One of the best things Brian and I did post-confession of my affair was seek counseling AND coaching. The biggest mistake we can make is believe we can do all this on our own. So, I urge you… go check THIS out.

PLUS… maybe you could win something awesome in the process.

Help us get the word out!!!

… Because every single one of us is worth fighting for.

I’m not sure what I was expecting in this whole ordeal… but what I got was worth more than any dollar amount.

Upon arrival, I was:
** tired
** burning out
** lacking creativity
** boxed in
** breathless
** restless
** spiritually dry

What I expected was some down time, get to spend some time with friends, moments of intimate worship (not planned out or developed by me) and a brilliant speaker to help re-align me and put me back on the Jesus track. And I got that… and SO much more.

In my time at this retreat, I found and got connected to the most healing peace I have ever felt. Nothing was rushed, the Holy Spirit guided… and we followed. Ian Cron (by the way… do yourself a favor and pick up his newest book, Jesus, My Father, The CIA and Me: A Memoir… of Sorts this Christmas holiday. One of the best books I’ve ever read!) was our main speaker, and he guided us through a journey of shalom, allowing us to address and recognize the parts of our lives that aren’t usually safe to mention in some Christian circles. He gave us time to grieve, celebrate, worship & just be.

For the first time in a long time, I felt truly pastored (and that’s coming from me… as a Pastor).

Personally, I found myself forgiving my mother at a whole new level. I forgave myself, the adulteress, at a whole new level, and forgave myself as a mother, the ways I’ve failed my boys already… and the ways I know I’ll fail them in the future. I like to call that “preventative forgiving”. One of the greatest things was getting to do this with others just like me.

It was profound.

Most importantly… I got REAL, HONEST time with God. In the few days I was there, God filled me fuller than I have been in years… maybe ever… and released me to be exactly what He created me to be. Flaws and all.

Upon departure, I was:
** revived
** ready
** full of creativity
** released
** excited
** rested
** spiritually drenched in Truth

I’m so thankful I got this opportunity to be even more restored. I’m grateful to get to take another step in my journey towards freedom.

I don’t know if they’ll hold this retreat again next year… but I hope they do. And if they do… I will move mountains to make sure I’m there.

Because in the end… I’m better for it.
What’s something you’d move mountains to do/keep doing?

Today was a rough day at Paseo. Not the service itself as much as just me. I woke up with a pretty raw throat. Every note seemed tough to sing this morning, but I asked all our attenders to help me out in leading this morning… and what’s cool is they DID!!!

I love my church family.

Our Sunday Setlist this morning was:
O Come All Ye Faithful – C. Frederick Oakeley and John Francis Wade
Restless – Audrey Assad
You Alone – David Crowder
How Deep The Father’s Love For Us – Stuart Townend
How Great Is Our God – Chris Tomlin
How He Loves – John Mark McMillan

Today was a simple day when it came to the band. It was just me on the keyboard, Abby singing with me & Guillermo on the congas. It was laid back… which was good… because our monitors kept cutting out. There were full verses where we were driving blind. I was hoping I was hitting the right keys and hoping I was singing in the matching keys of what I couldn’t hear myself playing.

It was rough.

But the main speakers were working. And when I thought it was horrible, I could look out and see arms raised and hear voices lifted on my behalf.

This morning, the people of Paseo Christian Church led worship. I merely chose the set. And it was FANTASTIC.

Nothing beats a family that will lift you up in worship when you can’t seem to quite make it.

How was YOUR Sunday?

We need it. All of us.

Granted… We’re not in physical danger and we’re most likely not in an unsafe place as we read this post (well… most of us aren’t ). But life is go, go, go with breaks few and far in between… and my past proves that can be an extremely dangerous and troublesome place if true priorities aren’t addressed and taken care of.

I won’t lie… if the opportunity to be given a break, a breath, a selah, a retreat, a covering, an extended moment with my Maker arose, I wouldn’t pass it up.

… And then, there was…

The moment I saw REFUGE pop up in my social media world, I wanted to go. Not a huge conference to get information blasted at me, but a retreat with people like me… creatives, leaders, worshipers and the unapologetically real in need of rest.

“We cannot lead and influence others successfully without taking time to stop, listen, and focus.”

Do you need a sabbatical?
Do you need a moment to breathe?
Do you need refuge?

Then consider coming with me. Come hang out with my girl, Mandy (and not only because she says “because” with way more vowels than is actually written in the English language), and me… and some other really RAD people, like this guy (Ian Morgan Cron):

I canNOT wait to listen to Ian speak live. If you haven’t read any of his books, at least check out some of his stuff on YouTube.

You can leave as you are now… but come home refreshed, renewed and restored… ready to continue being what it is God has created you to be. I don’t know about you, but I need and am TOTALLY ready for that!

So what do you say? Wanna come play?

