Prodigal Son – Part Three
Today was a great day.
I got to lead worship with my sister, Helen, today at Church at Bethany. I haven’t gotten to see her in 2 years and have really looked forward to her weeklong visit for quite some time now.
Our Sunday Setlist:
- God With Us – Bart Millard
- All We Need – Charlie Hall
- Indescribable – Laura Story
- Heart of Worship – Matt Redman
- My All In All – Nichole Nordeman Version
- We Will Worship You – Carlos Whittaker
- From The Inside Out – Joel Houston
Today’s set was pretty fun not only having Helen with me, but also having Charlotte on keys and Mark on drums. It was a good matching set to go with the sermon today.
Matt continued our series “Finding Our Way Back To God” and we finished Part Two of Jessica’s Story. Please watch the second part of Jessica’s story below:
So… question:
When will it be YOUR turn to come home?
FORGIVENESS
for·give [fer-giv]
–verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
–verb (used without object)
6. to pardon an offense or an offender.
We Christ followers talk about forgiveness a lot. We tell each other we NEED to do it or it will just eat us up inside. We hear stories of other people forgiving other people and blessings pouring in because of it. But when it comes to OUR lives and what it means to forgive, that’s when the word “forgive” becomes an impossible action.
When I did the unforgivable, Brian graciously forgave me. Not immediately… but after he processed what it really meant to forgive… he CHOSE to. He didn’t HAVE to… but he CHOSE to. Many people forgave me. Brian’s family, my sisters, my Dad, our friends. They CHOSE grace over judgment on me.
All except one.
My mother hasn’t forgiven me. I doubt she ever will.
I’ve caused her great embarrassment. Children are an extension of the parent and I am one seriously tangled mess of an extension cord. I’m no longer a viable showpiece because I’ve revealed the “wizard of oz” behind the curtain… and the reality is I’m nothing great. I’ve failed her. And that’s all I know because she hasn’t spoken to me since August 2009.
But here’s where I’m gonna get real with you. I’m gonna show my ugly and I’ll be honest… I’m a little scared right now. But, I’m gonna do it anyway (please be gentle).
I have NO right to ask for her forgiveness. I don’t have ANY place to receive it even if it was offered…
… because I haven’t forgiven her either.
Most of my counseling time is spent working through my childhood and how that’s manifested it’s way into my adulthood, relationship with Brian, and relationship with my children. 75% of my therapy time is spent digging up painful memories of how my mother treated me, looking at it, mourning it, and letting it go.
I’m not blaming my mother OR my past for my adult actions. However, how can you really change if you’ve never gone back to look at the problem face-to-face? I’ve NEVER grieved anything or allowed myself to FEEL. And I don’t want to live the rest of my life like that.
In Matthew 26:28, Jesus says:
“This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.”
So… here’s the hard part. Forgiveness isn’t just for me. Forgiveness isn’t just for those who forgive me. Forgiveness is for EVERYONE who chooses Him. Forgiveness is for those who haven’t or will not forgive me. Not forgiving my mother is like drinking poison and waiting for HER to die. So, I need to forgive…
… every disapproving look, sneer, grunt, glare.
… every time I was called ugly, fat, stupid, “the devil”.
… every slap in the face & body-slam into the walls.
… every weeklong silent treatment.
… EVERY wrong ever committed against the childhood me.
… not because I “have” to… but because I’ve been FORGIVEN by the Greatest. And so has she.
So, why do I still have the bottle of poison at my lips?
Prodigal Son – Part Two
Our Sunday Setlist was:
- Glory to God – Steve Fee & Vicky Beeching
- O Worship The King – Chris Tomlin Version
- King of Glory – Chris Tomlin
- Hallelujah – Tenth Avenue North (Response)
- We Will Worship You – Carlos Whittaker, Jason Ingram & Mia Fieldes
- Mighty To Save – Reuben Morgan
Despite one new song (Carlos’) and another “newer” song, it felt as though people were really singing out, worshiping together and praising the One who made this all to be. I was also extremely pleased with how the music pieces fit in well with the sermon.
Today, at Church at Bethany, we continued Part Two of our series, “Finding Your Way Back To God” (CLICK HERE for last weeks’ story). Matt’s talk today was titled, “This Isn’t What I Want” and it featured my good friend, Mikey, who finally got to share her story with our church.
Mikey has always been the “good girl” so when her life started to unravel, to her own doing, she was unequipped to handle it.
She ran.
She hid.
She ignored it.
Then… she found her place of safety. Watch the first part of her story below:
Mikey is in a COMPLETELY different place in her life now. Her realization that she DIDN’T have to live a life she didn’t want overruled the lies that told her that she was doomed to the consequences of her choices. Truth spoke loud and clear. She lives not only with integrity and strong conviction now, but she lives in search of REAL LIFE accountability. She repented of her mistakes, turned 180* from them and willingly chose to start over… which is more difficult to do than to just SAY to do.
I’m SO proud of her for sharing her story so boldly. I know it was one of the scariest things she’s ever done… but she did it anyway, in hopes that she can help even ONE person find their way back to God.
So how about you?
What in YOUR life do you NOT WANT?
And when are YOU gonna start over?
Prodigal Son – Part One
Matt wrote about the series we’re going through this next month.
As most of you know… I, too, am one who’s found my way back to God… and am constantly finding my way back to God.
Everyone is looking for something… we ALL want to find that “something”. And if you say you’re not, well… you’re either extremely unaware of yourself or just flat out lying.
We’re hosting 3 different stories from people at our church in this next series.
This first video is of Jessica… a woman (and now friend) I had been praying for LONG before I ever saw her face, met her in person, or embraced her.
Words
As a small child, I remember my WORDS were my source of survival.
