Prodigal Son – Part Two
Our Sunday Setlist was:
- Glory to God – Steve Fee & Vicky Beeching
- O Worship The King – Chris Tomlin Version
- King of Glory – Chris Tomlin
- Hallelujah – Tenth Avenue North (Response)
- We Will Worship You – Carlos Whittaker, Jason Ingram & Mia Fieldes
- Mighty To Save – Reuben Morgan
Despite one new song (Carlos’) and another “newer” song, it felt as though people were really singing out, worshiping together and praising the One who made this all to be. I was also extremely pleased with how the music pieces fit in well with the sermon.
Today, at Church at Bethany, we continued Part Two of our series, “Finding Your Way Back To God” (CLICK HERE for last weeks’ story). Matt’s talk today was titled, “This Isn’t What I Want” and it featured my good friend, Mikey, who finally got to share her story with our church.
Mikey has always been the “good girl” so when her life started to unravel, to her own doing, she was unequipped to handle it.
She ran.
She hid.
She ignored it.
Then… she found her place of safety. Watch the first part of her story below:
Mikey is in a COMPLETELY different place in her life now. Her realization that she DIDN’T have to live a life she didn’t want overruled the lies that told her that she was doomed to the consequences of her choices. Truth spoke loud and clear. She lives not only with integrity and strong conviction now, but she lives in search of REAL LIFE accountability. She repented of her mistakes, turned 180* from them and willingly chose to start over… which is more difficult to do than to just SAY to do.
I’m SO proud of her for sharing her story so boldly. I know it was one of the scariest things she’s ever done… but she did it anyway, in hopes that she can help even ONE person find their way back to God.
So how about you?
What in YOUR life do you NOT WANT?
And when are YOU gonna start over?
She’s Dying…
Vicki… Allison’s mother, is dying.
Alli is one of my closest friends… and her mother has ALWAYS been HER best friend. And, quite literally, at any minute, Vicki will be with Jesus. My heart hurts for Alli.
In all this happening so close to me, I keep trying to understand how she’s feeling…
… but I can’t.
I wish I could… but I just can’t. It feels as if I almost have an emotional barrier up that I can’t tear down because I don’t have the right tools.
I mean, I cry for Alli because I SEE she’s hurting and I pray for their family because I know they are devastated. They want MANY more years with Vicki… but won’t have it. But hurting FOR her is very different than feeling and understanding it for MYSELF.
My mother and I have never been close. I’m quite certain my mother never really wanted children… but she got us, so she did the best she could, which unfortunately, wasn’t all that great. I can’t speak for my sisters… but there’s a piece of love that I don’t understand or FEEL. I know HOW to love (to the best of my ability). I mean… I LOVE my husband and I LOVE my sons… but I don’t know how to RECEIVE love.
Part of me believes if I allow myself to receive love, then I’ll owe that person something I don’t want to give up later. Another part believes I’m not worthy of said love. And finally… the majority of me just doesn’t know how to accept it. Quite literally… I don’t know what to do with it once I’ve been handed a piece of someone’s heart. Weird? Yeah, I know.
Vicki OBVIOUSLY was and is an amazing mother and person. I remember a few years back, I “won” something from Jay (Alli’s husband) and as part of the gift, Vicki baked me some goods. She was sick, and REALLY didn’t need to bake me anything, but she did… out of love.
I want to be like Vicki.
I want to leave an incomparable legacy with Chance and Paxton.
I want my grandchildren to cherish my words to them.
I want to LOVE like Vicki…
… but more importantly… I want to BE loved like Vicki.
However, right now, I’m not allowing anyone to REALLY do that. Not even God. And without love… I’m dying.
I know I can be healed though. I know… and I also know, that very soon… Vicki’s body will be healed. Not her physical body… but the body that gets to live eternally with Jesus. An unbroken, unhurting, PERFECT body.
Please pray with me for the Whipps’ Family and everyone who’s connected to them.
