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Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken

August 10, 2011 in Adultery, Books, Faith, Friends, Marriage, Ministry with 53 Comments

The first time my friend, Cindy, guest-posted over here was two years ago in 2009.

All this means is we were friends for longer than that because I don’t just have anyone post here. I trusted her. I believed her words were worth reading. I knew everything she had to say could only add to any readers life. The only thing that was “strange” was Cindy and I had never met in real life. You see, our friendship had grown over sharing our lives with each other in the blogosphere and emails.

That changed in May of this year (2011). We finally got to give each other one of the most epic hugs while we were in Nashville, Tennessee. She was every bit what I expected her to be… but more. More beautiful. More gracious. More funny. More taller. No joke. It took two to three of my little Asian steps to match her one tall German goddess strides.

She’s amazing.

And one of the most amazing things she’s done is write the book below.

I was fortunate enough to get an early copy to review. It’s probably because Brian and I were interviewed by Cindy and featured in a small portion of this book. I don’t know why I get invited to do cool stuff like this, but I’ll humbly accept.

In “Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken“, Cindy brings us back to the day her husband, Chris, came home and confessed his unfaithfulness. Not one, but many. And within the many, one was pregnant. Cindy’s life would never be the same. Cindy doesn’t candy coat her story with Christianese or out of context bible verses, but articulately ushers us into her living room to reveal the greatest loves story of all, God’s redemptive love in the lives of the broken.

Cindy is raw but elegant in her honesty and graciously wise in describing her experience. Here are a few of my favorite excepts:

“If you are battling something, if you find that you are sinning the same areas over and over again, chances are that you believe a lie about who God says you are.”

“So many people don’t deal with their grief adequately. They stuff it down and try to be strong for everyone else, thinking they aren’t allowed to feel sadness or they don’t have time to step away from routine to truly grieve. But I can tell you with full confidence that even when people are depending on you, even when life has to go on you must keep moving forward, there has to be time for grieving.”

“When people go through situations that rock their worlds, that destroy their trust and even their hope in mankind, they want to fix whatever is broken – fast. Unfortunately, trust isn’t a destination we reach; it’s a path we walk. Every single day.”

“When we compare our sin with the sins of others, we turn our standard into a moving target.”

“Take time to examine your heart. It’s amazing – we long to have our significant other know us intimately and truly, and yet many of us have not done the work to uncover our true selves and needs.”

Cindy’s book is FULL of grace, conviction and truth. I have already recommended this book to many people going thru similar experiences of infidelity and will continue to for as long as infidelity happens.

If you have survived, are surviving or fear having to survive infidelity in your marriage, this book is a MUST READ. In fact, I’d even got so far to say that if you’ve ever had your trust broken or felt deceived by ANYONE, not even necessarily in infidelity, this book applies to you.

And I believe this so much, I’m actually giving away one free copy away to one of you (or you can CLICK HERE and just buy it… but play my game anyway, k?).

If you’d like a free copy of Cindy Beall’s “Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken”, all you need to do is comment below. I want to get to know you so enter by telling me what your favorite word is and why. I’ll randomly pick a winner by this Friday.

I’ll start:

“Restored” – because that is what I am. I love it so much, it’s tattooed on the inside of my left wrist as a reminder to myself. Being “restored ” is being seasoned, loved, invested in, better than new and having more character.

Your turn. And good luck!

Standing in the Gap

July 6, 2011 in Church Planting, Faith, Family, Life Experience, Ministry, Missions, Paseo with 20 Comments

A few posts ago, I asked what you wanted me to write about and you guys gave me some GREAT topics. So, I decided to go with my friend, Crystal’s, request first:

write about life as a missionary and the challenges and joys that come with it… as well as the life of redemption God is currently walking you through. what are you learning? what is God showing you to work on (cause we all know none of us have arrived yet).

I never thought I’d be a missionary. If I’m completely honest… I thought coming out after my affair would take me out of ministry permanently mostly because I was always taught sinners don’t have a place on the platform. Good thing that’s not true.

In fact, God not only restored Brian and my marriage but He’s currently redeeming our faith journey.

Being missionaries has been fulfilling and at the same time, absolutely alienating. We are in a foreign land. El Paso is in Texas, but we can LITERALLY see Mexico from where we are. Everyone here speaks Spanish. Everyone but us. I feel like I’m standing in the gap between “I know my purpose” and “what have I gotten myself into?”.

As surrounded and as embraced as we are by Paseo… we still don’t feel like we fit in. I still think this move was the best thing for our family unit. We’ve gotten to test the core of our family a bit in all this, and I can’t say I’m disappointed. I’m just saying following God’s call isn’t easy. However…

Community is happening here. Ministry is happening here.

In fact, Brian just left to go play poker at a nearby bar/restaurant. He goes, because there are regulars there. He goes because we’ve decided to be a PART of the community here… not call them to gather around us. Brian goes because two weeks ago, he got to share our story with a man there who isn’t churched. And in that conversation, that man asked Brian to meet with him regularly to talk about life… as it’s really lived. So Brian goes.

