I got to lead worship with my sister, Helen, today at Church at Bethany. I haven’t gotten to see her in 2 years and have really looked forward to her weeklong visit for quite some time now.

Our Sunday Setlist:

1. God With Us – Bart Millard
2. All We Need – Charlie Hall
3. Indescribable – Laura Story
4. Heart of Worship – Matt Redman
5. My All In All – Nichole Nordeman Version
6. We Will Worship You – Carlos Whittaker
7. From The Inside Out – Joel Houston

Today’s set was pretty fun not only having Helen with me, but also having Charlotte on keys and Mark on drums. It was a good matching set to go with the sermon today.

Matt continued our series “Finding Our Way Back To God” and we finished Part Two of Jessica’s Story.  Please watch the second part of Jessica’s story below:

So… question:

When will it be YOUR turn to come home?

–verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
–verb (used without object)
6. to pardon an offense or an offender.

We Christ followers talk about forgiveness a lot. We tell each other we NEED to do it or it will just eat us up inside. We hear stories of other people forgiving other people and blessings pouring in because of it. But when it comes to OUR lives and what it means to forgive, that’s when the word “forgive” becomes an impossible action.

When I did the unforgivable, Brian graciously forgave me. Not immediately… but after he processed what it really meant to forgive… he CHOSE to. He didn’t HAVE to… but he CHOSE to. Many people forgave me. Brian’s family, my sisters, my Dad, our friends. They CHOSE grace over judgment on me.

All except one.

My mother hasn’t forgiven me. I doubt she ever will.

I’ve caused her great embarrassment. Children are an extension of the parent and I am one seriously tangled mess of an extension cord. I’m no longer a viable showpiece because I’ve revealed the “wizard of oz” behind the curtain… and the reality is I’m nothing great. I’ve failed her. And that’s all I know because she hasn’t spoken to me since August 2009.

But here’s where I’m gonna get real with you. I’m gonna show my ugly and I’ll be honest… I’m a little scared right now. But, I’m gonna do it anyway (please be gentle).

I have NO right to ask for her forgiveness. I don’t have ANY place to receive it even if it was offered…

… because I haven’t forgiven her either.

Most of my counseling time is spent working through my childhood and how that’s manifested it’s way into my adulthood, relationship with Brian, and relationship with my children. 75% of my therapy time is spent digging up painful memories of how my mother treated me, looking at it, mourning it, and letting it go.

I’m not blaming my mother OR my past for my adult actions. However, how can you really change if you’ve never gone back to look at the problem face-to-face? I’ve NEVER grieved anything or allowed myself to FEEL. And I don’t want to live the rest of my life like that.

In Matthew 26:28, Jesus says:

“This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.”

So… here’s the hard part. Forgiveness isn’t just for me. Forgiveness isn’t just for those who forgive me. Forgiveness is for EVERYONE who chooses Him. Forgiveness is for those who haven’t or will not forgive me. Not forgiving my mother is like drinking poison and waiting for HER to die. So, I need to forgive…

… every disapproving look, sneer, grunt, glare.
… every time I was called ugly, fat, stupid, “the devil”.
… every slap in the face & body-slam into the walls.
… every weeklong silent treatment.
… EVERY wrong ever committed against the childhood me.

… not because I “have” to… but because I’ve been FORGIVEN by the Greatest. And so has she.

So, why do I still have the bottle of poison at my lips?

1. Glory to God – Steve Fee & Vicky Beeching
2. O Worship The King – Chris Tomlin Version
3. King of Glory – Chris Tomlin
4. Hallelujah – Tenth Avenue North (Response)
5. We Will Worship You – Carlos Whittaker, Jason Ingram & Mia Fieldes
6. Mighty To Save – Reuben Morgan

Despite one new song (Carlos’) and another “newer” song, it felt as though people were really singing out, worshiping together and praising the One who made this all to be. I was also extremely pleased with how the music pieces fit in well with the sermon.

Today, at Church at Bethany, we continued Part Two of our series, “Finding Your Way Back To God” (CLICK HERE for last weeks’ story). Matt’s talk today was titled, “This Isn’t What I Want” and it featured my good friend, Mikey, who finally got to share her story with our church.

Mikey has always been the “good girl” so when her life started to unravel, to her own doing, she was unequipped to handle it.

She ran.
She hid.
She ignored it.

Then… she found her place of safety. Watch the first part of her story below:

Mikey is in a COMPLETELY different place in her life now. Her realization that she DIDN’T have to live a life she didn’t want overruled the lies that told her that she was doomed to the consequences of her choices. Truth spoke loud and clear. She lives not only with integrity and strong conviction now, but she lives in search of REAL LIFE accountability.  She repented of her mistakes, turned 180* from them and willingly chose to start over… which is more difficult to do than to just SAY to do.

