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My Empire (Part Three)

September 24, 2009 in Adultery, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 8 Comments

My empire came soon enough.

I moved to Portland, Oregon.
I met and married Brian.
I finished college at George Fox University with a 3.96 GPA (Social & Behavioral Sciences).
I was a full-time Worship Pastor for Students.
I oversaw a ministry leadership team of 50+.
I conquered a 3-year battle with “infertility” and had Chance.

I, I, I… me, me, me… I had more than I would ever need. But it wasn’t enough. I ALWAYS had to be better… I always wanted more.

To be honest, I never TRULY thought I was “all that”. In fact, I was certain I was nothing… but I gave everyone around me the appearance that I had “arrived”. If I wasn’t the best… you bet I worked day & night till I was. If I knew I couldn’t be “better” than you in “that”, I made sure I was better than you in something else. I thrived on hearing those words, “Jenni is SO good at ______.” I had EVERYTHING to prove.

… and everything to lose.

To the public, Brian and I were the couple that had it all. We had the big house, the thriving ministry, the coolest friends, the cutest, most well-behaved baby… blah blah blah. But what was REALLY happening behind the scenes? I was a ticking time-bomb.

My worship band was being asked to play extra gigs. We had two recording projects under our belt. I was stealing time away from my family to “DO MORE” for Ministry. This made me feel important… after all, I was doing all this for God, right? In “doing more”, all I was really doing was becoming less. I was burning out.

I left Student Ministries. I was aware enough to know I had lost myself in all of this… but I had NO idea where to start looking for me.

About this same time, we started losing all our “stuff“. I no longer working. Brian’s business was no longer flourishing. We couldn’t keep up with our house payments. We already lost one of our cars to the “repo-man”, and we were in the process of losing our house.

Brian barely had ANY of my time, and when we DID have a “date night”, I was distracted, to say the least. Brian and I rarely talked, but when we DID talk, it often ended in a disagreement. The disagreement would end with me EXPLODING on him. This made it impossible for Brian to EVER want to pursue or be open with me.

I didn’t see it then, but I had become my Mother. I made Brian walk on eggshells. If we’re gonna REALLY be honest, I was just WAITING to see how far I could push Brian till he left me.

He didn’t.

That’s when I did the unthinkable. I dove head-first into an affair. The seven-year-old side of me thought I had finally found someone who really loved me and would pursue me. Finally. But the 28-year old side of me was ready to demolish my beautiful life… every blessing God had ever given me to show His love for me. I was about to ruin everything I had ever worked and hoped for because deep down, I didn’t believe I deserved any of it.

I was destroying my Empire with my own two hands…

(to be continued – stay tuned for the LAST of this series)

————–

Part One: In My Daddy’s Lap
Part Two: Floater

Our Friends Are Crazy

September 21, 2009 in Faith, Friends, Marriage with 2 Comments

During last week’s “PrayerFest” in prep for us sharing our story, many of our friends wrote VERY encouraging emails.

I had to share my favorite from Chad Markley (you can read about Chad and Sarah’s story HERE):

Tomorrow will get “hot” and maybe even unbearable at times. But remember like the three Israelite kids in the furnace….Christ was there waiting, he preserved them through it without a scratch or even the smell of smoke. Most of all, He used the intense heat to burn away the ropes that bound them. Tomorrow, He is going to burn the ropes that have been keeping you guys bound up!

We believe in you two, but even more so in the God that you represent.

You flip that King of Babylon the bird tomorrow and jump in that furnace head first!

We love you two.
Chad

This came in shortly after I took this picture of us Skyping:

Don’t worry… this only happened AFTER they prayed over us. Or… maybe you should worry. I’m not sure.

Everyone needs a friend that will tell them to flip the King of Babylon the bird.

Just sayin’…

Worship Confessional – 09.20.09 – “SIN”

September 20, 2009 in Church Planting, Faith, Family, Jenni, Marriage, Ministry, Personal Entries, Worship, Worship Confessional with 37 Comments

Today was a BIG day for us.

We had been asking for prayer because we, Brian and I, were sharing our story.

The Sunday Setlist today was:

Not To Us – Chris Tomlin
O Praise Him – David Crowder
O Worship The King – Chris Tomlin Version
Mighty To Save – Reuben Morgan (Response)

As you can see, we only had three songs (the 4th was in video form at the very end of the service)… because the sermon and our story took the majority of the service. I usually write about our sets and how the musical/technical portion of our services went in these Worship Confessionals, but today, it’s just MY CONFESSIONAL.