It didn’t matter if I told the truth or not… if my mother came home in a bad mood, and the surroundings weren’t exactly to her liking, you’d have to brace yourself. Most of the time, we braced ourselves emotionally… because my mother’s WORDS were her ammunition of choice, shooting at us fast and for long periods of time (I think my longest “lecture” of being told I was a waste of space lasted 5 hours on a Saturday). But if we weren’t careful with the WORDS we exchanged with her, we would also have to brace ourselves physically.
By the age of 10, I had not only learned to angle my body “just right” to protect more and hurt less from a “spanking”… but I had also carefully crafted my speech (and sometimes lack of) to manipulate situations with my mother so that I could avoid being shot at with her WORDS. And when I was “shot at”, I learned to angle my heart “just right” so I could protect more and hurt less.
When you grow up this way, you learn one of two things:
1. WORDS mean EVERYTHING and you live life CARING too much what people say.
… or …
2. WORDS mean NOTHING and you live life not BELIEVING what people say.
I am the second.
My LifeGroup Online is reading through the Bible right now and something that really struck me is how much WORDS meant in Old Testament time. Your WORD was your WORD. There was no need for a signed contract or need to doubt that someone might be lying because if they spoke it… it WAS. Their WORDS were blessings or they were curses. But what they said was final.
In Bible times, nations rose through the blessings of a father. I can no longer guard my heart from WORDS that curse… because in doing so, I’m causing more damage. By not allowing WORDS to bless me, I’m stunting my potential growth. I also cannot continue to allow my WORDS to be protective shield. By not allowing my WORDS to bless others, I’m prohibiting God from using me as He created me.
My WORDS are no longer my source of survival. They’re much more than that… I need to be intentional about my WORDS to my husband, to my children, to my family and to my friends.
My WORDS must bless… not curse.
My WORDS must encourage… not tear down.
My WORDS must instill truth… not stir-up lies.
Worship Confessional – 02.14.10
Today is Valentine’s Day.
If you’ve followed me for the last few years, you know how little I’ve cared for this fake holiday most of my life… but I have to say, this year I feel different. I finally am beginning to understand what LOVE really means and unconditional love feels like. It’s been a journey. One I plan on trekking the rest of my life.
Of course Valentine’s Day landed on a Sunday this year. Why not, right?
Today’s worship service was about OUR impact in the world. Our Sunday Setlist:
- God With Us – Bart Millard
- God of Wonders – Marc Byrd & Steve Hindalong
- How Great Is Our God – Chris Tomlin
- Our Great God – Mac Powell & Fernando Ortega
- Sweetly Broken – Jeremy Riddle
- Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) – Chris Tomlin
Matt talked about Matthew 26 most of the time. He even played Brian and my Proposal Video to make a point about love. He ended the sermon with the parable of the talents. As he was reading these verses, he handed out envelopes with different amounts of Church! at Bethany’s money to each and EVERY adult attender present. Matt put feet to his message. He challenged us to double, triple, quadruple what he gave us within seven weeks… by EASTER.
I’ll write more about that in a post later this week because I LOVE this concept and want to put more time into what I have to say about it.
Highs: Today’s service felt full and purposeful. There’s nothing worse than “just another Sunday” and today DEFINITELY didn’t feel like that. The music portion went well… mostly because it felt like everyone was really participating and worshiping God together. Everything felt much more connected this week… and that’s always a plus. The best part was getting to talk to so many different and new attenders after the service. It’s all about connection and sometimes I miss out on that because I’m so busy tearing down.
Lows: Aside from thinking about my sweet friend, Alli, all morning, I’m just feeling a little off… tired really. My monitor kept cutting in and out so I just unplugged it after the first song. It’s about time we unpack the trailer and do a full inventory of our gear. It’s probably also time to either repair or dispose of some of our broken equipment. Just thinking about that makes me tired too.
Now… to you. TWO QUESTIONS:
1. How was YOUR Sunday (link if you must)?
2. What do YOU think of Valentine’s Day?
Worship Confessional – 02.07.10
It’s been awhile.
I’m not sure why, but I haven’t been in the “mood” to write Worship Confessionals for the last month. Things have been going well… but I’ve just been really focusing in on my family after church on Sundays and Mondays. Then… like most things… I just forget.
Well… I’m refocused now. So, here goes:
Today went well.
Matt spoke on Impacting our Community and really pushed for small group involvement. It’s great that we go to to church and even participate in serving on Sunday mornings… but church (in the New Testament) was about community… and that happens when connection happens on a “smaller” level.
I think Matt was worried about offending people, and maybe he did… I hope not… but my take is that it’s always our job to speak God’s truth and the receivers job on how they let it affect them.
I hope more people get involved with small groups and grow in their relationship with Christ because of it.
Our Sunday Setlist:
- King of Glory – Chris Tomlin
- Desert Song – Brooke Fraser
- All Creatures of Our God and King – St. Francis of Assisi
- Take Me To The Cross – Dave Lubben
- From The Inside Out – Joel Houston
- Glory To God Forever – Steve Fee & Vicky Beeching
Highs:
We were set up and ready to go 30 minutes before church started. That’s always a plus to not feel rushed going INTO service. Matt also asked one of the prayer warriors of our church to step it up and lead us in prayer EVERY Sunday morning. This sounds bad, but because we’re a mobile church, sometimes, we skip the team prayer because we are LITERALLY setting up and sound-checking UP TO the minute people start walking in. Prayer becomes an afterthought. This is why Matt put Brian B. in charge of prayer. We’ll be more consistent in something we believe is VITAL to the health and purpose of our services.
During the service, it was obvious many were participating through singing and worshiping. This is my favorite part of being a part of a church. Corporate worship. Listening to everyone lift up their voices in declaration of who God is. THIS… is something I will NEVER grow tired of.
