My hero in all of this (other than Jesus) is my amazing husband, Brian.

I don’t even have words to express how grateful and blessed I feel to have him in my life. Brian’s an amazing father… and an even more amazing husband now that we’ve worked through (and will continue to work through) one of the roughest patches I believe we’ll ever need to work through.

He’s grown into an amazingly bold spiritual leader. Not only for our family, but for the community in which we are a part of. I believe every morning he sets his foot on the ground, satan utters expletives. I’m ok with that… because he should. Brian is a force to be reckoned with. Not because he’s a super public speaker or because he’s a blogger (in fact, he neglects his blogs… often), but because he listens, obeys and SPEAKS God’s words without falter or apologies.

He is a MAN among men. He is MY man!

In this post, Brian speaks directly to the hurt party. He speaks well… and I believe there is no better speaker on this matter.

Listen up, soak it in, chime in…

Brian’s Blog: www.brianclayville.com
Brian’s Twitter: @brianclayville

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When you have been wronged, how do you forgive?
Do you have to forgive?
Is it just something you say or is there real action behind it?
How do you know when it is real?

I won’t pretend to be an expert in this matter, but I WILL share my own experience in my processing these questions.

When Jenni told me about her affair I almost instantly wanted to say “I forgive you”.  There are a few reasons I wanted to jump to forgiveness right away without even processing what I had just learned.

1.     I am a non-confrontational person by nature.
2.     It would be a lot less painful in the short term to bury this and move on.
3.     I could go on being “the nice guy” and get accolades from my Christian homeys.
4.     It would keep my family together so my kids would have both parents in one home.

However, I intentionally chose NOT to say the words, “I forgive you” too hastily even though I was tempted to.

Deep down I knew it was a lie if I just said it without grieving my loss and processing my pain.  I knew that God had work to do in me, in Jenni and especially in our marriage.  There was no way for me to know what would happen during this process of unpacking the destruction of our marriage.  I chose to take it one day at a time and trust God to help me make right decisions along the way.

In all honesty, I did NOT make all the right decisions along the way, but I DID make some vital decision correctly.

I’ve never been one to hold grudges.   As I think back on my life, I’ve never found myself to be offended by anyone in a deep way.  It has always been easy for me to forgive people.   It was easy for me to say, “forgiveness is required of Christians because of the forgiveness we’ve received from Jesus”.   But, now I was in a real world situation where I had really been hurt.  I had the opportunity to practice my belief.

What should I do?

Let’s back up for a minute.

I learned of Jenni’s affair around the end of April in 2009.  We began counseling in May and worked hard for the next three months.  Our goals were to figure out:

* if we could stay married
* why we ended up in such a messy situation
* what we needed to do to prevent anything like this ever happening to us again.

After three months of roller coaster emotions, good conversations and arguing, connecting and mourning.  We discovered a lot of good but I was getting really raw emotionally.  Exhausted.  I began to withdraw.  I began to feel sorry for myself and do everything I could to numb the pain.  After a month or so of hiding emotionally, I connected with my friend, Chad Markley.  He challenged me. I responded.  Over the next couple months, Jen and my greatest progress was made.

One day, in August of 2009, during my quiet time with God… He spoke to me about forgiveness.  He made it clear that He had forgiven me for so much and that He would continue to forgive me for future mistakes.  I desired to be free of bitterness toward Jenni and to not let our past have any power over me.  It became clear to me that forgiveness meant no strings, no reminders, no bitterness, and no grudge.

Forgiveness = Freedom!

I made a decision at that moment.  I drove straight home and told Jenni what I had done.  It was exhilarating and freeing.  By far the best decision I have ever made in my married life.  But the story doesn’t end here.

With this new found freedom in forgiveness through the power of Christ.  I knew I had no authority to ever bring up the affair in a fight to gain emotional power over Jenni.  I did not get to make excuses for my behavior because of her past mistake.  I had chosen to leave this behind forever as if it never happened.  Not to pretend it never happened but to love Jenni and treat her as if it never happened.

Satan has tried to dig it up old feelings and get me worked up at times, but  I have been able to turn these thoughts toward Him, the higher power, and ask Him to give me the strength to honor my decision to forgive and move forward.  The actual affair has no emotional power over me.  I hold no bitterness towards Jenni. I made the decision, but God has DEFINITELY walked with me through all of this… because I asked Him to.

Who do you need to forgive and will you choose freedom?