Sarah and I have a similarity in our life journey’s we’ll both never be proud of… yet it brought us together in our healing. I’m thankful for this because I’m quite certain we’ll be healing for the rest of our lives on earth.
I often find myself nodding and “mmhmm”-ing as I read Sarah’s writings because I’ve been there. I remember the feeling. I STILL feel it… however, at the same time, I find myself learning something new as I read. God has given me clarity in my own emotions in reading Sarah’s work. And in my connection with Sarah, I find myself understanding and accepting grace in a whole new level.
Brian and I are SO thankful for our friendship with Sarah and Chad… and I’m so excited to host some of her words today.
For more of their story, watch it HERE.
Sarah’s blog: www.sarahmarkley.com
Sarah’s twitter: @sarahmarkley
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My husband and I had to go through a divorce.
Not a dissolution of our marriage, but we had divorce ourselves from the old way that we lived and breathed.
After I confessed to an extra-marital affair, after God had broken my heart and soul and I experienced true repentance, and after my husband had forgiven me we had to figure out how to pick up the pieces. We knew we had to leave the old people that we were back where they belonged.
Stuck in time.
Stuck in a bad place.
And we couldn’t be those people anymore. I couldn’t be that girl anymore.
I mean, who had done this before? People do recover from affairs but no one we knew had or no one we knew had been open about it. How do we survive this?
We were scared because no one we knew had actually gotten through this to the other side.
Every memory we had of the first seven years of our marriage was tainted by this giant, oil spill filth. The confession, repentance and mutual work of moving toward healing was as if we’d capped the spill. But the muck, the dirt was still there.
How do we stay married and live remembering what had happened? By this time I was as disgusted with my own actions as my husband was with them too.
In the beginning he asked me specifics. When? Where? How did it happen? Was it when he was gone travelling for business? Was it early in the morning when I went to the gym? Had it been going on for a long time? Yes, and yes and yes. I buried my head in my hands. I was so ashamed.
And I was trying to forget all of this. I was trying to forget the man I’d almost sacrificed my marriage for. I was trying to divorce myself from those tethers and regain the bridge to my family. To my daughter and to my husband.
I’d been gone for so long…
I didn’t want to remember the details. I wanted to just divorce myself from the past several years and just move on.
I took my face from my hands and I told him the when’s and the where’s and even the how’s. {I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the why’s. Those would come later because, honestly, I didn’t know what to say.}
He wept. He was wounded and he shook his head. Because he’d been faithful when I had not been.
We looked at each other and we knew we had to go through a divorce.
Not the kind that normally comes from an affair, from a heart turned so far away from what it was meant to love, but divorce of everything we had known before.
He stopped asking questions. I stopped thinking about the where’s and the how’s and the when’s of my affair. And even in our therapy sessions we began to look forward rather than backward.
It hurt. That divorce. Because laced in with the filth was some love and some beauty. We even had to forget most of that because it was almost impossible to extract from the filth. Like the spill. It couldn’t really be filtered well.
But it was the best choice we could have made.
And today we stand, still divorced {at least from our old life} but newlyconnected with new bonds and a new covenant built on Someone stronger than ever before.
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As I think about yours and Jenni’s stories my heart brews w/so many questions… because your stories both had an ending before they could have a new beginning. I read them and I’m amazed at the incredible Grace and healing and intentionality it has taken both of you ladies to be able to “let go of the old to embrace the new.”
What the two of you have been through is EXACTLY what God calls us to do as we “put off the old man” and “put on the new” yet this process of cooperating with our salvation is SO incredibly hard! And yet both you and Jenni and what you have been through are such examples of this.
How did you do it? Though I’ve not been through exactly what you guys have been through, I am in my second marriage (my ex cheated)… how do I “erase” thoughts of ex-him from my current marriage?
Like, how the heck do I do what you and Jenni have done? Letting go of the old to embrace the new? The two of you… I just stand in awe of you both and have for so long. I want to be able to let go of old “stuff” and step into the “new”
God’s grace through the two of you (and your sweet hubbies)… I am in awe
Jen…
GREAT questions. I’m not sure how to answer them because all of our situations are different and I know I can only speak from my OWN experience.
I LITERALLY have to let go of the old daily. When memories pop up, instead of dwelling on them, I have to mourn them again and let it go. As I do this, those memories slowly stop surfacing. I have less now than I did a year ago. I believe in 5 years I’ll have even less. It’s a continuous journey.
Our memories will never be COMPLETELY gone, because that’s how we learn from our past mistakes. As much as I want to forget I ever CHOSE an affair, I know I never will. That pain will alway linger a bit (like a surgery scar) so that I won’t ever do it again.
