The ‘threshing floor’ was the most painful place I’ve ever been, but I wouldn’t take it back. I hate what I did, but what happened in my spirit outweighs it. That’s where the ‘rejoicing in discipline’ comes in. If you’re being disciplined, then you did something wrong. The rejoicing is not in the selfish gain of sin, but in the grace of the lesson.
I learned to not assume a person is the worst thing they’ve done. The ‘kinship’ I feel within the Body of Christ is with those who are beautifully marked with the scars of the ‘threshing floor’.
I was sifted as wheat. The lies were thrown out and burned. And I felt every bit of it.
So, what’s my story? How can my life, reshaped by sin, possibly glorify God? I wondered that for a long time.
I used to be full of pride and judgment. That was put to death when I fell. I loved God, but was still able to sin. I never believed that was possible. I thought I was good. I thought I had it all figured out and I was vocal about my view of Christianity and I gave God credit for my self-righteous judgment of others. I don’t know how many people I turned away during my own ‘Emperors New Clothes’ parade.
Even so, I wanted to have a real relationship with Him. I wanted to really know Him. I wanted to be used by Him. He gave me the desire of my heart. He let me see my worst and taught me what Christianity was really about. He taught me the truth about wanting to do right, but still doing wrong. He taught me how if felt to be condemned by people who call themselves ‘Christians’. He showed me what it was like to be treated like I was an embarrassment to the cross and anyone who could keep me out was doing God a favor.
God’s arm is not amputated—he can still save. God’s ears are not stopped up—he can still hear. There’s nothing wrong with God; the wrong is in you. -Isaiah 59:1-2
So many people, who fall to the severity that I did, never come back to the Christian community. Even if they believe they’re forgiven and approved, coming back into that nest of hornets is the last thing they’re willing to do. I’m not like that. I don’t care what people think of me. I know what happened in my spirit. I know what God thinks of me and I’ll let Him use me like a hot poker to those who think they know better than He does. People don’t have as much of a problem with the sinner as they do with the audacity of grace.
I did everything wrong, I knew better and He still saved me. It doesn’t take away from the beauty of reconciled marriages. It magnifies the message of grace. You can applaud, rightfully, the man and woman for fighting through every human inclination toward homicide. You can applaud the miraculous power of God to restore trust and passion to a raped marriage. In my story, there’s not a man or woman getting any applause. God is the only one honored here.
Not everyone does the right thing. There are too many people who are not encouraged by a story that can never be their own. I’m here to show that God’s grace doesn’t leave anyone out. This isn’t encouragement to do the wrong thing. This is for people who have already done the wrong thing. My purpose is to show people that you can never go too far. God will always take you back.
So many people think that grace gives the sinner the last laugh. It’s my purpose to explain that grace changes the person into being someone who will choose differently next time. Grace gives the person another chance. If you see me laughing, it’s because I’ve been set free.
I use my voice to reach those who don’t know how dirty Jesus will get to rescue those the rest of the world thinks ‘went too far’.
God is sheer mercy and grace; not easily angered, he’s rich in love. He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold, nor hold grudges forever. He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve, nor pay us back in full for our wrongs. As high as heaven is over the earth, so strong is his love to those who fear him. And as far as sunrise is from sunset, he has separated us from our sins. –Psalm 103:8-12
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Do you think you’re too far gone?
Because GRACE is for SINNERS
Very powerful. I can not wait to read your book.
I will.
I thought I was too far gone for the longest time. The wounds from the flogging of the “good Christians” after my sins came to light just colored the picture of Christ. Now, I know I’m set free from those mistakes of the past as you well know in your own life. It’s incredible the way God’s allowed you to minister to others who are that those low points where the Christian army sees you’re wounded and tries to finish you off.
I have the most compassion for believers who mess up. That’s my particular flavor in this whole recipe.