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UPDATE: I got the word tonight, Friday, February 12th, that Vicki has gone to be with Jesus. Her pain is gone… but Alli’s isn’t. Please continue praying for the Whipps’ Family.
Sara Frankl: Just “BE”
Today’s guest post is by my friend, Sara Frankl, AKA “Gitzengirl” to the twitter/blog world.
Sara is one of the most loving and caring people I know, despite her circumstance. You see… Sara is sick. She’s been diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis and Cushing’s Disease which pretty much means she hurts ALL THE TIME and her immune system is shot. Just stepping outside her front door could mean weeks of being sick for her.
She says she’s “just a girl who used to write for a magazine to make a living…” But I would argue that she’s far from “just a girl”.
“Gitz”, as we lovingly call her, clearly chooses joy every day and helps us realize being homebound doesn’t limit your life… just your location. She teaches me life isn’t about adapting… it’s about living in the present so adaptation isn’t necessary. She reminds me to see the beauty in all my situations.
I have a lot to learn from Sara… and I’m fortunately blessed to call her “friend”.
Without further adieu, I give you… SARA!
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God, being who He is, must always be sought for Himself, never as a means toward something else. -AW Tozer
My friend Susie and I are slightly obsessed with the show Brothers and Sisters. The crazier the family gets, the more we seem to be enthralled… so it was no surprise when she called me one night after the first commercial starting sentences with, “Can you believe…” and “They are insane…” and “How funny was…”
Never at a loss for words, Susie and I rambled on through the commercials and immediately shushed each other when the show came back on. The funny thing was, we didn’t hang up.
And we didn’t even notice that we were sitting in silence on the phone, watching a television show together while not saying a word. Sometimes it’s nice to just “be” with someone… even when distance separates you.
I had an experience the last couple of weeks that took up most of my conscious thoughts. Because I am homebound with a serious illness, healthcare can be tricky and I ran into a medical roadblock that seemed pretty insurmountable. Coming up with a solution proved to be a rollercoaster, and to say that my life was consumed with prayer would be an understatement.
My eyes would open in the morning and I’d be talking to God, asking him to give me the strength to face whatever the day brought for me. Throughout the day I’d thank Him for being faithful and loving me. When my thoughts would return to the situation at hand, I would ask Him to touch the hearts of the medical professionals I needed to help me, and in the next breath would ask Him to touch my heart so I could accept whatever outcome He thought was best for me.
I wanted. I thanked. I wanted. I thanked. I talked. I listened. And then I talked some more. I was so drawn to stay in conversation with Him, but at the same time I was so sick saying what I already knew He heard, and what I already knew He had taken care of. I just didn’t know the outcome yet.
Then I had a moment… sitting in front of the fireplace with my pup… when it felt like that night on the phone with Susie. I had stopped talking, stopped listening, stopped thinking. But I hadn’t hung up. I realized I was being drawn, not to keep talking to Him, but to “be” with Him. To just rest in His presence and know I was ok.
I don’t normally do that. I seem to have a need to fill up the space with God. To actively talk, actively listen, actively praise. But that night I realized I needed Him in the same way I need my best friend. Sometimes I just need to be understood without saying a word, sometimes I need to just not be alone.
If this medical crisis taught me nothing else, it taught me that sometimes prayer has nothing to do with speaking or listening. It’s trusting Him enough to simply rest in His presence.
Things For Restoration
As most of you know, Justin & Trish are good friends of ours. They played a HUGE part in the restoration of Brian and my marriage after my affair.
Today… Justin wrote an amazing post about the steps you NEED to take if you truly want restoration in your marriage and in your life.
- Totally surrender and repent before God
- Cut all ties with the person whom you have had the affair
- Submit every minute of your life to a trusted friend
- Get to a Christian counselor that specializes in marriage restoration
- Come clean early and often as you try to rebuild trust
- Be willing to do whatever it takes to restore your marriage
I posted his points here but you REALLY need to read everything in between for the full picture. CLICK HERE to read all of it.
