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Refuge SSI

November 29, 2011 in Church Planting, Faith, Forgiveness, Life Experience, Ministry, Missions with 5 Comments

It’s been a month since I was in St. Simon’s Island, Georgia retreating with other ministry leader types at Refuge.

I’m not sure what I was expecting in this whole ordeal… but what I got was worth more than any dollar amount.

Upon arrival, I was:
** tired
** burning out
** lacking creativity
** boxed in
** breathless
** restless
** spiritually dry

What I expected was some down time, get to spend some time with friends, moments of intimate worship (not planned out or developed by me) and a brilliant speaker to help re-align me and put me back on the Jesus track. And I got that… and SO much more.

In my time at this retreat, I found and got connected to the most healing peace I have ever felt. Nothing was rushed, the Holy Spirit guided… and we followed. Ian Cron (by the way… do yourself a favor and pick up his newest book, Jesus, My Father, The CIA and Me: A Memoir… of Sorts this Christmas holiday. One of the best books I’ve ever read!) was our main speaker, and he guided us through a journey of shalom, allowing us to address and recognize the parts of our lives that aren’t usually safe to mention in some Christian circles. He gave us time to grieve, celebrate, worship & just be.

For the first time in a long time, I felt truly pastored (and that’s coming from me… as a Pastor).

Personally, I found myself forgiving my mother at a whole new level. I forgave myself, the adulteress, at a whole new level, and forgave myself as a mother, the ways I’ve failed my boys already… and the ways I know I’ll fail them in the future. I like to call that “preventative forgiving”. One of the greatest things was getting to do this with others just like me.

It was profound.

Most importantly… I got REAL, HONEST time with God. In the few days I was there, God filled me fuller than I have been in years… maybe ever… and released me to be exactly what He created me to be. Flaws and all.

Upon departure, I was:
** revived
** ready
** full of creativity
** released
** excited
** rested
** spiritually drenched in Truth

I’m so thankful I got this opportunity to be even more restored. I’m grateful to get to take another step in my journey towards freedom.

I don’t know if they’ll hold this retreat again next year… but I hope they do. And if they do… I will move mountains to make sure I’m there.

Because in the end… I’m better for it.
What’s something you’d move mountains to do/keep doing?

Change

November 11, 2011 in Adultery, Church Planting, Faith, Life Experience, Marriage, Missions with 1 Comment

My good friends, Justin & Trisha, asked me to guest post about transitions… and man, oh man, have we gone through transitions. So, I wrote. Here’s what I wrote:

Robert C. Gallagher once said, “Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.”

For most of my life, I fought against change. My life felt so chaotic I honestly believe my fight for control was justified only by the means of survival. However… once I wasn’t threatened by eggshells and every day chaos, I still hung onto that control (or perceived control) for dear life. Probably because I didn’t know any different.

But then, for the first time in my life… I knowingly hurt myself. In July 2006, I voluntarily broke my marriage vows and stepped into an affair that unfortunately lasted 2 years. I could no longer control any aspect of my life because the choice I made was uncontrollable. 3 years after the affair began, I confessed my infidelity to my husband.

In the process of confessing my biggest moral failure to my husband, then to my closest family & friends, then to our outer circle, and finally publishing it for all to read and watch… I was finally truly letting go of my grasp on control and truly giving it to God, trusting Him to really take care of me better than I could take care of myself. It was amazing. Without me behind the wheel, I saw so much more around me because I wasn’t focused on the unending road in front of me. I could take in the beauty effortlessly. And while I was taking it all in, God was restoring me, my marriage, my family and my heart.

I gave Him even more of me. In fact, I gave him my gifts, my talents, my desires… my life. And what did He do???

… Read the rest HERE at RefineUs.org

Standing in the Gap

July 6, 2011 in Church Planting, Faith, Family, Life Experience, Ministry, Missions, Paseo with 20 Comments

A few posts ago, I asked what you wanted me to write about and you guys gave me some GREAT topics. So, I decided to go with my friend, Crystal’s, request first:

write about life as a missionary and the challenges and joys that come with it… as well as the life of redemption God is currently walking you through. what are you learning? what is God showing you to work on (cause we all know none of us have arrived yet).

I never thought I’d be a missionary. If I’m completely honest… I thought coming out after my affair would take me out of ministry permanently mostly because I was always taught sinners don’t have a place on the platform. Good thing that’s not true.

In fact, God not only restored Brian and my marriage but He’s currently redeeming our faith journey.

Being missionaries has been fulfilling and at the same time, absolutely alienating. We are in a foreign land. El Paso is in Texas, but we can LITERALLY see Mexico from where we are. Everyone here speaks Spanish. Everyone but us. I feel like I’m standing in the gap between “I know my purpose” and “what have I gotten myself into?”.

As surrounded and as embraced as we are by Paseo… we still don’t feel like we fit in. I still think this move was the best thing for our family unit. We’ve gotten to test the core of our family a bit in all this, and I can’t say I’m disappointed. I’m just saying following God’s call isn’t easy. However…

Community is happening here. Ministry is happening here.

