Continued from yesterday of the Top FIVE most asked questions about the restoration of my friendship to “Jane” (the wife of the man I had an affair with).
Yesterday, I answered:
1. How did you tell her?
2. Is it necessary for me to tell “Jane”?
To find my responses, CLICK HERE.
Now, for the rest…
3. IS YOUR FRIENDSHIP RESTORED TO HOW IT WAS BEFORE?
Has she forgiven me? Yes.
Are we friends? Yes.
Is it like before? No.
I had to do a lot of work for awhile. I had to answer a lot of her questions about certain timelines. She didn’t think of all these questions during our first call due to shock… so I HAD to give her this time. Again… very important. Do not share in details… but in CATEGORIES (as my friend, Ang, says)! There were questions she asked that I told her would be a question she needed to ask Joe if she really wanted to know. My true desire for them was restoration as well… and sharing details that SHOULD come from the spouse won’t help them.
When she came “home”… I MADE sure we had a face-to-face meeting. I was expecting her to slap me when she saw me… but she never did. She hugged me instead.
4. DO YOU TWO HANG OUT ALL THE TIME AGAIN?
No.
Though we HAVE spent some time together, restoration in THIS specific friendship means we don’t hang out 24/7. Unlike Brian & my marriage, Joe & Jane’s marriage doesn’t look like it’s gonna make it…. so when Jane & I used to spend more time together, it only enhanced the hurt of differences… for both of us. Though she was VERY happy that Brian and I were choosing to work through it, it was in her face that she was facing the end of her marriage. And though I love her greatly, the last thing I needed to hear was every detail of divorce proceedings and what Joe was up to.
She needed “THAT” friend to spill these things to… but it couldn’t be me. I wasn’t equipped… nor am I the appropriate friend for what she needed and deserved.
5. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT STILL BEING IN CONTACT WITH JOE?
I don’t.
We are no longer in contact. We haven’t been since I’ve talked to Jane.
First: if you want your marriage to heal… you CANNOT still be in contact with the sin that BROKE your marriage. I’m not saying that Joe broke your marriage, because it takes two to tango… so you need to own up to your part. However… if you “stay friends” it will NEVER work. You must cut all ties.
Second: if you want to have a truly restored relationship with Jane, you MUST leave her marriage alone. Why would you stay in contact with him if you’re really interested in making things right with her? It doesn’t matter if her marriage is ending or not… you’ve done enough. Many of you have mentioned that you feel like you’re stuck in the middle of their feuding. It’s not your job to fix her marriage or make things right in THAT department. So, remove yourself from the middle.
Walk away. Delete all his contact info. No “and’s”, “if’s” or “but’s”. And if he calls you…
… LET YOUR HUSBAND ANSWER THE PHONE.
Such wonderful practical advice. You really are an inspiration.
wow! thanks… but i’m just hoping my icky experience helps guide someone a different direction to avoid unfixable mistakes.
I was “JANE” once… we’ll call the other girl “HEIFER”.
JK.. How about “HEATHER”.
At first I tried to be “Christ-like” by staying friends with “HEATHER”. But eventually the Lord let me know that I didn’t need to “throw my pearls to pigs” so-to-speak because more than anything, the difference was that “HEATHER” didn’t think she had done anything wrong because of semantics and “time line”.. thought she had already contacted “JOE” to offer “friendship” behind my back while I was with him. So.. to me.. very similar.. almost same.
In the end, I forgave “HEATHER”, but I don’t talk to her. I don’t keep in touch with her. As fun and wonderful a person she is… I personally didn’t feel there was any reason for me to restore that friendship. Mistakes are what they are.. if they’re bad enough, we get to decided if we want to be on our merry way without the other. If I see her in the future, I’m sure it will be civil. Awkward. But civil.
As for “JOE”. We’ve touched base every now and again… but of course.. same thing. I don’t really have a good reason to maintain or restore that relationship.
I figure, If it doesn’t add to the value of my life now.. it’s ok to go without. No harm done.
Thanks Jen for sharing. I know it takes a lot to keep on hashing out the previous choices made. But at least you know you are forgiven for them and you are not held any longer by those choices. I appreciate you so much for opening your story so that others who are caught in similar cycles can know there is hope.
As for me.. I just wanted to speak from someone who was “JANE”. Very interesting topic Jen.
thanks, nae!!!
you should also clarify that you were a PRE-MARRIED Jane. you didn’t become Jane while you were married. your Joe was a boyfriend. i know it feels the same, but it’s not the same as what happens within a marriage.
yes, this experience happened before I was married. But I was in a committed relationship nonetheless. Betrayal is betrayal. Cheating is cheating. The hurt that comes from that experience can be just as devastating for some. The biggest difference would be that of course, the depth of commitment is much greater when you’ve moved to marriage.. we were months away from engagement.. so I’d say it was pretty close.
THANK GOD however that that relationship never panned out. I am so much better for it and blessed!! God can use all things painful and ugly and make it so extremely beautiful!
I was also friends with the “Jane” in my story. I did reach out to her about 6 months after the affair but her response then asked me not to contact her again and that she would contact me if, and when, she was ever ready.
I honestly felt I would never hear from her again–and it was hard because I so badly wanted to apologize and ask for forgiveness.
She eventually sent me a letter offering forgiveness, almost 2 years later. And I was BLOWN AWAY by how much God had shown her in regards to the situation and my state of mind during the affair, without me having to say a word.
I was also blown away by her concern for my soul and relationship with God. That letter, in fact, sent me on the path I am now, as her letter was one of the factors in my realizing that I had only dealt with the “sin” at the point, not the issues that led me to there in the first place.
She doesn’t know it, but God used her and her mercy in big ways in my life since.
And sometimes, I wish she could know me now that God really has a hold of me. Regret is so hard.
Blessings~
Lindsey
How wonderful, Lindsey!
You should write your Jane a letter to tell her of her ministry to you. It’s difficult not having a possible lifetime friend because of choices you made. I TOTALLY get that.
That’s the part of sin that really sucks… the consequences.
such awesome advice… i wish, even without cheating involved, that some of the young women i work with would understand this “no contact” rule… it takes courage, yes, but in the long run, saves hearts. thanks for sharing…
Jenni…this is a great series of posts. I know how hard some of this is to write, but I know a lot of people who I talk to weekly that need to read it. Thanks for sharing from your heart.
thanks, Justin!
it’s difficult to write out every time… it’s like re-living it. however, it’s never as difficult as that first time working through it cuz we REALLY worked through it.
our prayer is this will help others so they don’t have to walk this lonely road.