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Tag Archive - Affair

New Beginnings: A Year

May 19, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Life Experience, Marriage with 16 Comments

It’s been a year.

Last year, at this time, our family and closest friends came from all over the world to celebrate with us.

This coming weekend marks Brian & my new anniversary.

It’s been a year…

… since we renewed our wedding vows.
… since we publicly declared we’re in for life… again.
… since we publicly divorced our old marriage.

A year.

And though most of this is amazing and worth celebrating, this year also triggers the bitter memories of WHY we had to renew our vows.

We all celebrate the good, but sometimes we forget that recognize good because bad is also present. So, while Brian and I celebrate the restoration of our marriage, know we are also praying for you:

… for those of you who have contacted us and your marriages are hurting.
… for those of you who haven’t yet but your story is painfully similar to ours.
… for those of you who feel hopeless.

We know. We’ve been there. I’m so sorry. But there is redemption on the other side if you choose it. And a new beginning is possible.

Renewal: The new beginning from Jay McKenney on Vimeo.

“Everybody wants to love… and everybody wants to be loved.”

What’s the new beginning you so desperately need today?
How can we pray for you?

Brian Clayville: Forgiveness

August 23, 2010 in Adultery, Family, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Life Experience, Marriage, Ministry with 41 Comments

My hero in all of this (other than Jesus) is my amazing husband, Brian.

I don’t even have words to express how grateful and blessed I feel to have him in my life. Brian’s an amazing father… and an even more amazing husband now that we’ve worked through (and will continue to work through) one of the roughest patches I believe we’ll ever need to work through.

He’s grown into an amazingly bold spiritual leader. Not only for our family, but for the community in which we are a part of. I believe every morning he sets his foot on the ground, satan utters expletives. I’m ok with that… because he should. Brian is a force to be reckoned with. Not because he’s a super public speaker or because he’s a blogger (in fact, he neglects his blogs… often), but because he listens, obeys and SPEAKS God’s words without falter or apologies.

He is a MAN among men. He is MY man!

In this post, Brian speaks directly to the hurt party. He speaks well… and I believe there is no better speaker on this matter.

Listen up, soak it in, chime in…

Brian’s Blog: www.brianclayville.com
Brian’s Twitter: @brianclayville

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When you have been wronged, how do you forgive?
Do you have to forgive?
Is it just something you say or is there real action behind it?
How do you know when it is real?

I won’t pretend to be an expert in this matter, but I WILL share my own experience in my processing these questions.

When Jenni told me about her affair I almost instantly wanted to say “I forgive you”. There are a few reasons I wanted to jump to forgiveness right away without even processing what I had just learned.

1.     I am a non-confrontational person by nature.
2.     It would be a lot less painful in the short term to bury this and move on.
3.     I could go on being “the nice guy” and get accolades from my Christian homeys.
4.     It would keep my family together so my kids would have both parents in one home.

However, I intentionally chose NOT to say the words, “I forgive you” too hastily even though I was tempted to.

Deep down I knew it was a lie if I just said it without grieving my loss and processing my pain. I knew that God had work to do in me, in Jenni and especially in our marriage. There was no way for me to know what would happen during this process of unpacking the destruction of our marriage. I chose to take it one day at a time and trust God to help me make right decisions along the way.

In all honesty, I did NOT make all the right decisions along the way, but I DID make some vital decision correctly.

I’ve never been one to hold grudges. As I think back on my life, I’ve never found myself to be offended by anyone in a deep way. It has always been easy for me to forgive people. It was easy for me to say, “forgiveness is required of Christians because of the forgiveness we’ve received from Jesus”. But, now I was in a real world situation where I had really been hurt. I had the opportunity to practice my belief.

What should I do?

Let’s back up for a minute.

I learned of Jenni’s affair around the end of April in 2009. We began counseling in May and worked hard for the next three months. Our goals were to figure out:

* if we could stay married
* why we ended up in such a messy situation
* what we needed to do to prevent anything like this ever happening to us again.

