Jenni Clayville

I’ve received multiple emails/questions regarding my restored friendship with the wife of the man I had an affair with. Let’s call her “Jane” and him “Joe” for generics sake.

Jane and I were good friends before the affair… and even during (how horrible was I? I know!).

I understand it’s rare to not only survive an affair within a marriage, but to survive a friendship with the significant other you cheated with. There’s no “How To” book… because the reality is “I Shouldn’t Have” but somehow, God gave her forgiveness towards me.

For that, I am BEYOND thankful.

At this point, I’ve probably written responses to over 200 emails about this specific subject, so it seems obvious that this is a topic of interest, but one that’s rarely talked about. I thought I’d address the five most asked questions here. I’m going to break it up into two days… so it’s kind of a mini-series.

** Note: my answers to these questions are solely my opinion, what I’ve done and what I would maybe do differently in my specific circumstance.

So… here are questions 1 & 2:

1.  HOW DID YOU TELL HER?

I called her. She was the first person I called after I told Brian & my Pastor. I would have done a face-to-face if we were in the same city, but at that time, it just wasn’t possible. Jane deserved real person contact because we were real life friends. Your situation may be different. If you didn’t actually KNOW the significant other, my thought is you STILL need to tell her… but I’d start with an email.

When I called, I asked if she had a free hour. It’s not fair to drop a bomb like this if she’s JUST about to go out to her kids field trip, ya know? She said she was free right then. And I just said, “I need to tell you something really horrible… so are you sitting down?” After I was certain she was seated, I told her what I had done and I apologized… the best as I could.

If the person you are telling is about to head out to do something important, make an “appointment” for a follow-up time to talk. Otherwise, you may chicken out.

2.  IS IT NECESSARY FOR ME TO TELL “JANE”?

Not as important as it is to tell your spouse…

But, my opinion? YES! Other people’s answers may vary… but the “golden rule” is to treat others the way you want to be treated. Most people would want to know if this was going on in their marriage. If you truly want to repent and make things right, you NEED to bring it to the light. It wasn’t my job to worry about what happened to their marriage… but it WAS my job to offer the *appropriate* information. I say “appropriate” because there is NO reason for you to give her DETAILS. Speak in categories… not details.

I would also add this: if your motive to telling her is to get back at him… then you’re not ready to tell her… and you’re not really repentant and open for change. If this is the case, I would encourage you to invest in counseling and NOT contact your “Jane” at all until you can honestly say you want the best for them. You will only cause more damage… and that is not in the best interest of ANYONE, including yourself.

Part Two: Questions 3, 4 & 5 to be answered tomorrow…

… so hold your horses!