FORGIVENESS
for·give [fer-giv]
–verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
–verb (used without object)
6. to pardon an offense or an offender.
We Christ followers talk about forgiveness a lot. We tell each other we NEED to do it or it will just eat us up inside. We hear stories of other people forgiving other people and blessings pouring in because of it. But when it comes to OUR lives and what it means to forgive, that’s when the word “forgive” becomes an impossible action.
When I did the unforgivable, Brian graciously forgave me. Not immediately… but after he processed what it really meant to forgive… he CHOSE to. He didn’t HAVE to… but he CHOSE to. Many people forgave me. Brian’s family, my sisters, my Dad, our friends. They CHOSE grace over judgment on me.
All except one.
My mother hasn’t forgiven me. I doubt she ever will.
I’ve caused her great embarrassment. Children are an extension of the parent and I am one seriously tangled mess of an extension cord. I’m no longer a viable showpiece because I’ve revealed the “wizard of oz” behind the curtain… and the reality is I’m nothing great. I’ve failed her. And that’s all I know because she hasn’t spoken to me since August 2009.
But here’s where I’m gonna get real with you. I’m gonna show my ugly and I’ll be honest… I’m a little scared right now. But, I’m gonna do it anyway (please be gentle).
I have NO right to ask for her forgiveness. I don’t have ANY place to receive it even if it was offered…
… because I haven’t forgiven her either.
Most of my counseling time is spent working through my childhood and how that’s manifested it’s way into my adulthood, relationship with Brian, and relationship with my children. 75% of my therapy time is spent digging up painful memories of how my mother treated me, looking at it, mourning it, and letting it go.
I’m not blaming my mother OR my past for my adult actions. However, how can you really change if you’ve never gone back to look at the problem face-to-face? I’ve NEVER grieved anything or allowed myself to FEEL. And I don’t want to live the rest of my life like that.
In Matthew 26:28, Jesus says:
“This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.”
So… here’s the hard part. Forgiveness isn’t just for me. Forgiveness isn’t just for those who forgive me. Forgiveness is for EVERYONE who chooses Him. Forgiveness is for those who haven’t or will not forgive me. Not forgiving my mother is like drinking poison and waiting for HER to die. So, I need to forgive…
… every disapproving look, sneer, grunt, glare.
… every time I was called ugly, fat, stupid, “the devil”.
… every slap in the face & body-slam into the walls.
… every weeklong silent treatment.
… EVERY wrong ever committed against the childhood me.
… not because I “have” to… but because I’ve been FORGIVEN by the Greatest. And so has she.
So, why do I still have the bottle of poison at my lips?
Clayville Kids
Suddenly, the house got eerily quiet… then LAUGHTER.
When you’re the Mom of two young boys, that’s not always a GOOD thing. I turned around from the sink and saw THIS:
I was curious with what EXACTLY was going on, so I dried my hands and walked over.
Paxton had crawled onto the couch, nestled in with Chance and was pushing the little yellow button on Chance’s “fighter jet”. Each time the fighter jet “launched a missile”, the boys laughed hysterically.
I love “catching” my boys loving each other and just BEING together.
I can honestly say I would never trade this for a million dollars.
Invite Me
I’m sitting here watching my 4-year-old.
He grabs a little cup from one of the bottom cabinets (we put all the kids dishes where they can reach them so they can help themselves), scurries over to the fridge, fills his cup with water and drinks from it. Then he grabs a couple apple slices I’ve cut for them and runs over to his 1-year-old little brother.
“Here Paxton… want an apple?”
As they both snack, they sit side-by-side and Chance “reads” to Paxton. Then… out of nowhere… Chance says:
“Hey Mom… you wanna come and read with us?”
ABSOLUTELY!!!
I could have easily done all that water-fetching and snack-handling for Chance and Paxton… but there was so much more pride when I saw he was self-sufficiently taking care of his own needs, sharing with his brother, playing quietly… and then he invited ME to come and play with him.
I love walking alongside my kids.
I love listening to the silliest rambling and chatter their little minds offer.
I love to watch them grow.
I love holding them close and cuddling in.