After three months of roller coaster emotions, good conversations and arguing, connecting and mourning. We discovered a lot of good but I was getting really raw emotionally. Exhausted. I began to withdraw. I began to feel sorry for myself and do everything I could to numb the pain. After a month or so of hiding emotionally, I connected with my friend, Chad Markley. He challenged me. I responded. Over the next couple months, Jen and my greatest progress was made.

One day, in August of 2009, during my quiet time with God… He spoke to me about forgiveness. He made it clear that He had forgiven me for so much and that He would continue to forgive me for future mistakes. I desired to be free of bitterness toward Jenni and to not let our past have any power over me. It became clear to me that forgiveness meant no strings, no reminders, no bitterness, and no grudge.

Forgiveness = Freedom!

I made a decision at that moment. I drove straight home and told Jenni what I had done. It was exhilarating and freeing. By far the best decision I have ever made in my married life. But the story doesn’t end here.

With this new found freedom in forgiveness through the power of Christ. I knew I had no authority to ever bring up the affair in a fight to gain emotional power over Jenni. I did not get to make excuses for my behavior because of her past mistake. I had chosen to leave this behind forever as if it never happened. Not to pretend it never happened but to love Jenni and treat her as if it never happened.

Satan has tried to dig it up old feelings and get me worked up at times, but I have been able to turn these thoughts toward Him, the higher power, and ask Him to give me the strength to honor my decision to forgive and move forward. The actual affair has no emotional power over me. I hold no bitterness towards Jenni. I made the decision, but God has DEFINITELY walked with me through all of this… because I asked Him to.

Who do you need to forgive and will you choose freedom?

Alece Ronzino: Even Me

August 20, 2010 in Adultery, Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Life Experience, Marriage, Ministry with 89 Comments

One of my closest heart friends, Alece, is the walking, living, breathing definition of “grace”.

She and I are so alike. Our childhoods and relationships with our mothers are very similar. There have been times we haven’t had to speak… cuz we just KNEW. However, in the same ways our stories are similar, our stories are also VASTLY different. The most obvious: I was the adulterer. Alece is the woman that was cheated on.

Granted, her husband wasn’t the one exact one I stole, but I guess it doesn’t really matter which make or model I took since it was never mine to take. I know my past choices represent a side. The opposite side of Alece’s… and all the “Jane’s” who’ve been wronged. However, somehow, God’s grace blanketed our opposing situations and bonded us into a sisterhood that can never be broken.

Now, she’s going to talk to you about a side I didn’t ever live, but is more a part of my life than I’ll ever want to admit.

Alece’s Blog: www.gritandglory.com
Alece’s Twitter: @gritandglory

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The past few years have been, by far, the worst of my entire life.

But my husband’s infidelity wasn’t the most painful part. Nor was the eighteen months of lies, or hearing him say he was leaving me for good.

The most agonizing part of it all is something I have difficulty explaining.

The four months from when his affair was exposed until he voiced his decision for divorce were unequivocally the most painful I’ve ever lived through.

He planned to leave me months before he made it official. And as I hung on, wanting to see our marriage restored, he deliberately and willfully messed with my heart.

He kept me on a string like a yo-yo, bouncing between two extremes. He’d push me away and then pull me back again. He’d tell me one day that he was willing to do the hard work of repairing trust and rebuilding our marriage, and the next that he’d never loved me to begin with.

Those months were a living hell for me.

I’ve blocked out many of the details of that time, but I recently read back through some emails I’d sent friends during those months. And I was horrified by what I read.

Horrified.

Being reminded of how cruelly I was treated made me sick to my stomach.

There aren’t words that can do justice to the pain my heart endured at the hands of my husband. The English language simply doesn’t run deep enough for that.

I wouldn’t wish those things on anyone.

Not even the other woman.

And in the moments when I’m being most honest with myself, I have to admit:

I wish I’d valued myself enough to get out.

I should have made the choice to leave. But I was too afraid.

