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Tag Archive - brokenness

Brokenness…

June 8, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Guest Bloggers, Life Experience, Marriage, Ministry with 0 Comments

Today, I’m guest posting over at Leading and Loving It for ‘After the Wedding Wednesday.

In April of 2009, I finally told Brian about my affair. The affair had lasted two years, but I let it steal three from my family and me by hiding it and not revealing it in all its ugliness.

You see, secrets were something I kept well. I had a lot of secrets, so I thought, “why not just add this one to the list?” I never told ANYONE. I was never caught. But as I tried to keep this one hidden, it felt as if my soul was tearing away from me. The affair was no longer taking me away from my marriage and family, but now, I was stealing ME from myself. Worst of all, it was claiming everything I ever had with Jesus.

In my secrets, I was holding back any and every blessing I could have been or given to my kids and husband. I thought I was self-preserving… but in reality, I was self-mutilating my heart. I was failing at everything. In my quest to prevent complete brokenness, I soon found myself failing even that.

Brokenness ensued… and I embraced it…

To read more, CLICK HERE.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Tilted Halos

November 5, 2009 in Books, Faith with 8 Comments

Our LifeGroup Online is reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning.

This book is kicking me in the behind (in a really amazingly AWESOME “push-me-towards-God’s-embrace” kind of way)… and revealing a lot of truth that I’ve been suppressing in my own life.

I thought I’d share something I read this past week from the “Tilted Halos” chapter:

“Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him — as nothing else can — and opens us anew to the flow of grace. While Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot achieve it on our own. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken isto stand in need of grace. It is only through grace that any of us could dare to hope that we could become more like Christ.

The saved sinner with the tilted halo has been converted from mistrust to trust, has arrived at an inner poverty of spirit, and lives as best he or she can in rigorous honesty with self, others and God.

The question which the gospel of grace puts to us is simply this:

Who shall separate you from the love of Christ? Who are you afraid of?”

Great question posed here.
Thoughts?

Our Story (Part Four)

October 16, 2009 in Adultery, Faith, Family, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Ministry, Personal Entries with 25 Comments

We shared our story with our church.

Our church wept with us. Our church celebrated our choice to fight the odds. We were prayed over, accepted, embraced and supported. We partially expected judgement, but instead, we received grace.

Brian and I were blown away by the amazing response.

We’ve experienced a death. A death in our old marriage. Our counselor wisely said, “I know you guys aren’t looking at divorce as an option, but a divorce MUST happen. You must divorce your old marriage and start new.” We still have bad days… this isn’t magic, but I can honestly say that we have WAY more good days than we ever had… even before the affair.

You may be wondering why I decided to “come out” with my secret. After all… no one would have ever known. You’re right. But God knew… and I knew. Not only was I NOT immune to an affair, but I was VERY capable of one. I really had to destroy any and ALL chances of this ever happening again. This was how. God’s desire for us is to live in truth… in the light. Nothing that lives in darkness can survive.

“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” ~Matthew 23:27

I was destroying myself with my secret. It was time to clean the tomb out. Besides, I didn’t need a tomb because Christ offers LIFE that’s eternal.

I’d like to say that this story has a fairy tale ending… a “Happily Ever After.” However, it’s more like a “Once upon a time…”

Even though there is still hurt and pain swirling around us, we knew it was time to break the lineage to generational sin. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me in revealing my ugly truth, but I knew I needed to FINALLY obey God, no matter the cost to me.

I can actually SEE God blessing our family because of our obedience. Brian and I are closer than we’ve ever been… EVER. We’ve been married since 2001. I’m not saying life is perfect or that we don’t fall into some of our old patterns, but OVERALL, I have never experienced life, love or joy like this.

It’s going to continually be up and down for us… but I KNOW I’m truly, honestly living an authentic life with no secrets holding me down.

God is healing Brian.
God is redeeming me.
God is restoring us to something greater than it ever was before.

Besides experiencing a REAL marriage and life with Brian, the best of all this is how deeply I’ve found myself falling for Jesus. I’ll be honest… I don’t always invite him into every part of my day. I sometimes feel like I need to protect JESUS from my dysfunction – as if Jesus needs to be protected from anything, but the good thing is I’m inviting him in more and more… and he is cleaning house!