I love experiencing every milestone with them.
I even love their temper tantrums because it reveals passion.
I love being WITH them.
That’s when it hit me: This is what God wants from ME!
God loves to see me taking care of myself… taking care of others… living out my purpose. He’s always present, just like I’m present with my kids… but to be invited into the simplest, daily activities of our lives?
God loves walking alongside me.
God loves listening to the silliest rambling and chatter of my mind.
God loves to watch me grow… especially if I take a lesson in with it.
God loves holding me close… in joy or in my tears.
God loves when I experience my milestones THROUGH Him.
God even loves my passionate outbursts because I’m using the feelings He gave me.
God loves being with me.
2010: The Last Decade
It’s the New Year… and to commemorate this *exciting* tenth year past 2000, I thought I’d document the last decade of my life on one post. A lot has happened…
Let’s begin.
2000:
- I moved from Seattle to Portland, knowing NO one.
- Met Brian in February.
- Started working in Radio Marketing.
- Got engaged in December.
2001:
- Bought our condo.
- Got married on May 27th.
2002:
- Found out we were “infertile”.
- Lost a couple of babies in miscarriages.
2003:
- Left Marketing behind and started Full-Time Ministry at Sunset.
- Lost another baby.
- Bought our first “house” in Bethany.
2004:
- Started Blogging.
- Started the Adoption Process.
- Found out we were pregnant in December. Didn’t move for 3 months.
- Abandoned the Adoption Process for now.
2005:
- Chance was born on September 1st.
2006:
- Left FT Ministry to stay home with Chance.
- I stepped into an affair.
2007:
- Sold my dream house & moved to Hillsboro.
- Filled in at the Interim Student Worship Director at Sunset for a year.
2008:
- We moved… again… back to Bethany area.
- My sister, Renee, married Jason in July.
- Started as the Worship Pastor at Church! at Bethany.
- Paxton was born on November 6th.
- We moved… again… to a temporary house.
2009:
- Told Brian about my infidelity.
- Went back into counseling.
- Scott died.
- We moved… again… for the last time in 3 years to Beaverton.
- Wondered if our marriage was going to make it… daily.
- Went public (church & blog) about my affair.
- Started finally experiencing a REAL marriage with my husband.
- Turned 31.
- Discovered what grace REALLY looks and feels like.
- Healing… and living… maybe for the first time ever.
- My baby sister, Helen, announced her engagement to Jesse.
What is in store for us in 2010? I have no idea… but I have never look more optimistically at an upcoming year.
In the last ten years, it feels as if my life was only beginning. I fell… many times… more times than I really care to admit. I remember MANY very specific moments of just wanting to lay there and never get up again. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to die in my shame and pain. But somehow, I found my way back on my feet. To stand as a sinner… to face the consequences… to deal with the ROOT issues (not just what seemed to be)… and maybe the most difficult hurdle of all:
… to allow undeserved grace to wash over me.
… to be redeemed & restored.
This year, 2010, I look forward to:
- Continued restoration in my marriage.
- Healing in other relationships.
- Many rich and full moments with my family.
- Deepening the bond with my amazing girlfriends from all over.
- Learning how to love more freely and with reckless abandon.
- Owning my first spaceship (you still there?)
God is good… all the time.
… even when it doesn’t feel like it.
… especially when it doesn’t feel like it.
What are 10 words (less or more) that describe your LAST decade?
Merry Christmas 2009
Thank you ALL so much for all the support, prayers and love you’ve sent our way this year.
Brian and I just wanted to say a few words to you on this day:
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Thank you, Baby Jesus, for being born and then growing up to do what you did for us.
God is good… all the time!
Tom’s Shoes
What girl doesn’t love adding to her shoe collection?
Well… here’s an amazing way to not only benefit yourself but needy children all over the world.
Watch this video:
This Christmas, our family purchased three pairs of shoes from Toms Shoes. What that means is, our investment in the three shoes for our family has also provided for THREE pairs to needy children. That’s SIX pairs of shoes, for you who are not so quick with the math. One-for-One.
