My empire came soon enough.
I moved to Portland, Oregon.
I met and married Brian.
I finished college at George Fox University with a 3.96 GPA (Social & Behavioral Sciences).
I was a full-time Worship Pastor for Students.
I oversaw a ministry leadership team of 50+.
I conquered a 3-year battle with “infertility” and had Chance.
I, I, I… me, me, me… I had more than I would ever need. But it wasn’t enough. I ALWAYS had to be better… I always wanted more.
To be honest, I never TRULY thought I was “all that”. In fact, I was certain I was nothing… but I gave everyone around me the appearance that I had “arrived”. If I wasn’t the best… you bet I worked day & night till I was. If I knew I couldn’t be “better” than you in “that”, I made sure I was better than you in something else. I thrived on hearing those words, “Jenni is SO good at ______.” I had EVERYTHING to prove.
… and everything to lose.
To the public, Brian and I were the couple that had it all. We had the big house, the thriving ministry, the coolest friends, the cutest, most well-behaved baby… blah blah blah. But what was REALLY happening behind the scenes? I was a ticking time-bomb.
My worship band was being asked to play extra gigs. We had two recording projects under our belt. I was stealing time away from my family to “DO MORE” for Ministry. This made me feel important… after all, I was doing all this for God, right? In “doing more”, all I was really doing was becoming less. I was burning out.
I left Student Ministries. I was aware enough to know I had lost myself in all of this… but I had NO idea where to start looking for me.
About this same time, we started losing all our “stuff“. I no longer working. Brian’s business was no longer flourishing. We couldn’t keep up with our house payments. We already lost one of our cars to the “repo-man”, and we were in the process of losing our house.
Brian barely had ANY of my time, and when we DID have a “date night”, I was distracted, to say the least. Brian and I rarely talked, but when we DID talk, it often ended in a disagreement. The disagreement would end with me EXPLODING on him. This made it impossible for Brian to EVER want to pursue or be open with me.
I didn’t see it then, but I had become my Mother. I made Brian walk on eggshells. If we’re gonna REALLY be honest, I was just WAITING to see how far I could push Brian till he left me.
He didn’t.
That’s when I did the unthinkable. I dove head-first into an affair. The seven-year-old side of me thought I had finally found someone who really loved me and would pursue me. Finally. But the 28-year old side of me was ready to demolish my beautiful life… every blessing God had ever given me to show His love for me. I was about to ruin everything I had ever worked and hoped for because deep down, I didn’t believe I deserved any of it.
I was destroying my Empire with my own two hands…
(to be continued – stay tuned for the LAST of this series)
————–
I found your blog from inProgress’ place. I read (& listened to) your story with much interest. You see, I am also telling the truth after a life-long truth-sabbatical. Your courage and openness encourages me.
You preparing to write a book? (I’d totally buy!)You are a great and honest writer! I love reading your story and seeing how you point to God.
xoxoxo
What do I say to that? Praying!
ric – glad to see you here. the truth is where we need to be, but it’s really difficult living there when it’s so foreign to us. i’ll be praying for you!
alli – hahaha… i don’t think so. i’ve just been so suppressed on my blog for so long, i’m kinda just letting it all out now. remember… this place used to be a real authentic place. trying to bring it back. brian thinks i should write a book though.
toby – thank you! i will ALWAYS be in process.
Jenni thanks so much for opening yourself up. Getting it all out there is like light to the mold. I was really blessed in reading this.
Thank you for being so honest. I have been and will continue to pray for you.
Kevin & Jason… thanks for stopping by here. honesty is SO freeing… once we choose to be. that’s the hard part, right?
Love the way you share, Jenni, so full of insight, wisdom and truth. I feel as though it’s totally wrong to feel this way, but in a way, it’s fascinating to me to see the cause and effect in people’s life experiences — the impact in their lives and seeing God totally turn things around.
I agree — very liberating to let it all out, tearing the walls down completely. I did that last fall on my blog, and it opened up the floodgates of blessings. It’s very beautiful and cathartic to completely freefall into His arms this way. Ironic that the fear of speaking up that held us prisoner is the fear of the very thing that sets us free. God’s pretty brilliant that way!
Wow.
Aside from the infidelity, you could be writing my story. Thanks for sharing your empowerment.