Since sharing our story of my affair, Brian and I have received bulldozer (we don’t have a bulldozer, so I don’t really know how big that is) amounts of emails, phone calls, and messages.
Some of the most encouraging emails we’ve received are from people who want to know HOW to prevent an affair. YES!!! This is the right question, because an affair is preventable if you are aware you’re not immune. I’ve replied to many emails already, but I thought I’d gather my thoughts a bit more linearly and post them here for dialogue.
You need to ask yourself how you’re doing in all these areas, and answer them honestly. I posted some of these questions over on this GUEST POST, but I thought I’d address “DO’s” and “DO NOT’s” in more detail here:
DO:
- Communicate: you need to talk to your spouse. Marriage isn’t a “happily ever after”… it’s a “once upon a time” so work it out. The reason God gave you YOUR spouse is to grow YOU in those specific areas. Communication isn’t one way… so if you’re the “talker” (like me) in the relationship, ask questions, shut up, and LISTEN. And most importantly… PRAY TOGETHER. Communicate with God TOGETHER.
- Have Sex: seriously… once a month (or year) is NOT going to do it. If you’re not connecting physically, that brings about insecurity. Insecurity does NOT belong in a marriage.
- Creatively Encourage: yes… your other needs to hear you say it. ”You should just know I love you” is NOT a good way to say “I love you”. And while you’re saying “I love you”, be creative with your words in WHY you love him/her. Make time in the day to text or call just to say what you appreciate about your spouse.
- Invest in Counseling: we all need a little bit of therapy! You cannot rightly say “It’s over!” if you haven’t tried everything. Yes, it costs money and yes, there’s a “stigma”. Who cares… it’s your MARRIAGE. We all enter into marriage with baggage. It is NOT fair to drop that on our spouse and say, “Your problem now!” Also, find good accountability. Find people that can tell you “no” or “you’re wrong” to your face.
- Plant a Hedge: we all have a “line” we don’t cross. I had it too… until I jumped over it and stayed there for awhile. Plant a BIG hedge in front of the line so even if you get bumped in that direction, you won’t cross that line. It probably wouldn’t hurt to plant a hedge around your marriage too. Here’s how…
DO NOT:
- Trash Talk: trashing your spouse in front of your friends is NOT ok. Do you realize you are the one who looks like an idiot when you do that? I mean, YOU’RE the one who married him/her. Also, sharing more information with someone other than your spouse is a HUGE red flag. The only thing worse is talking to them about your marriage. STOP and get out fast. You are swimming with sharks there, friend.
- Spend Alone Time with the Opposite Gender: No buts. I understand if there are business meetings that need to occur. Go to public places. Drive separately. Try to bring a third person. In a world of social media and emails, make sure your spouse has your passwords to everything. Make it impossible to hold any secrets from your spouse.
- Use Your Children: Yes… you. Don’t hide behind your children. Yes, your kids need you, but what they need most is to see Mom & Dad IN LOVE and working it out. It doesn’t hurt them to see you argue… but they NEED to see you resolve it. This also helps train them to deal with conflict in a healthy way when they’re older.
- Avoid Brokenness: this is where you’ll find your strength. This is where you find wholeness. It’s gonna hurt. BAD! But you’ll come out stronger in the end. Think Olympic athletes. They have to break down their bodies to become as strong as they are. Training is not comfortable.
- Withhold Forgiveness: bringing up the past when it’s already been addressed and dealt with is not going to help your marriage. I once heard someone say, “Not forgiving is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” It’s stupid. How do you move forward into the future if you’re clinging to the past. For some of you, the person you need to forgive the most is not your spouse… it’s you. Forgive.
I know many of you reading this may not have survived your marriage. I know many of you tried and did ALL you could, but it just didn’t work. I don’t even pretend to know that kind of devastation. I’m not necessarily speaking to you about any of this, but I will say there is something quite amazing about hope. I don’t know what that looks like in your life… but it’s there – as plain as the gray in my hair… it’s there.
We have no way of controlling our spouse. The only person you are accountable for is YOU. So, step up and DO what you need to do and DON’T do what’s going to hurt you.
