I am in mourning. It’s a dark place.
I’m mourning:
… the loss of my old marriage. :: When Brian and I decided to divorce our old marriage, we didn’t just divorce the bad, the affair, and the breakdown. Because so many of our good memories were mixed in with the timing of the affair, we had to knowingly divorce ALL the memories… including all the good ones. Everything was tainted.
… the loss of my old integrity. :: Before the affair, I can honestly say I really lived life as boldly as I could above reproach. People trusted me. People sought out my advice. The act of the affair destroyed ALL of that in one fell swoop. I’m starting over BELOW ground zero now.
… the loss of good friends. :: It’s always been easier for me to befriend guys than girls. I’ve only recently (in the last 4 years) connected with more women… but I could safely say that “my ladies” were less than 50% of my friend influence. Post-affair, I have realized I CAN NOT have close friendships with guys… so THAT 50% PLUS of my friendships must change… HAVE changed. I have therefore “lost” more than 50% of my friends.
But TODAY is a new day.
Today:
… I get to fall in love with Brian again. :: My new marriage to the same man has introduced a love I have never known before. I get to tell him, every day, that I choose him. I get to experience REAL life with him, unbound from the chains of my past secrets. I get to be loved to a degree I have never known till now.
… I get to live a life of TRUE Restoration. :: The integrity I had before was a false sense of self. It became my obsession… another thing I could “control”. It made my “fall” a much scarier, longer drop from grace. Restoration, however, has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with Jesus. I don’t get to control this… so I can’t mess this one up.
… I get to invest into a deeper love with my girlfriends. :: Not all girls are mean. In fact, I have found the women of my life to be quite wise, truth speaking and loyal. Irreplaceable, actually. I get to spend 50% more of my time discovering a REAL community.
Though I’m still in mourning… today is a new day. Today, I get to kick Satan in the jingles and say, “YOU DON’T GET TO WRITE MY STORY!” I know that mourning these losses WILL propel me forward to the new life I have awaiting me… a better life. Today, I choose to live in the light. And with that… I say…
“Good Morning!”
The light of the morning will not arrive until the dark of the night passes.
You’re brave and strong my friend! I feel like maybe I’m one of those “new” girlfriends and look forward to building our friendship in person again very soon! We have a history, but we are both different people now who have been through difficult situations in our lives which now brings us back together. All in all, I believe God is SO creative in the way that He works things out. I would never wish the pain that either of us have been through on anybody, or even ASK God for that kind of pain, but due to our faith, we are both able to see the GOOD and POSITIVE things that have and will be coming out of the bad!!
I am praying for you and so excited to see you in a few days!! xoxo
Thanks, SJ! I am SO looking forward to seeing you soon. You ARE that strange new/old girlfriend. I am thankful for you.
Prayer Request here, for all y’all reading: I’ve already received many private notes about this post in the 4 hours it’s been up. Not many are commenting publicly on this probably due to the topic of this post… but MANY are hurting and relating. Please pray for the “unknown” commenters here. We are a broken people but restoration is around the corner, if we allow.
If you are reading this and it hits you as somewhat familiar… know you’re not alone in your feelings. Please shoot me a note (public or private) so that Brian and I can add you to our prayer list (which stays only between the two of us).
GOOD MORNING!!!
Hi!
A friend sent me your link with Sarah’s guest post. I’ve been following her story for awhile, and was so encouraged by reading through some of your story.
I can’t wait to read more!
Our marriage has suffered the same devastation; and I am so thankful to see so many women openly sharing their struggles around this issue. It is so hard to talk about; carries such a huge stigma of shame; but brings to light so much healing for the women who read, and are afraid to talk about it.
Blessings,
Lindsey