Lows:
I don’t feel as if I chose the best response song (#4 – Take Me To The Cross”) post sermon. Usually the connection between the sermon and the song tie in a lot better. I’m not saying that it didn’t connect at all because it did, but I think a better response song would have been Remedy by David Crowder. Also, I felt distracted this morning. Not by anything in particular… just didn’t feel 100%.
Overall… I felt today went pretty well though.
Here are some questions I have for you:
Ready? GO!
Invite Me
I’m sitting here watching my 4-year-old.
He grabs a little cup from one of the bottom cabinets (we put all the kids dishes where they can reach them so they can help themselves), scurries over to the fridge, fills his cup with water and drinks from it. Then he grabs a couple apple slices I’ve cut for them and runs over to his 1-year-old little brother.
“Here Paxton… want an apple?”
As they both snack, they sit side-by-side and Chance “reads” to Paxton. Then… out of nowhere… Chance says:
“Hey Mom… you wanna come and read with us?”
ABSOLUTELY!!!
I could have easily done all that water-fetching and snack-handling for Chance and Paxton… but there was so much more pride when I saw he was self-sufficiently taking care of his own needs, sharing with his brother, playing quietly… and then he invited ME to come and play with him.
I love walking alongside my kids.
I love listening to the silliest rambling and chatter their little minds offer.
I love to watch them grow.
I love holding them close and cuddling in.
I love experiencing every milestone with them.
I even love their temper tantrums because it reveals passion.
I love being WITH them.
That’s when it hit me: This is what God wants from ME!
God loves to see me taking care of myself… taking care of others… living out my purpose. He’s always present, just like I’m present with my kids… but to be invited into the simplest, daily activities of our lives?
God loves walking alongside me.
God loves listening to the silliest rambling and chatter of my mind.
God loves to watch me grow… especially if I take a lesson in with it.
God loves holding me close… in joy or in my tears.
God loves when I experience my milestones THROUGH Him.
God even loves my passionate outbursts because I’m using the feelings He gave me.
God loves being with me.
Things For Restoration
As most of you know, Justin & Trish are good friends of ours. They played a HUGE part in the restoration of Brian and my marriage after my affair.
Today… Justin wrote an amazing post about the steps you NEED to take if you truly want restoration in your marriage and in your life.
- Totally surrender and repent before God
- Cut all ties with the person whom you have had the affair
- Submit every minute of your life to a trusted friend
- Get to a Christian counselor that specializes in marriage restoration
- Come clean early and often as you try to rebuild trust
- Be willing to do whatever it takes to restore your marriage
I posted his points here but you REALLY need to read everything in between for the full picture. CLICK HERE to read all of it.
With that said… I’d just like to add this:
It’s about MORE than just your marriage (and if you’re not married… your FUTURE marriage)… it’s about your relationship with GOD. When I was choosing my affair, I was not only giving my husband and family my sloppy seconds… but giving God even less. That’s not His desire for us.
God desires for us to be completely united with Him first and foremost.
He wants to bless us with the most amazing gifts.
He wants to break our hearts with the things that break His.
He wants us to see compassion through His eyes.
He wants us to feel community the way He does with Jesus and the Spirit.
He wants us to experience life the way He intended us to… without barriers.
When we choose something/someone else before Him… we don’t get to live within our true potential or purpose. We lose ourselves… and THAT… is devastating.
Go… Read… Soak it in…
… CHANGE.
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Update: For Trisha’s response… CLICK HERE!
Worship Confessional – 12.20.09
I had the privilege of helping lead worship at Table Rock Fellowship (TRF) yesterday with Brent and Tammy Hodge.
Our SUNDAY SETLIST was:
- Joy To The World – Third Day
- Comfort & Joy – LifeChurch Version
- O Come, O Come, Emmanuel – LifeChurch Version
- God With Us – MercyMe
- Carol Medley (Away In A Manger, O Little Town, Silent Night)
- The First Noel – Ali Matthews Version
- Emmanuel (Hallowed Manger Ground) – Chris Tomlin
I LOVED this set! It was so fun to play and sing with such a seriously talented band.
Our worship band: Brent was on keys and lead vocals. Tam was on vocals. Jim Durham was on electric 1. Jim’s 13 year-old daughter, Missy, was on bass. Al Dinardi was on electric guitar 2. Sandy Ficca was our rockout drummer… and I was on acoustic guitar and vocals.
Brent ended up recording the fourth/last service, which in all honesty, was our weakest service. I think by then, we were all just pretty tired and our voices had HAD it. Whichever way… I’ll still post a couple of recordings for y’all.
My favorite song this weekend was our second song, Comfort and Joy (click on the link to hear our live recording) which is LifeChurch’s rocked out version of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”. It made me want to dance.
Then… they let me sing Ali Matthews version of The First Noel (click on the link to hear) for communion.
I really love Christmas carols.
What’s your FAVORITE Christmas carol?
Uncontainable Love
My favorite paragraphs from this weeks read in The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning.
And God answers “That’s what you don’t know. You don’t know how much I love you. The moment you think you understand is the moment you do not understand. I am God not man. You tell others about Me — that I am a loving God. Your words are glib. My words are written in the blood of My only Son. The next time you preach about My love with such obnoxious familiarity, I may come and blow your whole prayer meeting apart. When you come at Me with studied professionalism, I will expose you as a rank amateur. When you try to convince others that you understand what you are talking about, I will tell you to shut up and fall flat on your face. You claim you know I love you.”
“Are you aware that I had to raise Jesus from the dead on Easter morning because My love is everlasting? Are you serenely confident that I will raise you too, My adopted child?”
“Faith means you want God and want to want nothing else.”
