Jenni on Skype: jclayville 
for·give [fer-giv]
–verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
–verb (used without object)
6. to pardon an offense or an offender.
We Christ followers talk about forgiveness a lot. We tell each other we NEED to do it or it will just eat us up inside. We hear stories of other people forgiving other people and blessings pouring in because of it. But when it comes to OUR lives and what it means to forgive, that’s when the word “forgive” becomes an impossible action.
When I did the unforgivable, Brian graciously forgave me. Not immediately… but after he processed what it really meant to forgive… he CHOSE to. He didn’t HAVE to… but he CHOSE to. Many people forgave me. Brian’s family, my sisters, my Dad, our friends. They CHOSE grace over judgment on me.
All except one.
My mother hasn’t forgiven me. I doubt she ever will.
I’ve caused her great embarrassment. Children are an extension of the parent and I am one seriously tangled mess of an extension cord. I’m no longer a viable showpiece because I’ve revealed the “wizard of oz” behind the curtain… and the reality is I’m nothing great. I’ve failed her. And that’s all I know because she hasn’t spoken to me since August 2009.
But here’s where I’m gonna get real with you. I’m gonna show my ugly and I’ll be honest… I’m a little scared right now. But, I’m gonna do it anyway (please be gentle).
I have NO right to ask for her forgiveness. I don’t have ANY place to receive it even if it was offered…
… because I haven’t forgiven her either.
Most of my counseling time is spent working through my childhood and how that’s manifested it’s way into my adulthood, relationship with Brian, and relationship with my children. 75% of my therapy time is spent digging up painful memories of how my mother treated me, looking at it, mourning it, and letting it go.
I’m not blaming my mother OR my past for my adult actions. However, how can you really change if you’ve never gone back to look at the problem face-to-face? I’ve NEVER grieved anything or allowed myself to FEEL. And I don’t want to live the rest of my life like that.
In Matthew 26:28, Jesus says:
“This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.”
So… here’s the hard part. Forgiveness isn’t just for me. Forgiveness isn’t just for those who forgive me. Forgiveness is for EVERYONE who chooses Him. Forgiveness is for those who haven’t or will not forgive me. Not forgiving my mother is like drinking poison and waiting for HER to die. So, I need to forgive…
… every disapproving look, sneer, grunt, glare.
… every time I was called ugly, fat, stupid, “the devil”.
… every slap in the face & body-slam into the walls.
… every weeklong silent treatment.
… EVERY wrong ever committed against the childhood me.
… not because I “have” to… but because I’ve been FORGIVEN by the Greatest. And so has she.
So, why do I still have the bottle of poison at my lips?
Ugh. This really speaks to me, because my mom and I have many issues between us. And she has said to me – more than once, and as recently as last week – that she hopes I can forgive her, but not for her. She says she wants me to forgive her for ME.
And even though I know she means it and it’s true, it bugs me! A lot!
I’m going to think on what you’ve said here. Thank you for sharing, Jenni…
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 7:51 am
relationship are difficult. mothers are difficult. i know i’ll probably be irritating to my kids when their grown too… but one thing i know i’ll always do is say “i’m sorry” and “will you please forgive me”.
at least your mom is asking for forgiveness…. and that’s always good.
praying for you, dear friend.
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Appreciate your transparency Jenni.
“not forgiving…is like drinking poison and waiting for HER to die”. I’ve never thought of it this way – but so true. I have alot of work to do on this forgiveness “issue”; you’re not alone.
Thank you for sharing.
Will continue to be praying for you
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 7:55 am
thank you, randi. i’m far from perfect and am in desperate need of forgiveness… but probably in MORE desperate need TO forgive.
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Makes me wonder how many will read this and go reconcile with parent, friend, or co- worker as opposed to seeking reconciliation with God. Excellent point that it’s out of His forgiveness that He extends to us that we can experience true forgiveness and reconciliation with others
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:07 am
I’m praying for that.
If anyone has the opportunity to fix a relationship RIGHT NOW… DO IT!
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somehow it feels good to drink the poison and hope the other will get the negative effects. amazing how it doesn’t work like that. this is a lesson that i am learning and will likely continue to learn until my time here is up.
i know this post wasn’t easy for you to write but i appreciate your vulnerability. a reminder to die to oneself and give life to others through grace.
i love you, my friend.
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:08 am
i so wish i could say “i forgive everyone even though they don’t forgive me” or “i’m forgiving because Christ did the ultimate”… but i can’t HONESTLY say that yet. *sigh*
i love you too!