Our next door neighbor is going through a divorce. A divorce that is not his first choice. His Mom was just here for a month so she could watch his 4 year-old, Kristian, while he was on duty. He’s in the military so he’s gone days at a time. His estranged wife, who is abusive in ways that are unspeakable, agreed to sign divorce papers and hand over custody of Kristian if he would pay her a small amount (yes, she basically sold her child to him). He’s hurting. His little boy is hurting. So Chance and Paxton play with him. I share my wireless internet access with them.

I sat at their kitchen table talking to his Mom for two hours two weeks ago. I just listened. To the hurting heart of a mother for her beloved son and grandson. Of the grief over the dissipating dreams of having a relationship with her only daughter-in-law. Pain.

As much as I can’t yet say I fit in, I know without a doubt we are called here. We truly love the people and culture of El Paso. I don’t believe we’re called here to be healers or to fix anything. I feel we’re just called to actively BE here and let others know they’re not alone.

So… here we are..
… the whole Clayville Clan…
… with no agenda…
… just standing in the gap…
… till they let Jesus fill it in.

And in the times I’m most homesick for what is most familiar… I remember… not everyone gets to be and do what I’m being and doing. Not everyone takes the challenge to truly live.

Carpe Diem!
How are YOU seizing the day?

Brokenness…

June 8, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Guest Bloggers, Life Experience, Marriage, Ministry with 0 Comments

Today, I’m guest posting over at Leading and Loving It for ‘After the Wedding Wednesday.

In April of 2009, I finally told Brian about my affair. The affair had lasted two years, but I let it steal three from my family and me by hiding it and not revealing it in all its ugliness.

You see, secrets were something I kept well. I had a lot of secrets, so I thought, “why not just add this one to the list?” I never told ANYONE. I was never caught. But as I tried to keep this one hidden, it felt as if my soul was tearing away from me. The affair was no longer taking me away from my marriage and family, but now, I was stealing ME from myself. Worst of all, it was claiming everything I ever had with Jesus.

In my secrets, I was holding back any and every blessing I could have been or given to my kids and husband. I thought I was self-preserving… but in reality, I was self-mutilating my heart. I was failing at everything. In my quest to prevent complete brokenness, I soon found myself failing even that.

Brokenness ensued… and I embraced it…

To read more, CLICK HERE.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.

A Bit of Water

June 2, 2011 in Church Planting, Faith, Friends, Ministry, Paseo with 6 Comments

A couple of weeks ago, we had baptisms at Paseo.

I FINALLY downloaded my photos so I thought I’d introduce you to a few people and share their stories.

This is Maurice. Seven months ago, he walked onto a construction work site overseen by Rusty, a Paseo member, and asked for a job. Rusty… who is a natural shepherder, took Maurice under his wing as well as introduced him to Steve (our Community Pastor). Maurice immediately saw something amazingly different in his new boss, and in response stayed out of jail, was consistent in showing up for work and soon accepted Jesus into his heart. Maurice has been clean for almost 3 months now and was the first in his family and friends to invite Christ into his life. Steve baptized Maurice.

This is Amorette. And her dad, Vico, got to baptize her. When kids choose baptism, it always gets me. When parents get to baptize them, that gets me even more. I just keep imagining Brian hopefully baptizing our sons one day and I just light up. So often, we put kids in the box of “they’re kids and don’t really know what they’re doing…” but I remember being a kid and I remember knowing SOME things for certain. Just as certain as I am about those things today. This was one of the certainties I knew about at 12. And the reality is life only gets more difficult after this… so please keep Amorette in your prayers.

This is Mara. She’s Greg’s middle child and only daughter. She’s one of the most passionate people I know. And when Mara makes up her mind, very little can happen to steer her decision away. Mara is also good friends with Amorette… so it was really sweet to see two buddies make a decision to be baptized on the same day together… but separately. Seeing Greg & Jill’s face during all this just melted my heart too. We spend a lot of time with the Hunt’s so, watching Mara get baptized is watching a family member publicly declare her life for good.

This is Rosie. Three months ago, she found herself evicted from her apartment and homeless. Nick (our Leadership Resident for Community Engagement) and his roommate, Andy, gave her a couch to crash on so she could get back on her feet. In the process, Rosie began attending Nick’s Paseo Home group and found Christ there. She’s now on her own feet again and has a new best friend in Jesus. Sometimes, it really takes a rock-bottom to see really see Jesus for who He is… our SAVIOR. Nick, of course, got the amazing privilege of baptizing Rosie into our eternal family.

This exactly what Paseo is about.
This is exactly what my heart beats for.
This is EXACTLY why Brian and I uprooted our family, left everything we knew 1,800 miles away and raise our own support to do what we do down here.

Giving hope to the hopeless and changing lives for Christ.

Your turn.
Share a “hope” story with us!

Second Chances: Cindy Beall

May 26, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Marriage, Ministry with 5 Comments

My good friend, Cindy Beall, is one of the most gracious (and funniest) people I know.