To be completely honest, though Chance and I are rockin’ out our shoes, this style of shoe is TOTALLY not Brian… however, he’s wearing it anyway because he loves the cause behind it. I believe he’ll grow to love the way they look because they are SO comfortable.
The best part of all this is the conversations Chance and I have had about REAL life. I’ve shown Chance MANY of the Tom’s Shoes videos and his questions break my heart. It’s amazing HOW much a 4-year-old understands and how much compassion their hearts have. When the shoes showed up at our doorstep, Chance’s first reaction wasn’t, “YAY! I got new shoes!!!”… it was, “MOM! THREE KIDS GOT NEW SHOES THAT DIDN’T HAVE SHOES BEFORE!!!” Then, he grabbed his piggy bank and said, “I want to buy another pair for them!”
Our family has dedicated to always having a pair of Tom’s in our rotation of wear. We figure by the time ours wear out, another child’s has LONG been worn out. We’d love for you to join us in Tom’s amazing movement. If you choose to purchase a pair before January 31st, 2010… you can use THIS $5 discount code:
IDEA00000000006 (that’s 10 zeros)
Join the cause.
Fly your Tom’s Flag!
Christmas Tree & Boys
This Christmas season is the first of a few things:
Paxton’s FIRST Christmas Tree
Chance’s FIRST time decorating the tree with us
Paxton’s FIRST time saying “WOW”
Our FIRST Christmas at this house
I am blessed…
Belated Thanksgiving Post
I hope y’all had an amazing Thanksgiving.
I know I did.
Brian and I went to Thanksgiving in La Grande again this year with the boys. They are both so active now, it was great to see them having so much fun at their Nina & Papa’s house.
Thanksgiving this year was bittersweet for me. It was the first Thanksgiving holiday living in complete truth… protective walls down. Everyone around the table knew what I had done… and yet, they still loved me and invited me TO their table with love and grace.
This year… “thankfulness” has a new meaning. Thankfulness has life.
I am thankful for:
- *Jesus… and His grace for me.
- *Brian… and his immeasurable forgiveness.
- *Chance Hayden… and all the questions behind his eyes.
- *Paxton Joel… and all he represents.
- *Second chances to make things right.
- *Truth… and the freedom that comes with it.
- *Worship… and that I get to do that with reckless abandon again.
- *Brian’s new job… so we can get back on our feet again.
- *Brian’s parents… who have never stopped supporting us and have adopted me in as their own.
- *My sisters, Renee & Helen… who make my life better.
- *My mom… who gave me life so I can actually experience it.
- *My dad… who helped too.
- *Friends… old and new.
I am blessed… and WAY beyond thankful.
Clean Up
I took Chance and Paxton in to get their haircut today… just in time for the holidays.
BEFORE:
AFTER:
Maybe now, strangers will stop asking me if my little “girl” is one yet. Um… he’s wearing ALL BOY CLOTHES? I digress.
Sometimes… all we need is a “clean-up” to feel a bit better.
I know when my whole house is a mess, if I just clean up my kitchen counters, sweep and wipe everything down (15 minutes worth of work), I’ll immediately feel better and have a new outlook.
Life works a bit differently.
Or does it?
My life is jam packed full of… well.. LIFE.
It’s not just my schedule… it’s my whole family’s, seeing that I’m the CEO of my home AND the Worship Pastor of my church. If you’re like me, you find yourself scheduling in drop-off & pick-ups to and from pre-school, doctor’s appointments, counseling appointments, staff meetings, worship band practices, girlfriend time, date nights with Brian, small group, bible studies, play groups… and the list goes on. When do you find time to just BE?
About a month ago, I had enough of the rat race. I had almost lost everything once… I wasn’t about to spiral out of control again. So, I chose rest.
TUESDAYS.
I schedule NOTHING on Tuesdays. Why Tuesday? I don’t know… I can’t do Sunday because I work at a church. Saturdays are family days and prep days for Sundays. Monday, Wednesday and Friday is school for Chance. Mondays are usually also my “hangover from the weekend” day. Thursday is counseling with Brian and small group. So, Tuesday was the big winner!
It’s my Sabbath. It’s the day I invest in my family.
