Our friends, Justin and Trisha Davis have been instrumental in the confession and healing of Brian and my dysfunctional marriage.
They spoke truth to us when everyone else was speechless.
They listened, even when I had nothing else to say.
They loved me when I was most undeserving.
They did this because they had BEEN where we were. They did all this because they already knew what was next for us. The only difference for them was our roles were reversed. Trish = Brian & Justin = me. Criss Cross Applesauce… ish.
Through complete vulnerability and authenticity, Justin & Trish have helped many, MANY couples through marriage junk. Their willingness to be raw and unfiltered leads the rest of us to drop our facade and desire truth as they do. As God wants us to.
I’m thankful that two of my good friends are speaking out here today. This morning, we start with Justin.
Justin’s Blog: www.refineus.org
Justin’s Twitter: @justindavis33
********************************
There are certain things that I write about and talk about that are harder than others. The most difficult things to discuss for me are the personal, intentional decisions that I made to have an affair. Selfish. Cruel. Mean. Dark.
There are some things in life we can chalk up to circumstances. There are some things that we can attribute to someone else’s choices. But then there are the things in life that we choose that cause tremendous hurt and damage and have severe consequences. Those are what haunt me the most. My thoughts are typically “If I would have just chosen to do that one thing differently.” “Things could have been so much different if I would have done this…” Haunting.
I heard someone say one time in reference to making mistakes “You can stub your toe a hundred times, but you can only cut your throat once.” For me, I had two decision points…one that was near fatal, and one that decimated not only my family, but also another family and an entire church.
About eight weeks before the affair started, I found myself talking with a good friend. He was sharing with me from his heart. Sharing with me his struggles. Sharing with me some issues with his marriage. In that moment, I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit, “Justin, you can share your struggles with him. You can share your lust issues with him. You can share your pornography issues with him. This is safe…you can be free.”
As quickly as that prompting came to mind, so did fear. Fear of being judged. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of being seen as a failure. Fear of being fired.
That one decision, to hide, set up the kill shot.
A few weeks later, I was in the middle of planning out a message series on “Things that Jesus Said.” The message that I was working on was centered on the passage where Jesus said, “If your eye causes you to sin, gauge it out.” In my mind, I knew that I had impure thoughts about this woman. I knew in my mind that I was sinning by hiding my thoughts and my feelings. So rather than talk with a friend; rather than have coffee with a pastor buddy of mine that loved and cared for me; instead of talking to my wife about this, I chose to go to this individual and share my feelings with her.
What is the most sick about this is that in my mind I was being spiritual. In my mind I was doing what was right. In my mind, this is what Jesus would want me to do. My mind was so jacked! By telling this person, I avoided accountability and gave her the opportunity to reciprocate.
Fatal mistake.
My marriage ended that day. By the grace and mercy of God I have been recreated. By the unconditional love and forgiveness of my wife, our marriage has been restored. I’m forever grateful.
I often think how things would have been different if I would have shared my struggles with a friend. Because of that, part of my passion is to provide a safe place to have honest conversations before the fatal mistake is made.
What if there were a place for leaders, pastors and people to go and share their struggles before they become fatal? How many marriages could be saved? How many affairs could be avoided? How many kids could live with both parents instead of alternating weekends?
Can I just encourage you to not make the same mistake I did? If you have feelings for someone in your office; if you have lustful thoughts about someone at the gym; if you are in an increasingly intense texting or Facebook relationship with someone who isn’t your spouse…tell someone. Don’t move from stubbing your toe to cutting your throat. It will be fatal.
*************************
Justin… thank you for sharing this here! I LOVE how you are so honest about life here… and how to live it well and with integrity… because integrity isn’t as much about yesterday as it is about today and tomorrow.
Thank you for sharing your heart here, my friend!
Such a great point!!! The moment of confession, before it gets worse, is the road to healing!! Thank you for sharing with us.
So true Natalie…thank you!
The illustration is perfect! Stubbing toes vs cutting throats… Raw is right. And good.
