton was born on November 6th.
- We moved… again… to a temporary house.
2009:
- Told Brian about my infidelity.
- Went back into counseling.
- Scott died.
- We moved… again… for the last time in 3 years to Beaverton.
- Wondered if our marriage was going to make it… daily.
- Went public (church & blog) about my affair.
- Started finally experiencing a REAL marriage with my husband.
- Turned 31.
- Discovered what grace REALLY looks and feels like.
- Healing… and living… maybe for the first time ever.
- My baby sister, Helen, announced her engagement to Jesse.
What is in store for us in 2010? I have no idea… but I have never look more optimistically at an upcoming year.
In the last ten years, it feels as if my life was only beginning. I fell… many times… more times than I really care to admit. I remember MANY very specific moments of just wanting to lay there and never get up again. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to die in my shame and pain. But somehow, I found my way back on my feet. To stand as a sinner… to face the consequences… to deal with the ROOT issues (not just what seemed to be)… and maybe the most difficult hurdle of all:
… to allow undeserved grace to wash over me.
… to be redeemed & restored.
This year, 2010, I look forward to:
- Continued restoration in my marriage.
- Healing in other relationships.
- Many rich and full moments with my family.
- Deepening the bond with my amazing girlfriends from all over.
- Learning how to love more freely and with reckless abandon.
- Owning my first spaceship (you still there?)
God is good… all the time.
… even when it doesn’t feel like it.
… especially when it doesn’t feel like it.
What are 10 words (less or more) that describe your LAST decade?
Merry Christmas 2009
Thank you ALL so much for all the support, prayers and love you’ve sent our way this year.
Brian and I just wanted to say a few words to you on this day:
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Thank you, Baby Jesus, for being born and then growing up to do what you did for us.
God is good… all the time!
Belated Thanksgiving Post
I hope y’all had an amazing Thanksgiving.
I know I did.
Brian and I went to Thanksgiving in La Grande again this year with the boys. They are both so active now, it was great to see them having so much fun at their Nina & Papa’s house.
Thanksgiving this year was bittersweet for me. It was the first Thanksgiving holiday living in complete truth… protective walls down. Everyone around the table knew what I had done… and yet, they still loved me and invited me TO their table with love and grace.
This year… “thankfulness” has a new meaning. Thankfulness has life.
I am thankful for:
- *Jesus… and His grace for me.
- *Brian… and his immeasurable forgiveness.
- *Chance Hayden… and all the questions behind his eyes.
- *Paxton Joel… and all he represents.
- *Second chances to make things right.
- *Truth… and the freedom that comes with it.
- *Worship… and that I get to do that with reckless abandon again.
- *Brian’s new job… so we can get back on our feet again.
- *Brian’s parents… who have never stopped supporting us and have adopted me in as their own.
- *My sisters, Renee & Helen… who make my life better.
- *My mom… who gave me life so I can actually experience it.
- *My dad… who helped too.
- *Friends… old and new.
I am blessed… and WAY beyond thankful.
Clean Up
I took Chance and Paxton in to get their haircut today… just in time for the holidays.
BEFORE:
AFTER:
Maybe now, strangers will stop asking me if my little “girl” is one yet. Um… he’s wearing ALL BOY CLOTHES? I digress.
Sometimes… all we need is a “clean-up” to feel a bit better.
I know when my whole house is a mess, if I just clean up my kitchen counters, sweep and wipe everything down (15 minutes worth of work), I’ll immediately feel better and have a new outlook.
Life works a bit differently.
Or does it?
My life is jam packed full of… well.. LIFE.
It’s not just my schedule… it’s my whole family’s, seeing that I’m the CEO of my home AND the Worship Pastor of my church. If you’re like me, you find yourself scheduling in drop-off & pick-ups to and from pre-school, doctor’s appointments, counseling appointments, staff meetings, worship band practices, girlfriend time, date nights with Brian, small group, bible studies, play groups… and the list goes on. When do you find time to just BE?
About a month ago, I had enough of the rat race. I had almost lost everything once… I wasn’t about to spiral out of control again. So, I chose rest.
TUESDAYS.
I schedule NOTHING on Tuesdays. Why Tuesday? I don’t know… I can’t do Sunday because I work at a church. Saturdays are family days and prep days for Sundays. Monday, Wednesday and Friday is school for Chance. Mondays are usually also my “hangover from the weekend” day. Thursday is counseling with Brian and small group. So, Tuesday was the big winner!
