Jenni Clayville

Guest posted by: Brian Clayville

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The very thought of this was overwhelmingly humiliating for both of us.  Jenni had just conquered several years worth of fear by telling me her most painful secret and now a week later, I was asking her to expose this ugliness to all those closest to us.  She shut down in fear…

… but not for long.

Within 24 hours, Jenni did as I asked.  Our pastor and his wife were at our house the next night.  Jenni shared her story boldly, even though she knew she could lose her job as the Worship Pastor at the church.  This was a big deal because we really needed this income.  Our fear was quickly quieted and Jenni’s willingness to be honest was embraced.  Matt and Cindy were gracious, forgiving and supportive.  Not only did they choose to keep Jenni on staff, but they really helped us in many ways through our healing process. I can’t say many people in church leadership are like this.

Over the next few days, Jenni called our closest friends… the ones she had lied to and confessed her story.  One of her first calls was to the wife of the man she had the affair with.  That’s a whole different story, but I can tell you that she forgave Jenni and they are actively working through an amazing restoration in their friendship.  The reaction from the rest of our friends and family were varied but most were very forgiving and full of grace. I was and still am so proud of her for being willing to risk so much and to be so vulnerable.

The months following didn’t get any easier. I guess you can say I was going through the grieving process. I pulled back from life. Several times, I wanted to give up on our marriage and just escape the pain. Maybe a handful of people checked in on me or called to encourage me… but this was rare. I’m not saying this is their fault, but the reality is people didn’t know what to do or what to say, so they just did nothing.  Jenni and I had counseling but that was only an hour every week.

I felt abandoned.

The worst part was how distant I felt from God. I withdrew from Him just as I did from most people in my life. He felt so distant and irrelevant to me that I could not bring myself to pray or seek him with any consistency.

Finally, in mid-August, I knew it was time to stop focusing on my pain. It was MY turn to heal. It was time to come out of this desert.  I asked God to use my horrible reality for his Glory. It was not clear to me what that meant or how I would do it, but I MADE that decision.

Jenni arranged a last minute trip to my parents’ house in La Grande. We spent a lot of time praying, being quiet and just BEING together.  I found God again… right where I had left him.  This weekend away became an instrumental time for our marriage.  We were healing.  Not just the pretend-stuff-it-under-the-rug “healing”… but we were falling in love again.  Me and God… and me and Jenni.

We came home with a new hope, a new goal and a new future.  We were like newlyweds.  Everything was actually good, which was amazing because there was a time when I truly wondered if anything would ever be “good” again.  My marriage was… no… is GREAT!

This was when God decided to do as I had asked – use my horrible reality for His Glory.  In my quiet time with God, He spoke:

“It’s time for you to share your story…”

“WHAT???  Jen will NEVER go with this!  She had a hard enough time telling those closest to us!”  I argued back.  But God was going before us in a way I had never imagined.

Jenni came home from her staff meeting that day and said, “Matt (our pastor) wants us to share our story at church… and I think it’s time.”

We knew this was God ordained.  We knew it was time to finally obey God completely with our marriage.  We were scared spitless.  EVERYONE was going to know.  EVERYONE was going to judge us… judge Jenni…

… but it was time.

(… to be continued …)

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Read Our Story in order here:

Part One
Part Two