No grocery shopping
No stressful housekeeping
No play dates
No girlfriend dates
No prepping for worship services
No cleaning out my email inbox (though I may read them during the kids’ naps)
Instead, the kids and I do whatever we want… together.
We play
We sleep
We watch movies
We read
We talk about God
We make up stories
We dream
And when the kids nap, I drink in His Word.
I have no deadlines on Tuesday.
And when I get that urge of anxiety of NEEDING to do something… I just write it down on my list of “to-do’s” for Wednesday. It works. I need it. To be better wives, husbands, parents, friends, leaders, servants…We ALL need it.
Because, if you don’t… you need to clean up so you can!
Fun with Chance
This is Chance:
He is my firstborn son… and a total ham!
Chance loves to play with his legos and build TALL towers… then kick them over. He enjoys doing somersaults and telling everyone the rules to the game… or life. He’s smart! A bit to smart for his own good… and he LOVES music. He also LOVES taking pictures and being in videos.
Hence the next sequence of action here.
I just found these photos of Chance & me playing around and being silly in the car on a road trip.
Drink in these moments, dear friends… because before you know it… your kids will grow up… and turn out like me! And no one wants that. YIKES!
My kids are pretty amazing. I am a blessed mommy.
Interview with Chance
Yet another interview with Chance.
This is the “Happy Birthday, Daddy” version. Enjoy!
Brian’s 35th
Dearest Brian,
Today is your 35th birthday.
As I sit here and think through our last year together, I am again humbled that I still get to be your wife. In the past year, you have found me to be a liar, a coward, an adulteress and a completely broken human being… yet, when even I couldn’t choose myself… you chose me.
Thank you for forgiving me for something unforgivable
Thank you for not throwing my mistakes in my face
Thank you for extending grace when I performed a graceless act
Thank you for loving me when no one else did
Thank you for defending me when I wasn’t worth defending
Thank you for showing me unconditional love when I was so conditional
Thank you for being an AMAZING father to our boys through all of it
Thank you for still choosing me… everyday.
Thank you, baby.
For your birthday… I want nothing more than to take back every mistake I’ve ever made in our marriage. I wish I could remove all the hurt and all the mixed up, messed up memories from the last 3 years…
… but I can’t change the past.
However, I CAN live for today and tomorrow. So… for your birthday…
I’m choosing YOU
I’m loving YOU with every breath in my body
I’m choosing OUR children
I’m praying for YOU
I’m investing in my own physical, mental, emotional & spiritual health
I’m making our house OUR home
I’m giving YOU my firsts… not my scraps
For your 35th birthday, I am planning our future together. A future that leaves my past behind… because it’s only *OUR FUTURE* that matters now. I’m excited for what this year will bring for you… for me… for US. I’m looking forward to many more birthdays and anniversaries… but today… I’m just thankful for YOU.
… and I’m pretty sure I always will be.
Happy 35th Birthday, Brian. May this be your best year ever!
I love you… more than stupid words could ever express. I love you.
Celebrating Births
This weekend was a FUN weekend.
The Stegall’s (Mark & Cathi) came up to Portland for Mark’s birthday, so we celebrated Mark (30), Paxton (1) & Brian’s (35) birthday all in one weekend. Well… we’ll be celebrating Brian’s again later since his wasn’t actually ON this weekend, but you know, celebrate as often as you can, right?
Thought I’d post some photos from this weekend:
It used to be rare for us to meet couples and immediately bond like superglue. Brian and I each had our separate friends that were AMAZING, but finding a couple that we really both felt we connected with equally was pretty rare. One of us would usually feel connected with the other couple while the other one would feel “meh”.
However, in the last year, Brian and I have found a good handful of couples we both not only connect with, but connect DEEPLY with.
I’m not sure if it’s because we went through such a huge life change or if we’re just more aware of ourselves now with nothing to hide. Maybe it’s both. Maybe experiencing grace is what allows us to either attract or draw towards more “real” friends. It’s probably because we no longer keep people at a distance. We’re no longer afraid of being hurt and no longer feeling the need to protect ourselves from disappointment. I’m not saying the friends I had before were not good friends. I’m simply saying: it was me. I was the one who never allowed myself to be real with them and I missed out.
