Today is Brian and my 10 year anniversary. A DECADE! A decade’s worth of second chances. Second chances to the second chances to the second chances.
And as beautiful as today is, it will always trigger bittersweet feelings.
I think the most difficult part of receiving a second chance is I’m still in the same skin that chose an affair 5 years ago. When I look at myself in the mirror, it’s the same face that lied to my husband. And unless I get some drastic plastic surgery soon, that fact won’t change.
But the truth is I AM different. My spirit is different. I know different. And most importantly… my heart is different.
Without my biggest failure and the second chance I received after it, I wouldn’t know how to extend grace today JUST like I didn’t know how to extend it back then. Like my good friend, Laura Lasky, has said to me many times: “You can NOT give what you don’t know how to receive.”
With that… I thought I’d re-post our renewal vows from last year.
Brian’s:
You have been part of my greatest moments of joy and my deepest pain. I am grateful for the experience of both because of who I have become. Today I am a stronger, better person because you are part of my life. I am so thankful that our story has turned out better than so many. I am so eager to see where our journey will take us over the next 30 years. My prayer is that God would use our story to help hundreds of other people find their way back to God and restore broken relationships.
I intend to grow old, bald, wrinkly and wobbly with you (Lucky for you, I’ve pretty much already accomplished that). I will strive to put your needs above my own. I will cherish the busy, chaotic, stressful and challenging times with you by my side. I will relish the times of relaxation, solitude, and pleasure with you. I will always share my deepest fears and grandest dreams with you. When I feel like shutting you out, I will embrace you and trust you with my heart.
When you are wounded, I will pick you up. When you are joyful I will celebrate with you. When you are scared I will embrace you. When you feel lonely, I will hold you. When you are threatened I will protect you.
I will do my best to seek God first in my life so I can be the spiritual leader you deserve. I will love you and only you. I will always choose you!
Mine:
Well… obviously the first time I did this, it didn’t take so well. In fact, I don’t even remember what I said the first time around because I was so nervous and distracted from Renee losing the ring.
However, that was 9 years ago… and I’ve learned a lot since then. I still hate that it took the failure of our original marriage to realize my misguided understanding of what it takes to make our marriage a success… but I’m humbled and grateful for this second chance most couples don’t get to see OR experience.
So… for the next 99 years:
Instead of waiting for you to pick up your socks, I’ll just do it. I’m closer to the ground anyway.
Instead of kicking you when you’re snoring, I’ll just put earplugs in.
Instead of assuming what you didn’t say, I’ll ask you about your thoughts.
Instead of reading INTO what you DID say, I’ll take you for face value.
Instead of looking for what’s wrong, I’ll seek out all that’s right.
Instead of shouting to be heard, I’ll stop and listen.
Instead of waiting to be pursued, I’ll intentionally pursue you
Instead of justifying my wrongs, I’ll humbly say “I’m Sorry!”
Instead of looking to another man to determine my value, I’ll choose to see YOUR value.Brian, now that I finally know what it means to love, I vow to not only love and respect you with all that God has created me with… but I promise to seek out God’s desires for me… for US, often and consistently. I promise to love our children unconditionally and raise them to love God and love others. I will teach them how to extend grace and compassion by example… by the example God revealed to me through you in my biggest failings.
I vow to see you and only YOU till I can’t see anymore. I promise to listen carefully for God’s promptings till my future hearing aids are merely ear jewelry. I promise to love you till I breathe my last breath. And I vow to never forget the second chance God gave me… gave us… to prove that His REDEMPTION is real in a broken and hurting world. And finally, I promise to remember God’s desire and PURPOSE for us.
He chose us for one word and action: Restoration.
YOU TOO ARE WORTH A SECOND CHANCE. Always and forever worth it.
You just need to extend your hand to receive it.
Truly breathtaking, beautiful, and humbling vows. Congratulations!
thank you, lindsey
Happy 10 Year honey.
Those really are some good vows. So much more meaningful the second time around too:-). I think we should re-read those every month or two to keep us honest.