Afraid of the people who wouldn’t understand my decision. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of not being the good, Godly wife. Afraid to stand up for me.

And while I knew what I would have told anyone else in my position, I couldn’t bring myself to make that same decision for me.

So I stayed in a situation that was harmful and unhealthy. I allowed my husband to continue his cruel and intentional abuse of my heart.

I sacrificed me for the sake of us.

An us that didn’t even exist anymore. An us that he’d walked away from a long time ago. An us that was an ideal rather than a reality.

While I ultimately desired restoration in my marriage, I shouldn’t have clung to that hope at the detriment of my own heart.

Because it just about ruined me.

But yet here I am, another year-and-a-half later, and my heart feels more whole than I ever thought possible.

God is redeeming even this.

He doesn’t waste a thing.

Everything can be made new. Everything can be redeemed. Everything can be made whole.

Even me.

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If you are the woman who’s been wronged, I’m so sorry.

I wish I could apologize FOR her… for him, but I can’t. All I can tell you is there is a freedom on the other side… but you gotta be willing to walk through the hell to get there.

It’s YOUR turn to be free!

Cindy Beall: But Then God

August 19, 2010 in Adultery, Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Life Experience, Marriage with 22 Comments

When I first confessed my affair with some of my friends, my good friend, Tam, sent me to Cindy’s blogsite.

After reading her whole story and seeing it from the other perspective, I mourned. I mourned not only what I had done, but what I had done to the other family. But Cindy gave me hope. Through Cindy’s words, I began to believe that even GOD could restore my situation: my marriage, my family, the other family, my LIFE. And not only RESTORE, but bring everything to an even better place than they once were.

At the time, that was the only hope I could hold on to… and today, it has become my reality.

I can honestly say that without this first little glimpse from Cindy, I wouldn’t know where to keep my eye on the “prize”.

I’d encourage you to read Cindy’s story of grace, TRUE forgiveness, and redemption.

Cindy’s Blog: www.cindybeall.com
Cindy’s Twitter: @cindybeall

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“I don’t think I could ever get over that.”

It’s the phrase I hear from people all the time when I tell them about my journey through infidelity with my husband, Chris. And I guess I can see where they are coming from when I look back on the last 8 ½ years and remember what we’ve overcome:

My pastor husband confesses multiple affairs to me in February, 2002, shares that his “acting out” stems from his 20+ years of addiction to pornography, that he’s fathered a child with one of the women, resignation from our church position at LifeChurch.tv where our story was shared with our entire congregation, struggling financial situation, loss of friendships, loss of dignity, loss of ministry, beginning to walk the road of restoration with vulnerability, humility and a willingness to do whatever it takes to make it work, welcoming a baby into the world, being restored to the staff of LifeChurch.tv 18 months later, sharing our story publicly for the purpose of redemption and hope, inviting a baby and his mother into our world, having a stronger, healthier marriage than we ever imagined, pitching our story to publishers for years, landing a book contract with Harvest House Publishers to share said story of hope that will release on July 11, 2011 and having two hearts that are full of gratitude for all that God has done through this horrifically, wonderful situation.

I didn’t know he was being unfaithful but once he confessed, things started to make sense. While I felt like I was a good wife, I knew there were things that I did to contribute to the whole mess. (And no, I didn’t withhold myself from my husband in any way, if that is what you are thinking.) What I did do is coddle him, protect him, and even enable him in his path of destruction by making no attempts to confront behavior that was just plain “off”. I had no idea at the time that maybe, just maybe I could have done something, said something to him that might have changed things. I guess I’ll always second-guess the whole thing.

We often say that the good news isn’t always that good until you know what the bad news is. The bad was really bad. I will not lie to you. But the good? The good of this story is so remarkable. It has nothing to do with me or my husband, but everything to do with a redeeming, loving, powerful God who called us to trust Him in the midst of our pain so that others, who would walk the road of infidelity, might find hope. A hope and a future (Jer. 29:11).

