In mid-2006, I stepped into an affair. This man… and his wife were couple friends of ours long before the affair began. However, the affair took flight after working deeply in ministry together. The affair lasted two years.
Even though Brian and I had become “glorified roommates”, I knew I still loved him. I obviously didn’t show it with my actions. I knew I never wanted to leave Brian… but I couldn’t believe how quickly and deeply I had fallen for this other man.
Could it be possible that I married the wrong man?
He knew my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
He could finish my sentences.
He knew my thoughts just by looking at me.
He pursued me.
He gave me confidence.
This man wasn’t an evil predator that seduced married women for his own gain. We were (inappropriately) BEST FRIENDS. Though he had made that first move, I was the one who hooked him and didn’t let go. Instead of seeking God or going to my husband, I used this other man to fill a very empty hole in my life. And because he was/is just another hurt human being in search for something, we fell deeper.
In the confusion of thinking I was in love with TWO men, the one person I really didn’t love…
… was myself.
As most do, my affair ended. I tried to LIVE with this deep, dark secret. I knew the other man would never say anything. No one would ever know. I thought I could live AND DIE with this secret. I thought I was protecting Brian and Chance by keeping this secret from them, when in reality, I was just trying to protect the very little of myself I had left. I was convinced that if I kept this to myself that I could MAKE this work. I knew if anyone ever found out, I would lose everything. Worst of all, I locked God out of my life.
I lived every day trying to make what I did wrong… right. It was all works based. I said to myself, “I CAN DO THIS!!!” And by some standards, I did. I was FINALLY being a good wife. I was dedicated to Brian… to Chance… to my church. But, I felt myself withdrawing from life.
Paxton was born November of 2008 and I fell into the deepest depression I had ever experienced. I blamed it on post-partum (partially true) but I knew where the root of my personal hell was coming from… and the worst part was, I didn’t allow anyone to come and help bear my burden. Not even Jesus. ESPECIALLY not Jesus.
Fast forward to April of 2009. A couple we now consider good friends, Justin & Trish Davis shared their story with us. Long story short, Justin had an affair with Trisha’s best friend. In the pain of it all, they chose to work through it and stay married. I had HEARD about things like this happening but had never PERSONALLY known real people who stayed together after a full-blown affair. The part that stuck with me the most was how much God had restored Justin and Trisha’s relationship with Himself.
This was my hearts biggest desire.
I needed to tell Brian. I knew I could possibly lose everything. Brian could leave me. He could take the kids. I would be left friendless… family-less. My reputation that I had worked so long and hard at would be ruined… and I would deserve every bit of it. This would be the end of me.
For the record, my wife and I stayed together after a full-blown affair… mine. It was long, it was hard, and it was painful (and sometimes it still is) but oh, so worth it.
We never would have done it (or had the desire to) without God.
mike… never would have known. thank you for sharing, friend.
i love you and brian more and more every day!
thank you for this.
mike – praise God!!
Jenni,
Thank you for your honesty and courage in sharing this with the World. God has and will continue to honor you in your humility. Through it all I feel God moving us closer together and deepening our love for each other. I love you more every day!
Mike,
I echo what you said, you could not and would not have had the desire to get through something so painful without God’s help and love. He makes all things possible!
ur story brings healing to my soul. it helps me try to understand the “why’s” of my mother’s affair and helps me to see her in a different light..instead of operating on the “pain” that it caused our family. =] thank you for sharing it.
Thank you for sharing your story. By sharing you will help others heal and draw near to Jesus.
My husband and I survived after a full blown affair (mine – five years ago) and just celebrated our 11th anniversary. God has restored our relationship completely and our marriage is better than ever!
pa3cia – i’m so sorry! i hope you find the peace you’re looking for. i don’t know your mother, but what i CAN tell you is that your mother didn’t do this to hurt you. we are all flawed human beings. maybe you can have an open conversation with your mom about it.
misty – PRAISE GOD!!! it sound like the timing of all that you guys endured is about the same as ours.
tammit – love you too… lots… i miss seeing your face.
Brian – my sweet Brian… you know i couldn’t do this without you. i love you more than words!
so proud of you, jenni and brian. you are a great example for so many.
so
proud
of
you.
Jenni–so proud of u to not only tackle it head on, but to share it with those who need to hear it from an open, honest, and humble perspective.
As the ‘product’ of an affair (my mother’s) and the ‘victim’ of another (my ex’s), I appreciate your honesty.
Praying for u as u continue to move forward. Proud of ya!!
We love you guys!
So happy you’ve chosen the hard, narrow road to recovery. God is truly awesome.
thank you for this. really.
my story is very similar to yours. and yet very different. my husband decided to leave me after his affair came to light.
i so respect and admire your openness and transparency about your journey. thank you.
i am blown away by how our story is NOT a rare one. it saddens me, but at the same time, i see how not alone we are.
I just found your site from Refine Us. I am so amazed how God continues to transform even the messiest situations to His glory! Praising Him for your restoration… and the so many others out there in the making!
welcome, kristina! thanks for joining us here! God IS good!
Love to see the hope, redemption and restoration in your story — while it’s not necessarily ‘rare’ to hear stories of affairs, what there needs to be more of is stories of hope. It’s powerful.
You.are.loved.
thank you so much, JD. our story is definitely still in progress. just so grateful for second chances.
Whoa.I’m not married though but you guys are truly amazing.Especially Jenni, who just at the flick of Brian, confessed to almost all her closed ones without even thinking about herself (One question,didn’t you feel embarrassed). And Brian rep++ for forgiving.All the best for the rest of your life.
hey fenzomani. thanks for the comment and thanks for reading. to answer your question: i was totally embarrassed. it was honestly the most humbling thing i ever did. i thought i’d lose all my friends. and even if i didn’t lose them, i was sure they would judge me and talk behind my back for the rest of my life. so many of our friends and family proved me wrong though. thankful for that!