In all of this, I no longer question if I married the “right” man. I now know, the “deep” feelings I had for that other man, though it felt VERY real at the time, was really just my projected need to be loved and desired. Brian has stepped up and become that. Or… maybe he’s been that the whole time, but I just didn’t let him in.

Brian KNOWS my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
Brian finishes my sentences.
Brian knows my thoughts just by looking at me.
Brian pursues me.
But GOD gives me confidence in all of this. Confidence in Brian.

We are very much still in the healing process and we have only made it to this point by the grace of God and the constant, unrelenting prayers of our friends and family.

“But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the doors of the jail and brought them out. “Go, stand in the temple courts,” he said, “and tell the people the full message of this new life.”

~ Acts 5:19-21

We’re hoping that by us sharing our story WHILE we’re in the midst of healing, that you can see the hope that is Christ Jesus. We hope you can see redemption is real and very possible for all of us no matter how ugly the sin looks. Our desire is you will stop hiding…

… it’s time to share YOUR STORY.

Believe it or not… you’re not alone.
You’re FAR from being alone.

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To read OUR STORY from beginning to end:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

Our Story (Part Three)

October 15, 2009 in Adultery, Family, Guest Bloggers, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage with 5 Comments

Guest posted by: Brian Clayville

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The very thought of this was overwhelmingly humiliating for both of us. Jenni had just conquered several years worth of fear by telling me her most painful secret and now a week later, I was asking her to expose this ugliness to all those closest to us. She shut down in fear…

… but not for long.

Within 24 hours, Jenni did as I asked. Our pastor and his wife were at our house the next night. Jenni shared her story boldly, even though she knew she could lose her job as the Worship Pastor at the church. This was a big deal because we really needed this income. Our fear was quickly quieted and Jenni’s willingness to be honest was embraced. Matt and Cindy were gracious, forgiving and supportive. Not only did they choose to keep Jenni on staff, but they really helped us in many ways through our healing process. I can’t say many people in church leadership are like this.

Over the next few days, Jenni called our closest friends… the ones she had lied to and confessed her story. One of her first calls was to the wife of the man she had the affair with. That’s a whole different story, but I can tell you that she forgave Jenni and they are actively working through an amazing restoration in their friendship. The reaction from the rest of our friends and family were varied but most were very forgiving and full of grace. I was and still am so proud of her for being willing to risk so much and to be so vulnerable.

The months following didn’t get any easier. I guess you can say I was going through the grieving process. I pulled back from life. Several times, I wanted to give up on our marriage and just escape the pain. Maybe a handful of people checked in on me or called to encourage me… but this was rare. I’m not saying this is their fault, but the reality is people didn’t know what to do or what to say, so they just did nothing. Jenni and I had counseling but that was only an hour every week.

I felt abandoned.

The worst part was how distant I felt from God. I withdrew from Him just as I did from most people in my life. He felt so distant and irrelevant to me that I could not bring myself to pray or seek him with any consistency.

Finally, in mid-August, I knew it was time to stop focusing on my pain. It was MY turn to heal. It was time to come out of this desert. I asked God to use my horrible reality for his Glory. It was not clear to me what that meant or how I would do it, but I MADE that decision.

Jenni arranged a last minute trip to my parents’ house in La Grande. We spent a lot of time praying, being quiet and just BEING together. I found God again… right where I had left him. This weekend away became an instrumental time for our marriage. We were healing. Not just the pretend-stuff-it-under-the-rug “healing”… but we were falling in love again. Me and God… and me and Jenni.

We came home with a new hope, a new goal and a new future. We were like newlyweds. Everything was actually good, which was amazing because there was a time when I truly wondered if anything would ever be “good” again. My marriage was… no… is GREAT!

This was when God decided to do as I had asked – use my horrible reality for His Glory. In my quiet time with God, He spoke:

“It’s time for you to share your story…”

“WHAT??? Jen will NEVER go with this! She had a hard enough time telling those closest to us!” I argued back. But God was going before us in a way I had never imagined.

Jenni came home from her staff meeting that day and said, “Matt (our pastor) wants us to share our story at church… and I think it’s time.”

We knew this was God ordained. We knew it was time to finally obey God completely with our marriage. We were scared spitless. EVERYONE was going to know. EVERYONE was going to judge us… judge Jenni…

… but it was time.