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Crystal Renaud Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:18 am
I lived a long time with the idea of “well, they didn’t ask for forgiveness, so I don’t have to forgive them.” but that’s some messed up theology
and i know now that i am to forgive because Christ died to forgive me and I didn’t ask for it.
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None of us are perfect girl. It’s realizing that fact that makes us understand our need for forgiveness and our need to forgive.
And yet, for some mysterious reason, the realization doesn’t make it much easier to go through with it. Holding on to the hurt, not forgiving, makes us believe that we have some type of power over them. When in reality it’s them who has the power over us.
Thankful that God doesn’t hold my screwups over my head like I do with people. But were all broken and in need of forgiveness. Praying that truth sinks deep and doesn’t just float around in my noggin.
Thank you for your vulnerability in this post Jenni.
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:10 am
oh girl… i’m thankful that God is unconditional even though I’m not… ESPECIALLY though i’m not.
thank you for your words.
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Great, honest post, Jenni. Just remember that forgiveness and reconciliation aren’t the same thing. Forgiveness can be one-sided. Reconciliation requires both parties to come together. It doesn’t reflect on you if the other side isn’t willing to work things out.
It’s also okay to recognize that, while you may give up a grudge against someone (forgiveness), there can still be a lot of pain there that makes reconciliation *really* difficult.
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:33 am
Seth!!!
that was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. i mean… i know that, but I forget… time and time again… i forget.
thank you for the reminder!
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You have the poison at your lips because it’s sweet as honey in your mouth…and sour in the stomach.
I love your transparency, Jenni. So many people never be able to admit what you’ve done here in any kind of public way. They wouldn’t want to risk the wrath of the other person or show any perceived weakness.
I’m praising God for the people who will have the courage to stand up because of what you shared here!
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:34 am
SO sweet to my lips and SOSOSO sour to my stomach!
thank you for your encouragement, jason!
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Thank you so much for your honesty & transparency. I’m on a HUGE forgiveness journey towards someone who was supposed to be my protector. It’s been a year since all the pain & hurt came up and I know God is asking me to forgive and walk away from the memories in order that I can move into the promise He’s unfolding before me.
Your blog entry was at the exact time that I needed to read it. Thank you.
I’ll continue to pray for you (and your mum) as you keep going on this part of your journey.
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 8:35 am
praying for you too, ruthie.
it’s a never-ending journey… but the journey is much more doable with friends.
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I am sitting here crying. And the goosebumps are standing tall. Darn it all! At least it’s too early for mascara!
I have you beat. My mother hasn’t spoken to me since Nov 2008. I like your “tangled mess of extension cord” analogy. When I was growing up, the extension cords in our house were always like that. Now? I have a husband who wraps them up all nice & neat. Guess that shows who I like living with better!
My mother has had issues all the time I’ve known her. With appearance. With my dates. With my appearance. With the name I chose for my child. With my husband. With perfection. My life growing up was not “Leave it to Beaver”. It was Nightmare on Elm St. Still is. I don’t need to keep getting beat up at 52.
It’s taken me a long time to unravel that extension cord. And there is still much work left. A lifetime of work. It’s progress, not perfection, Jenni.
My parents are 80 and I feel bad that I’m now 2000 miles away instead of 200. My list of resentments & issues fill volumes, but by addressing them in my program of recovery, they are not so heavy anymore. I hated carrying around all that extra crap. Sometimes it’s hard to pray for them, but I do it anyway. It makes me sad to think of all they have missed. Such wonderful granddaughters. Missed 2 college graduations. 1 wedding. Because of twisted thinking. She seems to thrive on conflict. So, she creates what isn’t there.
I keep thinking she will change. But, I am realizing I can only change me. God never left me when I walked away from Him. It’s all about God’s grace. God has given us both a way to work through our junk. It brings me to my knees. I can’t go back & fix the past, but I can move forward & live this new way.
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 10:19 am
oh dear shellie…
we both know the answer, but knowing is SO different than DOING. until then, boundaries are necessary… to protect ourselves.
and as difficult as it is, without our past… we wouldn’t have our future.
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Renée Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
You know.. we never now if prayers like this will be answered.. but I DO have a good story about my mom that I pray will give you hope.
Sure.. there was abuse. And we prayed and prayed that she would change.. that it all would change.. yet even into my early 20s, it hadn’t.. then guess what? Out of nowhere in 2005 my mother.. the stubborn, unwilling one, asked us to forgive her for harming us when we were little.
I will never forget that day. The day my prayers came true.. 26 years it took..
Never stop praying.
