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Words

February 23, 2010 in Childhood, Faith, Life Experience, LifeGroup Online, Personal Entries with 36 Comments

As a small child, I remember my WORDS were my source of survival.

It didn’t matter if I told the truth or not… if my mother came home in a bad mood, and the surroundings weren’t exactly to her liking, you’d have to brace yourself. Most of the time, we braced ourselves emotionally… because my mother’s WORDS were her ammunition of choice, shooting at us fast and for long periods of time (I think my longest “lecture” of being told I was a waste of space lasted 5 hours on a Saturday). But if we weren’t careful with the WORDS we exchanged with her, we would also have to brace ourselves physically.

By the age of 10, I had not only learned to angle my body “just right” to protect more and hurt less from a “spanking”… but I had also carefully crafted my speech (and sometimes lack of) to manipulate situations with my mother so that I could avoid being shot at with her WORDS. And when I was “shot at”, I learned to angle my heart “just right” so I could protect more and hurt less.

When you grow up this way, you learn one of two things:

1.  WORDS mean EVERYTHING and you live life CARING too much what people say.
… or …
2.  WORDS mean NOTHING and you live life not BELIEVING what people say.

I am the second.

My LifeGroup Online is reading through the Bible right now and something that really struck me is how much WORDS meant in Old Testament time. Your WORD was your WORD. There was no need for a signed contract or need to doubt that someone might be lying because if they spoke it… it WAS. Their WORDS were blessings or they were curses. But what they said was final.

In Bible times, nations rose through the blessings of a father. I can no longer guard my heart from WORDS that curse… because in doing so, I’m causing more damage. By not allowing WORDS to bless me, I’m stunting my potential growth. I also cannot continue to allow my WORDS to be protective shield. By not allowing my WORDS to bless others, I’m prohibiting God from using me as He created me.

My WORDS are no longer my source of survival. They’re much more than that… I need to be intentional about my WORDS to my husband, to my children, to my family and to my friends.

My WORDS must bless… not curse.
My WORDS must encourage… not tear down.
My WORDS must instill truth… not stir-up lies.

What do YOUR WORDS do?

She’s Dying…

February 11, 2010 in Family, Garden, Motherhood, Personal Entries with 11 Comments

Vicki… Allison’s mother, is dying.

Alli is one of my closest friends… and her mother has ALWAYS been HER best friend. And, quite literally, at any minute, Vicki will be with Jesus. My heart hurts for Alli.

In all this happening so close to me, I keep trying to understand how she’s feeling…

… but I can’t.

I wish I could… but I just can’t. It feels as if I almost have an emotional barrier up that I can’t tear down because I don’t have the right tools.

I mean, I cry for Alli because I SEE she’s hurting and I pray for their family because I know they are devastated. They want MANY more years with Vicki… but won’t have it. But hurting FOR her is very different than feeling and understanding it for MYSELF.

My mother and I have never been close. I’m quite certain my mother never really wanted children… but she got us, so she did the best she could, which unfortunately, wasn’t all that great. I can’t speak for my sisters… but there’s a piece of love that I don’t understand or FEEL. I know HOW to love (to the best of my ability). I mean… I LOVE my husband and I LOVE my sons… but I don’t know how to RECEIVE love.

Part of me believes if I allow myself to receive love, then I’ll owe that person something I don’t want to give up later. Another part believes I’m not worthy of said love. And finally… the majority of me just doesn’t know how to accept it. Quite literally… I don’t know what to do with it once I’ve been handed a piece of someone’s heart. Weird? Yeah, I know.

Vicki OBVIOUSLY was and is an amazing mother and person. I remember a few years back, I “won” something from Jay (Alli’s husband) and as part of the gift, Vicki baked me some goods. She was sick, and REALLY didn’t need to bake me anything, but she did… out of love.

I want to be like Vicki.
I want to leave an incomparable legacy with Chance and Paxton.
I want my grandchildren to cherish my words to them.
I want to LOVE like Vicki…

… but more importantly… I want to BE loved like Vicki.