Thanks Krister.
Wow. So powerful. But your post missed one thing, Justin. Four simple words: Tell someone… WHO CARES ABOUT YOU.
I don’t write about this. Heck, I don’t even TALK about it. With anyone. But a few years ago, I got involved in an intense online relationship. It never went any further than being online, but it easily could have and it’s only by the grace of God that it didn’t. And I did tell someone. A couple someones, in fact. But neither of them took a tough love stance with me. Neither of them tried to give me any beneficial guidance. Both basically said, “You’ll get through it.”
Huh? What does that even mean? Why didn’t they try to give me the right advice, which would’ve been “STOP RIGHT NOW”? I don’t know.
I agree that it’s important to tell someone what’s going on in your heart. But it’s important that the someone be a person who cares about you, who wants what’s best for you, and isn’t going to enable you.
Luckily, I only stubbed my toe. It could’ve been so much worse.
So true…someone who cares about you is a MUST! Great point!
Justin, dude you are awesome. Thank you as always for your transparency and desire to share your story to help others. One thing I’m learning about accountability in my relationships is to tell people that I’m not afraid of their sin. I let them know that I don’t judge them and I won’t let anything they tell me run me off.
I’m thankful that I have a few people in my life that say the same thing to me and that I can be vulnerable in a safe place. I pray that we all find those people we can walk through this issues with. None of us can do it alone.
Jenni, love your blog too and happy to come across it through Justin’s. I just started following you on Twitter!
Thanks for the follow, Tony!
And all you say about surrounding yourself with real accountability is exactly what we need, but what we avoid. It’s so hard to see ourselves for what we really are… imperfect.
Tony…thank you so much. None of us can do it alone! Amen!
GREAT post, Justin! Oh that the church would become a place where we could connect at weakness instead of believing the lie that we need to impress with our strengths.
Thank you so much Traylor! That is my prayer!
Some of what my blogger friends Tal and Traylor are trying to do is create an environment where accountability structures are set up to help folks in this exact situation (http://route1520.com). Justin what you guys are doing with RefineUs (http://refineus.org) strikes me as the same thing.
I LOVE that the body of Christ is starting to talk about this more… thanks for your courage Justin!
Thanks Jenny! I love what Tal and Traylor are doing!
I equate secrets to darkness… keeping sinful secrets is keeping something hidden in the dark. By talking about it, we shed light on it. Better to allow the Light of Christ in our lives than to remain in the darkness where satan can hide and fester.
I’m so grateful for Trisha’s unconditional love and devotion to you, Justin. You are both blessed to have each other. We’re blessed to have you sharing so transparently with us.
Thank you.
I too am so grateful for her unconditional love! Can’t wait for her to share her heart tomorrow.
I’m standing an applauding, Justin – hope you can hear me!
I heard Beth Moore teach on 2 Corinthians 4:2 one time and she said, “You can bet that whenever there is shame and secrecy involved that the Enemy is all over that situation.” That has so stuck with me and been a good check from the Spirit for me. Thanks so much for all you guys do to make a difference for people like me.
Thank you Nikki…such good wisdom there!
ditto Traylor’s comment
Thanks David!
So honored to be a part of such a powerful week. Thank you for the opportunity. As grateful as I am to write here i am more thankful for amazing grace from God and forgiveness from my wonderful wife!
amen to that, brotha!
What great wisdom you share, Justin! God is redeeming your suffering and Trisha’s suffering with each person you help.
Thank you Cindy! Daily redeeming! So thankful.
Justin,
We need to hang out again soon even if it’s only online. I really appreciate how you speak boldly and openly share exactly where you messed up. You don’t stop there, you talk about what you did to correct your mistakes and you talk about how you could have avoided it all together.
This post is an awesome reminder of how important it is for me to truly engage with strong accountability with my trusted friends. It has to be intentional and not just occasional. My mission is now clear, thanks for sharing so openly!