In fact, Brian just left to go play poker at a nearby bar/restaurant. He goes, because there are regulars there. He goes because we’ve decided to be a PART of the community here… not call them to gather around us. Brian goes because two weeks ago, he got to share our story with a man there who isn’t churched. And in that conversation, that man asked Brian to meet with him regularly to talk about life… as it’s really lived. So Brian goes.

Our next door neighbor is going through a divorce. A divorce that is not his first choice. His Mom was just here for a month so she could watch his 4 year-old, Kristian, while he was on duty. He’s in the military so he’s gone days at a time. His estranged wife, who is abusive in ways that are unspeakable, agreed to sign divorce papers and hand over custody of Kristian if he would pay her a small amount (yes, she basically sold her child to him). He’s hurting. His little boy is hurting. So Chance and Paxton play with him. I share my wireless internet access with them.

I sat at their kitchen table talking to his Mom for two hours two weeks ago. I just listened. To the hurting heart of a mother for her beloved son and grandson. Of the grief over the dissipating dreams of having a relationship with her only daughter-in-law. Pain.

As much as I can’t yet say I fit in, I know without a doubt we are called here. We truly love the people and culture of El Paso. I don’t believe we’re called here to be healers or to fix anything. I feel we’re just called to actively BE here and let others know they’re not alone.

So… here we are..
… the whole Clayville Clan…
… with no agenda…
… just standing in the gap…
… till they let Jesus fill it in.

And in the times I’m most homesick for what is most familiar… I remember… not everyone gets to be and do what I’m being and doing. Not everyone takes the challenge to truly live.

Carpe Diem!
How are YOU seizing the day?

Worship Confessional – 03.20.11

March 21, 2011 in Church Planting, Faith, Ministry, Missions, Paseo, Worship Confessional with 2 Comments

Here’s my attempt on a Worship Confessional away from home.

This week, Brian’s parents are treating us on a Spring Break family vacation in Phoenix, Arizona. This is where Mom grew up so about a year ago, we planned on coming here to visit grandpa and spending some family time together. Little did we know back then that we would be moving to El Paso, Texas which is only a six hour drive away from Phoenix.

I wasn’t at Paseo this week… and from my understanding, it was a TOUGH morning of setting up for our church plant. The coffee shop didn’t open on time for us and left the set up team standing outside for an hour. The good news is they finally got there and our amazing team pulled a full set up of in 30 minutes. The bad news is they didn’t get the podcasting set up in time so we don’t have one this week.

Roberta Sanders led while I was away… which meant it was great!
Her Sunday Setlist was:
1. Glory To God Forever – Steve Fee
2. Beautiful Lord – Leeland
3. Come and Listen – David Crowder Band
4. How He Loves Us – John McMillan
5. Hungry – Kathryn Scott

We also didn’t get the sound hooked up in time for the video to run, but since it was done, I can post it here. Deb shared her story on what it meant to be a community of justice in El Paso, Texas:

I love how Deb is so truly honest about her heart and past generalizations towards others unlike her but also how God changed her heart by her simply choosing to be obedient in service. She stepped out of her comfort zone to reveal more of God’s justice system, which doesn’t always match up with OUR justice system.

How about YOU? How does YOUR community experience justice through YOU?

Transitions…

January 14, 2011 in Adultery, Church Planting, Faith, Family, Guest Bloggers, Life Experience, Marriage, Ministry, Missions, Paseo with 1 Comment

RefineUs.org has been doing a series on Transitions and I was asked to guest post over there today.

Check it…

My first 20 years of life was spent under a roof of overbearing control and dysfunction. I learned if I could level out the flux of change, I was better off. The more my surroundings stayed constant, the better I could deal with the unexpected. The more I prepared my harness of control, the less the eggshells would crack under my feet.

I learned CHANGE would hurt me. Change was bad.

So I lived my safe Christian life. I thought if I stayed safe, I could protect my heart and keep it from being trampled on. I kept my heart from everything. From my husband… and even from God. The only thing I fought for was control. Man, was I feisty when it came to control. And it worked… until I lost ALL control and broke myself.

Something crazy/amazing/painful/exhilarating happens when you transition from being broken by other people to breaking yourself. If you’re being completely honest, your heart transitions from allowing yourself to make excuses to having nowhere… and no one left to blame…

… You can read the rest here at RefineUs.org...

Check out all the previous posts too! Some really great writers in this mix.

Thanks, Justin & Trish, for hosting me today!

Three things

December 29, 2010 in Church Planting, Faith, Family, Ministry, Missions, Paseo with 8 Comments

There’s only a couple more days left in the year, and there’s three things that we typically do at this time:

1. We reminisce about the year that is ending and think about the good times and the bad, the funny times and the sad.

2. We look forward to the coming year and consider the changes that we want to do and the goals we want to achieve.

3. We find ways to divert our money away from the tax man and look for good causes to support.

Here are my three things:

1. 2010 finds us answering a call for an adventure

2. 2011 brings us an 1800-mile change of address

3. and along with that, a need for your partnership and support!

And here’s how I can help you with your three things:

1. I would love to share a memory I have of/with you… or maybe a funny story I think of, when I hear your name.

2. Please, please, please… let me tell you what you should change!

3. And boy, do I have a great cause for you to support! (It’s all tax deductible, after all!)

Will you take me up on my challenge? Who’s in this with me?