I’m SO proud of her for sharing her story so boldly. I know it was one of the scariest things she’s ever done… but she did it anyway, in hopes that she can help even ONE person find their way back to God.

So how about you?
What in YOUR life do you NOT WANT?
And when are YOU gonna start over?

As most of you know… I, too, am one who’s found my way back to God… and am constantly finding my way back to God.

Everyone is looking for something… we ALL want to find that “something”. And if you say you’re not, well… you’re either extremely unaware of yourself or just flat out lying.

We’re hosting 3 different stories from people at our church in this next series.

This first video is of Jessica… a woman (and now friend) I had been praying for LONG before I ever saw her face, met her in person, or embraced her.

Have you ever run?

This post resonated with me all too well.

When Brian and I publicized the death of our first marriage, this is exactly what we encountered:

SILENCE.

We knew our friends just didn’t know what to say.
They didn’t want to say the wrong thing.
They didn’t want to seem judgmental.
They didn’t want to hurt our feelings.

But in their silence, what they told us (though they didn’t mean to) was this :

YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN!

Don’t get me wrong. We had a handful of friends that DID check in on us just to tell us they were praying for us, but the problem is when you hit rock bottom like this, you already feel completely alone. In a way… you’re almost deficit in how alone you feel… so a couple of phone calls won’t even bring you back to ground zero. Silence only confirms your deepest fears: that you’ve been abandoned by the world.

Obviously, Brian and I made it through the darkest times, but here’s a word to those of you who have friends that are currently going through the desert:

SPEAK UP!

You don’t need to say anything profound. Just say this (practice it with me):

“Hi friend. Listen… I was just thinking about you. I really don’t have anything to say. No advice. Just wanted you to know I LOVE you.”

Then… pray for them… and call them again in a couple of days. And a couple of days after that. And after that. Every time you think about them, drop them a note, an email, a text, a voicemail. These simple acts make a world of difference.

So, it’s your turn. Speak up, because silence = perceived judgment.

It didn’t matter if I told the truth or not… if my mother came home in a bad mood, and the surroundings weren’t exactly to her liking, you’d have to brace yourself. Most of the time, we braced ourselves emotionally… because my mother’s WORDS were her ammunition of choice, shooting at us fast and for long periods of time (I think my longest “lecture” of being told I was a waste of space lasted 5 hours on a Saturday). But if we weren’t careful with the WORDS we exchanged with her, we would also have to brace ourselves physically.

By the age of 10, I had not only learned to angle my body “just right” to protect more and hurt less from a “spanking”… but I had also carefully crafted my speech (and sometimes lack of) to manipulate situations with my mother so that I could avoid being shot at with her WORDS. And when I was “shot at”, I learned to angle my heart “just right” so I could protect more and hurt less.

When you grow up this way, you learn one of two things:

1.  WORDS mean EVERYTHING and you live life CARING too much what people say.
… or …
2.  WORDS mean NOTHING and you live life not BELIEVING what people say.

I am the second.

My LifeGroup Online is reading through the Bible right now and something that really struck me is how much WORDS meant in Old Testament time. Your WORD was your WORD. There was no need for a signed contract or need to doubt that someone might be lying because if they spoke it… it WAS. Their WORDS were blessings or they were curses. But what they said was final.

In Bible times, nations rose through the blessings of a father. I can no longer guard my heart from WORDS that curse… because in doing so, I’m causing more damage. By not allowing WORDS to bless me, I’m stunting my potential growth. I also cannot continue to allow my WORDS to be protective shield. By not allowing my WORDS to bless others, I’m prohibiting God from using me as He created me.

My WORDS are no longer my source of survival. They’re much more than that… I need to be intentional about my WORDS to my husband, to my children, to my family and to my friends.

My WORDS must bless… not curse.
My WORDS must encourage… not tear down.
My WORDS must instill truth… not stir-up lies.

What do YOUR WORDS do?

When you’re the Mom of two young boys, that’s not always a GOOD thing. I turned around from the sink and saw THIS:

I was curious with what EXACTLY was going on, so I dried my hands and walked over.

Paxton had crawled onto the couch, nestled in with Chance and was pushing the little yellow button on Chance’s “fighter jet”. Each time the fighter jet “launched a missile”, the boys laughed hysterically.

I love “catching” my boys loving each other and just BEING together.

I can honestly say I would never trade this for a million dollars.

I shouldn’t say he “gave” the money away as much as he put the money in OUR hands and challenged us to make it work for God’s glory. And if we’re being technical about it, Matt actually gave us what HE was tithing to the church… so he LITERALLY gave his tithe TO the church.

Matt handed out an envelope of different amounts of money to every adult in attendance. We have seven weeks to take that money… invest it… and turn it around to help those in greater need.

So… here are the details:

On April 4th, which is Easter… we at Church at Bethany will be making an IMPACT Offering with every cent that comes out of this experiment. This unknown total amount will be distributed 50% to the homeless & low income students of the Beaverton School District (local) and 50% to Children of the Nations (global).

