Nicole is the equivalent of the “triple threat” on Broadway… but in real life.  She’s THAT woman that Satan needs to look out for.  She WILL unravel his evil plans just by her willingness to be honest, authentic and real in all her experiences… especially the ones that most people hide.

She first got my attention by her adoption story.  As I got to know her better, I realized she’s more multi-faceted than anyone I’d ever met in my 31 years.  She’s also is a supporting author to XXXChurch.com.

Visit her at her place or follow her on Twitter… but for now, take in the wisdom she brings here.

Nicole – thank you for sharing your heart here.  You are an amazing blessing to me!

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The darkest days of our marriage were the first few months after I learned that my husband had committed adultery. I had been well aware of his struggle with pornography but had been made to believe that it was “under control”. Over a year had passed since I had last discovered porn on his computer and I had come to believe that this scary, hurtful part of our marriage was behind us. I had shut out everything that had happened and naively hoped that if I ignored them, the painful memories would go away. We didn’t discuss it and our lives moved on.

When he confessed, or more accurately admitted, that his addiction had not only resurfaced but crossed a new line from virtual to flesh and blood I was devastated. At the time I was six months pregnant with our daughter and between the hormones and the horrible truth of a one night stand sent me into a deep depression. Everything in my life was suddenly muddy and unclear. Everything that I had ever thought about myself, my husband, my marriage, and my relationship with God was turned upside down by five little words:” I went home with someone”.

I never dreamt that I would recover from this. And at the time I seriously doubted that our marriage would survive. But somehow it did.

I could go on forever about all of the miracles that we witnessed in the years following his confession. I could fill this entire page talking about all of the ways that God has reshaped us as we submitted ourselves to His process of recovery, healing, reconciliation, and restoration. I wish I had hours to tell you about all the ways that God revealed his strength, power, character, and truth to us in our weakness. What I will tell you is that the most important thing I learned on this journey is that the magnitude of my faith is inline with the magnitude of my calling when I am in desperate pursuit of Jesus.

I clung to Mark 5 :27-28 each day during this time. It reads;

“When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought “If I just touch his clothes I will be healed”.

I needed to be reminded to desperately pursue the source of my healing and restoration. Even now when I am feeling lost, alone, hopeless or helpless I remind myself that if I press through whatever is crowding me out and can get close enough just to touch the very tip of the hem of his garment He will call me out of the crowd and restore me.

Are you willing to reach out & touch His cloak?

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The very thought of this was overwhelmingly humiliating for both of us.  Jenni had just conquered several years worth of fear by telling me her most painful secret and now a week later, I was asking her to expose this ugliness to all those closest to us.  She shut down in fear…

… but not for long.

Within 24 hours, Jenni did as I asked.  Our pastor and his wife were at our house the next night.  Jenni shared her story boldly, even though she knew she could lose her job as the Worship Pastor at the church.  This was a big deal because we really needed this income.  Our fear was quickly quieted and Jenni’s willingness to be honest was embraced.  Matt and Cindy were gracious, forgiving and supportive.  Not only did they choose to keep Jenni on staff, but they really helped us in many ways through our healing process. I can’t say many people in church leadership are like this.

Over the next few days, Jenni called our closest friends… the ones she had lied to and confessed her story.  One of her first calls was to the wife of the man she had the affair with.  That’s a whole different story, but I can tell you that she forgave Jenni and they are actively working through an amazing restoration in their friendship.  The reaction from the rest of our friends and family were varied but most were very forgiving and full of grace. I was and still am so proud of her for being willing to risk so much and to be so vulnerable.

The months following didn’t get any easier. I guess you can say I was going through the grieving process. I pulled back from life. Several times, I wanted to give up on our marriage and just escape the pain. Maybe a handful of people checked in on me or called to encourage me… but this was rare. I’m not saying this is their fault, but the reality is people didn’t know what to do or what to say, so they just did nothing.  Jenni and I had counseling but that was only an hour every week.

I felt abandoned.

The worst part was how distant I felt from God. I withdrew from Him just as I did from most people in my life. He felt so distant and irrelevant to me that I could not bring myself to pray or seek him with any consistency.

Finally, in mid-August, I knew it was time to stop focusing on my pain. It was MY turn to heal. It was time to come out of this desert.  I asked God to use my horrible reality for his Glory. It was not clear to me what that meant or how I would do it, but I MADE that decision.