However, right now, I’m not allowing anyone to REALLY do that. Not even God. And without love… I’m dying.

I know I can be healed though. I know… and I also know, that very soon… Vicki’s body will be healed. Not her physical body… but the body that gets to live eternally with Jesus. An unbroken, unhurting, PERFECT body.

Please pray with me for the Whipps’ Family and everyone who’s connected to them.

… and for yourself… in where you need healing.

—————————-

UPDATE: I got the word tonight, Friday, February 12th, that Vicki has gone to be with Jesus. Her pain is gone… but Alli’s isn’t. Please continue praying for the Whipps’ Family.

The Real Me

January 12, 2010 in Adultery, Faith, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries, twitter, Weblogs with 32 Comments

This week, Mike Foster challenged us to reveal the “real me”.

I think I’ve been pretty real here on my blog when it comes to most of the things in my life. I’ve revealed most everything from a silly random 25 things list to my largest life failure.

On the People of the Second Chance (POTSC) site, Mike challenges us to participate in THIS experiment:

So this week I thought we could do an experiment. Let’s replace all our “nice-professional-photoshop-hair-looking-fab-pics-we-really-like-of-ourselves” with “REAL” photos of us. Change your Twitter. Facebook. Blog. Remove the sexy and put the #REALME up.

Low res camera pics. Christmas morning rats nest hair photos. Bad lighting and goofy looks. Close ups and flabby neck photos. No photoshopin’ here! No shame here! No image or brand management! Just a snapshot of reality.

And here is the point of the experiment!!! Your value is in you. Not your sexiness. You are beautiful even when you think you are ugly, geeky, or when a photo is unflattering. We love and prefer the REAL YOU!

I was going to post a photo of me RIGHT when I woke up, or some crazy photo like Tam, however, when I read Anne and Crystal’s blogs today, I thought I would just follow suit in video form… so here we go.

Some of you may have a hard time revealing yourself from behind your mask. You mask might not be make-up. If you’re anything like me, your mask could be walls of lies you have built around yourself. Friend… it’s time to be free.

“I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” ~ Psalm 139:14

ALL of you are wonderful and beautiful. Not just your outside… but inside too… when you allow yourself to BE the way you were created. God knit you together with PURPOSE. That “imperfection” you cringe to look at every day is God’s perfection of purpose in you.

My beauty is in my tragedy. I can HONESTLY tell you I thank God (almost) everyday for letting me hit rock bottom. I thank God for letting me feel pain. I thank God for allowing me to EXPERIENCE everything I have in life… even letting me fail. You see, if I didn’t ever hit rock bottom and walk the desert, I’m not sure I’d quite appreciate how beautiful and lush life is now.

So… you’re turn.
What is ONE thing you LOVE about yourself?

2010: The Last Decade

January 7, 2010 in Adultery, Family, Friends, Life Experience, Marriage, Ministry, Motherhood, Personal Entries with 12 Comments

It’s the New Year… and to commemorate this *exciting* tenth year past 2000, I thought I’d document the last decade of my life on one post. A lot has happened…

Let’s begin.

2000:

  • I moved from Seattle to Portland, knowing NO one.
  • Met Brian in February.
  • Started working in Radio Marketing.
  • Got engaged in December.

2001:

  • Bought our condo.
  • Got married on May 27th.

2002:

  • Found out we were “infertile”.
  • Lost a couple of babies in miscarriages.

2003:

  • Left Marketing behind and started Full-Time Ministry at Sunset.
  • Lost another baby.
  • Bought our first “house” in Bethany.

2004:

  • Started Blogging.
  • Started the Adoption Process.
  • Found out we were pregnant in December. Didn’t move for 3 months.
  • Abandoned the Adoption Process for now.

2005:

  • Chance was born on September 1st.

2006:

  • Left FT Ministry to stay home with Chance.
  • I stepped into an affair.