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We are hesitant because we think they will take my forgiveness as an excuse for them to continue, or as a viewpoint that I am a pushover or weak. We are afraid that they will think that it means that they get off easy…. and that they are not accountable, or do not have to be, or that we are not holding them responsible. Then, when I forgive them, who do I hold responsible? God? I don’t want them to think that they can just get away with it, without realizing and coming to terms with the pain, the hurt, and the effect/impact their actions or words have caused.
We keep drinking because all of the words, blogs and tears in the world won’t take the pain away. The answer, I think, lies in knowing He paid for their sins too and although we don’t have to ‘forget’, forgiveness is already done, thru Christ.
Thanks for being so open. I pray this reaches many!
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 10:21 am
thank you, toby!
i love what seth said above… that forgiveness and reconciliation don’t always come hand in hand. they aren’t the same thing. you’re right. i won’t ‘forget’ what’s been done… but i NEED to forgive and love her despite it all.
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Shellie (baylormum) Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 10:54 am
Exactly! I never understood boundaries until I was in my mid-30′s & my mother was still torturing me. My hair wasn’t right. My clothes weren’t right. My husband wasn’t right. My child wasn’t named right. And now in recovery & Christ, I know I can set them and be ok with that. I like what Seth said about reconciliation & forgiveness. Powerful thought. Empowering for me. And I love who I am today. Good, bad, and ugly. Well, maybe not ugly….
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It sounds like you are processing right now. That is a great start. You are loved, even in imperfection, Jenni! So is your mom.
I would venture to imagine that she is well aware of her own short-comings and beats herself up about it. We are our own worst critics. It is very hard to face the fact that we can’t change what we have done in the past, especially when it comes to hurting someone we really do love. I’ve no doubt that she loves you.
Praying for healing.
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 10:29 am
thank you, melinda.
unfortunately, my mother is nothing like you. if she were, our relationship wouldn’t be severed right now. i want nothing more than for what you imagine of her to be real… but it just isn’t. she has said the words, “i don’t love you.” and “i have no regrets”. she fully believes she’s in the right… always.
that sums it up.
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Melinda Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 10:42 am
I can’t imagine your pain upon hearing those words and the inevitable echo of them in your mind and heart. Still praying for healing. You are very lovable.
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First time to your blog (I’m not sure why…we comment on most of the same blogs). So, first off– hello. I’m Josh. Nice to (sort of) meet you.
Kudos to you for being real and offering the chance for others to be encouraged to respond in the same way in their own lives. I have had forgiveness issues with many in my life, as I tend to hold on to grudges with a strong grip. I especially struggle with some forgiveness with my dad.
What I’ve learned over time (and prayer, reading the Word) is that forgiveness doesn’t mean what someone did was right. It’s simply releasing it from yourself and giving it to God. There may be some relationships where things have been done and you can’t reconcile. But, you can forgive. When we don’t release those things it eats us alive.
Praying for you and for some release…
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 10:30 am
josh… welcome! and thank you SO much for commenting.
i agree wholeheartedly. i KNOW i can forgive. but at this point… what i’m saying is i’m not sure i’m ready to. and THAT’S what i need to work on.
come back often. i love hearing peoples thoughts.
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mmmgirl. wow.
how brave of you to write this. i know it was scary. reminds me of a letter i sent to my mom about 15 yrs ago. although it didnt create what i was hoping from her…it did inside of me. it was freeing…even in the fear.
so proud of you.
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 10:32 am
i love you.
thank you for walking me through this as i was processing.
thank you for listening.
thank you for talking.
thank you for teaching, correcting, encouraging.
you’re an amazing friend… with a weak bladder.
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tam Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 10:35 am
i love you too.
mucho.
i mean…
許多
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Thank you. Thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you for reminding me the importance of forgovness. It’s never fun to dig all those things up and face them again through different eyes.
I love you. Praying for you.
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 10:32 am
thanks, lynse-roo. this will be the journey of the rest of my life, right?
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you are so brave.
thank you again for this. i’m looking forward to that talk. it’s gonna be good for me, i just know it.
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Augh.. yuck yucky yuck yuck. It’s so hard to forgive.. especially if you know they might still despise you or never forgive you.. or is often the one at fault. But forgiveness was never about condition was it?
Not to say that what happened when we were young did not scar us, hurt us, change us.. make us.. it’s so valid for… understanding sake.. but at what point does understanding become continued blame and self-imprisonment? I was wondering how long you would continue to hold on to “everything [bad] she’s done to you [us]” and just forgive her already.