All this to say the Stegall’s are AMAZING friends. My heart is fuller knowing they’re a part of our lives for the LONG haul… not just for the convenience of today. They are here to stay. And WE are here to stay.
I am just beginning to understand and FEEL what unconditional love is SUPPOSED to feel like. And it’s good. Our friends are no longer just our “friends”… they are also our family.
The road we are journeying is a LONG road. Today, I’m taking a break on the hill…
… laying in the soft grass
… staring at the big blue endless sky
… thanking God for the grace He keeps extending me in the form of friends that ARE family
… and celebrating the births of friends, family & new marriages.
God is good.
Why don’t you take a break from your journey too?
and thank God together!
Happy 1st Birthday, Paxton!!!
Today is Paxton’s FIRST birthday.
His first year of life has flown by, but it’s as if he’s ALWAYS been a part of our lives.
Pax has got 6 visible teeth right now — 4 on top and 2 on the bottom. He’s walking EVERYWHERE and can get up the stairs in less than 5 seconds. His talking sounds like gurgling and babbling ALWAYS brings a smile to Brian and my face.
He’s gonna be a big blogger, obviously!
Paxton Joel,
YOU are cherished. You help me look outside myself. You give Mommy hope that I can be a better person… for you, for Chance, for Daddy AND for myself. Your smile melts my heart. Your cry breaks me into a million pieces. All I want to do is make your world right for you. And I know I don’t have that kind of control, so I just hold you… and drink in your presence.
“Pax” means “peace” and you have brought JUST that into our lives. You have no idea the kind of restoration you’ve brought into Mommy & Daddy’s life just by existing. I thank God EVERY DAY for letting me be a part of your life. There is NOTHING you could ever do to make me stop loving you. NOTHING!!! And when I forget to tell you I’m proud of you, or that I love you… I hope you’ll know by my actions that you mean the world to me.
Happy first Birthday, sweet Paxton… my darling peacemaker. You came just in time.
Love Forever and a Day,
Mommy
Halloween
Just thought I’d post some photos of our night trick-or-treating with the Smith’s.
The kids had so much fun… and it was just great to see Paula, Jason and Morgan again.
We stopped by our old house, and the new owners let us come in to see all their new upgrades. Their kitchen is EXACTLY what I would have done if we were still living there. I won’t lie… my heart hurt. That was the house Chance came home to. *sigh*
Other than that, it was an amazingly fun evening.
Oh… and that third to last photo is of the Johnson twins feeling Chance up. They liked his superhero “boobies” too, I guess.
What did YOU dress (your kids) up as on Saturday?
The First Call
Many have the most amazing relationships with their siblings.
(Me, Helen & Renee on my Mom’s Porch Swing)
I do… with one of them. Helen and I have always gotten along and have never fought. It may be that she’s 6 years younger than me and her personality is pretty rad. I mean… she really gets along with just about everyone. She’s the peacemaker in our family.
My other sister, Renee, is two years younger than me. She and I are just about as polar opposites as you can get. If it weren’t for the fact that we’re sisters, we would most likely have nothing to do with each other.
Renee likes to give and receive gifts. I could care less about gifts. She talks in circles. I get straight to the point. She is VERY considerate of those around her and extremely inclusive. I am INconsiderate most of the time and pretty exclusive. She’s a dreamer. I’m so practical, I’m like Debbie Downer.
I have spent 20 of my 30 years writing Renee off. I gave up on us ever having “that kind” of relationship because we were just too different. We’re both not very careful with our tongues… she just keeps talking so eventually something hurtful comes out, and I just am quick to speak with her and painfully blunt… so we hurt each other.
Well… it’s time for some brutal honesty.
Last week, in my personal quiet time, I realized that I have hurt her more than she’s hurt me. I’m older… I’m not as sensitive… and I just had that wall up so high, I never thought who else I was keeping out. I was so busy building my walls and protecting myself, I locked someone important out to fend for herself in the gale-force winds and merciless storms. I abandoned my little sister… who needed me to protect her, invite her in and love her. In my doing “nothing”, I told her she was WORTH nothing to me.
