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It’s my birthday. Today, I turned 33. It’s been a good day so far…
… but it is extremely bittersweet.
Last night, my sweet friend, Sara, went Home to be with Jesus. She was SO sick… her body kept her captive… but today, she is painless and free.
We knew two weeks ago this day was coming. Strike that. We knew 4 years ago this day was coming. Our girl hung on for a long time. But it was time. Because there is a time for everything.
Time.
Two days ago, my friends, Shane & Brandi, gave birth to a beautiful, healthy boy named Jude. He’s gorgeous. He smells like a fresh baby (Moms… y’all know what I’m talking about!) and when he cries, it is that sweet, gentle, cooing cry.
I got to hold him today and looked deep into his eyes. His sweet baby’s breath as his proof of life. And as I held him I couldn’t help but see Sara. Somewhere in the last 2 days, a swap happened. Life happened. Death happened. Time happened.
Not that Jude’s life is somehow a swap for Sara’s. Not at all. But time happened.
Jude is here.
Sara is gone.
I turned 33.
Time.
And Sara has taught us how to use our time well. Every minute Sara lived pointed upwards… to someOne bigger. And I want to live like that too.
Today… my birthday wish is for prayer. That you would pray for Sara’s family and friends as they mourn and celebrate her amazing life. That you would pray for Jude — the amazing life he has been blessed with and that he gets to know Jesus as his own personal Savior at an early age. And for me… in my bittersweet… to taste more of the sweet because that hint of bitter is present.
And for the present. And that it’s used for His glory.
Choose Joy: Sara Frankl
My sweet and beautiful friend, Sara (we call her Gitz), has been sick for a long time.
We met 3 years ago through the blogosphere and somehow connected strongly. Since then… she’s been present through every single one of my life altering situations. All from the confines of her small condo. She even attended Brian and my vow renewal from her home with some live video help from Brent.
Sara has Ankylosing Spondylitis. This life stealing disease eventually kept her homebound. And now… hospice has arrived to take care of her in her last days.
All of us knew this day would come. We just didn’t really think it would come so soon. She’s young. She loves Jesus. She’s a part of our lives.
I watched her get sicker.
Chance watched her get sicker.
We’ve been video chatting quite a bit in the last 3 years… and on good days, she’d only lunge forward in pain maybe 5 times. On the worst of days, we would have to cut the chatting short. Then she’d send a text afterwards apologizing even though there was absolutely no need for the apology.
At the beginning of our video chat relationship, Sara used to turn the webcam when pain hit… which only caused me to worry more because I then couldn’t see if she was going to “alright” afterwards. But Chance usually sat in with us on this chats, and Sara did that to protect him. She didn’t want him to get scared. And I love her for that.
Though Sara was confined to her home due to her illness, her spirit was NEVER confined there. A disease like this can cause you to look inward, feel sorry for yourself, lose hope and shut down. But not Sara.
Sara has always been present and alive.
We were a part of the same LifeGroup Online through much of my most difficult times. She sent me “this-song-made-me-think-of-you” emails as I was healing. And Sara made sure I was always stocked with her self-made personalized stationary. She always made me laugh at how creatively she could string words together to make a sentence. And she is a prayer warrior. I knew she was ALWAYS praying for me, my family, my marriage and my kids. And her insight into the Word of God… her insight… there are no words.
Sara made my life better. More joyful. She has taught me a lot about joy. About CHOOSING Joy.
Last night, while putting Chance & Pax to bed, Chance prayed for “Gitzy” as he often does… but tonight he prayed:
“God, please make a miracle and heal Gitzy’s body so she can visit us soon.”
I didn’t know what to say then. I just cried. But this morning… I know his prayer will be answered. Not the way he expects. But God is going to heal Sara’s body 100%. And we WILL see her soon.
In tears, I say this. I know Sara’s body has had all it can take. She’s ready to leave this life of pain and be with Jesus. She’s ready to take a full breath in again. She’s ready to go Home and laugh without pain. To run without needing to stop. To have no more restrictions. And it’s time. But I’m not ready for Jesus to take her Home. I’m just being honest. I feel heartbroken. And selfish. And I know if she knew, she would tell me to stop crying. Because she’s ready to go Home.
Thank you, Sara, for the imprint you’ve made on my heart. You will live forever on earth through our hearts. So many love you because you have loved so many.
I love you. Greatly.
And though you leaving us here SUCKS. I’m Choosing Joy.
———-
You can read more posts about Sara at Jessica’s.
And my favorite tribute to her by Matthew.
