We shared our story with our church.
Our church wept with us. Our church celebrated our choice to fight the odds. We were prayed over, accepted, embraced and supported. We partially expected judgement, but instead, we received grace.
Brian and I were blown away by the amazing response.
We’ve experienced a death. A death in our old marriage. Our counselor wisely said, “I know you guys aren’t looking at divorce as an option, but a divorce MUST happen. You must divorce your old marriage and start new.” We still have bad days… this isn’t magic, but I can honestly say that we have WAY more good days than we ever had… even before the affair.
You may be wondering why I decided to “come out” with my secret. After all… no one would have ever known. You’re right. But God knew… and I knew. Not only was I NOT immune to an affair, but I was VERY capable of one. I really had to destroy any and ALL chances of this ever happening again. This was how. God’s desire for us is to live in truth… in the light. Nothing that lives in darkness can survive.
“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” ~Matthew 23:27
I was destroying myself with my secret. It was time to clean the tomb out. Besides, I didn’t need a tomb because Christ offers LIFE that’s eternal.
I’d like to say that this story has a fairy tale ending… a “Happily Ever After.” However, it’s more like a “Once upon a time…”
Even though there is still hurt and pain swirling around us, we knew it was time to break the lineage to generational sin. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me in revealing my ugly truth, but I knew I needed to FINALLY obey God, no matter the cost to me.
I can actually SEE God blessing our family because of our obedience. Brian and I are closer than we’ve ever been… EVER. We’ve been married since 2001. I’m not saying life is perfect or that we don’t fall into some of our old patterns, but OVERALL, I have never experienced life, love or joy like this.
It’s going to continually be up and down for us… but I KNOW I’m truly, honestly living an authentic life with no secrets holding me down.
God is healing Brian.
God is redeeming me.
God is restoring us to something greater than it ever was before.
Besides experiencing a REAL marriage and life with Brian, the best of all this is how deeply I’ve found myself falling for Jesus. I’ll be honest… I don’t always invite him into every part of my day. I sometimes feel like I need to protect JESUS from my dysfunction – as if Jesus needs to be protected from anything, but the good thing is I’m inviting him in more and more… and he is cleaning house!
In all of this, I no longer question if I married the “right” man. I now know, the “deep” feelings I had for that other man, though it felt VERY real at the time, was really just my projected need to be loved and desired. Brian has stepped up and become that. Or… maybe he’s been that the whole time, but I just didn’t let him in.
Brian KNOWS my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
Brian finishes my sentences.
Brian knows my thoughts just by looking at me.
Brian pursues me.
But GOD gives me confidence in all of this. Confidence in Brian.
We are very much still in the healing process and we have only made it to this point by the grace of God and the constant, unrelenting prayers of our friends and family.
“But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the doors of the jail and brought them out. “Go, stand in the temple courts,” he said, “and tell the people the full message of this new life.”
~ Acts 5:19-21
We’re hoping that by us sharing our story WHILE we’re in the midst of healing, that you can see the hope that is Christ Jesus. We hope you can see redemption is real and very possible for all of us no matter how ugly the sin looks. Our desire is you will stop hiding…
Believe it or not… you’re not alone.
You’re FAR from being alone.
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To read OUR STORY from beginning to end:
WOW…. I am captivated by this story, by your honesty and the love that God is creating thru your “Breaking up with your marriage” our story is much different but same end result, We too need to Break up, the old is dead and stinks, its just awfully scary to think about. I wrote this quote down from your blog… and am going to think on it… “I don’t always invite him into every part of my day. I sometimes feel like I need to protect JESUS from my dysfunction ” I think this too. funny how twisted we can make things…
There hasn’t been an affair with another person, but with alcohol my husband chose it over all other, it came in uninvited and lived in our home, destroyed every fiber almost like a slow burning fire… it brought mental illness, shame, terror and scars… now that he doesn’t drink the effects are still long lasting. At times the trauma brain still reacts out of now where…. it still wakes me in the nite, wonder will it come back, do I smell smoke, at times I could things so tight there isn’t room for Jesus… we need a rebuilding, there needs to be a clean break, a “do over” like when we were kids…
Living in the light of freedom in HIM.
Kristi – I know… isn’t it funny how we really think Jesus needs to be protected from our junk when the TRUTH is he’s come to relieve us from it? I’m still learning. Got a long way to go. Good thing God is patient.
I am sooooo happy that we have found a deeper and stronger love as we have worked through the healing process. Looking forward to many years of joy and fulfillment with you.
we have been through this. The pain, the mind running wild, worry about others judging us…then it came down to this..
God asked me if I trust HIM? I am learning to trust HIM more. Its amazing how God takes the bad and makes it good. HE restored this marriage, and made it better than it ever was. Oh i still get wierd remarks like “how can you trust him?” or “how are things really?”
I learned that my man is not a God, he will never be able to totally fill all my voids, and he will let me down from time to time because he is human, and this takes the pressure off of him. God is the only one who can fill my voids, and the only one who will never let me down.