I failed…
It’s time for me to mend what I broke. I know I’m not responsible for what choices she makes… but I AM responsible for what I hurl at her and what I throw in “her pool”. I need to stop littering.
So, I called her and told her I wanted more for our relationship than just to talk of the weather and my kids (that’s seriously all we ever talked about which is VASTLY different than what Helen and I talk about). She said she’s not sure she’s ready for this since I’ve given her NOTHING to trust that I won’t stomp all over her heart again.
She’s right… but what she doesn’t know is that I’m determined to become a safe place for her. It will probably take years. Maybe even a million… but the healing God has blessed me with after I hit rock bottom is not only for me. I cannot in good conscience live life changed and not make things right in the people I have wronged.
So, I called her… and I will call her again… and again.
I failed…
… but I am NOT a failure.
What relationships in your life do you need to make the first call?
Fire Safety & Birth Control
Another peek into our life the morning of Halloween.
Fire Safety… Chance Clayville style. Take notes, y’all…
And for all you people who think having kids is all daisies and sunshine… welcome to REAL life…
*sigh*
My Family’s Historian
Some people joke about our family having a photo shoot every other week.
Yes. we have a lot. Maybe not THAT much, but we have a few a year.
Here’s the deal: I am the CEO of my home. That makes me my family’s historian as well. If I don’t document as many family moments as possible, who’s gonna do it, right?
We actually take a lot of photos and videos of our kids, but what happens is we end up having lots of pictures… with one of us missing. Usually me. HA.
Anyway… our friend AND Portland photographer of choice is Kimberly Whipps (Barefoot Photography). She actually helps sponsor JenniClayville.com and is responsible for the amazing rotating banner you see on the home page.
We had our winter/Christmas card photos taken last weekend.
You can CLICK HERE to see some more of them.
If you live in the Portland area and want to capture some amazing moments with your family to keep FOREVER… contact her NOW. You will NOT be disappointed.
Thanks, Kimberly, for capturing some crazy Clayville moments. I love that you just laugh and hang out with us. You are AH-MAZ-ING and I am blessed to call you “friend”!
A Peek Into Our Evenings
Just thought I’d post a video of a bit of our night tonight. After all… my blog is part “mom-blog” ya know?
I can’t believe Paxton is almost a year old.
Life flies by. Don’t waste a minute!
Painting Pumpkins 2009
We painted our very first pumpkins last year. This year, we decided to follow the tradition.
Here’s Chance painting his pumpkin WHITE… Apparently, the WHOLE base of the pumpkin needed to be white “because Daddy’s white.” — seriously… that’s what he said.
I think the whites of the eyes are always a bit freaky looking before I add the pupils.
I dunno what you think… but I think that’s a pretty happy looking pumpkin.
I was letting this dry and tending to Paxton for a couple minutes. When I got back…
… I found THIS painted to the side. I left it cuz it was so cute.
My sons are happy. My husband is happy. My family is happy. This makes ME happy.
You see… we’re painting more than just pumpkins over here. We’re painting our future… one brushstroke at a time. However, I can tell you I don’t paint so well, so I’m letting God guide my strokes.
Of course, I still fight for control over the paintbrush sometimes… but He is faithful and constant, ready to step back in whenever I invite Him to.
I can’t wait to see what the final product of our family is going to look like.
Our Story (Part Four)
We shared our story with our church.
Our church wept with us. Our church celebrated our choice to fight the odds. We were prayed over, accepted, embraced and supported. We partially expected judgement, but instead, we received grace.
Brian and I were blown away by the amazing response.
We’ve experienced a death. A death in our old marriage. Our counselor wisely said, “I know you guys aren’t looking at divorce as an option, but a divorce MUST happen. You must divorce your old marriage and start new.” We still have bad days… this isn’t magic, but I can honestly say that we have WAY more good days than we ever had… even before the affair.