Jenni arranged a last minute trip to my parents’ house in La Grande. We spent a lot of time praying, being quiet and just BEING together.  I found God again… right where I had left him.  This weekend away became an instrumental time for our marriage.  We were healing.  Not just the pretend-stuff-it-under-the-rug “healing”… but we were falling in love again.  Me and God… and me and Jenni.

We came home with a new hope, a new goal and a new future.  We were like newlyweds.  Everything was actually good, which was amazing because there was a time when I truly wondered if anything would ever be “good” again.  My marriage was… no… is GREAT!

This was when God decided to do as I had asked – use my horrible reality for His Glory.  In my quiet time with God, He spoke:

“It’s time for you to share your story…”

“WHAT???  Jen will NEVER go with this!  She had a hard enough time telling those closest to us!”  I argued back.  But God was going before us in a way I had never imagined.

Jenni came home from her staff meeting that day and said, “Matt (our pastor) wants us to share our story at church… and I think it’s time.”

We knew this was God ordained.  We knew it was time to finally obey God completely with our marriage.  We were scared spitless.  EVERYONE was going to know.  EVERYONE was going to judge us… judge Jenni…

… but it was time.

(… to be continued …)

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Read Our Story in order here:

Part One
Part Two

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When Jenni broke the news to me, I was devastated to say the least.

I went and stayed with my friend, Todd, who had recently been through some hard times of his own. For the next few days, Todd gave me a safe place to talk, pray and have a quiet place to rest.

He listened to my story.
He comforted  me.
He gave me space to process.

In my own reflection, I felt like such a small man.  I had been too weak to confront issues that had obviously been inappropriate.  Why had I not set stronger boundaries… been more protective and jealous?  How could I have not seen this happening with my wife?  After all… this was MY WIFE.

The next few weeks were an emotional roller coaster.  There were days, I totally blamed Jenni and the other man (who was my friend).  ”How could they have done this to me?”   Those days, I just wanted a divorce because I thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore.  However, there were also days where I just celebrated the fact that Jenni had finally been truthful with me.  Though the news was devastating, she ultimately chose to honor me… risking everything by telling me about her affair.

I realized that I had come very close to losing the love of my life.

You see, Jenni grew up in an emotionally abusive home and had a lot of emotional scars that needed to heal.  This didn’t stop at childhood. I have actually witnessed this during the time of our marriage.  My wife had been walking on eggshells for 30 years.  This caused her to build walls around herself for protection.  She was ready for conflict at all times… even if she didn’t need to be.  She NEVER felt safe, protected, or truly loved unconditionally.  I didn’t know how to provide all she needed.  Nor was I capable at that time.

Todd challenged me to stay by her and love her through the process. He reminded me that my boys needed a father AND mother working together to be Godly role models.  That’s when I finally made the decision:

I wanted to make our marriage work.

The work of processing through where I had failed in our marriage looked me straight in the eyes.  What I saw in myself was revealing and uncomfortable.

I rarely ever pursued Jenni.
I avoided anything that felt like conflict with her.
I never attempted heart felt communication with her.
I was not jealous enough as a husband and best friend to seek her full attention.

By not saying anything, I told Jenni she didn’t matter enough to me for me to fight for her.  I didn’t protect her OR cherish her.  Though she was the one who chose to splinter from our marriage vows, I knew I too was responsible for the breakdown of our marriage.

But the more I thought about this three year secret that had just surfaced, the more I realized I wasn’t the only person Jenni had hidden this part of her life from.   For lack of better words, Jenni had lied to many of our close friends and family too.  I asked her if she would go and tell them the truth.

She flipped out…

(… to be continued …)

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Our Story – Part One

Even though Brian and I had become “glorified roommates”, I knew I still loved him. I obviously didn’t show it with my actions.  I knew I never wanted to leave Brian… but I couldn’t believe how quickly and deeply I had fallen for this other man.

Could it be possible that I married the wrong man?

He knew my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
He could finish my sentences.
He knew my thoughts just by looking at me.
He pursued me.
He gave me confidence.