What began as me reaching out and grasping for any little bit of hope (and a lot of blog stalking) after the confession of my affair, soon became a real life friendship. I finally got to hug her in real life for the first time two weeks ago in Nashville. We were both at the Leading and Loving It Retreat and what was amazing was when we first saw each other, it was like seeing an old friend again.

This is not Cindy’s first time guest posting over here in my little corner of my internet real estate. She’s posted HERE and HERE before… and this won’t be her last either. Cindy’s book, “Healing You Marriage When Trust Is Broken”, has just been published by Harvest House and will be available soon.

Cindy’s Blog: www.cindybeall.com
Cindy’s Twitter: @cindybeall

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The day my husband, Chris, confessed his unfaithfulness to me will be forever etched in my mind. One doesn’t soon forget that sort of experience. It rocks you. It damages you. It breaks you. It shapes you.

It changes you.

It is my belief that when marital unfaithfulness occurs, one has grounds for divorce. I believe the Scriptures speak to this in Matthew, chapter 5. For some reason God, in His perfect wisdom and revelation, said that the marriage covenant would be broken due to this sin.

I could have left my husband and many, including God, would have understood me doing so. But that didn’t mean I had to. Adultery is grounds for divorce but I believe that it’s also an opportunity for forgiveness, renewal, brokenness and a second chance.

The other day that has been indelibly carved into my mind is the day I decided to trust God to make something beautiful from the mess we got ourselves into. That day I decided to take God at His word when He says that in all things He works for the good of those who love him.

In the process of extending a second chance to my husband, I realized just how much forgiveness had been extended to me. From God. From friends. From family. I came to this conclusion: How in the world can I not give a second chance to someone when I’ve received so many myself?

So I extended that second chance my husband. It wasn’t easy. It was far from comfortable. It took every ounce of my being not to throw it back into his face.

And yet here we are…a little over nine years since “the day”. We are closer and stronger than we have ever been. We are more honest with each other and are truly best friends. These last nine years of our marriage have been so much better than the first nine years. God did all of this through two broken, willing people who simply said, “Our lives are not our own, God. Use them.”

We all need to extend second chances.

Love one another. Show grace. Extend mercy.
Because one day you will need it extended to you.

Second Chances: Mike Foster

May 25, 2011 in Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Ministry with 14 Comments

My friend, Mike Foster (along with Jud Wilhite) co-founded the People of the Second Chance movement. He’s helped manifest a safe and grace-filled place for imperfect people. A place where messed up people don’t have to feel as messed up. A place where the unaccepted can feel loved. A place where the sinner can experience grace… sometimes for the first time ever.

A place where someone like me can thrive.

POTSC allows people like me an opportunity to have God re-reveal His purpose in me. We all NEED a second chance. We all need to GIVE a second chance. And we need to BE the second chance.

I’m humbled that I get to call Mike a real friend. And one day, I can only hope that I extend the same amount of grace that I’ve been been shown in what Mike talks about.

POTSC’s Blog: www.potsc.com
Mike’s Twitter: @mikefoster

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We all have set opinions and beliefs about grace and second chances. If you’re like me often culture, church, upbringing, friends and my own prejudices have crafted these beliefs.

One of the most incredible things that I’m personally discovering is that grace is greater than I could ever of imagined. No seriously! It is wilder, radical and mind blowing than most of us think it is. I truly believe all of us are just beginning to touch the tip of the grace iceberg in our lives.

So what has caused this new thinking? Well…I’ve listened to the crazy awesome stories coming through People of the Second Chance. I have had the opportunity to connect firsthand with people and see how grace has revolutionized their lives. I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone and experimenting more with giving grace.

These things all add up to a much needed recalibration of my point of view. If I had believed in the power of a second chance before, I REALLY believe in its power now. So here are a few simple things I’ve discovered on this recent journey.

1. My ideas about grace are too small. Really waaaaaaayyyy too small. My doubts and fears still cause me to dramatically limit the power of giving a second chance. Grace has been boxed up and bubble wrapped for way too long. It is time for all of us to have more courage and take more risks in exploring grace.

2. A second chance is the greatest gift we can give someone. According to psychologists and researchers, one of the deepest core needs of a human being is a place to belong. Sex, food, water AND belongingness. When we give a second chance we meet this critical need. Judgment pushes people away but grace brings someone close.

3. Real grace makes me seriously uncomfortable. If it is 100%-pure-authentic- no-holds-bar-grace it should knock me out of my comfort zone and cause some serious tension. If it doesn’t do this then it’s probably something different than grace. Radical grace should leave me with questions and confusion…and that’s OK.

4. Grace is a lifestyle, not an idea. We can debate, discuss and preach all we want about second chances but that won’t change a thing. Grace must be unleashed in our day-to-day life. Our real beliefs about grace are carried out in our actions. For the guy who cuts you off in traffic. For the friend that stabbed you in the back. For the lady at work who drives you nuts. That is where second chance living is demonstrated and proved. Grace is a lifestyle choice and must deeply impact how we live and interact with the world.

WHAT IS PEOPLE OF THE SECOND CHANCE? from PEOPLE OF THE SECOND CHANCE on Vimeo.

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Thoughts?