So, how are we going to make an IMPACT? Here’s what Matt suggested on Sunday:

1.  Sell Some Stuff – We all have things setting around in our garage or storage unit that could be sold in a garage sale or on eBay!  You could donate also donate cars, rental houses, or even stocks. Like the early church did in Acts–bring the proceeds to the church on Easter and make an IMPACT!

2.  Stop Monthly Fees – We all have things being charged monthly to our credit or debit card that we don’t use.  Cancel or downgrade your Netflix, Health club, internet, phone, wine of the month club, or season tickets.  Ask yourself do I NEED this monthly fee?  If not cancel it!  Give your savings on Easter and make an IMPACT!

3.  Invest – Buy yarn and knit a sweater and sell it.  Have your kids operate a lemonade stand.  Take a little bit of money and combine a skill that you have and give the proceeds on Easter to make an IMPACT!

Brian and I together received $50.

We are still talking about how we as a family are going to make this money work for us so that we can better give. We decided to open this up to our greater family… YOU. We want to ask you for two things:

1.  SUGGESTIONS! – We really want to hear your ideas of how we can make this $50 not only double, triple or even quadruple… but maybe even quintuple? Maybe if your suggestions are REALLY awesome, the quintuples might have sextuplets!

2. GIVE! – We’d like to invite you to partner with us and give generously. Matt’s goal for our little church plant was to give away $7,500 on Easter Sunday. Brian and I would love nothing more than to write a check that could cover the majority of that. Here’s the deal though… though we’re using a PayPal button and you could easily use your credit card… we’re asking you to PLEASE not give from credit. We don’t want you to give what you don’t have… so please, if you partner with us, only partner with REAL money you have.

I’ve made it easy by placing this little “donate” button to the sidebar here on the right where it says “IMPACT Offering”.

So…

… will you partner with us?
What should we do with our $50?

Today, Brian and I got the privilege to guest post over at RefineUs.org. Justin and Trisha are GREAT friends of ours and have built an amazing ministry out of their story. Talk about beauty from ashes.

If you didn’t know, Justin and Trish were an instrumental part to the restoration of Brian and my marriage. They are good people… OUR people.

Here’s an excerpt from our post:

When we got married (Brian was 26 & Jenni was 22), our thoughts and concerns at the time were about one thing: Our STATUS.

We’re not saying we didn’t love each other or that we shouldn’t have gotten married… we’re simply stating that our new “status” was more attractive than thinking about the reality of what marriage meant.

It wasn’t till after we divorced our old marriage that we FINALLY began to talk about these things. We talked about our dreams, our desires, our goals… and soon realized we both wanted …

To read more… CLICK HERE!

Check in there all week. They have a great line-up of guest-bloggers who are worth reading.

If you’ve followed me for the last few years, you know how little I’ve cared for this fake holiday most of my life… but I have to say, this year I feel different. I finally am beginning to understand what LOVE really means and unconditional love feels like. It’s been a journey. One I plan on trekking the rest of my life.

Of course Valentine’s Day landed on a Sunday this year. Why not, right?

Today’s worship service was about OUR impact in the world. Our Sunday Setlist:

God With Us – Bart Millard

God of Wonders – Marc Byrd & Steve Hindalong

How Great Is Our God – Chris Tomlin

Our Great God – Mac Powell & Fernando Ortega

Sweetly Broken – Jeremy Riddle

Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) – Chris Tomlin

Matt talked about Matthew 26 most of the time.  He even played Brian and my Proposal Video to make a point about love. He ended the sermon with the parable of the talents. As he was reading these verses, he handed out envelopes with different amounts of Church! at Bethany’s money to each and EVERY adult attender present. Matt put feet to his message. He challenged us to double, triple, quadruple what he gave us within seven weeks… by EASTER.

I’ll write more about that in a post later this week because I LOVE this concept and want to put more time into what I have to say about it.

Highs: Today’s service felt full and purposeful. There’s nothing worse than “just another Sunday” and today DEFINITELY didn’t feel like that. The music portion went well… mostly because it felt like everyone was really participating and worshiping God together. Everything felt much more connected this week… and that’s always a plus. The best part was getting to talk to so many different and new attenders after the service. It’s all about connection and sometimes I miss out on that because I’m so busy tearing down.

Lows: Aside from thinking about my sweet friend, Alli, all morning, I’m just feeling a little off… tired really. My monitor kept cutting in and out so I just unplugged it after the first song. It’s about time we unpack the trailer and do a full inventory of our gear. It’s probably also time to either repair or dispose of some of our broken equipment. Just thinking about that makes me tired too.

Now… to you. TWO QUESTIONS:
1. How was YOUR Sunday (link if you must)?
2. What do YOU think of Valentine’s Day?