It’s my Sabbath. It’s the day I invest in my family.
No grocery shopping
No stressful housekeeping
No play dates
No girlfriend dates
No prepping for worship services
No cleaning out my email inbox (though I may read them during the kids’ naps)
Instead, the kids and I do whatever we want… together.
We play
We sleep
We watch movies
We read
We talk about God
We make up stories
We dream
And when the kids nap, I drink in His Word.
I have no deadlines on Tuesday.
And when I get that urge of anxiety of NEEDING to do something… I just write it down on my list of “to-do’s” for Wednesday. It works. I need it. To be better wives, husbands, parents, friends, leaders, servants…We ALL need it.
Because, if you don’t… you need to clean up so you can!
Brian’s 35th
Dearest Brian,
Today is your 35th birthday.
As I sit here and think through our last year together, I am again humbled that I still get to be your wife. In the past year, you have found me to be a liar, a coward, an adulteress and a completely broken human being… yet, when even I couldn’t choose myself… you chose me.
Thank you for forgiving me for something unforgivable
Thank you for not throwing my mistakes in my face
Thank you for extending grace when I performed a graceless act
Thank you for loving me when no one else did
Thank you for defending me when I wasn’t worth defending
Thank you for showing me unconditional love when I was so conditional
Thank you for being an AMAZING father to our boys through all of it
Thank you for still choosing me… everyday.
Thank you, baby.
For your birthday… I want nothing more than to take back every mistake I’ve ever made in our marriage. I wish I could remove all the hurt and all the mixed up, messed up memories from the last 3 years…
… but I can’t change the past.
However, I CAN live for today and tomorrow. So… for your birthday…
I’m choosing YOU
I’m loving YOU with every breath in my body
I’m choosing OUR children
I’m praying for YOU
I’m investing in my own physical, mental, emotional & spiritual health
I’m making our house OUR home
I’m giving YOU my firsts… not my scraps
For your 35th birthday, I am planning our future together. A future that leaves my past behind… because it’s only *OUR FUTURE* that matters now. I’m excited for what this year will bring for you… for me… for US. I’m looking forward to many more birthdays and anniversaries… but today… I’m just thankful for YOU.
… and I’m pretty sure I always will be.
Happy 35th Birthday, Brian. May this be your best year ever!
I love you… more than stupid words could ever express. I love you.
Desperate Pursuit
Today, my guest blogger is Nicole Wick.
Nicole is the equivalent of the “triple threat” on Broadway… but in real life. She’s THAT woman that Satan needs to look out for. She WILL unravel his evil plans just by her willingness to be honest, authentic and real in all her experiences… especially the ones that most people hide.
She first got my attention by her adoption story. As I got to know her better, I realized she’s more multi-faceted than anyone I’d ever met in my 31 years. She’s also is a supporting author to XXXChurch.com.
Visit her at her place or follow her on Twitter… but for now, take in the wisdom she brings here.
Nicole – thank you for sharing your heart here. You are an amazing blessing to me!
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The darkest days of our marriage were the first few months after I learned that my husband had committed adultery. I had been well aware of his struggle with pornography but had been made to believe that it was “under control”. Over a year had passed since I had last discovered porn on his computer and I had come to believe that this scary, hurtful part of our marriage was behind us. I had shut out everything that had happened and naively hoped that if I ignored them, the painful memories would go away. We didn’t discuss it and our lives moved on.
When he confessed, or more accurately admitted, that his addiction had not only resurfaced but crossed a new line from virtual to flesh and blood I was devastated. At the time I was six months pregnant with our daughter and between the hormones and the horrible truth of a one night stand sent me into a deep depression. Everything in my life was suddenly muddy and unclear. Everything that I had ever thought about myself, my husband, my marriage, and my relationship with God was turned upside down by five little words:” I went home with someone”.
I never dreamt that I would recover from this. And at the time I seriously doubted that our marriage would survive. But somehow it did.
I could go on forever about all of the miracles that we witnessed in the years following his confession. I could fill this entire page talking about all of the ways that God has reshaped us as we submitted ourselves to His process of recovery, healing, reconciliation, and restoration. I wish I had hours to tell you about all the ways that God revealed his strength, power, character, and truth to us in our weakness. What I will tell you is that the most important thing I learned on this journey is that the magnitude of my faith is inline with the magnitude of my calling when I am in desperate pursuit of Jesus.