I think with you, the pain will lessen too. And one day, the amount of great NEW memories WAY surpass the old ones… good or bad.
Jen, I love you. Love how real you are and gracious you are to women like me. The other woman. Thank you!
Jenny, I have walked that road. I’m 20 years into my second marriage after my ex had multiple affairs.
You asked: “… how do I “erase” thoughts of ex-him from my current marriage?”
You can’t. Especially if you have children together. You learn. Essential is that you forgive him. You won’t forget, but you must forgive. You must wipe his account, all that he owes you, cleared — paid in full. Just like our Savior does for us.
The forgiveness isn’t for him. He may not even understand it. It’s for you and your husband. You guys don’t need “another man” in between you!
The other thing that really helped me was accepting that I was grieving. Yeah, that’s right. Grieving. When you married him, you had dreams, plans, love, life together. They died when he cheated. You need to allow yourself to grieve. Our church has a grief recovery ministry and while they’ve helped several people with their grief of losing a loved one, the biggest part of the ministry has been those grieving divorce.
If you can find a church locally that has a ministry like that, maybe you can give it a try. I would highly recommend it.
Sarah, how i love you!
Thank you for reliving those horrible days here to help others. I remember mourning the loss of all the good days of our Brian and my prior marriage because it was so intertwined with the bad. But now, the memories we are creating together are tenfold what they were before.
I know that must be true for you and Chad too. God is good!
Cheers… to our new marriages… with the same ol’ guy
You are an amazing writer, you should come
With some Wizard story…..
stoked to know you both and to see the beauty that can exist within the brokenness of all of our lives.
This story is very encouraging to me and giving me hope I can stop with my affairs because I’am too very sickened over what I’ve done . I literally vomit after I’ve had an affair. I see clearly I’m punishing myself and trying to get my needs met as a wife in the wrong way. I’ve been married twice ,the first time I didnt cheat but I realize my first huusband of 4 yrs was attentive to me and on the same page about our daughter ,he treated me as an equal. We divorced after 4 yrs because he found someone else and we were only 20 when we met so very immature in other ways. My second husband came after much prayer and waiting many yrs. Met and married him at church after getting to know him very slowly , he was a 32 yr old virgin. Soon after we were married he changed and became very controlling and abusive. After 6 yrs of believing it was my fault I lost it and startd having affairs. I felt bad and I told him ,he said just dont divorce me it would ruin my reputation. I was shocked this man sat in church every sunday. So alone Ive tried to stop and pray God would stop me or take my life. I could go a few yrs without an affair, but I’ve had a few very short affairs in 7 yrs. My husband doesnt want a divorce and after he was arrested in 06 for asaulting me , hes quit the abuse except still blaming people for anything that goes wrong.He plays alot of mind games. We have 2 children together and last week my son says Mom I dont think Dad has a conscience. I’ve wondered that for yrs and now my son is saying this to me. I just want to be free because my head hangs in shame before the Lord and God is who I want a “Well done from” . Thankyou for sharing your story I feel the same shame and want to make it right . I’m leaning towards a divorce even though I’m the one having the affairs because being married to someone who doesnt love me or treats me well is why I ‘ve walked into this darkness. Praying for Gods guidance today!!!!!
eyelashwish – first thing: if your husband is physically hurting you or your children, you need to leave and get help. it’s not healthy for you OR your children if he’s hurting you.
with that said, the bible says nothing about us having a divorce (a real one) if you feel like he doesn’t love you or doesn’t treat you well. our vows were “till death do us part” even through all that bad stuff.
i hope you can accept what i’m about to write here, because i’m not sure it will be easy to take from a stranger… but i hear you blaming him a lot for your actions. the one thing i learned was though brian was guilty of some things in our marriage, I MADE THE CHOICE TO COMMIT ADULTERY and it had NOTHING to do with him. no one can make you do anything. even if a gun was held to your head and you were told to do something you didn’t want to do… it’s still your choice whether you do it or not.
i don’t know your full story… all our stories are so different… but i KNOW God is the God of miracles… and your situation isn’t beyond His healing.
we’re praying for you through this! and thank you for your comment here. thank you for joining in on the conversation. you are NOT alone in any of this.
Well said Jenni.
eyelashwish, I second what Jenni has so wisely shared with you. If your husband is abusing you in any way, get help. Matter of fact, get help for the past abuse.
I also second what she says about divorce in your situation. And I’m with her on the blame. No matter what he’s done, no matter how you’ve felt, you’re the one who made the choice to “fix” that hurt or that loneliness with sex. You know it wasn’t fulfilling. You know it’s only brought guilt and despair.