This man wasn’t an evil predator that seduced married women for his own gain.  We were (inappropriately) BEST FRIENDS.  Though he had made that first move, I was the one who hooked him and didn’t let go.  Instead of seeking God or going to my husband, I used this other man to fill a very empty hole in my life.  And because he was/is just another hurt human being in search for something, we fell deeper.

In the confusion of thinking I was in love with TWO men, the one person I really didn’t love…

… was myself.

As most do, my affair ended.  I tried to LIVE with this deep, dark secret. I knew the other man would never say anything. No one would ever know. I thought I could live AND DIE with this secret.  I thought I was protecting Brian and Chance by keeping this secret from them, when in reality, I was just trying to protect the very little of myself I had left. I was convinced that if I kept this to myself that I could MAKE this work. I knew if anyone ever found out, I would lose everything. Worst of all, I locked God out of my life.

I lived every day trying to make what I did wrong… right. It was all works based. I said to myself, “I CAN DO THIS!!!” And by some standards, I did.  I was FINALLY being a good wife. I was dedicated to Brian… to Chance… to my church. But, I felt myself withdrawing from life.

Paxton was born November of 2008 and I fell into the deepest depression I had ever experienced. I blamed it on post-partum (partially true) but I knew where the root of my personal hell was coming from… and the worst part was, I didn’t allow anyone to come and help bear my burden. Not even Jesus. ESPECIALLY not Jesus.

Fast forward to April of this year. A couple we now consider good friends, Justin & Trish Davis shared their story with us. Long story short, Justin had an affair with Trisha’s best friend. In the pain of it all, they chose to work through it and stay married.  I had HEARD about things like this happening but had never PERSONALLY known real people who stayed together after a full-blown affair. The part that stuck with me the most was how much God had restored Justin and Trisha’s relationship with Himself.

This was my hearts biggest desire.

I needed to tell Brian. I knew I could possibly lose everything. Brian could leave me. He could take the kids. I would be left friendless… family-less. My reputation that I had worked so long and hard at would be ruined… and I would deserve every bit of it. This would be the end of me.

I told him anyway.

(… to be continued …)

All I ever wanted was to matter.

I wanted to be LOVED by someone…
I wanted to be GREAT at something…
I wanted to be REMEMBERED when I was gone…

And the truth was… I had MADE it.  By the age of 30 I had attained everything I ever set out to acquire.  So why did I feel like such a nobody?

My relationship with God was starting to pick up again.  This was good except He wanted to heal me.  The NERVE, right?  He was starting to reveal root issues I had buried so deeply, I wasn’t even aware they existed.  These were things I wasn’t ready to face.

My life was a swimming pool FULL of trash.  God was helping me bring all of my rubbish to the surface, but it was up to me whether I wanted to use my net to fish it out.  I knew if I were to grab the net, I would have to really look at the trash before I could destroy it once and for all.  It was much easier to just push everything back down and just never swim in the pool.

On the outside, my life still looked fine.  I accepted a new position at Church at Bethany as the Worship Pastor.  Brian and I got pregnant and birthed another healthy little boy, Paxton.  Chance started his first year of preschool.  I was happy… but I should have been ecstatic about my life.  My secrets were eating me alive.  I was missing out on my OWN life and couldn’t recognize it.

You see… my pool wasn’t only for me.  Brian, Chance, Paxton, our family, and all our friends were gathered around it… just waiting for me to give them the “ok” to jump in and play.  And man, did they want to play… it’s always a hot day around here.  But my pool was polluted and not safe for anyone to swim in.

It was time to clean my pool.

I told Brian about my affair, and the following 5 months were beyond painful.  My pool had been stirred and now the waters looked murkier.  I didn’t know if we were going to make it.  By the looks of it, this mess was getting worse.  This was NOT what I had signed up for.

As I was “fishing”, I began to get really angry.  I noticed that though most of the trash was tossed in by ME, a LOT of it was from other people.  However, I had a choice: to place blame and wait for “them” to come clean up their litter, or just take ownership and clean the parts that affected me.  I was mourning some deep, deep issues for the first time.  It hurt… but it was good..

While God was re-surfacing all my trash, and I was obediently fishing each and every item out one-by-one… my friends and loved ones had put a brand new filter in my pool.  I didn’t know it at the time, but the friends and family we had told were intercessing on our behalf.  They were helping me clean my pool without me even asking.