I clung to Mark 5 :27-28 each day during this time. It reads;
“When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought “If I just touch his clothes I will be healed”.
I needed to be reminded to desperately pursue the source of my healing and restoration. Even now when I am feeling lost, alone, hopeless or helpless I remind myself that if I press through whatever is crowding me out and can get close enough just to touch the very tip of the hem of his garment He will call me out of the crowd and restore me.
Are you willing to reach out & touch His cloak?
Do’s & Do Not’s
Since sharing our story of my affair, Brian and I have received bulldozer (we don’t have a bulldozer, so I don’t really know how big that is) amounts of emails, phone calls, and messages.
Some of the most encouraging emails we’ve received are from people who want to know HOW to prevent an affair. YES!!! This is the right question, because an affair is preventable if you are aware you’re not immune. I’ve replied to many emails already, but I thought I’d gather my thoughts a bit more linearly and post them here for dialogue.
You need to ask yourself how you’re doing in all these areas, and answer them honestly. I posted some of these questions over on this GUEST POST, but I thought I’d address “DO’s” and “DO NOT’s” in more detail here:
DO:
- Communicate: you need to talk to your spouse. Marriage isn’t a “happily ever after”… it’s a “once upon a time” so work it out. The reason God gave you YOUR spouse is to grow YOU in those specific areas. Communication isn’t one way… so if you’re the “talker” (like me) in the relationship, ask questions, shut up, and LISTEN. And most importantly… PRAY TOGETHER. Communicate with God TOGETHER.
- Have Sex: seriously… once a month (or year) is NOT going to do it. If you’re not connecting physically, that brings about insecurity. Insecurity does NOT belong in a marriage.
- Creatively Encourage: yes… your other needs to hear you say it. ”You should just know I love you” is NOT a good way to say “I love you”. And while you’re saying “I love you”, be creative with your words in WHY you love him/her. Make time in the day to text or call just to say what you appreciate about your spouse.
- Invest in Counseling: we all need a little bit of therapy! You cannot rightly say “It’s over!” if you haven’t tried everything. Yes, it costs money and yes, there’s a “stigma”. Who cares… it’s your MARRIAGE. We all enter into marriage with baggage. It is NOT fair to drop that on our spouse and say, “Your problem now!” Also, find good accountability. Find people that can tell you “no” or “you’re wrong” to your face.
- Plant a Hedge: we all have a “line” we don’t cross. I had it too… until I jumped over it and stayed there for awhile. Plant a BIG hedge in front of the line so even if you get bumped in that direction, you won’t cross that line. It probably wouldn’t hurt to plant a hedge around your marriage too. Here’s how…
DO NOT:
- Trash Talk: trashing your spouse in front of your friends is NOT ok. Do you realize you are the one who looks like an idiot when you do that? I mean, YOU’RE the one who married him/her. Also, sharing more information with someone other than your spouse is a HUGE red flag. The only thing worse is talking to them about your marriage. STOP and get out fast. You are swimming with sharks there, friend.
- Spend Alone Time with the Opposite Gender: No buts. I understand if there are business meetings that need to occur. Go to public places. Drive separately. Try to bring a third person. In a world of social media and emails, make sure your spouse has your passwords to everything. Make it impossible to hold any secrets from your spouse.
- Use Your Children: Yes… you. Don’t hide behind your children. Yes, your kids need you, but what they need most is to see Mom & Dad IN LOVE and working it out. It doesn’t hurt them to see you argue… but they NEED to see you resolve it. This also helps train them to deal with conflict in a healthy way when they’re older.
- Avoid Brokenness: this is where you’ll find your strength. This is where you find wholeness. It’s gonna hurt. BAD! But you’ll come out stronger in the end. Think Olympic athletes. They have to break down their bodies to become as strong as they are. Training is not comfortable.
- Withhold Forgiveness: bringing up the past when it’s already been addressed and dealt with is not going to help your marriage. I once heard someone say, “Not forgiving is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” It’s stupid. How do you move forward into the future if you’re clinging to the past. For some of you, the person you need to forgive the most is not your spouse… it’s you. Forgive.