“When Scripture, prayer, worship, ministry become routine, they are dead. When I conclude that I can now cope with the awful love of God, I have headed for the shallows to avoid the deeps. I could more easily contain Niagara Falls in a tea cup than I can comprehend the wild, uncontainable love of God.”
*sigh*
Christmas Trees For Kids
Our church, Church at Bethany, is raising money a different way for Christmas this year. In fact, the money we’re raising isn’t even FOR our church… but ALL of the proceeds will go toward the helping homeless children in our community and towards aiding children in orphanages.
If you’re in the Portland area, and are planning on getting a tree for Christmas this year… please consider purchasing it from us. Your money will go to those in greater need. There’s no BETTER way to get a Christmas tree this year!
Below is the press release I pulled from Matt’s blogsite.
PRESS RELEASE
Church! at Bethany, a 3-year old church that meets at the Stoller Middle School, is selling Christmas Trees For Kids.
100% of the proceeds will go to help children. 50% will go to the Beaverton School District Homeless Student Fund and 50% will go to Children of the Nations, which is a Seattle based organization that works in Africa to care for orphaned children.
The sale will take place at 16260 NW Bronson Rd Beaverton, on November 28th, 29th and December 5th, 6th, 12th, and 13th
Hours of operation are Saturdays 10:00 AM to 5:00 PM. Sundays 2:00 PM to 5:00 PM.
Trees are available starting at $25.
Donations are accepted and can be made online here!
Check out our Facebook Page and invite your friends!
Clean Up
I took Chance and Paxton in to get their haircut today… just in time for the holidays.
BEFORE:
AFTER:
Maybe now, strangers will stop asking me if my little “girl” is one yet. Um… he’s wearing ALL BOY CLOTHES? I digress.
Sometimes… all we need is a “clean-up” to feel a bit better.
I know when my whole house is a mess, if I just clean up my kitchen counters, sweep and wipe everything down (15 minutes worth of work), I’ll immediately feel better and have a new outlook.
Life works a bit differently.
Or does it?
My life is jam packed full of… well.. LIFE.
It’s not just my schedule… it’s my whole family’s, seeing that I’m the CEO of my home AND the Worship Pastor of my church. If you’re like me, you find yourself scheduling in drop-off & pick-ups to and from pre-school, doctor’s appointments, counseling appointments, staff meetings, worship band practices, girlfriend time, date nights with Brian, small group, bible studies, play groups… and the list goes on. When do you find time to just BE?
About a month ago, I had enough of the rat race. I had almost lost everything once… I wasn’t about to spiral out of control again. So, I chose rest.
TUESDAYS.
I schedule NOTHING on Tuesdays. Why Tuesday? I don’t know… I can’t do Sunday because I work at a church. Saturdays are family days and prep days for Sundays. Monday, Wednesday and Friday is school for Chance. Mondays are usually also my “hangover from the weekend” day. Thursday is counseling with Brian and small group. So, Tuesday was the big winner!
It’s my Sabbath. It’s the day I invest in my family.
No grocery shopping
No stressful housekeeping
No play dates
No girlfriend dates
No prepping for worship services
No cleaning out my email inbox (though I may read them during the kids’ naps)
Instead, the kids and I do whatever we want… together.
We play
We sleep
We watch movies
We read
We talk about God
We make up stories
We dream
And when the kids nap, I drink in His Word.
I have no deadlines on Tuesday.
And when I get that urge of anxiety of NEEDING to do something… I just write it down on my list of “to-do’s” for Wednesday. It works. I need it. To be better wives, husbands, parents, friends, leaders, servants…We ALL need it.
Because, if you don’t… you need to clean up so you can!
Paste Jewelry and Sawdust Hot Dogs
Another excerpt from my LifeGroup Online study… and my prayer this week:
Lord Jesus, we are silly sheep who have dared to stand before You and try to bribe You with our preposterous portfolios. Suddenly we have come to our senses. We are sorry and ask You to forgive us. Give us the grace to admit we are ragamuffins, to embrace our brokenness, to celebrate Your mercy when we are at our weakest, to rely on Your mercy no matter what we may do. Dear Jesus, gift us to stop grandstanding and trying to get attention, to do the truth quietly without display, to let the dishonesties in our lives fade away, to accept our limitations, to cling to the gospel of grace, and to delight in Your love. Amen
~ The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning
Deadly Viper: Character Assassins
By now, I’m sure most have heard about the incident regarding Deadly Viper: Character Assassins.
I’ve been avoiding this whole controversy due to the mere fact that there has been enough attention thrown that direction. I really didn’t feel the need to add to the noise. Also, I thought, “Who am I? Why does my opinion matter?” But when people started asking me more and more what my thoughts were, I realized maybe my voice DOES matter.
Long story short: Jud Wilhite & Mike Foster wrote Deadly Viper. Much of the Asian American Community were deeply offended by their use of marketing, which used kanji and martial arts illustrations. Words were expressed on blogs. Feelings were hurt. Jud & Mike (along with Zondervan) addressed the concerns as best they could. Plans to re-design the book were made. Everyone seemed to have come to a compromise. Then, instead of going with the plan, Zondervan pulls the book off the stands… indefinitely.
Now, everyone feels censored.
The Asian American community has blown up the blogosphere with their thoughts. You can read some written by Professor Soong-Chan Rah, Eugene Cho, DJ Chuang, Dave Gibbons and Kathy Khang. Then later I was quoted HERE by DJ Chuang… twice. I highly respect ALL of these contributors, but I don’t necessarily agree with everything they are saying. My comments have been so scattered on different blogposts, I thought it would be better if I just compiled them all in one place. So here goes:
For clarity, I am Chinese-American. I didn’t even speak English until I was in first grade, but if you and I had a conversation, you’d never know that because I have NO accent. ESL classes were my best friend in elementary school. On my wedding day, I had a Chinese red-dress wedding AND an American white-dress wedding (with tea ceremony). Brian “purchased” me for $99.99. It felt like the longest day of my life. I know the Chinese traditions all too well, yet at the same time, feel as if I know NOTHING about my culture. Where does that put me? Always willing to learn, I guess.