God’s arm is not amputated—he can still save. God’s ears are not stopped up—he can still hear. There’s nothing wrong with God; the wrong is in you. -Isaiah 59:1-2
it’s seriously amazing how often i ignorantly think i’m in more control than God. to believe His grace is for everyone but me sound ridiculous to say outloud… but i think we all believe it.
thank you, serena, for shedding more light to what grace looks like in your life… in all our lives. i love you, dear friend.
and I, you. xox
Also, sometimes I feel like the good Christians are put up on a pedestal. I have come from a very healthy loving family and my husband and I have a growing, learning marriage. But my ignorance can also lead to destruction. Our hearts are all the same, lost and in need of grace. Just because I don’t have an ugly scar doesn’t mean I am not capable of ugly choices. Don’t hide from the Christian community because when I read Serena’s story my heart is just as hungry. Thank you Serena for showing that grace extends to us all.
Thanks, Heather.
love it.
“Also, sometimes I feel like the good Christians are put up on a pedestal.”
I have been the victim of that ‘pedestal’ mentality….. I kept telling everyone, “I’m no different to you. Don’t put me on a pedestal because I lead you, because u come to me for advice and prayer….I can make mistakes.” Yet, when I made MY mistakes, everyone was all in shock as though, “What? No! Not him… he COULDN’T do that!” I couldn’t? I kept saying I am not perfect…
And now you see the disappointment in people’s eyes… even as they spread my pain around because they are all like, ‘Do u hear? Look what happened!” “No! Really?”
And yet the ones that know or think they know don’t contact and encourage or anything… but they keep spreading because of their shock…
It sickens me.
I may not be too far gone for Jesus – but to his followers…. I’m not sure.
“People don’t have as much of a problem with the sinner as they do with the audacity of grace….Grace gives the person another chance”
I love those words. I’m just beginning to wrap my head around the audacity of grace. Serena you have a been a HUGE part of me understanding the reality of grace. Studying your book was almost like a pre-cursor to the season of my life I am walking through right now. I am learning so much about my heart and the things that reside there that I don’t want there. Thank you for sharing so honestly and so transparently. You are a beautiful picture of grace given AND of grace received; cuz sometimes I think it is the receiving of grace that is often the hardest. Thank you!
Keda: I adore you. And, yes, accepting grace is incredibly hard because we carry the memory of our selfish thoughts and disgraceful actions while we’re trying to accept that God doesn’t.
You hit the nail on the head babe! We are all in this together and if people are also unwilling to extend the grace that God has so graciously given to us, they need to re-examine thier own salvation and sin and realize that God has also forgiven them of much more than they realize. Thanks for your candor and letting the Lord use your experience to bless and encourage others!
Thank you, Cynthia.
“People don’t have as much of a problem with the sinner as they do with the audacity of grace.”
How true that is, Serena. Thank you for being brave enough to share your heart. Many will be encouraged. Hoping to get your book and celebrate what the Lord has done on the threshing floor.
Thanks, Nikki!
Hmmm…the question that I clicked on to make my comment was “do you think you’ve gone too far”? I guess my answer is…I’m not sure. One thing I have liked about Jenni’s blog and yours is that the community is small enough that people don’t get lost in the crowd…it doesn’t seem anyway. You guys always seem to respond to comments even though I know you must be busy. I have not found that in other communities. Mostly I lurk though and don’t comment. I just drink it all in
Serena, I emailed you back in February I think or possibly December. My husband left me 5 years ago and has never come back. I had an emotional affair with my Pastor/counselor that was found out and even though we both confessed and attempted to turn away, he was fired and although it’s no excuse, he was treated so coldly and there were just so many hoops to jump through…he left the church and his wife said come back to the church and submit to their rules for restoration or get out. He got out and is now divorced and we are together. The church leadership publicly disciplined me after it was found out we were together again after his divorce and they “turned my soul over to Satan for the destruction of my flesh”. I have lost all of my friends…I don’t go to church. I am sorry for all that I have done…so sorry. I regret so much how I devoured my pastor’s first opening of his soul to me…that’s really where it started… he went from pastor/counselor to friend and the mutual sharing was our downfall. It bonded us so quickly we didn’t know what hit us. I remember vividly how I got in my car after he poured out his broken heart to me and I said out loud “I must never go back there. I must never see him again…it will only bring pain.” But…I went back again and again. I cannot change that now and I have repented and I am sorry. I have received notes and letters from church members…my former friends…friends of his wife…they say if I had truly repented and was truly sorry…I would turn away from him and never see him again. Is this true? Is this is what God requires for me to have a relationship with Him again? Is this what is required to ever be used of the Lord again? He…the former pastor doesn’t know…he has a doctorate and has studied the Bible for over 30 years and as he watches me agonize over this he is at a loss to help me and feels awful because of his part in the pain the situation has brought me. I have apologized to his wife and the response I got was that if I were truly sorry, I would turn away…this is after they were divorced. I did turn away for over a year and in that year many other things happened and the marriage crumbled and fell apart and neither of them have tried to reconcile. I know this is too long and I can’t possibly explain well enough here to make sense. It honestly all sounds like excuses for us to be together. I know there are no excuses…believe me, if there was an excuse that allowed us to be together and not feel guilty…I would have found it by now. There is so much that I cannot fix…so much regret. But how do you come out from under the guilt and live again? I want to and I want to live for the Lord and under His grace. Am I repentant enough for God to take me back? When people say to me I am not truly sorry because we are still together…it sounds right. Is it? What does God require of me? How do I go from here? Thank you for letting me ramble. Thank you for your ministries. Just…thanks
Christine,
Oh, my goodness. I’m wondering if the dirt under your feet is still damp from my tears. I have stood in that exact spot.