2007:

  • Sold my dream house & moved to Hillsboro.
  • Filled in at the Interim Student Worship Director at Sunset for a year.

2008:

2009:

What is in store for us in 2010? I have no idea… but I have never look more optimistically at an upcoming year.

In the last ten years, it feels as if my life was only beginning. I fell… many times… more times than I really care to admit.  I remember MANY very specific moments of just wanting to lay there and never get up again. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to die in my shame and pain. But somehow, I found my way back on my feet. To stand as a sinner… to face the consequences… to deal with the ROOT issues (not just what seemed to be)… and maybe the most difficult hurdle of all:

… to allow undeserved grace to wash over me.
… to be redeemed & restored.

This year, 2010, I look forward to:

  • Continued restoration in my marriage.
  • Healing in other relationships.
  • Many rich and full moments with my family.
  • Deepening the bond with my amazing girlfriends from all over.
  • Learning how to love more freely and with reckless abandon.
  • Owning my first spaceship (you still there?)

God is good… all the time.
… even when it doesn’t feel like it.
… especially when it doesn’t feel like it.

What are 10 words (less or more) that describe your LAST decade?

Chance: SAVED

December 15, 2009 in Chance, Faith, Family, Motherhood, Personal Entries with 39 Comments

In the midst of Paxton being so sick, the subject of death has come up quite a bit. Chance (our 4 year old) is worried Paxton (our 1 year old) is going to die. We keep telling him we all die sometime, but if we believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that he died for our sins FOREVER, that we don’t have to die forever. In fact, we get to live… even better than here on earth.

Chance looked like he was thinking… a lot. So, I sat down with him and asked,

“Honey… do you want to invite Jesus to come live in your heart?”
Chance said, “Does this mean he won’t ever leave?”
I answered, “Yes. He will never leave you if you ask him to come in.”

We prayed:

Dear God,

I know that I am a sinner. That means I make bad choices sometimes and disobey. But I know you are a God that saves me and forgives me. I believe and thank you for sending Your son, Jesus, to die on the cross for me so that I can live forever with You in Heaven one day. Please come and live in my heart, Jesus, and help me make good choices. Help me obey you and my mommy and daddy and live the way You want me to.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

Today – December 15, 2009…
… at 10:12am
… in his navy & turquoise horizontally striped size 5 Hanna Anderson pajamas
… on our large, green, microfiber couch
… in our Beaverton home
… with the kitchen smelling a little like vinegar and a little like lysol

… Chance gave his soul over to the Kingdom of God.

I don’t care what else happens today.
I’m pretty sure nothing can trump that.
And I’m pretty sure nothing can make today less beautiful.

Belated Thanksgiving Post

December 2, 2009 in Chance, Faith, Family, Friends, Marriage, Motherhood, Paxton, Personal Entries with 10 Comments

I hope y’all had an amazing Thanksgiving.

I know I did.

Brian and I went to Thanksgiving in La Grande again this year with the boys.  They are both so active now, it was great to see them having so much fun at their Nina & Papa’s house.

Thanksgiving this year was bittersweet for me.  It was the first Thanksgiving holiday living in complete truth… protective walls down.  Everyone around the table knew what I had done… and yet, they still loved me and invited me TO their table with love and grace.

This year… “thankfulness” has a new meaning. Thankfulness has life.

I am thankful for:

  • *Jesus… and His grace for me.
  • *Brian… and his immeasurable forgiveness.
  • *Chance Hayden… and all the questions behind his eyes.
  • *Paxton Joel… and all he represents.
  • *Second chances to make things right.
  • *Truth… and the freedom that comes with it.
  • *Worship… and that I get to do that with reckless abandon again.
  • *Brian’s new job… so we can get back on our feet again.
  • *Brian’s parents… who have never stopped supporting us and have adopted me in as their own.
  • *My sisters, Renee & Helen… who make my life better.
  • *My mom… who gave me life so I can actually experience it.
  • *My dad… who helped too.
  • *Friends… old and new.

I am blessed… and WAY beyond thankful.
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