I know many of you reading this may not have survived your marriage. I know many of you tried and did ALL you could, but it just didn’t work. I don’t even pretend to know that kind of devastation. I’m not necessarily speaking to you about any of this, but I will say there is something quite amazing about hope. I don’t know what that looks like in your life… but it’s there – as plain as the gray in my hair… it’s there.
We have no way of controlling our spouse. The only person you are accountable for is YOU. So, step up and DO what you need to do and DON’T do what’s going to hurt you.
Our Story (Part Four)
We shared our story with our church.
Our church wept with us. Our church celebrated our choice to fight the odds. We were prayed over, accepted, embraced and supported. We partially expected judgement, but instead, we received grace.
Brian and I were blown away by the amazing response.
We’ve experienced a death. A death in our old marriage. Our counselor wisely said, “I know you guys aren’t looking at divorce as an option, but a divorce MUST happen. You must divorce your old marriage and start new.” We still have bad days… this isn’t magic, but I can honestly say that we have WAY more good days than we ever had… even before the affair.
You may be wondering why I decided to “come out” with my secret. After all… no one would have ever known. You’re right. But God knew… and I knew. Not only was I NOT immune to an affair, but I was VERY capable of one. I really had to destroy any and ALL chances of this ever happening again. This was how. God’s desire for us is to live in truth… in the light. Nothing that lives in darkness can survive.
“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” ~Matthew 23:27
I was destroying myself with my secret. It was time to clean the tomb out. Besides, I didn’t need a tomb because Christ offers LIFE that’s eternal.
I’d like to say that this story has a fairy tale ending… a “Happily Ever After.” However, it’s more like a “Once upon a time…”
Even though there is still hurt and pain swirling around us, we knew it was time to break the lineage to generational sin. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me in revealing my ugly truth, but I knew I needed to FINALLY obey God, no matter the cost to me.
I can actually SEE God blessing our family because of our obedience. Brian and I are closer than we’ve ever been… EVER. We’ve been married since 2001. I’m not saying life is perfect or that we don’t fall into some of our old patterns, but OVERALL, I have never experienced life, love or joy like this.
It’s going to continually be up and down for us… but I KNOW I’m truly, honestly living an authentic life with no secrets holding me down.
God is healing Brian.
God is redeeming me.
God is restoring us to something greater than it ever was before.
Besides experiencing a REAL marriage and life with Brian, the best of all this is how deeply I’ve found myself falling for Jesus. I’ll be honest… I don’t always invite him into every part of my day. I sometimes feel like I need to protect JESUS from my dysfunction – as if Jesus needs to be protected from anything, but the good thing is I’m inviting him in more and more… and he is cleaning house!
In all of this, I no longer question if I married the “right” man. I now know, the “deep” feelings I had for that other man, though it felt VERY real at the time, was really just my projected need to be loved and desired. Brian has stepped up and become that. Or… maybe he’s been that the whole time, but I just didn’t let him in.
Brian KNOWS my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
Brian finishes my sentences.
Brian knows my thoughts just by looking at me.
Brian pursues me.
But GOD gives me confidence in all of this. Confidence in Brian.
We are very much still in the healing process and we have only made it to this point by the grace of God and the constant, unrelenting prayers of our friends and family.
“But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the doors of the jail and brought them out. “Go, stand in the temple courts,” he said, “and tell the people the full message of this new life.”
~ Acts 5:19-21
We’re hoping that by us sharing our story WHILE we’re in the midst of healing, that you can see the hope that is Christ Jesus. We hope you can see redemption is real and very possible for all of us no matter how ugly the sin looks. Our desire is you will stop hiding…
Believe it or not… you’re not alone.
You’re FAR from being alone.
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To read OUR STORY from beginning to end:
Our Story (Part Three)
Guest posted by: Brian Clayville
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The very thought of this was overwhelmingly humiliating for both of us. Jenni had just conquered several years worth of fear by telling me her most painful secret and now a week later, I was asking her to expose this ugliness to all those closest to us. She shut down in fear…
… but not for long.
Within 24 hours, Jenni did as I asked. Our Pastor and his wife, Matt & Cindy, were at our house the next night. Jenni shared her story boldly, even though she knew she could lose her job as the Worship Pastor at Church at Bethany. This was a big deal because we really needed this income. Our fear was quickly quieted and Jenni’s willingness to be honest was embraced. Matt and Cindy were gracious, forgiving and supportive. Not only did they choose to keep Jenni on staff, but they really helped us in many ways through our healing process. I can’t say many people in church leadership are like this.
