Vicki… Allison’s mother, is dying.
Alli is one of my closest friends… and her mother has ALWAYS been HER best friend. And, quite literally, at any minute, Vicki will be with Jesus. My heart hurts for Alli.
In all this happening so close to me, I keep trying to understand how she’s feeling…
… but I can’t.
I wish I could… but I just can’t. It feels as if I almost have an emotional barrier up that I can’t tear down because I don’t have the right tools.
I mean, I cry for Alli because I SEE she’s hurting and I pray for their family because I know they are devastated. They want MANY more years with Vicki… but won’t have it. But hurting FOR her is very different than feeling and understanding it for MYSELF.
My mother and I have never been close. I’m quite certain my mother never really wanted children… but she got us, so she did the best she could, which unfortunately, wasn’t all that great. I can’t speak for my sisters… but there’s a piece of love that I don’t understand or FEEL. I know HOW to love (to the best of my ability). I mean… I LOVE my husband and I LOVE my sons… but I don’t know how to RECEIVE love.
Part of me believes if I allow myself to receive love, then I’ll owe that person something I don’t want to give up later. Another part believes I’m not worthy of said love. And finally… the majority of me just doesn’t know how to accept it. Quite literally… I don’t know what to do with it once I’ve been handed a piece of someone’s heart. Weird? Yeah, I know.
Vicki OBVIOUSLY was and is an amazing mother and person. I remember a few years back, I “won” something from Jay (Alli’s husband) and as part of the gift, Vicki baked me some goods. She was sick, and REALLY didn’t need to bake me anything, but she did… out of love.
I want to be like Vicki.
I want to leave an incomparable legacy with Chance and Paxton.
I want my grandchildren to cherish my words to them.
I want to LOVE like Vicki…
… but more importantly… I want to BE loved like Vicki.
However, right now, I’m not allowing anyone to REALLY do that. Not even God. And without love… I’m dying.
I know I can be healed though. I know… and I also know, that very soon… Vicki’s body will be healed. Not her physical body… but the body that gets to live eternally with Jesus. An unbroken, unhurting, PERFECT body.
Please pray with me for the Whipps’ Family and everyone who’s connected to them.
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UPDATE: I got the word tonight, Friday, February 12th, that Vicki has gone to be with Jesus. Her pain is gone… but Alli’s isn’t. Please continue praying for the Whipps’ Family.
It’s hard to put words together when I read blog posts like this. My mother passed away on January 24th after a battle with cancer. She was only 60 years old.
I can only speak in terms of my experiences. But I know for a fact that I learned to love from the love my mother showed me. When I spoke at her memorial, I made sure to discuss the quality of Jesus that she had all her life before she even started to walk with Him. Unconditional love. She loved those around her unconditionally. No matter how many times we may have hurt her. No matter what we said. No matter what we did. She loved us.
You continue to love on your husband and your children as you have been. They’ll return that love and at some point (though I can’t possibly say when) that door will open up and you’ll allow yourself to be loved in the way you’ve given it.
I’ll be praying for the Whipps family. And I’ll be praying for you as well.
Thank you, Jay. I LOVE your comment and how obviously you loved your mother.
i so value your transparency, jenni. i’m also on a journey of discovering of how to receive love. how to be loved. i’m glad God’s got us journeying together. maybe He’s going to use us in each other’s lives to get us one step closer to where He wants our hearts to be.
I’m glad I have you, friend.
you have no idea how much i relate to this post. on so many levels.
i’m STILL learning to receive love.
and my relationship with my mother is nothing like what i hope my relationship with my children will one day be.
thanks for sharing your heart so well.
thanks, joy renee! i think a lot of people know this feeling all too well. i’m just hoping our awareness changes the course in this next generation.
Another parallel. I’m right there with you. I was adopted back in the 50′s. 6 weeks old. Maybe it was that initial bonding I didn’t receive. I don’t know, but I have a very strained relationship with my mother, too. She turned 80 on Saturday.
I never really thought about the receiving of love! Maybe that’s why I use sarcasm (sometimes to my detriment). It’s what I received growing up. Only in an intentionally mean way. I guess I try to “fit in” with the crowd. Maybe it’s why I didn’t have close girlfriends. Ever. Until I got into recovery. Now I’m trying, ever so hard, to become transformed. Into someone who CAN receive love. That unconditional kind I feel toward my husband. My daughter. Even toward myself. To stop the insecurity. To stop the insanity.
Thanks, Jenni. For your honesty. For your compassion. For your tears.
i totally understand. i didn’t have close girlfriends till VERY recently in my life.
here’s to our healing together!!!
Hi, friend. I’m not going to tell you what’s right or wrong or how to feel or what to do. I’m just going to promise you this: I will always love you. Unconditionally. With no strings. If you never do another thing for me for the rest of your life, I will still love you. If you stop talking to me and 10 years from now you need me, I’ll still be here… happy to hear from you and loving you without condition.
You don’t have to know what to do with it. You don’t have to do anything with it. You never have to give me anything and I’ll never ask for anything back. I’m just going to keep loving you and being your friend until you get used to the feeling… you’ll learn to accept it as we go. Some people say that kind of love fills them up, but I want you to know it can empty you of the bad stuff. Because I will ALWAYS care, you can free yourself from the bricks of that wall that keep you scared.
And no matter how long that takes, I’ll be here. I promise. And I don’t break promises.
i love you! thank you, gitz! i treasure you!!!
I love you.