You may be wondering why I decided to “come out” with my secret. After all… no one would have ever known. You’re right. But God knew… and I knew. Not only was I NOT immune to an affair, but I was VERY capable of one. I really had to destroy any and ALL chances of this ever happening again. This was how. God’s desire for us is to live in truth… in the light. Nothing that lives in darkness can survive.
“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” ~Matthew 23:27
I was destroying myself with my secret. It was time to clean the tomb out. Besides, I didn’t need a tomb because Christ offers LIFE that’s eternal.
I’d like to say that this story has a fairy tale ending… a “Happily Ever After.” However, it’s more like a “Once upon a time…”
Even though there is still hurt and pain swirling around us, we knew it was time to break the lineage to generational sin. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me in revealing my ugly truth, but I knew I needed to FINALLY obey God, no matter the cost to me.
I can actually SEE God blessing our family because of our obedience. Brian and I are closer than we’ve ever been… EVER. We’ve been married since 2001. I’m not saying life is perfect or that we don’t fall into some of our old patterns, but OVERALL, I have never experienced life, love or joy like this.
It’s going to continually be up and down for us… but I KNOW I’m truly, honestly living an authentic life with no secrets holding me down.
God is healing Brian.
God is redeeming me.
God is restoring us to something greater than it ever was before.
Besides experiencing a REAL marriage and life with Brian, the best of all this is how deeply I’ve found myself falling for Jesus. I’ll be honest… I don’t always invite him into every part of my day. I sometimes feel like I need to protect JESUS from my dysfunction – as if Jesus needs to be protected from anything, but the good thing is I’m inviting him in more and more… and he is cleaning house!
In all of this, I no longer question if I married the “right” man. I now know, the “deep” feelings I had for that other man, though it felt VERY real at the time, was really just my projected need to be loved and desired. Brian has stepped up and become that. Or… maybe he’s been that the whole time, but I just didn’t let him in.
Brian KNOWS my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
Brian finishes my sentences.
Brian knows my thoughts just by looking at me.
Brian pursues me.
But GOD gives me confidence in all of this. Confidence in Brian.
We are very much still in the healing process and we have only made it to this point by the grace of God and the constant, unrelenting prayers of our friends and family.
“But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the doors of the jail and brought them out. “Go, stand in the temple courts,” he said, “and tell the people the full message of this new life.”
~ Acts 5:19-21
We’re hoping that by us sharing our story WHILE we’re in the midst of healing, that you can see the hope that is Christ Jesus. We hope you can see redemption is real and very possible for all of us no matter how ugly the sin looks. Our desire is you will stop hiding…
Believe it or not… you’re not alone.
You’re FAR from being alone.
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To read OUR STORY from beginning to end:
Our Story (Part Three)
Guest posted by: Brian Clayville
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The very thought of this was overwhelmingly humiliating for both of us. Jenni had just conquered several years worth of fear by telling me her most painful secret and now a week later, I was asking her to expose this ugliness to all those closest to us. She shut down in fear…
… but not for long.
Within 24 hours, Jenni did as I asked. Our Pastor and his wife, Matt & Cindy, were at our house the next night. Jenni shared her story boldly, even though she knew she could lose her job as the Worship Pastor at Church at Bethany. This was a big deal because we really needed this income. Our fear was quickly quieted and Jenni’s willingness to be honest was embraced. Matt and Cindy were gracious, forgiving and supportive. Not only did they choose to keep Jenni on staff, but they really helped us in many ways through our healing process. I can’t say many people in church leadership are like this.
Over the next few days, Jenni called our closest friends… the ones she had lied to and confessed her story. One of her first calls was to the wife of the man she had the affair with. That’s a whole different story, but I can tell you that she forgave Jenni and they are actively working through an amazing restoration in their friendship. The reaction from the rest of our friends and family were varied but most were very forgiving and full of grace. I was and still am so proud of her for being willing to risk so much and to be so vulnerable.
The months following didn’t get any easier. I guess you can say I was going through the grieving process. I pulled back from life. Several times, I wanted to give up on our marriage and just escape the pain. Maybe a handful of people checked in on me or called to encourage me… but this was rare. I’m not saying this is their fault, but the reality is people didn’t know what to do or what to say, so they just did nothing. Jenni and I had counseling but that was only an hour every week.