Over the next few days, Jenni called our closest friends… the ones she had lied to and confessed her story. One of her first calls was to the wife of the man she had the affair with. That’s a whole different story, but I can tell you that she forgave Jenni and they are actively working through an amazing restoration in their friendship. The reaction from the rest of our friends and family were varied but most were very forgiving and full of grace. I was and still am so proud of her for being willing to risk so much and to be so vulnerable.
The months following didn’t get any easier. I guess you can say I was going through the grieving process. I pulled back from life. Several times, I wanted to give up on our marriage and just escape the pain. Maybe a handful of people checked in on me or called to encourage me… but this was rare. I’m not saying this is their fault, but the reality is people didn’t know what to do or what to say, so they just did nothing. Jenni and I had counseling but that was only an hour every week.
I felt abandoned.
The worst part was how distant I felt from God. I withdrew from Him just as I did from most people in my life. He felt so distant and irrelevant to me that I could not bring myself to pray or seek him with any consistency.
Finally, in mid-August, I knew it was time to stop focusing on my pain. It was MY turn to heal. It was time to come out of this desert. I asked God to use my horrible reality for his Glory. It was not clear to me what that meant or how I would do it, but I MADE that decision.
Jenni arranged a last minute trip to my parents’ house in La Grande. We spent a lot of time praying, being quiet and just BEING together. I found God again… right where I had left him. This weekend away became an instrumental time for our marriage. We were healing. Not just the pretend-stuff-it-under-the-rug “healing”… but we were falling in love again. Me and God… and me and Jenni.
We came home with a new hope, a new goal and a new future. We were like newlyweds. Everything was actually good, which was amazing because there was a time when I truly wondered if anything would ever be “good” again. My marriage was… no… is GREAT!
This was when God decided to do as I had asked – use my horrible reality for His Glory. In my quiet time with God, He spoke:
“It’s time for you to share your story…”
“WHAT??? Jen will NEVER go with this! She had a hard enough time telling those closest to us!” I argued back. But God was going before us in a way I had never imagined.
Jenni came home from her staff meeting that day and said, “Matt wants us to share our story at church… and I think it’s time.”
We knew this was God ordained. We knew it was time to finally obey God completely with our marriage. We were scared spitless. EVERYONE was going to know. EVERYONE was going to judge us… judge Jenni…
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Read Our Story in order here:
Our Story (Part Two)
Brian, my better half, is going to “guest-blog” and write the next two parts of our story:
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When Jenni broke the news to me, I was devastated to say the least.
I went and stayed with my friend, Todd, who had recently been through some hard times of his own. For the next few days, Todd gave me a safe place to talk, pray and have a quiet place to rest.
He listened to my story.
He comforted me.
He gave me space to process.
In my own reflection, I felt like such a small man. I had been too weak to confront issues that had obviously been inappropriate. Why had I not set stronger boundaries… been more protective and jealous? How could I have not seen this happening with my wife? After all… this was MY WIFE.
The next few weeks were an emotional roller coaster. There were days, I totally blamed Jenni and the other man (who was my friend). ”How could they have done this to me?” Those days, I just wanted a divorce because I thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore. However, there were also days where I just celebrated the fact that Jenni had finally been truthful with me. Though the news was devastating, she ultimately chose to honor me… risking everything by telling me about her affair.
I realized that I had come very close to losing the love of my life.
You see, Jenni grew up in an emotionally abusive home and had a lot of emotional scars that needed to heal. This didn’t stop at childhood. I have actually witnessed this during the time of our marriage. My wife had been walking on eggshells for 30 years. This caused her to build walls around herself for protection. She was ready for conflict at all times… even if she didn’t need to be. She NEVER felt safe, protected, or truly loved unconditionally. I didn’t know how to provide all she needed. Nor was I capable at that time.
Todd challenged me to stay by her and love her through the process. He reminded me that my boys needed a father AND mother working together to be Godly role models. That’s when I finally made the decision:
I wanted to make our marriage work.
The work of processing through where I had failed in our marriage looked me straight in the eyes. What I saw in myself was revealing and uncomfortable.