I am DEEPLY saddened about the controversy surrounding this matter.
People were offended and hurt in this process. Brothers and Sisters in Christ (of the same race, of a different race, same gender, different gender) slung nasty words at each other while they fought for a side… fought to be heard. Ironic really, how this book was about character assassination.
The majority of the offended party has not even read the book. This is unfortunate because the premise and the purpose of the book is quite phenomenal and has changed the lives of many. The offended also saw an obscure Facebook video from 2 years ago that was unrelated to the book’s marketing and words flew. Even though the video was removed immediately once it was brought to attention, integrity was questioned.
The offended looked at the design and concluded it was a marketing gimmick when in reality, the book wasn’t about hijacking a culture… it was about using the Kung-Fu movie genre & Martial Arts as a metaphor for living a life with integrity.
I understand that some of the DV marketing was offensive. Not knowing some of the material was offensive doesn’t excuse the DV team from the FACT it’s still offensive. However, they were never given a real opportunity to rectify it before it all blew up in their face.
My biggest disappointment in all of this isn’t that I felt as if my Asian culture had been attacked… but that CHRIST’S culture had been attacked.
From the beginning, my frustrations weren’t with the DV camp… it was with some of the “offended” Asian American community. Am I saying they didn’t have a right to be offended? NO. Hear/read me clearly – God gave us ALL feelings for a reason. If we feel it, it’s real to us. Right, wrong or indifferent, it’s real. Our job is to communicate that out of love and grace so that restoration can take place. But from what I have read, that didn’t happen.
Matthew 18: 15-17 says:
15″If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
From what I saw… the offended jumped STRAIGHT to the last resort.
We’ve come a long way from when my great-grandfather was working on American train-tracks as a slave. We can talk to each other now respectfully and humbly without fearing for our lives… so let’s use our words to resolve issues of offenses… not attack back.
I’ll close with part of my comment on DJ Chuang’s most recent post:
I wish that DV didn’t get pulled. I wish the Asian-American community didn’t APPEAR so “overly-sensitive” and to be blunt… a bit selfish. But that’s where we are right now and I feel like I’ve got a foot in both camps. This CAN be remedied… but it’s gonna take communication… and some serious hugging.
“Brothers don’t shake hands… Brothers gotta HUG!”
Oh… and in case you couldn’t tell? I was NOT offended by ANY of Deadly Viper’s materials.
Worship Confessional – 11.22.09
We started our new series today called “Faithwerks”.
Our topic today was on how to raise our children to follow Christ… and how we shouldn’t just let the church take care of our children’s faith, just like we shouldn’t leave it to the schools to make sure our children are educated.
These children have been entrusted to our care by God… entrusted to ME so I shouldn’t just hand off my responsibilities to different organizations, though they WILL help me.
Definitely a challenged my thinking. That’s good.
Today’s Sunday Setlist:
- Beautiful One – Tim Hughes
- You’ll Come – Brooke Fraser
- O Praise Him – David Crowder
- Till I See You – Joel Houston
- Heart of Worship – Matt Redman
- Mighty To Save – Reuben Morgan
- Hosanna – Brooke Fraser
During the response time, I shared how I have always sung “Till I See You” as a lullaby to my boys. They both know and recognize the tune.
The other day, we had a “windstorm” of sorts. I think they were 50 mph winds. The next day, Chance and I had a conversation that went something like this:
C: “Mommy… last night I heard God talking.”
Me: “Really? What did He say?”
C: “I don’t know. His voice was in the storm outside! That’s how I knew I was safe.”
Our children are listening.
Alece Ronzino: I’m Exhaustulated
Meet Alece.
She’s real. She’s raw. She’s AH-MAZ-ING!
Alece’s story humbles me. Her mission inspires me. The example her life exudes pushes me to be more gracious, loving and prayerful towards others… even the ones who are not kind to me.
Thank you, Alece, for revealing your heart here today. I’m so humbled to call you “friend”.
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I was reading along in Isaiah when I tripped over this phrase: “You have not wearied yourselves for Me, O Israel.” I brushed off my knees and copped a squat right there. I knew exactly what God was talking about. And I knew I was just as guilty as Israel was.
After over eleven years in full-time ministry, I know full-well what it’s like to weary myself. I’ve put in the ridiculously long hours. I’ve juggled an impossible schedule. I’ve reached the point of burnout and lived to tell about it.
And as I fall in bed exhausted at the end of a long day week month year decade, my heart sighs, “I’m weary…”
If I listen closely enough, I hear God’s voice, ever loving and gentle. “But you haven’t wearied yourself for Me.”
Without even realizing it, I’ve been wearing my exhaustion like a badge of honor. My demanding schedule and ever-growing to do lists became my identity. As if fatigue is the mark of an accomplished missionary.
If I’m most honest, I wearied myself because I thought my value lay in my productivity. I mistook accomplishments for significance. I bought into the lie that busyness is the telltale sign of successful leadership.
But while I was getting stuff done, and even—by God’s grace—impacting lives, I was ultimately toiling for the wrong reasons.
The work of discipling young leaders in Africa is worth every ounce of my effort and energy. I want to tire myself out doing what I love. But I need to keep the motives of my heart in check. Wearying myself for some self-serving purpose is just plain tiring.
I want to weary myself for Him.
Then and only then am I strengthened.
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What do you weary yourself over?
Grace Is For Sinners
Serena Woods is the author of Grace Is For Sinners.
