Yesterday, I shared a video interview we had with the Davises. Today, my beautiful friend, Trisha, is guest posting here to share a bit more of her heart with y’all. If I had known even a smidgen of this 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have had to hit rock bottom as hard as I did. I’m sure I still would have gone “down” for something, but I can’t help but wonder if the collateral damage would have been less.
Without further adieu… here’s Trisha to talk a little about SEX!
When Justin sat me down to confess being sexually abused as a child and to a ten year long pornography addiction during our separation in 2005, at the time I was just thankful he was being completely honest with me and not thinking through the ramifications of his addiction or abuse. Honestly, there wasn’t much to process because I had no clue what having a pornography addiction even meant or how to heal from sexual abuse. As we started to unearth our sexual brokenness we realized that the lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship was the physical evidence of emotional and spiritual brokenness in our marriage.
We have talked a lot about what it means to be fully known in a marriage relationship. Being fully known is not just emotional and spiritual but it is physical as well. Being physically known is often harder to unpack and achieve.
For someone who never married, Paul paints a beautiful picture in 1 Corinthians 7 of what it looks like to be fully known by your spouse. I found solace in this passage (which is often translated,to sex just being a mandate for married couples) Paul turns into a beautiful picture of what it means to be fully known.
Read what it says in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 New Living Translation (NLT)
“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife”.
My biggest hurdle was trying to understand the how and why behind Justin’s struggle with porn. How do I not fear lust, pornography or the reality that my body will never look twenty again (unless we become rich and famous) I kid…
Seriously, though, after giving birth to three kids and gaining and losing 30 pounds three different times how on earth could I compete with the perfect looking women on the computer screen or in the movies? How do I know that Justin won’t have an affair with the next best friend God places in my life? I had never connected this passage with sexual struggles.
Look how this passage is translated in the Message.
1 Corinthians 7:2-6
It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.
Paul knew one thing to be true: that sexual drives are strong. But he says that the marriage bed is stronger. He goes on to say ‘”the marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. I’m not afraid to use the word “sex” but this passage is more than just sex rather it’s a beautiful definition of what extraordinary physical intimacy looks like. Although physical intimacy is not always mutually desired when it is mutually offered it goes beyond the obvious physical pleasure and becomes a sacred sharing of being fully known physically, emotionally and spiritually. Pornography, lust and masturbation may meet one of these needs for a short period of time but always comes back void of fully satisfying what physical intimacy was created for.
Sexual intimacy should be mutally offered, even though at times it won’t be mutually desired.
Wives isn’t it comforting to know that sex is so much more than just a physical act used to satisfy our husbands? Husbands isn’t it equally affirming that your strong desire to be intimate with your wife goes beyond just the physical? Sex is something to look forward to not something that is dirty, wrong or sinful. It is a gift that God gives to a husband and wife when they mutually and sacrificially give their bodies to one another in order to be fully known. This doesn’t mean that after two days of cranky kids, the car breaking down or a deadline at work won’t get into the way of this type of intimacy. It doesn’t mean that lights will automatically dim, candles will ignite and a love song will start to play as you mutually offer yourself to each other (although sometimes that’s really fun). What it does mean is that the act of offering yourself “to serve the other, whether in bed or out” continues to draw you to each other well after you’ve been sexually satisfied and that is extraordinary.
But in order to become fully known physically it will require you to choose a path that may not be easy but it’s always worth it! It will require prayer, patience and grace. Lot’s of grace!
Isn’t Trish amazing? I love her heart!!! I’m so privileged that I get to call her friend!
Don’t forget… I’m giving away 2 copies of Beyond Ordinary tomorrow evening. Make sure you enter to win HERE.