I rarely ever pursued Jenni.
I avoided anything that felt like conflict with her.
I never attempted heart felt communication with her.
I was not jealous enough as a husband and best friend to seek her full attention.
By not saying anything, I told Jenni she didn’t matter enough to me for me to fight for her. I didn’t protect her OR cherish her. Though she was the one who chose to splinter from our marriage vows, I knew I too was responsible for the breakdown of our marriage.
But the more I thought about this three year secret that had just surfaced, the more I realized I wasn’t the only person Jenni had hidden this part of her life from. For lack of better words, Jenni had lied to many of our close friends and family too. I asked her if she would go and tell them the truth.
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Our Story – Part One
Our Story (Part One)
In mid-2006, I stepped into an affair. This man… and his wife were couple friends of ours long before the affair began. However, the affair took flight after working deeply in ministry together. The affair lasted two years.
Even though Brian and I had become “glorified roommates”, I knew I still loved him. I obviously didn’t show it with my actions. I knew I never wanted to leave Brian… but I couldn’t believe how quickly and deeply I had fallen for this other man.
Could it be possible that I married the wrong man?
He knew my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
He could finish my sentences.
He knew my thoughts just by looking at me.
He pursued me.
He gave me confidence.
This man wasn’t an evil predator that seduced married women for his own gain. We were (inappropriately) BEST FRIENDS. Though he had made that first move, I was the one who hooked him and didn’t let go. Instead of seeking God or going to my husband, I used this other man to fill a very empty hole in my life. And because he was/is just another hurt human being in search for something, we fell deeper.
In the confusion of thinking I was in love with TWO men, the one person I really didn’t love…
… was myself.
As most do, my affair ended. I tried to LIVE with this deep, dark secret. I knew the other man would never say anything. No one would ever know. I thought I could live AND DIE with this secret. I thought I was protecting Brian and Chance by keeping this secret from them, when in reality, I was just trying to protect the very little of myself I had left. I was convinced that if I kept this to myself that I could MAKE this work. I knew if anyone ever found out, I would lose everything. Worst of all, I locked God out of my life.
I lived every day trying to make what I did wrong… right. It was all works based. I said to myself, “I CAN DO THIS!!!” And by some standards, I did. I was FINALLY being a good wife. I was dedicated to Brian… to Chance… to my church. But, I felt myself withdrawing from life.
Paxton was born November of 2008 and I fell into the deepest depression I had ever experienced. I blamed it on post-partum (partially true) but I knew where the root of my personal hell was coming from… and the worst part was, I didn’t allow anyone to come and help bear my burden. Not even Jesus. ESPECIALLY not Jesus.
Fast forward to April of this year. A couple we now consider good friends, Justin & Trish Davis shared their story with us. Long story short, Justin had an affair with Trisha’s best friend. In the pain of it all, they chose to work through it and stay married. I had HEARD about things like this happening but had never PERSONALLY known real people who stayed together after a full-blown affair. The part that stuck with me the most was how much God had restored Justin and Trisha’s relationship with Himself.
This was my hearts biggest desire.
I needed to tell Brian. I knew I could possibly lose everything. Brian could leave me. He could take the kids. I would be left friendless… family-less. My reputation that I had worked so long and hard at would be ruined… and I would deserve every bit of it. This would be the end of me.
For The Broken
Brian and I have gone public with our story, but we realize that not everyone likes to sit and listen to a podcast. So, we’ve decided to just write it down here.
We’re writing it for our records… for our healing… but we’re also writing it for you.
We don’t claim to be marriage counselors or relationship experts by any means. Heck, we’re still figuring out new things about each other on a daily basis. But we want to do this… because while we were in the midst of our darkest moments, the moments we thought our marriage was not going to make it, we felt completely alone. However, even though we FELT that way… the truth is, we weren’t.
Our hope is that where-ever YOU may be, even though you FEEL like it, you will know are NOT alone.
“Our Story” series will begin on Tuesday. We hope you will join us in praying:
- ** for the many out there who are still trapped in darkness.
- ** for the ones who are listening to the lie that they can never be forgiven.
- ** for the ones who think they are broken beyond repair.
- ** for the ones who really believe they are worthless.
- ** for the ones who have given up hope.
Here we are… a month after and really, we’re just starting to realize our story has very little to do with us… and much more to do with WHO God is in all of this. Jesus didn’t come for the well… he came for the broken.