Wow…thank you so much. I appreciate your friendship so much! Thank you for being a grace-giver! Can’t wait to hang out more…even if it is on Skype!
I am SO thankful for practical, honest advice. Such a blessing and encouragement! I don’t want my naive or sheltered history to be my throat cutting death. When you expose and share what you have learned you literally SAVE my healthy, yet never perfect, marriage from the same death. Blessings on you and your wife on your freedom together!
Thank you Heather…praying for you!
This hits so close to home for me as well~ a few weeks before my already emotional affair turned physical; I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to make a choice to turn away. I arranged to drive to a retreat with his wife, and was absolutely ready to tell her what had been escalating in my friendship with her husband. Then, halfway there, she stopped and picked up her best friend so I thought I would do it on the way home. They on the way home she took someone else at the last minute. And during the conversation where they asked me how my marriage was going, I let me feelings get hurt over something the wife had not shared with me– that my husband had already confessed an emotional affair to her husband months before.
My fatal mistake was letting Satan make me feel justified right then and there in hurting her back. In judging her not telling me. In completely ignoring the plank in my own eye and focusing on what I thought was hers.
I often feel like so much pain could have been avoided if I had just spoken up. But I can’t deny that while God didn’t make my choose the path I did, He did use it and the subsequent brokenness of my husband and myself to bring about absolute beauty and true salvation in our lives.
Justin and Trisha are the real deal~ they truly care about restoring marriages and renewing relationships in Christ. I don’t know where we would be without their guidance these last few months.
Wow…thank you so much Lindsey! God is using you and Josh and your story to reveal and reflect his glory. We are thankful for you!
Justin, your story and mine are eerily similar. I can definitely relate to when you say, “My mind was so jacked!” I am so thankful for a prayerful and faithful wife who stuck with me through it all and forgave me.
And now I am equally thankful for two great male friends who I meet with every week. We hold each other up in prayer, we speak truth into each other’s lives. We ask the hard questions and give the hard answers. We love and look out for each other. I know what deadly places I can wind up in without them, and I do not want to go there ever again. Every guy needs other godly men in his life, to hold each other accountable and become the cord of three strands that is not easily broken.
So true Larry…thank you for sharing!
This is so good. Something about the way that you walk through the process and choices show how easy it is for something seemingly small or simple to really be the point thing that starts the downward spiral. Thanks for your transparency.
Thanks Ingrid!
I did the same thing. I didn’t tell anyone – except the girl I was interested with. well, not really. It mutually grew till the point where we were deep into relationship and didn’t even know. I too thought I was being spiritual….
But accountability…. you need to have people who are mature enough to handle the responsibility. And I don’t know that I did.
Thank u for this….
I will tell you the same thing I commented on Jenni’s post last week Friday before this series started. I am scared to go through this series. It will bring up a lot of pain for me – esp since my pain is so fresh and we are still going through it.
But I will be here every day. By God’s grace.
My name is Robert. Pray for me…..
oh, Robert! we’re definitely praying for you.
I love the beauty of using what you learned through failure to be, for others, what you needed. Like a vaccination, the poison is turned into something that’s used for good.
Thanks Serena…if what almost killed us can help prevent other deaths then its worth it!
I’m very lost in the Blog cant find where it begins for today??
just click on the top banner. it will take you to my most current post.
boy, how this was awesome to read. so much that i forwarded to my husband. even though he is not in ministry but very much living two lives, my hope is that his one day coming back to his relationship to the Lord is around the corner. i have wanted to leave this mess of my marriage BUT God has always spoke to my heart and even though my, our situation seems so different. I know and believe God has a plan, one turning the bad into good. i hope one day that you and my husband juan will meet. he needs men like you to in his circle, in his corner…a phone call away to call to mentor, helping men who happens to have “A State of Emergency” moment. I TRULY BELIEVE GOD WILL USE HIS TESTIMONY TO HELP OTHERS…please pray for me that i don’t give up no matter what…
praying for you, elizabeth!