The enemy came to seek and destroy anyone and everyone who is drawing close to the LORD, no one is above this happening to them.
Because of the blood of the Lamb, and the word of your testimony, the enemy is hurled down! i love you both very much, keep your eyes on Jesus, and amazing restoration that is unexplainable is going to happen.
Your vulnerability and courage touches me. A friend said to me once, “There is nothing sadder in the human condition than unredeemed suffering.”
Jenni & Brian, God is redeeming your suffering right now. He has asked you to take your loss and turn it into contribution and you have obeyed even though it hurts like crazy.
Proud of you both and hope our paths cross one day.
sitting here in starbucks with tears in my eyes.
God is indeed making all things new…
thank u for sharing. your story has taught me to look through the eyes of grace instead of focusing on the pain. looking forward to chat with u soon. =]
Jenni and Brian I have just read your story in two sittings and i cried with you and i laughed at the humorourous expressions you described your expeience with COLOUR and Feeling..and I thank you for reminding me to INvite God in all my days, to fall in love with God all over again to find Him and pursue Him an leave my worries with Him..I identify with you Jenni cos I felt the pain of divorce too and Iam thanking the Lord for the hard choices of obedience wrought over the despairing ones..and yes you are both right we do not discover until we make painful mistakes that we need to CHANGE to be renewed by Him..GOD’s Grace is sufficient and is YOURS and Mine and let us celebrate Jesus For ALL That he is for Us!
thank you, all!!! i am beyond humbled by your grace. i still have a lot to learn and really am enjoying the learning process — though some of it hurts quite a bit. i’ve seen what good can happen after the pain though… and definitely want more of that.
All I can say is… wow.
I’m trying to type as I wipe the tears away. What an incredible story of the power of God in the lives of two people who were willing to risk following Him.
Thank you for sharing your story and for letting God work in and through your pain and healing.
Wow.
thank you, pat. God is in the business of miracles… and though it’s easy to say that, it’s not easy to fully believe that EVERY day. i’m still in process.
looking forward to meeting you in REAL life one day, friend.
Beautiful, powerful, unforgettable…
As for Jesus wanting to rid us of our junk, my best friend once gave me a perfect analogy for it… “Jesus reaches into our hearts, and pulls out the muck we’ve piled into it… and we look into His eyes, turn our eyes to the muck, pick it up from Him, and put it back into our hearts. We do this. We put it back when He’s so willing to reach into our hearts and clean them out for us…”
Jenni… reading your story hit me hard. The feelings you described about the “other guy” were EXACTLY what I have felt. My affair remained on the emotional level, but has been just as devastating as a “full blown” affair. I’ve learned through my experience that an affair is an affair, whether it involved anything physical or not. My husband and I are working through it, with the help of our church family and a professional counselor. We were asked to put our faith in God by cutting out a much needed 50% of our income. The affair was with a guy that I work with, and I will be quitting my job within the next few weeks. Please pray that this aids us in the restoration process. Thank you so much for being obedient to God and sharing your story!
absolutely praying for you. and kudos for stepping out in faith and working it out despite the difficulty of it all.
What a beautiful testament of God’s grace! I think of the quote by CJ Mahaney: “Only those who truly recognize their sin can truly cherish grace.” Thanks for being so transparent and allowing God to use you to share His restorative love and grace w/ others.
Chanced upon your site. I’m encouraged by your story of infidelity. No…I’m not in one. God has blessed me with a wonderful, secured marriage of 8 yrs now. However I do know of many friends & even family who have gone / is going through this. Sad to say, they are either divorced / going thru divorce, don’t know GOD to work it out. In all I pray that they will come to know our Christ Jesus who can help just like how / what He did for you and Brian.
Keep trusting in the Lord. You know He knows best! He IS your EVERLASTING STRENGTH!! & Brian’s too.
God Bless you & your family. Fight to be together always. Hugs. Pearl, Malaysia.
thanks, pearl, for stopping by and commenting. appreciate you words
Jenni and Brian,
THANK YOU for sharing your story. I had a three month affair and confessed to my husband about it in April. He tried for two months to forgive me. We went to counseling, we stayed up talking many, many nights. I’ll admit that I did not fathom the FULL extent of what I had done, and that reflected in my behavior in those months after my confession. I don’t know what was wrong with me, but I just didn’t get it. It wasn’t until my husband could no longer deal with the pain and stay married to me, that I realized the devastation I had inflicted on my sweet family. He moved out and we filed for divorce. It was THE SINGLE MOST devastating process I have ever experienced. Telling our kids, having to share custody, divide our finances…all of it KILLED me. I realized that I had been living a double life, not just through infidelity but also in the manner in which I made decisions. So in the darkest hour of my life I prayed. I hadn’t prayed in years. I was TRULY at rock bottom. I lost everything. And miraculously after two months of divorce proceedings my husband slowly began to soften. We are now back together (we have yet to get rid of his apartment). He is home, we have told the kids that he is here to stay. I could not be happier. We have a long road, I know. Any advice you have would be great!! There isn’t a lot of support for women who have had affairs and are remorseful. And I know my husband feels very alone and isolated in his journey of healing and forgiveness. He doesn’t have any one who truly understands what he’s going through. I wish I had stumbled upon this blog and Sarah Markley’s blog before I let my husband walk out the door. But, nevertheless, everything happens for a reason. Once again thank you both for opening up your world to others who really need it. It’s very courageous! THANK YOU!!