I can’t and won’t tell you what to do. What ends up happening is a part of what will make you hole. It’s personal.
I read a comment from one of my facebook friend’s, Leonard Sweet. He quoted something that changed his entire ministry and it hit the core of me. ‘What is it in your life that takes Jesus to explain?’
Mine? That I am exactly where He wants me to be. All of my scars are supposed to be there. It’s what makes me beautiful. It’s what marks me as His daughter.
You’re trying to find an action that will make you ‘right’. Your freedom comes from realizing that there is no action you can take to make you ‘right enough’.
When I was where you are, I prayed continuously for God to show me the path He wanted me to take.
People were telling me that the only way I could be right or prove myself was to walk away. I know what you’re feeling. Now, add to that a pregnancy. I would have done anything. I would have given my child to her father and walked away if I was sure that’s what God wanted me to do. A baby is an excuse to stay. Love is an excuse to stay. I wasn’t looking for excuses. I wanted to be okay. I just needed to know what action I could take that would make me right again.
There is no action you can take to make yourself right. You don’t have to prove yourself because you will always be wrong. YOU CAN’T EARN GRACE.
I was living in a small, lopsided house on the wrong side of the tracks. I was about three months from my due date and I was deeply broken and lost inside of myself. I remember my prayer. My constant prayer. ‘God, please show me what path you want me to take.’
I was looking through the paper, daydreaming about being able to buy a house one day. It was one of my escapes from reality. I came upon an ad for a house that was ‘for sale by owner’ and there was something so intriguing about the ad. I called the number. I don’t know why. I had no intention of seeing the house. After I finished talking to him, I had a set time to meet him at the house. I had no idea what I was doing. I just felt drawn. Curiosity, I guess. When I pulled up to the house, it was beautiful and big enough for my (almost) four children. It was in a brand new neighborhood in the best school district. The crazy part, it wasn’t finished.
There is no way I could have this house, but it made me ache when I walked through it. It’s a life I cannot have. Not now. My credit was destroyed by my choices and I didn’t make enough money for anyone to responsibly loan me money.
I was deep in thought when the man asked me if the house seemed like something I would like. I just stared up at the vaulted ceiling and nodded. I was trying not to cry in front of him.
He asked me if I wanted to set up a time to sign the contract. I watched him while I asked, ‘Is there anything you want to know about me?’
He didn’t flinch when he told me, ‘No. I’m a good judge of character.’
Obviously not, I thought.
Two days later I had the keys in my hand. I used to be a bit spontaneous when I made decisions. I act first and ask questions later. I had the keys in my hand, but still didn’t know if I was ultimately screwing him over. He didn’t know that my life had no anchor.
As I watched him explain sign his part of the contract, I asked him why he was doing this. He said that he and his wife believe in ‘good homes for good people.’ I asked him what the name of his company was and he said the thing that answered everything I needed answered.
‘Pathway Properties.’
The letterhead of the contract to the first home I ever bought has a path on it. Right next to the word ‘Pathway.’
I had a baby, got a divorce and remarried that same year. I know what I look like, but grace is something that I can’t explain. I’ll have to let Jesus do my explaining.