I want to encourage you guys to listen to the complete podcast of the sermon HERE on the Church at Bethany website , but we thought we would post JUST our portion here. It’s about 20 minutes, so get a drink and get comfortable:

Click here to listen to Our Story.

Though the majority of our support encouraged us and helped propel us forward to share our story, a couple of people tried to talk us out of it. We know that they were mostly worried for us and were trying to protect us, but in hindsight, we can see that it was Satan using them to try to keep us from sharing what he would have rather kept trapped in the dark. We say “in hindsight” because today was INCREDIBLY powerful. In fact, barely any of it was about us.

Yes, we shared OUR story of sin, forgiveness, hope and redemption… but what it really did, was allow people to realize the freedom they had in releasing their demons.

We discovered OUR story was not only OUR story, but so many others. We had a few couples tell us we basically just told THEIR story. I never thought God would use OUR story to help release others into the light… into HIS Truth.

Brian and I are SO glad we obeyed. We put our fear to the side, ignoring Satan’s whispers to hide. This morning was about SO much more than us.

God is in the business of restoration and healing.

Please continue to pray for our healing… and all those who stepped out of the darkness today. This is our “Once upon a time…”

Humbly in the Process of Restoration,

Jenni

P.S. Yes… I still have my job as the Worship Pastor at Church at Bethany. They have graciously been walking Brian and me through our healing process.

The Day Before

September 19, 2009 in Family, Marriage, Ministry, Personal Entries with 5 Comments

Sunday’s a comin’…

Tomorrow is when we will have no more secrets.

I’m not stepping into this lightly. Brian and I have been praying almost non-stop for a week about this. Tomorrow is going to be one of the scariest days of my life. I also know it’s going to be one of the most freeing as well. We’re hearing God clearly. We’re obeying him.. but it doesn’t make it any less scary for us.

We know we’ve been blanketed with prayer. We’re asking you crank it up a notch for us. I can’t go into details, but we’ve been hit a bit emotionally… so the more prayers, the better.

Thank you SO much!

Secrets

September 17, 2009 in Faith, Marriage, Personal Entries with 8 Comments

Brian and I were asked to share our story this coming Sunday at church.

Our story is dirty.
Our story is raw.
Our story is real.
Our story is STILL IN THE PROCESS.

God told us both separately this was where His next step in restoration was for us.
We both listened.
We’re both obeying.
I AM FREAKING OUT!!!

My friend, Crystal, wrote THIS POST today. And in all honesty… THIS is the life I feel I’m living.

I twittered this yesterday:

Zena Wozniak used to say this and it would crack me up. However, when you think deeper into it, this “cute” little kids saying holds a LOT of truth.

I felt (feel?) I needed to be quiet and keep secrets because that’s what my mother taught me as a child, “Don’t ever tell the outside world what’s going on IN the house.” Don’t get me wrong… some family things SHOULD stay just with the family. But what this “secrets” thing did was make me feel totally alone. I ended up creating my own beliefs:

I couldn’t trust anyone.
I couldn’t share my deepest hurts with anyone.
I couldn’t admit when I messed up.
No one really cares about me.
No one is safe… not even Jesus.

This type of thinking is not conducive to a marriage. It breaks a marriage down and makes it into something FAR different than what God intended for us.

My story will reveal this.

However… as we grow… we learn new things. Sometimes, the safest thing you CAN do is share with others. Sometimes the safest place is in the human barricade your community that will surround you. Your family SHOULD be your safe place, but unfortunately, in this sinful world, more times than not, it turns out the family is NOT the safest place.

Speaking of human barricade, our good friend, David, shared this verse with Brian and me last night.

“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” Matthew 23:27

It’s time for some housekeeping. Time to clean out the tomb and get rid of the things that are rotting inside. What Christ offers is LIFE. I don’t need a tomb for any secrets. All my secrets need to be brought to the light for me to experience TRUE freedom in Him.

In my new thinking… this is what I have found:

People CAN be trusted.
I CAN share my deepest hurts with people.
I CAN and NEED to say “I’m sorry”.
People DO care about me.
Brian IS safe… and so is Jesus.

Please pray for Brian and me the next few days leading up to Sunday. Satan is attacking HARD because he knows our obedience to Christ will bring God glory. Literally, the moment we decided we would do as God asked, “it” started to all hit the fan. We’re asking YOU to help be our barricade now. To pray and keep us safe till we’ve followed through with what HE has asked us to accomplish.

We covet your prayers!