Helpless
I hate feeling helpless. In all areas of my life. And though I can honestly say that I embrace the feeling of helplessness a lot more than I used to…
… I still hate it.
The two worst kinds of helplessness (in my opinion) is in natural disasters and watching your children suffer. Combine the two… and I’m not sure I would survive any of that mentally or emotionally. I fortunately haven’t had to ever endure the double whammy and pray hard that I won’t ever have to… but this week, I watched one of my children suffer.
Chance started with a dry cough two Wednesdays ago, the day before school started. The cough hasn’t gone away, but it wasn’t paired with congestion or fever… so we just watched him. The cough got worse. More frequent. Still no pairings but it kept him (and the rest of the house) up at night. Other than being exhausted during the day, he still seemed “fine”… till last Thursday.
He had the school call for us to pick him up from school. He had a low grade fever (99.6*… honestly, I think everyone runs hotter here in El Paso) and so we did. That afternoon, he seemed fine. He even tried to weasel his way into playing games and watching movies. I gently told him, “If you come home from school sick, there are no games, no toys and no movies. All you get to do is nap and read.” That made him want to go back to school.
But then, the next day, he was still in bed asleep at 7:45am. This is rare for our kids. They’re usually up at 5:30am, praising Jesus and such (not really). I just called in sick for him. At certain points in the day, Chance would cough so hard and for such long periods of time, he would turn completely red & purple. I tried not to show panic, but I knew he couldn’t breathe.
His birthday party was on Saturday. I thought about canceling it, but again, by afternoon, he seemed fine.
Saturday came and went… all seemed well. Other than being a bit tired and slow, Chance seemed normal. But then on Sunday… OH SUNDAY… the boy basically slept all day. And when he woke up from his nap, he had a small rash on his left cheek. After dinner, it spread to under his chin, and by bedtime, it was all the way to his right cheek as well.
I panicked.
I took pictures and texted them to my friend, Anne, who also happens to be the NP at Chance’s Ped’s office. She said not to panic (yeah… right!) and to come in first thing in the morning.
8:30am rolls around and Chance and I are the FIRST ONES in that office. What’s interesting was when Chance woke up in the morning, his face was completely clear. We had nothing to show Anne there… but she did discover that Chance couldn’t take a deep breath without coughing and had an ear infection.
Chance’s very first ear infection.
Well… he got his first swimmers ear earlier this summer… but it’s not quite the same thing.
Thank God for Medicaid for the boys because Anne could prescribe the exact medications Chance needed to kill this virus without any extra cost to us. We came home with a nebulizer and meds for his ear infection and cough. Well… sort of. He went down for his nap first before taking any of that and woke up like THIS:
No itch. Not warm to the touch. No raised bumps. He didn’t even know he looked like this till I showed him this picture.
Before you ask, no I didn’t change detergent, lotions, or anything else that would cause this. And within the hour, the rash disappeared… again.
Always after his nap. The only thing I could think of was he must have brought an allergen home and shared it with his bed so I took all his bedding and sleep loveys and tossed them in the wash. On HOT.
I honestly think it’s allergies. I had really horrible asthma AND eczema as a kid and ”outgrew” it (even though I still get it if I hang out with cats too long) so Chance could very well be experiencing the negative sides of my gene pool.
All this to say… I feel HELPLESS. I’m doing my best for my little boy… but his little body just has to fight the rest off.
So, I’m asking you… in my helplessness… please help me. Pray for Chance. Pray for me. Pray for all of us.
To end it on an upper… Chance looks, feels and acts a LOT better since starting his meds today. Here’s the video we took from tonight:
I’m hoping with all his clean bedding, he’ll wake up good as new. I’ll keep you updated.
Thank you in advance for intercessing on our behalf!
Conflicted
Last Sunday, Steve (our Community Pastor), announced he was leaving his on staff position at Paseo.
In the last seven months since joining Paseo, the staff team has melted into a pretty tight-knit family. I’ve written times before that I felt each and every one of us served a specific purpose on the team and just about every need and area of concern could be covered due to the variances of each team members strengths and expertise. Steve has always been a part of that.
Steve has also lived here in El Paso (though he is a native Oregonian) the longest out of all the staff members and was the other start-up Paseo staff member alongside Greg. That’s a lot of history.
I know God has released Steve from his position here at Paseo… and part of me is extremely proud of him for following God’s prompting. The other larger and more selfish part of me is extremely sad to not have him be a part of the team anymore because he always helped make the difficult parts of ministry easier with his team work and lovable (and laughable) personality.