You confessed to your husband, yet you’ve continued in the affairs. You really need to seek help here, too. There’s a lot of hurt inside you that you’re trying to salve with sex and it’s never going to work. Find counsel. Godly counsel. You have to work on you to get healing so you can work on your marriage.
I join Jenni and others in praying for your freedom from the lies.
Sarah, your words don’t disappoint from a writer’s standpoint. You are a writer’s writer.
From a friend, though, I hear your heart and love the beauty I see in it even through the ugliness that occurred so long ago. What’s funny is that the Sarah I know now and the Sarah you describe back then don’t have a single thing in common.
You, my friend, are a new creation. Thank you for being a shining example to the rest of us that trusting God to break us and re-shape us is worth it.
See you soon. Two weeks and two days, to be exact. But who’s counting.
amen!!!
Sarah,
Thank you for sharing so openly. I’m glad to hear stories of people who made it through to the other side. For me, it didn’t happen even moving 500 miles south to try didn’t work. I can see the problems we had from each side and know that there is plenty of blame to go around for both parties. I thank God that you both wanted to work it out and that He walked you through…well actually carried you through. I’m now re-married, but still wonder what would have happened if she had stopped seeing the other man in her life.
In His Grip!
Scott
What a fantastic post. You and Jenni and Trish and your hubbies are such wonderful examples to all of us of the power of God to restore.
First of all … please pray for me. Today is my 9 year anniversary… and I’m taking it hard. My wife just called me to say that she doesn’t think it is fair that she is expected to take me back when I want to make it work now, when months ago the tables were reversed and she wanted me back and I wasn’t willing and no one was telling me to take her back…. she says that some days she hates me (I guess like today)
Second – I do love this post, but the word divorce stings right about now
I am praying for you today! So sorry for the hurt you are feeling!
praying, friend.
I join the others in prayer with you.
I don’t know your story, but I was the wife cheated upon. I can say your wife is probably quite hurt and angry. She’s probably connecting “taking you back” with “not being angry or hurt” and that’s not the way it is. Hopefully she will get to the place where she can stand before you and pound on your chest telling you exactly how she feels with every ounce of her anger and hurt, knowing that you accept that and love her even though. Saying it won’t be enough. And once probably won’t be enough.
The good news is, God is bigger than our hurt and anger and He is in the business of doing the impossible. That’s the prayer I’m asking. That He will show your wife Himself, so she can then see you.
I remember reading a post on this before (either Jenni’s or Sarah’s~can’t remember because you are both so awesome!) and it really resonated with my last year.
I had been having a really hard time with dealing with a struggle my husband was having and falling back into old thought patterns and wishing for a different marriage.
What the post made me realize is that while I could not control what my husband was doing or where his heart was, I could certainly make sure that I was doing everything I could to divorce my old habits from before, INCLUDING expecting the worst of him based on our relationship before the affairs and DEMANDING that he be on the same path of spiritual growth I was on when he flat out was not ready.
Learning to divorce my low opinion of him and to look for ways to respect and love him through his struggle was the biggest turning point for me in our relationship.
What a fantastic post!! Rarely do we see restoration in marriages these days. I just want to say thank you to both you and your husband for being a light. What an amazing encouragement you are to me and others!!
thank you for your encouragement, karen. we still have a long way to go, but we are already light years from where we were.
i am following this week’s post closely. my husband confessed his affair to me in january and we are trying to restore our marriage. we were pastors of a church plant which had to close due to his affair. we have lost almost everything: friends, church, career, income, and almost our marriage. that is hanging by a thread today. today we talked a lot about divorce…the real kind. we have a three year old son that is keeping me here for the moment. and trying to have hope for a better future for us.
i hear what you say about divorcing your “old marriage”. we need to do that. the first 10 years of our marriage weren’t good. and we want better if we are going to go forward. but i don’t really fully understand how you divorce your past. it’s so tied in to our life, my intense pain right now. how do i forget the past? how do i put it behind? it’s a great theory, and i understand the necessity of it, but i don’t know how to put it into practice. sorry if this is elementary, but i’m just lost in the pain right now.
Vicky,
Wow, I’m aching over your words because I remember being right there 8 1/2 years ago.
One of the things that helped me get through and “divorce” my old marriage, like Sarah said, was to realize that the normal I had before was no longer normal for me. I had to find a new normal. One that included a past of infidelity in my marriage. Getting back to normal wasn’t reality.
You won’t forget the past. You don’t have that capability. Only God does. But, you can eventually move forward as you work THROUGH your pain. Don’t attempt to go around it because the healing occurs when you push through the pain.
Feel free to contact me if you want to talk more in depth. My post is up tomorrow.