I felt abandoned.
The worst part was how distant I felt from God. I withdrew from Him just as I did from most people in my life. He felt so distant and irrelevant to me that I could not bring myself to pray or seek him with any consistency.
Finally, in mid-August, I knew it was time to stop focusing on my pain. It was MY turn to heal. It was time to come out of this desert. I asked God to use my horrible reality for his Glory. It was not clear to me what that meant or how I would do it, but I MADE that decision.
Jenni arranged a last minute trip to my parents’ house in La Grande. We spent a lot of time praying, being quiet and just BEING together. I found God again… right where I had left him. This weekend away became an instrumental time for our marriage. We were healing. Not just the pretend-stuff-it-under-the-rug “healing”… but we were falling in love again. Me and God… and me and Jenni.
We came home with a new hope, a new goal and a new future. We were like newlyweds. Everything was actually good, which was amazing because there was a time when I truly wondered if anything would ever be “good” again. My marriage was… no… is GREAT!
This was when God decided to do as I had asked – use my horrible reality for His Glory. In my quiet time with God, He spoke:
“It’s time for you to share your story…”
“WHAT??? Jen will NEVER go with this! She had a hard enough time telling those closest to us!” I argued back. But God was going before us in a way I had never imagined.
Jenni came home from her staff meeting that day and said, “Matt wants us to share our story at church… and I think it’s time.”
We knew this was God ordained. We knew it was time to finally obey God completely with our marriage. We were scared spitless. EVERYONE was going to know. EVERYONE was going to judge us… judge Jenni…
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Read Our Story in order here:
Our Story (Part Two)
Brian, my better half, is going to “guest-blog” and write the next two parts of our story:
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When Jenni broke the news to me, I was devastated to say the least.
I went and stayed with my friend, Todd, who had recently been through some hard times of his own. For the next few days, Todd gave me a safe place to talk, pray and have a quiet place to rest.
He listened to my story.
He comforted me.
He gave me space to process.
In my own reflection, I felt like such a small man. I had been too weak to confront issues that had obviously been inappropriate. Why had I not set stronger boundaries… been more protective and jealous? How could I have not seen this happening with my wife? After all… this was MY WIFE.
The next few weeks were an emotional roller coaster. There were days, I totally blamed Jenni and the other man (who was my friend). ”How could they have done this to me?” Those days, I just wanted a divorce because I thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore. However, there were also days where I just celebrated the fact that Jenni had finally been truthful with me. Though the news was devastating, she ultimately chose to honor me… risking everything by telling me about her affair.
I realized that I had come very close to losing the love of my life.
You see, Jenni grew up in an emotionally abusive home and had a lot of emotional scars that needed to heal. This didn’t stop at childhood. I have actually witnessed this during the time of our marriage. My wife had been walking on eggshells for 30 years. This caused her to build walls around herself for protection. She was ready for conflict at all times… even if she didn’t need to be. She NEVER felt safe, protected, or truly loved unconditionally. I didn’t know how to provide all she needed. Nor was I capable at that time.
Todd challenged me to stay by her and love her through the process. He reminded me that my boys needed a father AND mother working together to be Godly role models. That’s when I finally made the decision:
I wanted to make our marriage work.
The work of processing through where I had failed in our marriage looked me straight in the eyes. What I saw in myself was revealing and uncomfortable.
I rarely ever pursued Jenni.
I avoided anything that felt like conflict with her.
I never attempted heart felt communication with her.
I was not jealous enough as a husband and best friend to seek her full attention.
By not saying anything, I told Jenni she didn’t matter enough to me for me to fight for her. I didn’t protect her OR cherish her. Though she was the one who chose to splinter from our marriage vows, I knew I too was responsible for the breakdown of our marriage.
But the more I thought about this three year secret that had just surfaced, the more I realized I wasn’t the only person Jenni had hidden this part of her life from. For lack of better words, Jenni had lied to many of our close friends and family too. I asked her if she would go and tell them the truth.
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Our Story – Part One
Jenni on Skype: jclayville 