He came for me…
…and he came for YOU.
He’s HERE for you.
Sarah Markley: Itches & Miracles
Today’s post is written by my sweet, beautiful friend, Sarah.
Sarah and Chad have quickly grown into irreplaceable friends for Brian and myself. Our lives intertwine in the most incredible ways. Chad’s cousin grew up in the high school small group Brian led… but the most miraculous must be the timing of which we met. Sarah & Chad’s story is a lot likes ours.
These two have been instrumental in surrounding us with prayer, checking in and supporting us as we took our story public. Everyone NEEDS friends like these. Find people who’s life stories are similar to yours. Stories that run parallel cultivate the most amazing friendships.
Thank you, Sarah, for writing your heart on my blog today. I love you!
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It hurts to heal. Or at least itches.
When I was a little girl I would scrape my knee/shin/elbow like all little girls do. After a band-aid was in place my father would tell me not to itch it. I would think, “It doesn’t itch yet, it just hurts!”
But he was right; as soon as the wound would begin to heal, it would begin to itch and I’d want to rip off the bandage and scratch scratch scratch until it felt better.
But what I didn’t realize was the itching it would have reopened the wound. The scrape, even if it hurt and itched, needed the environment of the bandage to heal.
And time. And then a miracle.
It’s the same with us. With our big stories and big wounds and I-don’t-think-it-will-ever-be-the-same situations.
Healing hurts: I remember when I began the process of healing from my years of destroying my own marriage and watching my husband heal at the same time how much it hurt. Almost all the time. And I know it was necessary — the breaking and tearing away of my old habits, my old perceptions about myself and the world, the grief from watching the first seven years of my marriage crumble. No memory for us was safe from what I had done to our life together. We had to mourn the death of our marriage and try to rebuild.
Healing needs the right environment: When we walked down the process of healing, my husband and I made sure that we created the right environment for our fledgling marriage to prosper. We went to weekly therapy sessions and sought the regular counsel of our pastors. We got rid of all the things that had been a distraction for us earlier including inappropriate movies, alcohol, and unhealthy relationships. We cushioned our baby-marriage with the things that would help to heal. We put a bandage on and tried not to scratch.
Healing takes time: And then we waited. And while we waited we did the right things, the things we’d been taught to do, the things that would help us climb out of the hole that we’d dug for ourselves. This part of it can’t be hurried and this is where discipline and patience comes in. We wanted to fix things with a word, with a conversation, with one therapy session, but that’s impossible. We are human beings with hearts that break and need time to be worked back to wholeness. So we waited. And sometimes we wanted to pull the bandage off and see the new skin grown back underneath. But it wasn’t finished yet.
Healing takes a miracle: And then there’s that. With a normal wound, even with the right environment and time, the body still needs to regenerate skin cells and rebuild capillaries that have been severed. This part of it is the miracle. I can’t force a miracle. It has to come from outside myself, outside of my control. God is the One who created a heart (and a marriage) and He is the miracle-variable. He ultimately does the healing. His hands fix wounded souls and relationships that have been shattered. Hope in Him mends all that’s been broken.
Pulling off the bandage even hurts sometimes. But the tender, healed skin beneath it is worth the waiting, the pain and the sacrifice.
Trisha Davis
Trish and Justin Davis are good friends of ours that have played a MAJOR role in where Brian and I are today (you can read HERE how we met and how God orchestrated our lives to collide).
I am beyond grateful for my friendship with Trisha. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders, encouragers and prayer warriors in the past seven months. All this to say…
Trisha just launched her own personal blog.
YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS THIS.
Click over. Bookmark it. Subscribe.
She has amazing wisdom to share. Read and allow her words to penetrate your heart.
I love you, Trish! Thank you, for being my friend!
I’m Mourning
I am in mourning. It’s a dark place.
I’m mourning:
… the loss of my old marriage. :: When Brian and I decided to divorce our old marriage, we didn’t just divorce the bad, the affair, and the breakdown. Because so many of our good memories were mixed in with the timing of the affair, we had to knowingly divorce ALL the memories… including all the good ones. Everything was tainted.
… the loss of my old integrity. :: Before the affair, I can honestly say I really lived life as boldly as I could above reproach. People trusted me. People sought out my advice. The act of the affair destroyed ALL of that in one fell swoop. I’m starting over BELOW ground zero now.