** Thank you, my dear friends.  Even now, as I write this, I sit… tearfully and humbly thankful to each and every one of you.  Thank you. **

My focus was tightly wrapped up in the rubbish I was taking out.  I mourned each and every re-surfaced piece of trash I once treasured.  I was permanently destroying the remnants of my garbage in a huge bonfire… when one day, Brian and I looked in and noticed the most amazing sight.  Not only were the waters clean, but the once cluttered pool bottom was now cleared of ALL debris.  And there stood Jesus, inviting us in with some floaty recliners and margaritas, complete with those cute little drink umbrellas made by underaged and underpaid third world children (you still there? just checkin’ to see if you’re still reading).

Friends… all of us have a pool.  And if we don’t tend to it, it will become polluted and dirty, rendering it completely useless.  I also want to reiterate that I didn’t do this alone.  Christ was there, Brian was there, and friends were there.

This can’t happen overnight.  It’s really grueling work that seems hopeless and never-ending at times.  You don’t have to do it alone… but to get help, you need to be willing to show others how dirty your pool really is.  I, for one, promise to help get you a filter for your pool if you tell me you need one.

I’m not saying my pool will be clean forever.  Occasionally, trash will drift in and the water will get stagnant.  I know Brian and I will need to drain the pool at times in our next 70+ years together and put fresh water in… but it sure is a lot easier to upkeep when we don’t let it build up.

What’s in your pool?
Isn’t it time to go swimming with all your loved ones?

I think so, friends… I think so.

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To read the whole series:
Part One: In My Daddy’s Lap
Part Two: Floater
Part Three:  My Empire

I moved to Portland, Oregon.
I met and married Brian.
I finished college at George Fox University with a 3.96 GPA (Social & Behavioral Sciences).
I was a full-time Worship Pastor for Students.
I oversaw a ministry leadership team of 50+.
I conquered a 3-year battle with “infertility” and had Chance.

I, I, I… me, me, me… I had more than I would ever need.  But it wasn’t enough.  I ALWAYS had to be better… I always wanted more.

To be honest, I never TRULY thought I was “all that”.  In fact, I was certain I was nothing… but I gave everyone around me the appearance that I had “arrived”. If I wasn’t the best… you bet I worked day & night till I was.  If I knew I couldn’t be “better” than you in “that”, I made sure I was better than you in something else.  I thrived on hearing those words, “Jenni is SO good at ______.”  I had EVERYTHING to prove.

… and everything to lose.

To the public, Brian and I were the couple that had it all.  We had the big house, the thriving ministry, the coolest friends, the cutest, most well-behaved baby… blah blah blah.  But what was REALLY happening behind the scenes?  I was a ticking time-bomb.

My worship band was being asked to play extra gigs.  We had two recording projects under our belt.  I was stealing time away from my family to “DO MORE” for Ministry.  This made me feel important… after all, I was doing all this for God, right?  In “doing more”, all I was really doing was becoming less.  I was burning out.

I left Student Ministries.  I was aware enough to know I had lost myself in all of this… but I had NO idea where to start looking for me.

About this same time, we started losing all our “stuff“.  I no longer working.  Brian’s business was no longer flourishing.  We couldn’t keep up with our house payments.  We already lost one of our cars to the “repo-man”, and we were in the process of losing our house.

Brian barely had ANY of my time, and when we DID have a “date night”, I was distracted, to say the least.  Brian and I rarely talked, but when we DID talk, it often ended in a disagreement.  The disagreement would end with me EXPLODING on him.  This made it impossible for Brian to EVER want to pursue or be open with me.

I didn’t see it then, but I had become my Mother.  I made Brian walk on eggshells.  If we’re gonna REALLY be honest, I was just WAITING to see how far I could push Brian till he left me.

He didn’t.

That’s when I did the unthinkable.  I dove head-first into an affair.  The seven-year-old side of me thought I had finally found someone who really loved me and would pursue me.  Finally.  But the 28-year old side of me was ready to demolish my beautiful life… every blessing God had ever given me to show His love for me.  I was about to ruin everything I had ever worked and hoped for because deep down, I didn’t believe I deserved any of it.

I was destroying my Empire with my own two hands…

(to be continued – stay tuned for the LAST of this series)

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Part One:  In My Daddy’s Lap
Part Two:  Floater