Don’t lose hope. There’s always hope when you trust in the Father.
vicky… it’s not elementary at all.
it sounds like you are right in the middle of the chaos. it’s ok the feel the way you do… and you HAVE to in order to move past it. if you just moved to where we are today, i doubt you would have really worked through it.
i agree with cindy. she knows EXACTLY what you’re talking about. you won’t ever forget the past. you shouldn’t. but you need to forgive it. day by day. more for yourself than for anyone else.
for now, just allow yourself to feel the pain and surround yourself with GOOD support. i’m giving a lot of resources here this week so you can surround yourself via social network as a starting place at the very least.
praying for you today.
btw… my husband is writing about this very subject on monday. hang tight.
These women are so wise and share of themselves so openly!
My heart aches for you, Vicky. In addition to what Cindy and Jenni have shared, I will say as I did to another — grieve. For me that included writing down all I’d lost because of his affairs. Dreams, plans, hopes, home, lifestyle and more. Then grieve those. Just as if they were each a person.
You’ve lost so much and it seems so hopeless now, but you have come to hear these words for a reason, and I pray you’ll hear them to your core. You know God wants more for you. Don’t give up on it. Don’t let the enemy steal one more thing from you. (By the way, your husband is NOT your enemy, it just feels that way sometimes.)
Praying for you my sister for your healing.
my heart’s heavy for you today, vicky. praying for you.
I’m sorry to say I didnt express my thoughts well in this blog. I’am not good at putting my thoughts onto paper , I agree I’m GUILTY and CHOSE to have an affair ,I know I will stand ALONE before God for my behavior.Thats a seperate thing from what my husband is doing to our family. I didnt get that point across well because I added why I though I was having an affair which isnt necessary. I have an amazing counselor as well as I’m involved with Abuse Recovery Ministries (ARMS) too. I mentioned getting a real divorce not because he treats me bad, but because of the domestic violence ,the bible supports that. SORRY I posted that here it wasnt the, appropriate place.
Thankyou for your concerns
Vicky- my heart hurts for you, as well. My husband confessed his affair a little over 2 years ago. He was the worship leader at a plant church. I can tell you that forgiveness is a daily choice, especially in the beginning. As you journey toward your new “normal,” I will leave you with the verse that led me through this.
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anthing is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.” Philippians 4:8
Your mind is a powerful thing that you can let dwell on the past, or choose to look forward. I don’t mean in ignorance or forgetfulness. but eventually you have to give it to God and look for His goodness.
My question for those of you a little further out, do you ever stop crying about it? Believe me, it isn’t a daily thing, but sometimes I still do grieve over what we lost, such as the church family that our children loved.
Cyndi,
As the days pass and the years begin to go by, the time between the tears and heart stabs increases. It does because I allowed myself to grieve as you said above. I lost a lot. Like I said above, I’m 8 1/2 years out from “D Day” or the Day of my husband’s confession. I don’t cry much anymore nor do I feel intense pain. Now, my tears, when they come, fall when I am told by a woman “I feel better after talking to you. It’s like I have hope that we can make it to.”
Redeemed suffering, my friend. And with each woman or couple I encourage with my story, I heal even further.
Press on.
mmmm… the voice of experience.
cindy beall… so glad i have you in my life. so glad you’re writing here today. so glad we have you to follow as an example.
Sarah,
Who would of thought that God would use a girl from Cali who had an affair on her husband to bring such deep healing to my heart! I am thankful for that day in the cafe’ to listen to your side of the story. You taught me that sin is sin and I will never be able to make sense or wrap my mind around what happened. Sin isn’t suppose to make sense and that “the other women” in my story is just as broken as I am! You have impacted my life deeply and I am grateful for the time I got to spend with you. Thank you for sharing your story!! I wish I could scream from the mountain tops how true your words are. Thank you for doing the hard work it takes to fight the way you did to save your marriage. Thank you for fighting through the whispers and angry filled emails to share GOD”S redemptive story through you! Eternally grateful for who you are!!!
Great post, Sarah! I love your openness and honesty.
Unfortunately, it took a literal divorce for God to bring me to the end of myself and give me a fresh glimpse of His grace. During the six years that Melody and I were divorced, God took both of us on a journey to abandon our old “performance treadmill” religion. We both learned through gut-wrenching pain and excruciating circumstances that He was indeed enough.
Now that Melody and I are remarried, we are often reminded when we least expect it that we still have pain from our past experiences. Unfortunately, we can’t go away for a long weekend and deal with the pain once and for all. Pain isn’t summoned that easily. Instead, it bubbles up when we least expect it. Like during our date last Friday night. Or a few weeks ago when we were about to turn in.
We have learned to not be surprised when the pain surfaces, but to hang onto ourselves and not over-react. We have learned that our feelings are real, but not necessarily true.
Traylor