Your story is going to be personal. Like mine is. Until you see your path, don’t take off on your own. Don’t worry. Don’t be afraid and don’t give up. His grace is enough for where ever you are. You know what our parents taught us about what to do when you get lost?
‘Stay where you are. Daddy will find you.’
All of this is so hard for me to read yet I want to speak up from the other side of the fence on this issue. I am the mom with the young children whose husband turned his back on what he believed to live a life of his own. I pray for that prodigal. I think I am most saddened by the way the “church” and God’s people treat the ones who fall away. I used to be the woman at the well before Jesus. He changed me. He brought me out of that pit. Yet, even with that, I too have been on the fence because I have three young children who need their daddy, they need him to be the Godly man who Jesus brings home. It makes me sad that to see the number of marriages that I believe could be reconciled but don’t because we cannot let Jesus heal those hurts, our selfishness and pride keep us from letting Him break us and bring back. I struggle every day with being angry and the grief of all that satan has destroyed in my family. My sin is being on the fence and unbelief that Jesus will. I want the children’s dad to be reconciled with the Lord at the honor and respect he had as their dad to be rebuilt but I also live in fear of being hurt, seeing them hurt. Only Jesus can do that when and if he chooses to let Him work in his life. I know these are old comments and I am sure every bit as painful today as they were when this was written. It has been almost three years and my pain is still very real and very strong. It’s the consequences that get us, that trickle down into the next generation. Those are the things I want to fight. Those are the ones that I grieve over every day. One of the verses I put on my wall is “Never tire of doing what is right.” When we clear the emotions, sometimes the answer is right before us. I know this rambling probably comes off as judgmental but I pray no one takes it that way. I need God’s grace every day but I also want my family restored, my children’s daddy to be the man we need. Does that make me wrong or foolish or judgmental for not accepting things and “moving on” with our lives?
“There is no action you can take to make yourself right. You don’t have to prove yourself because you will always be wrong. YOU CAN’T EARN GRACE.”
this has really resonated with me. growing up in church – being churched – it’s like you know it in your head, I mean, that’s what the bibie says, right? but it’s not until I needed grace, like REALLY needed grace that it occurred to me that somehow my sin was too big for grace. and it’s there that I’m stuck. and it’s really a place of pride and self-loathing all rolled into one. I’m struggling now between my heart and my head to really accept the gift that was given. that I can go to the cross and just be forgiven. what I’ve realized is that in my effort to become worthy and in essence, control God, that I have totally missed the point – that grace cannot be earned. but my sin is so huge. my head and my heart are just having such a hard time getting along – because let’s be honest, in church circles, adultery is up there with being gay. it’s unforgivable. it’s unredeemable. it’s not worthy of grace.
being a sinner is such a lonely place to be. why can’t churches be for sinners. for christ-followers that are sinners. I’m rambling. it’s late. and I’ve been pretty silent these last few days, although I’ve been reading everything.
serena, thank you for your posts & jenni, for hosting!
Cori,
I love meeting a fellow ‘rambler’.
Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do. And you’re right, it does come from pride. ‘You knew better.’ ‘You were better than that.’
Really?
Not being able to forgive yourself is the same thing as saying that what Jesus did wasn’t big enough to cover what you did. It’s easier to see when you look at it.
What’s awesome is that grace covers that, too.
cori, i’m so glad you weighed in. thank you for reading!
the church is FOR the sinner. i’m still waiting for “churches” to figure that out
Do I think I’m too far gone?
Not for God, thankfully… but it’s hard to remember that through my pain at times.
I am fighting giving up on everything….tired of the fight, tired of it.
Thank u for sharing….I need this community to keep me sane. God help me want to seek u again….
I think that one of the biggest obstacles people face when trying to forgive themselves resides in the opinions of others.
If you accept grace and begin to learn what it is to be free, what will the haters think? How will the people you hurt feel? What will the religious and pharisaical say?
Would it be easier to forgive yourself if you could move some place where nobody knew you? If so, then you know that you are playing to public opinion and not living in faith.
There has to be a point where people stop worrying about what other people think.
Oh Serena~ you truly speak my soul. Thank you~
xoxo!!
Back at you~ miss you
I’ll come visit soon.
Keep laughing and being a vessel of His scandalous grace, Serena! Thanks for your encouragement!
Traylor
I can say the same to you!