Yesterday was my bi-monthly visit. I had my fruit, veggies, bread, cheese and some meat all loaded in my cart. I had carefully counted out exactly how much money I was about to spend, discounted with the use of my coupons and was ready to head out of the store JUST IN TIME to get our shared car home to Brian so he could go to work. Last stop, snack aisle to get some fruit snacks for Chance’s lunches.

As I turned into the aisle, a petite blonde gal stood smack dab in the middle of the aisle with her cart, reading over ingredients. Politely, I made my presence known:

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am… sorry!”
Her: “Oh… sorry! Let me move that.”

We do the grocery cart shuffle.

Her: “I can’t seem to ever get food WITHOUT the ingredients my son is allergic to!”
Me: “I understand! My youngest was allergic to everything before we had him treated. It was expensive.”
Her: “I just don’t think I’m capable of doing this anymore.”

Her lip started to quiver.

The next thing I knew, this beautiful, but extremely tired looking blonde unloaded. Within 30 minutes, I knew how burdened she was. She has 4 kids. One is allergic to LITERALLY every kind of food out there. Epipens fill his pockets. She’s spent the last 14 years working and saving money to keep him alive. They’ve driven all over Texas, New Mexico and more to treat his allergies and keep them from killing him. And now, her marriage is falling apart. Divorce papers have been filed.

As the contents of my shopping cart warmed to the temperature of Costco, I looked into this strangers eyes and held her hands. All I could see was devastation, exhaustion and the overwhelming feeling of being completely alone and isolated. I didn’t have any brilliant words. I just listened and asked more questions.

Then, before I knew what I was doing, I hugged her.

A complete stranger.
In the snack aisle at Costco.
I held her little body in my little arms.

I don’t know how long since this woman was hugged and told she was worthy… by a stranger, much less… but in that moment, I was reminded how much we all need each other.

We were made for community. Without each other… we wilt away to nothing.

I need you.
You need me.
At the snack aisle at Costco.
And anywhere else there’s breathable air.

I grabbed an old airplane ticket out of my purse and wrote my number and email address down for her. I invited her to Paseo and told her to call or text anytime she needed to. And she did tonight.

In all of this… I lucked out… ‘cuz I gained a new friend.
A new connection.
Increased my community.

And one day… when I need it most, my hope is a stranger will hug me.
Even in the snack aisle at Costco.
… Especially in the snack aisle at Costco.

When’s the last time you hugged a stranger?

In the last seven months since joining Paseo, the staff team has melted into a pretty tight-knit family. I’ve written times before that I felt each and every one of us served a specific purpose on the team and just about every need and area of concern could be covered due to the variances of each team members strengths and expertise. Steve has always been a part of that.

Steve has also lived here in El Paso (though he is a native Oregonian) the longest out of all the staff members and was the other start-up Paseo staff member alongside Greg. That’s a lot of history.

I know God has released Steve from his position here at Paseo… and part of me is extremely proud of him for following God’s prompting. The other larger and more selfish part of me is extremely sad to not have him be a part of the team anymore because he always helped make the difficult parts of ministry easier with his team work and lovable (and laughable) personality.

Aside from just the “work” side of it… The Jolly’s have quickly become good friends of ours. They are some of our favorite people. Anne has always made herself available to me and my kids (she’s a Nurse Practitioner) and has extended a lot of help and resources with our family not being medically insured. She has made life and health a lot more attainable and given us comfort within our spirits. Not many friends can do that.

Then, there are Steve & Anne’s kids: Abby & Caleb. Chance loves, loves, LOVES Caleb because he’s the bigger boy and Chance learns the most amazing things from him. Caleb has an incredible imagination and is a very good artist. Chance is a better artist and a more well-rounded, imaginative boy because of Caleb’s leading. Abby is older and is the most hands-on “Mama’s helper”. She is one of Paxton’s favorite people. He actually asks for her in the middle of the day or before he goes to bed sometimes (I would be more concerned about this if Pax was 16, but he’s 2). To know my baby loves someone that I know loves him back so much just melts my heart.

I know they’re not going anywhere as a family… but let’s be honest… you really have to put in extra effort in relationships when you don’t see each other on a regular basis. And though the Jolly’s don’t currently have any plans on leaving Paseo (as members) or El Paso… I think anyone who’s ever been in ministry knows we don’t get to make those decisions if we are really following God’s calling.

So, I’m conflicted. I want to be happy for them… for moving forward… for following God’s call to not be as comfortable… but all I really want to do is back up a few weeks and somehow help them change their minds… and God’s call in the process. Because I’m not like Steve & Anne…

I would prefer to stay comfortable in what I know.

How about you? Do you prefer COMFORT or CALLING?

———————

Sidenote: if you have a moment, please CLICK HERE and pray over every person on our staff team. It’s been a tough year, and it doesn’t look like it will be easing up anytime soon. Plus with the adjustments of losing a team member, the balance we currently know as a team will be tested and rebalanced. That won’t be comfortable… so please pray for us.

Thank you!