… the loss of good friends. :: It’s always been easier for me to befriend guys than girls. I’ve only recently (in the last 4 years) connected with more women… but I could safely say that “my ladies” were less than 50% of my friend influence. Post-affair, I have realized I CAN NOT have close friendships with guys… so THAT 50% PLUS of my friendships must change… HAVE changed. I have therefore “lost” more than 50% of my friends.
But TODAY is a new day.
Today:
… I get to fall in love with Brian again. :: My new marriage to the same man has introduced a love I have never known before. I get to tell him, every day, that I choose him. I get to experience REAL life with him, unbound from the chains of my past secrets. I get to be loved to a degree I have never known till now.
… I get to live a life of TRUE Restoration. :: The integrity I had before was a false sense of self. It became my obsession… another thing I could “control”. It made my “fall” a much scarier, longer drop from grace. Restoration, however, has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with Jesus. I don’t get to control this… so I can’t mess this one up.
… I get to invest into a deeper love with my girlfriends. :: Not all girls are mean. In fact, I have found the women of my life to be quite wise, truth speaking and loyal. Irreplaceable, actually. I get to spend 50% more of my time discovering a REAL community.
Though I’m still in mourning… today is a new day. Today, I get to kick Satan in the jingles and say, “YOU DON’T GET TO WRITE MY STORY!” I know that mourning these losses WILL propel me forward to the new life I have awaiting me… a better life. Today, I choose to live in the light. And with that… I say…
“Good Morning!”
The light of the morning will not arrive until the dark of the night passes.
What are YOU trading in this morning?
Running
This is the post I guestblogged over at Lynse’s portion of internet real estate a couple of days ago. In case you didn’t see it…
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I’ve been running…
Since I was seven years old, I’ve been running.
When my parents divorced… I ran.
When I couldn’t find my significance… I ran.
When I was building my career and life… I ran.
You see, it wasn’t just the bad things I ran from. I had no idea how to process or deal with life in a healthy way. I didn’t understand that running from the issue didn’t resolve or change the issue… it only “misplaced” me. When anything ever happened to me, good OR bad, I ran.
Each time I ran, I just found myself more… lost.
This practice of running quickly trained me to stuff my feelings, hide my secrets and eventually, I was such a good runner, I ran STRAIGHT into another man’s arms.
“BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.”
“Still” scares me.
“Still” means I have to FACE my problems.
“Still” means I have to admit my mistakes.
“Still” means I don’t get to be all jacked-up and hopeless anymore.
“Still” means I NEED grace.
But you know what?…
“Still” also means I get to breathe.
“Still” gave me time to heal my hurts.
“Still” means that healing was just around the corner.
“Still” gave me a second chance.
“Still” means resolution and restoration.
“STILL” was exactly what I needed.
I stopped running and let others catch up with me. I let others carry me (which to be completely honest was and IS very uncomfortable for me, but needed), and more importantly… when I stopped, I realized I had no reason for running.
I spent 23 years running… non-stop. I was tired.
My thirty-FIRST Birthday
Today, I am 31 years old.
When I was little, I thought 31 was old… like REALLY old.
I thought that by 31 I would DEFINITELY have it all together.
Well… here I am. Too old to be in love with Zac Efron and too young to get a face-lift.
And seeing that I only have one living grandparent left, I think I can safely guess that genetics would say my life is already half over.
But you know what?
… Thirty-ONE is a great number.
It took me 30 years to get to the point of complete honesty with myself.
It took 30 years to fall completely broken on my face.
It took 30 years to realize the walls I had built around me were suffocating me.
It took 30 years to finally set up appropriate boundaries of protection.
It took 30 years to experience what grace really is.
It took 30 years to see that love was real… even for me.
Today is my thirty-FIRST birthday.
My first year to fall in love everyday with my husband.
My first year to love those around me UNCONDITIONALLY.
My first year to extend the grace of God that is for EVERYONE.
My first year living with no hidden secrets.
My first year being 100% available to my children.
My first year being whole.
It’s my FIRST year. My life is only beginning.
God is in the business of restoring lives. This is the first year I’ll fully experience it.
Guess what???
Today’s the first day of the rest of YOUR life too!!!
Jenni on Skype: jclayville 