Here is a woman who has experienced far more than her allotted portion of life and still stands tall to tell her story. Instead of blaming her circumstances and sitting dormantly bitter, she’s openly chosen AND choosing life.
Serena is a woman of passion, love, grace and forgiveness. She has boldly shared her story and experiences at graceisforsinners.com with all of us so that maybe… JUST maybe OUR stories can turn out less marred.
Thanks Serena, for posting your wisdom here today!
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Remembering who we are is one of the hardest things to do.
The experiences we have in flesh and blood distract us from the experiences that take place in the spirit, the ‘wind hovering over the water’ life.
It’s hard to rip the flesh out of the equation. Needs make us aware of the ability in our hands. Passion makes us aware of the energy in our shapes. Dreams make us aware of the potential in our time. Pain makes us aware of the energy in our tears. Anger makes us sense the power of our fists. We use God like a shovel. We wear God like cheap perfume. We use oils and chants as though God were a genie. Our sense of entitlement thinks God wouldn’t want us to cry. Our so called righteous indignation uses God like brass knuckles.
When will we see that the flesh is separate from the spirit? We have the freedom to move about the world and all of its experiences without being bound to them. Things in this life do not sustain us because their loss cannot break us. We navigate our lives choosing liberation or capture.
It’s not about choosing right for the sake of choosing right. You’re choosing freedom. Not freedom from pain, failure, consequences or punishment. These are all things that have to do with the flesh. Flesh is relative and based on perspective.
Freedom has to do with the spirit. Nothing in the here and now should be used to navigate you. Only distract you. You have a force working against your freedom. An enemy who wants you to feel not only pain, guilt and uncertainty, but also relief, success and security. We are distracted by all of those things. We are tied to all of those things. We are held captive by our flesh in more ways than we know.
The power of the wind. An invisible force gentle enough to make chimes sing. Sturdy enough for birds to rest their wings. Strong enough to put a farmer’s tractor in the trees. The power of the wind hints at a terrifying and awesome invisible made visible by the effects it has on what we can actually see.
Flesh is only a whisper, not an infallible entity. Don’t submit to things that die with passing time. It’ll never be fascinating enough to hold you and it will never be simple enough to make you understand.
“You’re not listening. Let me say it again. Unless a person submits to this original creation—the ‘wind-hovering-over- the-water’ creation, the invisible moving the visible, a baptism into a new life—it’s not possible to enter God’s kingdom. When you look at a baby, it’s just that: a body you can look at and touch. But the person who takes shape within is formed by something you can’t see and touch—the Spirit—and becomes a living spirit.”
~ Jesus, John 3 5-6 MSG
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oh… P.S. – Serena & I did a blog swap today. Serena is hosting “Affair Week” at GraceIsForSinners.com so make sure you come on over and visit me.
wow… those were definitely words I never thought I’d say.
Worship Confessional – 11.08.09
Today’s Sunday Setlist:
- Indescribable – Chris Tomlin
- Blessed Be Your Name – Matt Redman
- How Great Is Our God – Chris Tomlin
- Healer – Mike Guglielmucci
- Give Us Clean Hands – Charlie Hall
- From The Inside Out – Joel Houston
- Hosanna -Brooke Fraser
I received this forward from my father-in-law today:
THE BUZZARD:
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.THE BAT:
The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkable nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.THE BUMBLEBEE:
A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom.. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.
I don’t usually do the “email forward” thing, but this one connected with our current “Hostage” series. Today, Matt talked about “Addictions” and how we are ALL addicted to something. Not everyone is addicted to something as “big” as alcohol, sex or porn… but I am POSITIVE we all have addictions that pulls us away from God. And if you’re that ONE person that says you DON’T have an addiction, then you are in some serious denial, friend.
Maybe our addiction is…
… control.
… our kids.
… for acceptance.
… Starbucks.
I’m pretty sure I can raise my hand to all of those.
During the in-between, when my affair was over and before I told Brian, I felt completely trapped. I really didn’t think I had a way out. It was one of two things. Either tell Brian everything and LOSE everything… or keep it all till death. That was it. I had NO clue that God’s plan for me and my marriage would be restoration. I never bothered looking UP to see my way out.
This morning, Matt said: ”When you tell your secrets of addiction, don’t just tell 90%… share the final 10 too!”
You see… I did EXACTLY that. When I came out, I didn’t tell the full truth. I only shared 90% of it. There are a lot of reasons I did that.
I thought I was protecting Brian.
I didn’t want to hurt him more.
I still wanted to protect the other man.
I was scared.
But the most REAL reason is this: I was still protecting my addiction… ME.
For some strange reason, I really believed I could do a better job protecting myself than God could… when in actuality, what I really needed was to STOP trying to “save” myself and just look up… where FREEDOM is openly available.
I wish I looked up sooner… because freedom is sweet. But I guess it all doesn’t matter, because I am tasting freedom now.
Sorrow looks back,
Worry looks around,
But faith looks up!
Are you tasting freedom? or are you still looking down?
Tilted Halos
Our LifeGroup Online is reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning.
This book is kicking me in the behind (in a really amazingly AWESOME “push-me-towards-God’s-embrace” kind of way)… and revealing a lot of truth that I’ve been suppressing in my own life.
I thought I’d share something I read this past week from the “Tilted Halos” chapter:
“Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him — as nothing else can — and opens us anew to the flow of grace. While Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot achieve it on our own. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken isto stand in need of grace. It is only through grace that any of us could dare to hope that we could become more like Christ.
The saved sinner with the tilted halo has been converted from mistrust to trust, has arrived at an inner poverty of spirit, and lives as best he or she can in rigorous honesty with self, others and God.
The question which the gospel of grace puts to us is simply this:
Who shall separate you from the love of Christ? Who are you afraid of?”
Great question posed here.
Thoughts?