AMB — we know exactly how to pray for you and your family.
the female side of the affair is quite silent… but it’s getting louder because a few of us are talking about it. it was really scary to talk about at first… but you would not believe how many women have come out of the darkness because of this. deep down, none of us want to be judged or admit that we are THAT messed up. but we are. at least i am.
you may feel like you wish some of your life happened in a different order, like finding me and my friend, Sarah, earlier… but i can promise you this: God is ALWAYS on time. ALWAYS.
it’s your time right now. and it’s gonna hurt like hell… but it’s your time. and you are NOT alone.
Thank you for sharing your story and allowing your journey to minister to others. I can completely identify with your ups and downs. Bad times and really great times. We are in a far better place, far closer than we’ve ever been before. I’ve regressed though I think, as time has passed and other life dramas have come to require attention, and have stopped seekin God for ongoing restoration and healing. Very few people know so it’s easier for us to move on but in so doing, through reading your story and your renewal vows, I realize that I’ve allowed myself to feel like the victim again- resentment and bitterness are creeping back in. I will meditate and reflect on both of your hearts before God and toward one another to get back on the healing course that God still wants to take us on. Please know that your journey is ministering to my life and ultimately our marriage and family!!
JFD — that’s totally a normal part of life. Brian and I have done that too. Recognizing it is what helps us stay away from falling from each other again. To expect yourself to be in the perfect place of being healed forever isn’t realistic… so don’t be too hard on yourself. But it may be time to get outside help again.
Hi Jenni,
I thank God for your obedience and courage to share your story. My marriage has been in shambles since the day after our wedding(or at least feels like it). My husband and I have no real communication, trust or respect for one another. He has accused me of infidelity since the beginning of our marriage and for the first time in our marriage, I’m vulnerable enough for it to happen. I’m watchful and careful of who I speak to and do not solicit any communication with other men but I am soooo hurt right now. My past is filled with the mistakes I’ve made. I’m devatsted and really need help. You could say this is my cry for help. He is a leader in the church, head of men’s ministry and everyone respects and so they should. There isn’t a sole I could tell that my love tank is beyond empty. I’m terrified. I want so desperately to loved, cherished, pursued by my husband but I don’t know if I would be strong enough to resist if it were someone else. I’m asking of your prayers. God bless.
oh sweet vanessa! i am so sorry. this has been such a long and difficult journey for you. i can read it in your words here. i can feel it. and in this moment… i just want you to know you are NOT alone. not at all.
we are all in search of love, respect and our own significance. all we want is to know we are beautiful and worthy… to someone. and YOUR someone has failed you. he has.
you are extremely aware of how vulnerable you are… and that is FAR ahead of where i was 5.5 years ago. that puts you miles ahead of the rest of us… and that in itself is worthy of recognition.
vanessa… you are beautiful. you are worthy of love. you are an amazing being with some amazing talents and gifts that only YOU possess because God specifically put them in you. and what you’re going through may feel alienating, but you are not an alien. you don’t have to do this alone. we are here to provide some guidance through your journey. just let us know if you want some. click on the contact photo and send me an email. we can go from there.
we are praying alongside you.
Vanessa, your story sounds so much like ours mius the accusations of infidelity. By the time we were 15 years in to our marriage I’m sure my husband could have written your words above. What brought us there in my mind was legitimate – inability to hold down jobs, financial stress, his binge drinking culminating in two DUI charges with associated legal fees. We “sort of separated” which felt like my only way to get his attention not knowing that I was contributing to much of his despair because of lack of respect and conditional love. He did find someone who would listen and made him feel attractive and though his boundaries were clear and firm for a while through his despair and drinking the enemy used this woman to lure him to cross a line he had vowed he would never cross. The sad thing is God was working on me and changing my heart to see him as God saw him and to love him unconditionally but I didn’t show this to my husband in time. He didn’t want to be there but said He had lost hope that I would ever want him. The scales fell from my eyes and the disclosure marked the beginning of what now is an amazing relationship and I echo what so many have said – that without this wake up, we wouldn’t have the relationship we have now.
All this to: 1) encourage you to not lose hope and give up!! God maybe working something in your husband that you have no idea about 2) let your husband or a counsellor know where you’re at. As much as you feel you can’t disclose, recovering from an affair is much harder. I wish my husband had let me know how close he was to the edge.
I’ve just started spending time in these forums and have been asking God how I encourage and give back – I felt strongly to reply to you. I pray that you can lean in to Jesus, gather strength and wisdom from all the things he’s doing in all of these relationships and not give up. God can work this out for good. I wish I could give you a hug- maybe my regrets having been in your husbands shoes is a start.