I jumped out of bed this morning excited to celebrate him and everything he is to our family. It still amazes me that just 8 years ago, doctors told us that we were an infertile couple. Every time Chance or Paxton has a birthday, I’m reminded of this blessing I will never stop being thankful for.

Pax opened his first present from Auntie Renee this morning:

He LOVES Elmo. He sings the theme song multiple times every day. So this gift was perfect.

Then, this afternoon, we all had lunch and celebrated with cake. Since Paxton is only two, this year was the first year he understood how to blow his candles out. He did a GREAT job.

Of course we had to relight the candles so Chance could blow them out too. That little stinker.

Time flies. I looked at both my sons today and wondered when they got so big so fast. It makes me want to turn back time… just to be in that moment of their babyhood again.

Flashback with me:

November 2008

November 2009

A couple of weeks ago:

Today:

My Darling Paxton…

You are such an amazing little man. You are loving, sweet, funny, determined and absolutely wonderful in every way. You never stop making me laugh. The way your eyes dance while you’re taking in the world makes me want to both protect you from the world, yet at the same time, live through your eyes… just for a moment.

Pax, every bit of you is passionate. The moment you think it, you’re making it happen. Though some of your choices have made Mama nervous, like belly-flopping from the couch to the floor, the one thing I DO know is your passion is what’s going to drive everything about you when you’re grown up. Daddy and my hope is that your passion will be Jesus… because He is all that’s worth being passionate for.

Your laugh is contagious. When you laugh, the whole room joins you. When you cry, the whole room runs to you. Do you have any idea how you capture the hearts of those around you? I’m excited to see how this transfers into adulthood for you.

Mama loves you so much! I’m so, so, so, so, so thankful God put you in our lives and let me be your Mama. And even though I’ll mess up a lot and have to say “I’m sorry” over and over, I promise you I will always TRY harder to be the Mommy you deserve. I will never take that privilege for granted… because you, Paxton, are worth every moment of my heart.

I love you, son…

Mama

I was fortunate enough to have my birthday be celebrated over three days.

Friday: Coffee in the morning with Janet. My annual birthday lunch with Angela & Jilly. Then, I came home to a yummy pot roast dinner made by my amazing hubby, Brian. I usually do the cooking so this was a nice treat. We also took advantage of some ice cream vouchers we had and took the kids to ice cream after dinner.

Jilly made this dessert for us. SOOOOOOO good!

Ang has a birthday clown fetish/tradition. and my face looks huge in this photo. HA!

Ang made this card for me. It makes me laugh every time I see it.

Both Chance’s and Paxton’s faces CRACK ME UP!!!

Saturday: My calendar was mysteriously blocked out for me, telling me I was busy, but not telling what I was busy with. Brian and Mikey had planned for me to be treated to an all afternoon spa day. Mikey and I got massages and mani/pedi’s. Then we went to Todai for all you can eat… and got attacked by a freaky clown.

Sunday: Brian let me sleep in till 11am (which hasn’t happened since high school), then Mikey came over to watch the kids so Brian and I could go out on a date. We got to spend time some face time minus kids. Love my kids… but I need my honey.

And as I look back on how these three days were spent, I realize how very blessed I am.

Friday was filled with long-time friends. The one’s who have shown themselves constant in my inconsistent life. Friends that didn’t give up when I was ready to. Friends that didn’t abandon me when I deserved loneliness. Friends that remind me that I HAVE friends even when I feel completely alone.

Saturday was spent with my Mikey, who is undoubtedly my bestie, though I’ve known her for only a year. Not many find THAT friend you know you can trust your life with in EVERYTHING. It’s weird how she almost always knows what I’m thinking before I even say it and vice versa. She’s proof that girlfriends aren’t just a “good thing” but a VITAL need. Saturday was spent in my “new”… celebrating who I am today after ALL the changes. I like who I am now.

And finally Sunday was spent with the one person I can’t wait to live the next 32 + 32 years with… but I would also willingly die for in a second. Sunday was a large chunk (did I just call Brian a large chunk?) of what I live for.

In three short days, I saw my past, present and future… and I was yet reminded again that God has never failed me, and never will. It’s moments like this that sustain me for the moments I forget.

I’m thankful for 32. SO thankful.

Today is your 35th birthday.