Worship Confessional – 11.01.09
Last week, we started the Hostage Series at Church at Bethany by focusing on WORRY.
To be completely honest, I knew I would struggle with this series. I’m kind of a hostage to myself. I worry about everything… even over the silliest things that really don’t need to be worried about.
This week, God spoke right to my heart… BITTERNESS.
What really hit home was when Matt said this:
Bitter people…
… tend to justify bitterness
… tend to be overly critical
… secretly celebrate the misfortune of others
… tend to write-off groups of people
… fail to recognize the bitterness in the mirror
I am guilty of all of these things.
There have been times I thought I had gotten rid of my bitterness because I “weeded” by cutting it off at the stem. But because I never FULLY dealt with ME, it always came back. My bitterness is deeply rooted. I’m not sure where my bitterness came from… but at this point, it really doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I can NOT stay bitter anymore. I have a husband and two sons that deserve more than just my reserves. The only way to kill the root of bitterness is WITH forgiveness. Forgiveness towards people who have hurt me… and forgiveness to myself for hurting myself AND others. How dare I hold forgiveness from people and even myself when God has sacrificially forgiven me?
“… forgiveness meant that God is for giving, and that we are here for giving too, and that to withhold love or blessings is to be completely delusional.” ~ Anne Lamott
I’m thankful for the blood of Jesus. I’m thankful for another day. And I’m thankful for the opportunities to change old broken relationships for the better.
Today’s Sunday Setlist was:
- Holy Is The Lord – Chris Tomlin
- King of Glory – Chris Tomlin
- Nothing But The Blood – Robert Lowry
- O The Blood – Hillsong
- Revelation Song – Jennie Riddle
- You Alone – David Crowder
- You’ll Come – Brooke Fraser
Highlights: I love a fuller band sound. I love daylight savings for that extra hour. I love how our church pulls together for a common purpose. I love how real Matt Payne is willing to be. I love when the act of worshiping is made easier because you don’t have to worry about the logistics. Today was a great day.
Lowlights: Though I’m not sick, my throat is fighting me on that. Time to give my vocal cords some TLC, I think.
How was YOUR Sunday? Link away.
Abandoned
Loneliness hits at the strangest time.
Yesterday, I got to hang out with Amber Isborn because our kids had a playdate during the day, then in the evening, I went to the Blazer’s opening game with Cindy Payne. The night before, I got to have a spa date with Angela Lawton. I actually don’t ever go out two nights in a row like this and rarely even go out twice in a week.
You see, I prayed for girlfriends. I have mourned the loss of many friends so now I’m not only investing in the girlfriends I already have, but I’m making new ones. God is blessing me. It’s like I have girlfriends coming out of the woodworks.
So, why do I feel so lonely?
This is what I discovered: I’m mourning the loss of friends from my past 8 years.
Some of my closest friends I bonded with most were from my old church. We worked together, we spent every day together, we shared life together… FRIENDS. But, when I left that church, it felt as if I was ex-communicated immediately by many. It was almost as if I was no longer someone they needed to invest time in because I no longer had anything to offer them. I could no longer help meet their need, so the “friendship” was over too. I’m not saying this is what REALLY happened… I’m just saying this is how it FELT to me.
Then, I came out with my secret. I know “they” know. ”They”… the one’s I didn’t actually tell face-to-face because the rumor mill beat me to it… but save TWO friends, “they” never called.
Don’t get me wrong. I am certain I still have many friends from that church. In fact, some have walked me through the last eight months and prayed us through our hardest times. I will FOREVER be grateful for them. What I am merely saying is this: I am overwhelmingly sad to have spent so many years serving with people who no longer nod at my existence. Sad.
So… here are my thoughts:
I am someone who most recognize.
I was on the platform.
I was on staff… oversaw a ministry.
I was usually surrounded by people, friends, acquaintances.
I’m outgoing and PLUGGED into the church.
I’m pretty foundationally secure in my faith.
However… when my world fell apart, I felt abandoned… outcasted… gossiped about… forgotten by the church I spent 8 years at.
WHAT ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE?
What about the unrecognized?
The quiet church-goer?
The silent servant volunteer?
The lonely “un-friendable”?
The reserved and unplugged?
The foundationally insecure… the roamer?
What about them?
This is not about me. This isn’t about “that” church. This is about the UNchurched… the hurting… the alone… the SINNER… like you and me. This is about them. This is about what WE are doing for THEM.
40“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’ 41“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ 44“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ 45“He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
~ Matthew 25:40-45
Come on, Church… it’s time to step up when the times get tough.
Old Friends Becoming New
Sarah Jean (yes… that’s her first name. do not separate or she will kill you) and I have been friends since 6th grade.
No… correction. We’ve known each other since 6th grade. And though we cheered together (SJ & I are at the top right in the photo above sandwiching Marcus, my stunt partner), spent WHO knows how many hours in classes together, and had a very similar personality then… the truth is: we weren’t friends at all.
Just acquaintances.
We never shared life. We never really talked about REAL things. We just co-existed and were obviously subconsciously smart enough back then to stay out of each other’s “limelight”.
But here we are… 13 years later. Today is different.
With the epic amount of loss our little class of ‘96 has recently endured (friends dying too young, friends’ children dying, friends getting really sick…) we decided that just saying, “we’ll have to get together sometime soon.” wasn’t good enough. Sarah Jean made it happen.
Sarah Jean and Mikaelyn came down to spend the weekend with us. We even got to have lunch with Carole (pictured above in the cheer photo with her hair touching my cheek) on Sunday afternoon. We talked about real things… things that matter… things that affect us in real life. The facade came down… and we openly admitted how much we didn’t have life together.
You see those smiles above? Those were our facades. All of us. Covering our deepest insecurities, desperately trying to prove we had it all together, pretending we were the perfect “All-American” cheerleader… and that we were WORTH loving.