Aside from just the “work” side of it… The Jolly’s have quickly become good friends of ours. They are some of our favorite people. Anne has always made herself available to me and my kids (she’s a Nurse Practitioner) and has extended a lot of help and resources with our family not being medically insured. She has made life and health a lot more attainable and given us comfort within our spirits. Not many friends can do that.
Then, there are Steve & Anne’s kids: Abby & Caleb. Chance loves, loves, LOVES Caleb because he’s the bigger boy and Chance learns the most amazing things from him. Caleb has an incredible imagination and is a very good artist. Chance is a better artist and a more well-rounded, imaginative boy because of Caleb’s leading. Abby is older and is the most hands-on “Mama’s helper”. She is one of Paxton’s favorite people. He actually asks for her in the middle of the day or before he goes to bed sometimes (I would be more concerned about this if Pax was 16, but he’s 2). To know my baby loves someone that I know loves him back so much just melts my heart.
I know they’re not going anywhere as a family… but let’s be honest… you really have to put in extra effort in relationships when you don’t see each other on a regular basis. And though the Jolly’s don’t currently have any plans on leaving Paseo (as members) or El Paso… I think anyone who’s ever been in ministry knows we don’t get to make those decisions if we are really following God’s calling.
So, I’m conflicted. I want to be happy for them… for moving forward… for following God’s call to not be as comfortable… but all I really want to do is back up a few weeks and somehow help them change their minds… and God’s call in the process. Because I’m not like Steve & Anne…
I would prefer to stay comfortable in what I know.
How about you? Do you prefer COMFORT or CALLING?
———————
Sidenote: if you have a moment, please CLICK HERE and pray over every person on our staff team. It’s been a tough year, and it doesn’t look like it will be easing up anytime soon. Plus with the adjustments of losing a team member, the balance we currently know as a team will be tested and rebalanced. That won’t be comfortable… so please pray for us.
Thank you!
“Don’t Deserve A 2nd Chance!”
Saturday nights are my Sabbath.
I don’t watch tv shows. I don’t read blogs. I don’t surf the internet. And I rarely read my emails. I protect this night because I want to protect my heart in preparation to lead worship the next day.
However, this last Saturday… for some reason, I chose to log in.
Three weeks ago (and a rerun the following Monday), Brian and I were featured on a show called “Unfaithful” on the Oprah Winfrey Network (I wrote more about it HERE). I’ve somewhat been unplugged the last three weeks due to mission teams being in town, moving and then a family reunion in Oregon so I haven’t really been up on responses from that other than emails that have come in from my contact page on my blog.
That Saturday, we finally had our home office somewhat up and running. I was getting ready for bed and putting the final touches on our ProPresenter graphics for Sundays services when I decided to check out the OWN website.
That’s when I noticed 5 comments under the video with my face on it.
I shouldn’t have… but I clicked to read them.
Then I cried.
Anonymous strangers (or maybe not strangers) basically said I basically got off way too easy, did not deserve a second chance, and had no soul. Then, there was the 5th comment that said I lied about my affair not being physical to save my job. Obviously that person either went to my old church and misheard or received this information second hand (which by the way, HERE’S the recording from that day… and I definitely didn’t say that).
My initial reaction was sadness. I wasn’t angry. It stung, but I can’t say it really even wounded me deeply. Half of what they were saying was true. No, I didn’t lie about my affair to my church to save my job (besides, I believe an affair is an affair, emotional or physical. Your heart still leaves your marriage vows and God clearly says what’s in your heart matters) and I DO have a soul… but they’re right in saying I don’t deserve a second chance.
In the past, I would have been pretty wrapped up in what these faceless people were saying about me. I would go in and defend myself. I would link them to my written and recorded story here on my blog. I would want to set them straight. But today, I’m different.
It doesn’t really matter what they say. It barely matters what I say. I don’t need to defend myself. No, OWN didn’t portray our story exactly they way I would have chosen to, but how else are you supposed to smash 20+ hours of recorded footage into 20 minutes of play time. I don’t blame them. I don’t blame anyone.
The reality is these are some of the consequences that come with the choices I made in the past. The other reality is these commenters have some deep hurts in their lives that are also undealt with. So I prayed for their hearts. Brian and I read these comments again together and prayed for restoration in their lives.
The next day, I went into worship leading “Our God” with these words:
Our God is Greater. Our God is Stronger.
God, You are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in power, our God!
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, the what could stand against?
And that’s the Truth… no matter what.
No, I don’t deserve a second chance… but I am humbled and grateful I get one.
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