(… to be continued …)

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Read Our Story in order here:

Part One
Part Two

Our Story (Part Two)

October 14, 2009 in Adultery, Family, Guest Bloggers, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 9 Comments

Brian, my better half, is going to “guest-blog” and write the next two parts of our story:

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When Jenni broke the news to me, I was devastated to say the least.

I went and stayed with my friend, Todd, who had recently been through some hard times of his own. For the next few days, Todd gave me a safe place to talk, pray and have a quiet place to rest.

He listened to my story.
He comforted me.
He gave me space to process.

In my own reflection, I felt like such a small man. I had been too weak to confront issues that had obviously been inappropriate. Why had I not set stronger boundaries… been more protective and jealous? How could I have not seen this happening with my wife? After all… this was MY WIFE.

The next few weeks were an emotional roller coaster. There were days, I totally blamed Jenni and the other man (who was my friend). ”How could they have done this to me?” Those days, I just wanted a divorce because I thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore. However, there were also days where I just celebrated the fact that Jenni had finally been truthful with me. Though the news was devastating, she ultimately chose to honor me… risking everything by telling me about her affair.

I realized that I had come very close to losing the love of my life.

You see, Jenni grew up in an emotionally abusive home and had a lot of emotional scars that needed to heal. This didn’t stop at childhood. I have actually witnessed this during the time of our marriage. My wife had been walking on eggshells for 30 years. This caused her to build walls around herself for protection. She was ready for conflict at all times… even if she didn’t need to be. She NEVER felt safe, protected, or truly loved unconditionally. I didn’t know how to provide all she needed. Nor was I capable at that time.

Todd challenged me to stay by her and love her through the process. He reminded me that my boys needed a father AND mother working together to be Godly role models. That’s when I finally made the decision:

I wanted to make our marriage work.

The work of processing through where I had failed in our marriage looked me straight in the eyes. What I saw in myself was revealing and uncomfortable.

I rarely ever pursued Jenni.
I avoided anything that felt like conflict with her.
I never attempted heart felt communication with her.
I was not jealous enough as a husband and best friend to seek her full attention.

By not saying anything, I told Jenni she didn’t matter enough to me for me to fight for her. I didn’t protect her OR cherish her. Though she was the one who chose to splinter from our marriage vows, I knew I too was responsible for the breakdown of our marriage.

But the more I thought about this three year secret that had just surfaced, the more I realized I wasn’t the only person Jenni had hidden this part of her life from. For lack of better words, Jenni had lied to many of our close friends and family too. I asked her if she would go and tell them the truth.

She flipped out…

(… to be continued …)

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Our Story – Part One

SWAP: “Rubber Meets the Road”

September 30, 2009 in Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers with 7 Comments

Lynse Stevens is a sweet precious friend of mine.

Here’s a woman who has not only faced every blow life has had to give her head on and said, “You will not decide who I will become!” but she’s turned all of that energy towards flipping all the negative to show God’s amazing grace and love for us. She challenges all who have ever been “damaged” to step up and say, “I don’t have to stay damaged!”

We did a blog swap today so my writing is over there. Make sure you stop by!

You can check out more of her writing on her blog site at www.lynseleanne.com

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Have you ever felt broken?

not like the Godly broken….but like the nitty gritty broken. like you just dont work right. like there is something horribly wrong with you?

i have been spending some time feeling that way lately. i cant really pin point down where or why all of a sudden i feel this way. but it is an overwhelming sense that i am broken.

….but maybe that is a good place to be.

all of my life i have had it together. even through physical and sexual abuse, drug addictions, parents divorce…i have had it in control and i knew it.

but right now in this season i dont have it together…i cant seem to get it together. and because i am a control freak i feel like something is wrong…that i am broken.

but as i spend time in my journal and spend time in the Word i am seeing that this may be a good place to be. It may be rock bottom for me.

weekly facing my demons in counseling…and it hurts.

out of money….and daddy cant help this time.

without a job…and scared out of my mind cause 5 years of my life was wrapped up in the current one.

and i can not fix any of it….not one single bit of it.

only God can. and that scares me even more….because, frankly i have played a game. I have played Christian because it was my job, cause i knew it was “right”, cause i live in the south and thats what everyone does….but now the rubber meets the road….

do i believe that God can take this mess that I have made of my life and put it back together?