We WERE worth loving… no… we ARE worth loving! Just not by statuses we attained or through accolades we once longed to hear.
Our worth has nothing to do with what we do, who we know, our popularity status or what “uniform” we wear. Our worth has EVERYTHING to do with WHO died for us, WHO we serve now and HOW we love others.
See our smiles below (well… sort of)? Those are smiles of hope and realization of how blessed we are TODAY. They’re not fake… because we know, sometimes, those smiles are replaced by the ugly cry — and that’s ok.
The friendship I now have with Sarah Jean isn’t surface. It’s deep and here to stay. Yes, we live three hours away, but I am positive that if I ever needed her, she would be at my side in 4 hours flat and vice versa. I’m glad we had 13 years to live life (through pain and all) and morph into who we are now because we are better for each other TODAY than we ever would have been for each other THEN.
It’s time for all of us to hang up the past so that we can put on TODAY.
My cheer uniform is hung up.
My high school mask is hung up.
My sin is hung up… on a tree with my Savior over 2000 years ago.
Today… what I’m wearing is grace.
David Goodwin: Stereotyped?
Today’s post was written by my friend, David Goodwin.
David and his wife, Diane, are a part of my LifeGroup Online group. We’ve been meeting for over a year now and I can honestly say that David & Diane are a couple we have not only come to love deeply, but trust fully.
Just like me, David is the Worship Director at his church in Australia and better yet, sang in a barbershop quartet in high school. For those of you who don’t know… I did too.
David and Diane are not fair-weathered friends. They are faithful, constant, loving, merciful, strong, brave, gracious and forgiving. All the things I work towards being more of.
They have stood firmly in God’s word, encouraging and supporting me often but have also called me out in truth when needed. These two are my prayer warriors. I believe they are this way because they THEMSELVES have weathered the storm… many times.
Read these wise, grace-filled words… and take it to heart.
Without further adieu, please welcome… DAVID GOODWIN.
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I don’t talk about it. With anyone. Ever.
That’s mainly because I don’t think I want the consequences I think will come from talking about it. But I don’t know if those consequences are real or imagined. It’s not as though no-one knows, and a large percentage of people I meet assume what I’m about to say anyway, despite the factual evidence to the contrary.
However…
For most of my life, I was gay.
Or rather, I believed the lie that I was gay and nothing could be done about it.
That’s the first time I’ve ever written those words.
And I’m not making a song and dance about it (maybe I should…using “Single Ladies“ and the cast of Glee), but it’s a large part of my life testimony that’s essentially been torn out of the story book.
Until now.
Don’t misunderstand me, this is my past, not my future. My former self, not my current self. Who I was, not who I am.
While I was gay…
- I didn’t fully embrace the lifestyle, though I had opportunity…and wanted to.
- I didn’t cut off from my Christian family, though I moved far from them, partly for fear of rejection.
- I didn’t leave church physically, though I did emotionally and spiritually.
- I didn’t stop being a Christian. Sin doesn’t revoke salvation.
What I did do was allow spiritual oppression to come upon me. That’s OK. We all do that from time to time.
It’s not right, but it’s OK. (thanks Whitney…)
Wait. Isn’t homosexuality genetic? Well, despite this video clearly explaining from 1m40s onward that the Greeks invented gayness (ironic comedy people), the consensus on homosexuality is as clear as the science on evolution, but I’m not here to debate.
I’m just filling in some lifestory gaps.
I’ve always been camp. It’s who I was, who I still am, there’s nothing wrong with that. But for years, I let the lifestyle the world stereotypically associates with male sensitivity/creativity/propensity-to-break-out-in-Broadway-musicals-in-supermarkets override my God-given destiny.
And I knew something was wrong. That’s why I never went all in. The Holy Spirit within me kept nudging. Only I didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t have the knowledge I needed to understand this condition wasn’t “just the way it is”.
So I accepted a lie. A miserable, debauched lie. satan was having his way with me.
But God, in His grace and mercy, set people across my path who opened my eyes to battles taking place in the spiritual realm affecting our physical lives. All gleaned from Scripture, but I’d never seen it before. It all made sense.
How could I have been so blind?
(Yeah, dumb question in hindsight. satan’s aim is to find ways of blindfolding us from the Light. he’s good at it)
Armed with new knowledge (and fresh revelation of past experiences…like the time I was protected by a visible angel…another story…), I went into battle. With help from friends new and old, satan lost yet another fight. He didn’t go down quietly – he never does – but that’s why the weapons God gives us for warfare are strong and mighty for breaking down strongholds.
The mind-games satan played on me involved stereotypes. he uses these seemingly innocuous casts to convince us that you can’t break the mold.
So he tries all sorts of crap…
- you can’t be a straight man and understand the difference between stilettos and pumps.
- you can’t desire a woman and be interested in why she prefers Napoleon Perdis over M.A.C.
- and you can’t be a heterosexual male and not only understand what these books are saying, but also how to implement the advice therein for the greater good.
Except you can, and even though society is more accepting of the concept that being metrosexual and heterosexual can be mutually inclusive, what society accepts doesn’t matter.
It’s all about God. And I don’t want it any other way. He’s jealous, He loves me, and I love Him. I’m choosing the destiny He’s mapped out for me, often against the will of my flesh. Even though I don’t have the same battles as my former self, life presents new conflicts of will. In every instance, I want to be sure I choose Life over life.
After this battle was won He was able to set me on an entirely unexpected path. One where I’d meet my wife. Via the internet. And travel the world. And emigrate. And break into song in supermarkets together.
But much of that part of the story has been documented. With video. And fluorescent swirls on my shirt. I look hawt.
Jenni on Skype: jclayville 