Remembering all we’ve been through, especially as I’m in the midst of writing my manuscript, does make me stand in awe of the whole thing. In awe of what we endured, what we learned, how we saw the body of Christ respond, but mostly in awe of the redeeming power of our miracle-producing God. Because the simple truth is this: Without Him, we would have been floundering in our pain, bitterness and addiction and probably would have never survived any of it.

My stepson spent five weeks with us this summer and the night before he left, he sat on my lap and cried because he was going to miss us. My heart ached then and the entire trip back the next day to return him to his mother. As we were about to leave him and head back home, we all gave our rounds of hugs. Even his mother and I. We’ve grown to truly love one another through all of this and work really hard to make the life of a little boy full of love.

So when I hear “I don’t think I could ever get over that” or “I don’t think I could ever go through that”, I just smile. Because the truth of the matter is that I never would have imagined it either.

But then God.

Jesus looked at them and said,

“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

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Is there anything in your life you THINK you can’t get over?

Sarah Markley: Divorced

August 18, 2010 in Adultery, Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Life Experience, Marriage with 33 Comments

Sarah and I have a similarity in our life journey’s we’ll both never be proud of… yet it brought us together in our healing. I’m thankful for this because I’m quite certain we’ll be healing for the rest of our lives on earth.

I often find myself nodding and “mmhmm”-ing as I read Sarah’s writings because I’ve been there. I remember the feeling. I STILL feel it… however, at the same time, I find myself learning something new as I read. God has given me clarity in my own emotions in reading Sarah’s work. And in my connection with Sarah, I find myself understanding and accepting grace in a whole new level.

Brian and I are SO thankful for our friendship with Sarah and Chad… and I’m so excited to host some of her words today.

For more of their story, watch it HERE.

Sarah’s blog: www.sarahmarkley.com
Sarah’s twitter: @sarahmarkley

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My husband and I had to go through a divorce.

Not a dissolution of our marriage, but we had divorce ourselves from the old way that we lived and breathed.

After I confessed to an extra-marital affair, after God had broken my heart and soul and I experienced true repentance, and after my husband had forgiven me we had to figure out how to pick up the pieces. We knew we had to leave the old people that we were back where they belonged.

Stuck in time.

Stuck in a bad place.

And we couldn’t be those people anymore. I couldn’t be that girl anymore.

I mean, who had done this before? People do recover from affairs but no one we knew had or no one we knew had been open about it. How do we survive this?

We were scared because no one we knew had actually gotten through this to the other side.

Every memory we had of the first seven years of our marriage was tainted by this giant, oil spill filth. The confession, repentance and mutual work of moving toward healing was as if we’d capped the spill. But the muck, the dirt was still there.

How do we stay married and live remembering what had happened? By this time I was as disgusted with my own actions as my husband was with them too.

In the beginning he asked me specifics. When? Where? How did it happen? Was it when he was gone travelling for business? Was it early in the morning when I went to the gym? Had it been going on for a long time? Yes, and yes and yes. I buried my head in my hands. I was so ashamed.

And I was trying to forget all of this. I was trying to forget the man I’d almost sacrificed my marriage for. I was trying to divorce myself from those tethers and regain the bridge to my family. To my daughter and to my husband.

I’d been gone for so long…

I didn’t want to remember the details. I wanted to just divorce myself from the past several years and just move on.

I took my face from my hands and I told him the when’s and the where’s and even the how’s. {I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the why’s. Those would come later because, honestly, I didn’t know what to say.}

He wept. He was wounded and he shook his head. Because he’d been faithful when I had not been.

We looked at each other and we knew we had to go through a divorce.

Not the kind that normally comes from an affair, from a heart turned so far away from what it was meant to love, but divorce of everything we had known before.

He stopped asking questions. I stopped thinking about the where’s and the how’s and the when’s of my affair. And even in our therapy sessions we began to look forward rather than backward.

It hurt. That divorce. Because laced in with the filth was some love and some beauty. We even had to forget most of that because it was almost impossible to extract from the filth. Like the spill. It couldn’t really be filtered well.

