Jenni on Skype: jclayville 
Yesterday, Mike Foster, wrote a post on the People of the Second Chance website titled SILENCE IS NOT GOLDEN… SPEAK UP!
This post resonated with me all too well.
When Brian and I publicized the death of our first marriage, this is exactly what we encountered:
SILENCE.
We knew our friends just didn’t know what to say.
They didn’t want to say the wrong thing.
They didn’t want to seem judgmental.
They didn’t want to hurt our feelings.
But in their silence, what they told us (though they didn’t mean to) was this :
YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN!
Don’t get me wrong. We had a handful of friends that DID check in on us just to tell us they were praying for us, but the problem is when you hit rock bottom like this, you already feel completely alone. In a way… you’re almost deficit in how alone you feel… so a couple of phone calls won’t even bring you back to ground zero. Silence only confirms your deepest fears: that you’ve been abandoned by the world.
Obviously, Brian and I made it through the darkest times, but here’s a word to those of you who have friends that are currently going through the desert:
SPEAK UP!
You don’t need to say anything profound. Just say this (practice it with me):
“Hi friend. Listen… I was just thinking about you. I really don’t have anything to say. No advice. Just wanted you to know I LOVE you.”
Then… pray for them… and call them again in a couple of days. And a couple of days after that. And after that. Every time you think about them, drop them a note, an email, a text, a voicemail. These simple acts make a world of difference.
So, it’s your turn. Speak up, because silence = perceived judgment.
“Silence only confirms your deepest fears: that you’ve been abandoned by the world.”
Yep. Sure does.
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Too true. Thank you again, for speaking into my life.
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“Silence = perceived judgment”
Wow. I cannot even put into words how that makes me feel. It was always at the back of my mind. Pushed back so I didn’t have to deal with them. Because that’s how I feel with my husband & my recovery. He has trouble, even after 2 1/2 yrs telling too many people I’m in recovery. His silence = judging. Me. My disease. My new friends. Worlds that collide between “acting” normal & being an addict in recovery. I am an embarrassment. Many of these feelings are MY perception. My disease wanting me to always be ashamed of what I did & what I became. And that I am forever branded with guilt & shame. It’s not going away. It will be a part of my life. Forever. But, it doesn’t have to be what weighs me down. I can move forward. However sluggishly.
Having new friends like you gives me more hope than you will ever know. Tears. Good tears. They wash away so much. Honesty. I feel a connection with so many people. People I’ve never met, but who understand. POTSC. Forever bonded. Thank goodness there is no silence from the keyboard. Or the screen as I read about others struggles. How to deal with my own.
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jenni Reply:
February 28th, 2010 at 11:43 am
that’s the “silence” part.
in most cases… silence just allows us to speak lies into our own souls. people think they’re helping… but in reality, silence is just doing more damage.
Brian and I still have to intentionally work on communicating when we WANT to be silent… but that’s the thing… we have to be willing to work at it.
i’m proud of you and your recovery, shellie!
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Shellie (baylormum) Reply:
February 28th, 2010 at 12:59 pm
It’s so simple, but so hard.
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And I will say, with first hand knowledge, that you speak up when people you know … or don’t really know … are going through tough times. And I, for one, and quite grateful!
So thanks for taking that knowledge and using it to walk with others and make them feel not-so-alone.
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jenni Reply:
March 1st, 2010 at 12:18 am
thank you, friend!
i’m still learning.
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This was very well said, Miss Jenni. Up until a few years ago, my parents had a very hard time with me being sick and just ignored it like it didn’t exist… not asking how I was, for the first 12 years of this, never even coming to the hospital when I’d be in there for a week at a time. Their silence spoke to me that they didn’t believe me or were judging me that I wasn’t tough enough. I now know it was just that it was too hard for them to see me go through it. It had nothing to do with me, it had to do with them. Once I got so sick that it couldn’t be denied, their actions changed… and I truly think it’s so much easier for them to just deal with the reality of it now than it was to try to pretend it away.
There are so many different ways silence can hurt. It did hurt me when they were silent, but I see now that I think it hurt them more. I’m not even sure they realize what they did or the change in them, but I see it and am glad for them that they found their voice.
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jenni Reply:
March 1st, 2010 at 12:19 am
i love that you can see from where they stand. you’re quite amazing, my dear friend!
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Yes, agreed. I have a friend right now that I’m having to do this with (a lot of are having to do it actually) because she is in a super abusive relationship and has shared that at times she thinks her only way out is to die…. so until we can get her safely away from him (hopefully this week!), we smother her with love and let her know she is worthy, let her know she’s not alone, let her know there are people who want to help pull her up from that deficit. Her pain is obvious…. It’s hard to know at other times when the hurting ones lives aren’t in danger or if they seem to have it all together (not implying that about you).
I hate when people hurt.
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i can’t say “amen” loud enough.
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Wow. Nail on the head. I feel so disconnected from my friends and family since my husband and I divorced our old relationship and started on this new journey. My circle has gotten very small, indeed. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for your candor. I feel less disconnected when I see how not alone I really am. Thank you. Humbly, thank you.
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Jenni Clayville Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:38 pm
marty, you’re definitely NOT alone. there are many of us that feel this way… just not many of us who talk about it so publicly. you’re FAR from being alone.
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I 100% agree with all that you’ve stated, cuz I’ve definitely felt that way before… so I want to comment on being the person who’s in the desert. I’m there a lot.. in fact I’m there right now.. ha ha..
Truthfully, when I’m absorbed in a self-focused world (and I am not saying this as a negative thing.. just stating that in that particular moment/season.. life for me has become centripetal).. sometimes whether you stay silent or speak up, it will still rub me wrong simply because of the fragile space I’m existing in.
I’m just learning that:
1) everyone’s value of things are different. — thus –
2) people will let me down. — but –
3) people cannot make me whole.
4) people cannot save me. — however –
5) there are other people in this world…
6) CONSIDER… that they are probably in a desert too..
7) … maybe I should find one and be a “golden” person to them despite my own desert I’m walking.
I feel that in addition to thinking of ways other people could better serve me.. I can also ask the question of how I can better serve others.. not to make what I’m going through less important or valuable.. but regardless of what I may be going through.. or that it sucks that my friends aren’t pulling the load.. I feel that my focus should still be on others..
Just thinking with you. Thanks for sharing and letting this be an open forum.
Love you.
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Jenni Clayville Reply:
March 6th, 2010 at 9:39 am
I’m sorry you’re going through the desert right now, Nae. That’s never easy… and it’s such a lonely, lonely place.
The first step is allowing people to know you’re in the desert so that those who can help, CAN help. I love you, honey!!!
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Renée Reply:
March 6th, 2010 at 3:41 pm
Oh the desert is quite pretty. There are definite moments of suck.. but it’s ok.
I guess, in addition to letting people know I’m in a desert.. I’d rather look up and outside of my world and see who else I can help. 
Cuz the world doesn’t revolve around me. Is it ok that things are tough in my world? Sure.. has God placed amazing people to be present? Yes. If anything, I find that I am just not grateful enough for what I have.. 
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