My parents’ divorce was finalized before I started Middle School.
My Mother sold our house in Seattle and bought a new one in Bellevue (45 minute distance between these two homes). She said the schools were better there so that’s why we were moving.
The next seven years consisted of my Mother transferring me through three different schools: public, private, then public again. Each time, I saw the same thing: groups of friends that have been friends since childhood. I was always the “new” girl and never found “my group”. I wouldn’t say I didn’t have friends… I actually had many friends… but no close friends.
I was a floater…
You see, growing up wasn’t easy for me. We weren’t “well-to-do” but my Mother ALWAYS provided clean clothes, shelter and plenty of food. We NEVER missed a meal and we even got to go on vacations every now and then. But that’s not all a kid needs for healthy growth.
My Mother was way too tapped out to spend quality time with any of us. She was tired all the time, never getting any breaks. She was gone by the time we got up in the morning for school (and I had cheer practice at zero period = 6:30am) and was home after 6pm.
But I had a lot of questions… overwhelming uncertainties. Lots of changes happen for a girl between the ages of 12 and 18. I needed my Mom to speak God’s purpose into me. I needed to hear that even my dreams were limitless. I needed to see that there was grace in mistakes and that mistakes are needed to help us grow. I wanted to be pretty… to be pursued… I needed to matter to someone. I needed to be significant.
However, I didn’t find any of this with my Mother.
Every question I ever asked would be quickly dismissed as “stupid”.
Every disagreement… I was “stubborn”.
Every expressed desire… “selfish”
Every time I had a crush or my heart was broken… “waste of time”
Every pursuit to enhance how I looked… “ugly”
Nothing I ever did was good enough. If I brought home an A-, “Why didn’t you get an A?”
Every thought I ever shared with her would always land us in a full out fight. I shouldn’t say “fight” because, oh… I never fought back. That would mean death… or at least a few good slaps in the face. Instead, I should say it was a “high tension lecture” that ended me with my tail between my legs. It wasn’t safe for me to express anything.
Consciously, I knew I needed companionship and couldn’t do life alone… but subconsciously, I believed I was destined to be alone. I believed if I ever cared about anyone deep enough or long enough, they would eventually leave me… just like my Dad did physically, and how my Mom did emotionally.
I was a floater… in my own home.
I realized if I was going to survive, and I was GOING to, I had to do it myself. I didn’t trust my Mother. I didn’t trust my family. I didn’t trust my friends. Controlling myself and the things around me became my obsession.
I didn’t have anyone… so I found protection within the four walls of building significance for myself.
“I will make myself into somebody! I will make myself irreplaceable!”
… so began the building of my fortress… my empire….
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these are some power posts, my friend. may healing take place through your expression. i love you.
you are a good writer and you are gripping me in like a good book. i love you too!
i understand those egg shells all too well…
Though I didn’t know or understand your divorce pain, I think our humble upbringings are why we related so mucht then. I also want to say that I am SO sorry if I was insensetive to you at any time during our adolescence, and incredibly joyful almost beaming, to see how you have worked through so much and come out much stronger! Go lady!!! I love ya! D
you know what, denise…
… i always remembered you being really amazing to me as kids. i trusted you, and i didn’t trust many. i honestly considered you and heather my best friends straight through jr. high.
i’m glad we’re still friends now.
Powerful. Gripping. You.seriously.need.to.write.a.book. Although, you may have and I’m just the last person to clue in
)
You have helped me understand more of what my best friend has experienced in her childhood. Her parents divorced, and she felt like a floater, insignificant, abandoned, unloved, and it has deeply impacted her, her self image, her life. Walking with her in this journey of healing has been nothing short of God-breathed. I look forward to seeing how your experience compares to hers, and what your outcome has been so far.
i haven’t written a book yet. not saying i won’t one day… just don’t think i’m ready yet
thanks for your encouragement though!
the one thing i DO know is no one’s life experience is exactly the same. though your friend and i have similar upbringings, so many pieces are different. the best thing you can do for her is just be there for her and listen as she decides to share.
you are a good friend.
I kept clicking on some links throughout different posts and the trail lead here.
My parents were very different from yours — opposite, really. My mom was severely depressed all of my childhood, and my dad was a raging conservative that I feared because of his anger, yelling, and strict rules on things that I’ve learned in my adulthood really didn’t matter to anyone but him.
Unlike your parents who did get divorced, I always wanted my parents to get divorced. I prayed and prayed that my dad would die or that my mom would have the strength to divorce him to take us away from him. Selfishly, I’ve prayed those things recently too.
I also grew up striving for perfection, but as I think about it, it was probably because I wanted to be noticed. I, too, needed my Mom to speak God’s purpose into me, and all the rest of that, but I was so alone and unnoticed.
Though our stories are so different, I also built those walls. I wanted to be the strong one who could survive without needing reassurance and a pat on the back. I wanted to be independent, though my heart still ached for love and affirmation.
I’m almost 21, still living at home, and I still haven’t fully come out of that. Most days, I am still a floater. My parents have bought into the lie that I am independent and don’t need reassurance, affirmation, etc to succeed.
I am thankful for the friends that God has brought up around me, and for his reassurance of purpose and worth, though it is a slow process of replacing the hurt with beauty and goodness.
hannah ruth… so sorry about what you’ve endured as a child and even now as an adult. parents do so much to damage their children. as a parent myself, i know though i’m trying my darndest, my children won’t make it to adulthood unscathed. i’m imperfect.
however, i’d disagree with us being as opposite as you’d think.
because my parents were divorced, my mother overcompensated. she was to me what your dad is to you. i understand every bit of what you’re saying here. i DO believe that if my parents stayed together, it would have been worse for us. so in hindsight, i count their divorce as a blessing.