But it was the best choice we could have made.

And today we stand, still divorced {at least from our old life} but newlyconnected with new bonds and a new covenant built on Someone stronger than ever before.

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What areas in your life do you need to divorce today?

Trisha Davis: YOU

August 17, 2010 in Adultery, Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Life Experience, Marriage with 42 Comments

We heard from Justin earlier today, but my favorite Davis is Trisha.

Trish was one of the first three people I told about my affair. In the midst of it all, she never abandoned me… and kept reminding me that neither did God.

When she said she was praying for me… I knew SHE WAS PRAYING. She was constant with checking in and speaking grace over me. She was the EXACT friend I needed at that EXACT time.

In this post, Trish takes us back to that day she realized her life as she had known it was over. She even gives us a glimpse of her personal journal entry here. And the love and forgiveness that spills out in her re-living that moment makes me want to live a more faithful and trusting life with my Savior. I have such a long way to go… but I am so thankful for a friend like Trish who lovingly reminds me of Who’s REALLY in control.

Trish’s Blog: www.refineourmarriage.com
Trish’s Twitter: @trishadavis23

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October 9, 2005 the morning began with a beautiful sunrise. I had woken-up at 4:30AM knowing I had to be at church by 6:30AM for rehearsal. Two hours and a brand new outfit was surely what I needed to make myself beautiful. I thought to myself “If I make myself as beautiful as possible then I know he will choose me.”

Church began and I found myself on a stage singing words like “How great is our God.” It was all I could do to lead and not run off the stage in tears. Then Justin spoke. He was sick and losing his voice and I remember him speaking as if all was well. Then it was time for that last song. I’m not sure if I sang it with a heart of desperation or just complete numbness. It was a song by Joy Williams Called “Hide” here are the lyrics:

To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they’re not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don’t have to hide
You don’t have to hide anymore
You don’t have to face this on your own
You don’t have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who’s tryin’ to cover up their scars
To anyone who’s ever made a big mistake
We’ve all been there, so don’t be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You’ve been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
‘Cause He knows where you are, where you’ve been
His scars will heal you if you let Him

As soon as I was done I scooped-up my three boys then ages 2,6 & 9 and raced home. Exhausted from the morning I decided to take a nap in my bed with my little guy. An hour had past and I awoke to a frantic Justin yelling at me to get-up. I was a bit disoriented as he kept repeating, “I’m not in love with you, I’m not in love with you.” Then his next words would change my life forever… “I’m having an affair…with your best friend.”

Have you ever watched one of those 20/20’s about a person who should have seen all the signs and didn’t. You’re so frustrated that you’re yelling at the TV “why won’t you run?” That was me. All the signs were there and instead of confronting I tried to woo him back (from what I didn’t know). I just needed to try. It was like I knew it was happening but deep down I just had to be wrong! For my children… I had to be wrong… for my church family….

I. HAD. TO. BE. WRONG.

Within 24 hours I had lost my husband, my best friend, and my church family. I had to sit my children down and tell them “Daddy isn’t coming home.” I went upstairs to our room and packed every ounce of Justin’s clothing smelling and clinging to each piece before I packed it away. Within 24 hours I lost the life I had always known.

Two days later, I went to the only place I knew and this is what I prayed.

I’m being very vulnerable here. This is NOT FOR SHOCK factor. In fact, I just got this post to Jenni at the last minute because I just didn’t know if I could share it. But I couldn’t stop thinking about

YOU

YOU hurting, broken and shattered looking for hope!

YOU whose been reading our blog and want to package our story thinking God did this for us but he won’t for you.

YOU the “Cheater” who feels like there is no hope for healing and restoration because of how badly you’ve messed-up

Mark 10:27 (New Living Translation)
27 Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God.”

Today I pray you find hope that Jesus is as real as my story and commit to reading his word and daily giving your wounds to Him. I can’t promise that your marriage will be saved but I can promise that He will do the impossible in you… Heal.

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It’s YOUR turn to heal… but you must choose it.