It’s true. Like holding our head underwater hoping they suffocate. And though we are completely broken human beings, sometimes because of the mistakes/choices of others, it doesn’t license us to live in it.
Jenni. I am so proud of you and thankful and grateful and blessed because you care enough to be honest.. no matter how it will make you look. This is more beautiful a person than I have ever seen before! I pray that there is reconciliation for the two of you. And if not yet for you both.. then at least one of you will be free.
Love you!
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Renée Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 2:45 pm
P.S. I don’t forgive well either… apparently i am in the revenge business… hahaha.. I am definitely learning now how to unride that bike. YIKES!
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 9:45 pm
i love you, sister!
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We’ve talked a bit here and in FB messages about my relationship with my mom.
I’ll admit something ugly, too, that even though my mom and I talk, that I want her to be a part of my life and my daughter’s life, I have not forgiven her, either for my childhood.
But, I play nice rather than confront her, I am not willing to dive headfirst into what I envision being a horrible conversation about the pain of growing up with her.
The idea that I can’t forgive but I pretend I do is ugly, too.
At least you can admit that you have not forgiven and that you may not reconcile. I admire that even if it is ugly. It is truth.
I don’t have any great words of wisdom, only that I recognize myself in you, in more ways than I have told you. And my mother in descriptions of yours, as well as my mother’s relationship with my grandmother.
So, I guess the question is can you and I break the cycle of broken mother-child relationships with our own children?
And where does forgiveness fit in with that?
Honestly, I don’t know that I can forgive even though I want to … and it’s funny you post this today because I was kind of hoping you’d be blogging about forgiveness this morning as I was getting ready for work this morning, thinking about this ugliness you were going to post about.
Do you ever commiserate with your sisters?
My older sister and I often share stories, dissecting our mother’s behavior, criticizing her, blaming her. Wow, that so does not sound healthy or productive, but we do it anyway.
Thank you for sharing. I’ve been thinking about forgiveness quite a bit the past few months, wondering if it’s something I can do, how do I get to that place because I am sick of obsessing over others wrongs instead of enjoying my life.
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 10:12 pm
Kris…
i know we are so alike. and now you can see it’s not just you and me.
my sister, renee, actually commented on this post. all of my sisters at one time have had a falling out with our mother… but what child hasn’t with their parent, right?
my sisters and i have talked, but it’s more of a sounding board of how to fix things or better things than it is a blame game or criticization (is that a word?) or my mother. my sisters are great “devil’s advocates” in helping me see the other side sometimes… but mostly, they are great confidants and amazing sounding boards. they’ve been through it with me, so they understand it all…
whichever way. this post isn’t as much about my mom as it is about me. i have a choice in what i do… even if it never changes her decision. i WILL forgive her… because all this… has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me.
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Kris H Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 10:41 pm
That’s all you can do, right? I guess forgiveness has to be unselfish in that you expect nothing in return and yet it’s about self-preservation in a way, too.
So, if this is a step toward forgiveness, where do you go from here?
Man, this sure is a lot to chew on, but you’re right, we’re not alone in our struggle to forgive and I admire you putting it out there.
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Girl, I’m proud of you. Because you are going to counseling and digging up things that hurt, things that are hard to look at. You could choose to say it’s too hard, but instead you’re choosing to say it’s too hard not to. You are moving forward, which takes faith. If forgivness was simple, no one would struggle. If no one struggled, there would be no need for a patient God to hold us and guide us on the journey. YOU are in the journey, and there is nothing ugly about that.
I just wrote about forgiveness in a post on Monday. The thing that helped me process was the phrase: Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past. It helped me look at what I really wanted in holding onto the hurt, and how to leave it where it belongs. It’s a journey for all of us, friend. I’m proud if you.
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Very brave. Then AND now.
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Thank you for this! I need this. I need help forgiving. I need to learn how to forgive. Oddly enough, I’ve forgiven my emotionally and physically abusive father. It’s others…
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 10:14 pm
yes. it spills into every part of our lives, doesn’t it.
praying for you too, liz!
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Jenni,
First of all, this is a brillantly written post, not to mention beautifully raw and transparent. Second, I must say drawing on God’s strength to let go is critically important.
Without going into deep detail, I must encourage people who still have living relatives or friends who they need to make amends with and patch things up to do everything they can to clear the air.
Why? Because it’s much harder after they’ve passed away.
My parents died 15 years apart from each other. I was a middle teenager when my Dad passed away. I was six weeks from my wedding when my Mom died – about 11 years ago.