Love you!
love you too, babe! i agree. i was just thinking that. we should handwrite them and stick them to our bathroom mirror
Congrats! Y’all are just awesome!!! Keep the love.
and we love you, mandypants!
Those vows are awesome. I love Brian’s “old, bald, wrinkly and wobbly” line.
it was even funnier in person. Brian is so funny!
Congratulations!!!
thanks, jess!
Happy Anniversary!!
I love that I was able to watch those vows being exchanged. Thank goodness for iPhones!! And that you made it possible for friends around the world to watch a piece of that day! Technology made friends. Coming together on that beach made forever friends out of previously just internet friends.
And I loved all the Joshua White originals! He rocked the pics.
Congrats. Love from WA!!
thanks, shellie! i’m thankful we’re friends too.
and yes… joshua rocks the camera!
I love the way you two do things; humerous, beautiful, and brutally honest.
happy 10 years!!!!
thank you, rose. i miss you, my lovely… but i will always be thankful that you and ty were there the day we renewed our vows. that meant a lot to us.
Jenni, those are the kind of vows every couple should read when they get married – and I like Brian’s suggestion to read them each month.
Awesome reminders!
Thanks to you both!!!
Thanks, Michelle! Brian has some great ideas sometimes… though he JUST left his sweaty basketball shoes in the back of our Durango to bake all day… and THAT was NOT a smart idea. I can’t seem to get the smell out of my nostril hairs.
I have a question…not just hypothetical, I really want feedback. Seven years ago, I learned that my husband who I adored, had an affair early in our marriage. I learned years later when paternity paperwork showed up. We worked HARD, spent lots of time in Christian counseling, and came out better than ever. I eventually forgave (hardest thing I’ve ever accomplished because this event drudged up things from my past that hadn’t been fully resolved). We renewed our vows, and started over. I felt safer than ever. He swore on our baby daughters life he never take us back to that horrible, hopeless place. Last fall, I caught him in another affair. There was never a question as to the consequences of a reoccurrence, I kicked him out and got an attorney. After talking to Chris Beall, he came to a new ubderstanding…he was told he had to bring “everything onto the light” for it to lose its power over him. Over the next few weeks, he confesse to a total of 6 affairs over 14 years (all but the most recent prior to the paternity scare). Since I’ve seen it all before, I am skeptical…since his own moral compass doesn’t keep him from breaking his vows and he can so easily forget how painful it is and he actually said “I meant it WHEN I SAID IT” (referring to renewin our vows). He is radically exploring his childhood and personality aspects that lead him to self-destructive patterns. We hear all the time about second chances, but not THIRD chances…is that because someone who has had two is a bad risk? Is there anything that makes one worth the risk…when he’s begging and full of self-hatred, I want to believe that no one is a lost cause…but am I dillisional?
this is really tough, Ginger, and no one can tell you what choices need to be made after this. the truth is boundaries need to be in place, and it sounds like you’ve clearly defined those so that’s good.
but my opinion? no one is a lost cause. NO ONE. i didn’t just have a second chance with brian, i had a 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, etc. cuz i didn’t just mess up once. i still mess up today. not in choosing an affair, but in many other ways. i hate that i fail brian and my kids… but i won’t be whole till the day i’m with Jesus.
your husband may have had 6 affairs… and i know that hurts you terribly and there just isn’t ANY excuse for that kind of behavior. NONE!!!… but my guess is it hurt him too… and my guess is he acted out in that way DUE to past hurts. not saying the affairs aren’t the issue, because those actions have consequences, but the ROOT of the issue is way deeper than the affairs… and if you are to rebuild a life with him, he needs to journey that road and discover what that ROOT is. he can do that with or without you, but that’s not his choice anymore. it’s yours.
you have every right to leave him. you really do. and in the end, it’s really up to you and what God tells you, ginger. the only right answer here is LISTEN. listen to God’s quiet whispering here… and allow yourself time to grieve, get angry and most importantly heal from this.
i am so sorry.