As I sit here and think through our last year together, I am again humbled that I still get to be your wife.  In the past year, you have found me to be a liar, a coward, an adulteress and a completely broken human being… yet, when even I couldn’t choose myself… you chose me.

Thank you for forgiving me for something unforgivable
Thank you for not throwing my mistakes in my face
Thank you for extending grace when I performed a graceless act
Thank you for loving me when no one else did
Thank you for defending me when I wasn’t worth defending
Thank you for showing me unconditional love when I was so conditional
Thank you for being an AMAZING father to our boys through all of it
Thank you for still choosing me… everyday.

Thank you, baby.

For your birthday… I want nothing more than to take back every mistake I’ve ever made in our marriage. I wish I could remove all the hurt and all the mixed up, messed up memories from the last 3 years…

… but I can’t change the past.

However, I CAN live for today and tomorrow.  So… for your birthday…

I’m choosing YOU
I’m loving YOU with every breath in my body
I’m choosing OUR children
I’m praying for YOU
I’m investing in my own physical, mental, emotional & spiritual health
I’m making our house OUR home
I’m giving YOU my firsts… not my scraps

For your 35th birthday, I am planning our future together.  A future that leaves my past behind… because it’s only *OUR FUTURE* that matters now.  I’m excited for what this year will bring for you… for me… for US.  I’m looking forward to many more birthdays and anniversaries… but today… I’m just thankful for YOU.

… and I’m pretty sure I always will be.

Happy 35th Birthday, Brian.  May this be your best year ever!

I love you… more than stupid words could ever express.  I love you.

We (Cathi, Mark, Lynse, Kristen, Brent, Brian & I) planned this out a month for this… and this is what happened:

To view Brent’s view of the whole thing, click on this link:  Tam’s Surprise

We love you, Tam!  I’m so glad you were born 39 years ago… and so blessed to call you friend.

His first year of life has flown by, but it’s as if he’s ALWAYS been a part of our lives.

Pax has got 6 visible teeth right now — 4 on top and 2 on the bottom.  He’s walking EVERYWHERE and can get up the stairs in less than 5 seconds.  His talking sounds like gurgling and babbling ALWAYS brings a smile to Brian and my face.

He’s gonna be a big blogger, obviously!

Paxton Joel,

YOU are cherished.  You help me look outside myself.  You give Mommy hope that I can be a better person… for you, for Chance, for Daddy AND for myself.  Your smile melts my heart.  Your cry breaks me into a million pieces.  All I want to do is make your world right for you.  And I know I don’t have that kind of control, so I just hold you… and drink in your presence.

“Pax” means “peace” and you have brought JUST that into our lives. You have no idea the kind of restoration you’ve brought into Mommy & Daddy’s life just by existing.  I thank God EVERY DAY for letting me be a part of your life.  There is NOTHING you could ever do to make me stop loving you.  NOTHING!!!  And when I forget to tell you I’m proud of you, or that I love you… I hope you’ll know by my actions that you mean the world to me.

Happy first Birthday, sweet Paxton… my darling peacemaker.  You came just in time.

Love Forever and a Day,
Mommy

When I was little, I thought 31 was old… like REALLY old.

I thought that by 31 I would DEFINITELY have it all together.

Well… here I am.  Too old to be in love with Zac Efron and too young to get a face-lift.

And seeing that I only have one living grandparent left, I think I can safely guess that genetics would say my life is already half over.

But you know what?

… Thirty-ONE is a great number.

It took me 30 years to get to the point of complete honesty with myself.
It took 30 years to fall completely broken on my face.
It took 30 years to realize the walls I had built around me were suffocating me.
It took 30 years to finally set up appropriate boundaries of protection.
It took 30 years to experience what grace really is.
It took 30 years to see that love was real… even for me.

Today is my thirty-FIRST birthday.

My first year to fall in love everyday with my husband.
My first year to love those around me UNCONDITIONALLY.
My first year to extend the grace of God that is for EVERYONE.
My first year living with no hidden secrets.
My first year being 100% available to my children.
My first year being whole.

It’s my FIRST year.  My life is only beginning.

God is in the business of restoring lives.  This is the first year I’ll fully experience it.

Guess what???

Today’s the first day of the rest of YOUR life too!!!

Happy Birthday to YOU!