Though I’ve worked through a number of issues over time, I still sometimes walk out unhealthy habits and patterns I established when my parents were still alive.
In other words, I still wrestle with ghosts.
As I thought about what to write, the words of Don Henley’s song “Heart of the Matter” came to mind:
“There are people in your life who’ve come and gone;
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carryin’ that anger; it’ll eat you up inside, baby.”
This mirrors what you said about the poison.
It’s detox time.
Let’s all examine our hearts and see if there’s anything we haven’t let go of and anyone we haven’t forgiven, then do what we can to let the matter drop.
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jenni Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 10:16 pm
thank you for your comment, paul!
i whole-heartedly agree.
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Loved the transparency and the description of what unforgiveness can do. I’ve been reminded a lot lately of the parable of the servant who was forgiven a huge debt and yet was unwilling to forgive a small one. How great a debt Christ has forgiven for me. May I extend even a portion of this grace to others.
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jenni Reply:
March 11th, 2010 at 8:13 am
exactly. that’s what i was thinking.
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And now an irony to share. My mother suffered a massive stroke at dinner last night. Was airlifted to trauma center in Austin. Is awake & breathing on her own, but brain swelling is massive & she has no movement on her right side. As a retired RN she knows the drill. Her mother had a stroke in her 90′s and my mother cared for her until she died. I know (and my dad told dr) that she wants no heroic measures. I am flying to Austin in next couple of days to help my dad out. My daughter met them at the hospital and said G’ma was startled to see her. She squeezed her hand. But, when we talked this morning, it has been so long since their has been a real relationship there that the emotion is not part of the equation at the moment. It’s not that I don’t feel anything. It’s that I filed it away under “amends I will make someday”. Hate to open that file drawer too far, too fast. I don’t need my (our) past to haunt me. Please pray. I’m kind of numb this morning. Thanks.
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jenni Reply:
March 11th, 2010 at 8:53 am
Praying, Shellie. You now get to do something I don’t get to do. You have the opportunity to make it RIGHT on your side.
love you!
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I am so proud of you! What courage this post took to write!
I believe that not offering forgiveness does more damage to you than to the person you need to forgive. Sometimes you don’t even know where or how to start to forgive and it can feel like a long painful process. But I know in my 15 year journey of forgiving my Dad it has been worth the pain to be free from the pain that comes with not offering forgiveness. Has my Dad changed? No… but I have!
I KNOW that God is going to do amazing things through your willingness to let Him strip you of your walls of protection! I’m excited to see you find freedom through forgiveness! So, so proud of you my friend!!
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jenni Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 8:44 am
thank you, love.
i’m so thankful for our friendship and how you’ve helped walk me through so much of this.
you showed up at the perfect time. you’re my “perfect timing” friend
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Sometimes it’s so much easier to harbor that bitterness rather than let it go, and it’s unfortunate that your mom has chosen to do that.
Thanks for being an example of forgiveness even when it really hurts to do so. And thanks for “going first” when it comes to sharing those tough moments that we all have.
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jenni Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 8:45 am
i so appreciate this comment, jeremy. i’m working on it… and i know i still have a long way to go.
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My opinion is (and I’ve been there) because you are afraid of her reaction and because you don’t want to open up that can of worms. It’s easier to keep drinking the poison. It is very scarry when you tackle it alone but “we can do all things through Christ who gives us the strength”. If He is calling you to do this, He WILL give you the strength. Wait on Him and His timing.
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jenni Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 8:33 pm
MOM!!! You commented! I love this!!!
Thank you for taking me in as your own even when I failed you and your son. You’ve been the most amazing example of grace and forgiveness to me. I’m learning how to forgive my own mother by how you’ve showered it on me.
So… thank you. I’m so glad God gave me you. He knew exactly what I needed.
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Somehow I missed this post the other day! I just blogged about my forgiveness story yesterday. I was somewhat vague; but you know the rest of the story from the e-mail I sent you last week.
The highlights though are the following quotes from a sermon:
“If someone wounds you and walks away without doing anything to help; that does not mean that you have to lay there and die.”
He went on to talk about how we need to forgive the person even if they don’t ask for it because: “If someone wounds you either knowingly or unknowingly and walks away; who is going to be in the worse shape 6 months from now if you don’t treat it? You or Them?”
Then I added: “I needed Jesus to cleanse me of my sins just like this other person needed the same. I realized that just as Jesus forgave me for crucifying him; I needed to forgive this person for wounding me.”
For the whole post:
http://alysasawyer.wordpress.com/2010/03/28/forgive-them/
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