With that said… I’d just like to add this:
It’s about MORE than just your marriage (and if you’re not married… your FUTURE marriage)… it’s about your relationship with GOD. When I was choosing my affair, I was not only giving my husband and family my sloppy seconds… but giving God even less. That’s not His desire for us.
God desires for us to be completely united with Him first and foremost.
He wants to bless us with the most amazing gifts.
He wants to break our hearts with the things that break His.
He wants us to see compassion through His eyes.
He wants us to feel community the way He does with Jesus and the Spirit.
He wants us to experience life the way He intended us to… without barriers.
When we choose something/someone else before Him… we don’t get to live within our true potential or purpose. We lose ourselves… and THAT… is devastating.
Go… Read… Soak it in…
… CHANGE.
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Update: For Trisha’s response… CLICK HERE!
2010: The Last Decade
It’s the New Year… and to commemorate this *exciting* tenth year past 2000, I thought I’d document the last decade of my life on one post. A lot has happened…
Let’s begin.
2000:
- I moved from Seattle to Portland, knowing NO one.
- Met Brian in February.
- Started working in Radio Marketing.
- Got engaged in December.
2001:
- Bought our condo.
- Got married on May 27th.
2002:
- Found out we were “infertile”.
- Lost a couple of babies in miscarriages.
2003:
- Left Marketing behind and started Full-Time Ministry at Sunset.
- Lost another baby.
- Bought our first “house” in Bethany.
2004:
- Started Blogging.
- Started the Adoption Process.
- Found out we were pregnant in December. Didn’t move for 3 months.
- Abandoned the Adoption Process for now.
2005:
- Chance was born on September 1st.
2006:
- Left FT Ministry to stay home with Chance.
- I stepped into an affair.
2007:
- Sold my dream house & moved to Hillsboro.
- Filled in at the Interim Student Worship Director at Sunset for a year.
2008:
- We moved… again… back to Bethany area.
- My sister, Renee, married Jason in July.
- Started as the Worship Pastor at Church! at Bethany.
- Paxton was born on November 6th.
- We moved… again… to a temporary house.
2009:
- Told Brian about my infidelity.
- Went back into counseling.
- Scott died.
- We moved… again… for the last time in 3 years to Beaverton.
- Wondered if our marriage was going to make it… daily.
- Went public (church & blog) about my affair.
- Started finally experiencing a REAL marriage with my husband.
- Turned 31.
- Discovered what grace REALLY looks and feels like.
- Healing… and living… maybe for the first time ever.
- My baby sister, Helen, announced her engagement to Jesse.
What is in store for us in 2010? I have no idea… but I have never look more optimistically at an upcoming year.
In the last ten years, it feels as if my life was only beginning. I fell… many times… more times than I really care to admit. I remember MANY very specific moments of just wanting to lay there and never get up again. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to die in my shame and pain. But somehow, I found my way back on my feet. To stand as a sinner… to face the consequences… to deal with the ROOT issues (not just what seemed to be)… and maybe the most difficult hurdle of all:
… to allow undeserved grace to wash over me.
… to be redeemed & restored.
This year, 2010, I look forward to:
- Continued restoration in my marriage.
- Healing in other relationships.
- Many rich and full moments with my family.
- Deepening the bond with my amazing girlfriends from all over.
- Learning how to love more freely and with reckless abandon.
- Owning my first spaceship (you still there?)
God is good… all the time.
… even when it doesn’t feel like it.
… especially when it doesn’t feel like it.
What are 10 words (less or more) that describe your LAST decade?
Clayville & Stegall = CLAYGALL
Our good friends, Mark & Cathi Stegall came and stayed with Brian, Chance, Paxton & me for New Years weekend. We sat around our dinner table and just let the camera roll.
He said and she said videos are available for your entertainment and education (not really)…
First… “SHE SAID” (starring Cathi & Jenni):
Now… “HE SAID” (starring Brian & Mark):
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year
The Stegall’s are spending the New Year with us for the new decade.
Here’s a snippet Mark’s thoughts while we were on the road yesterday…
How was YOUR New Years?
… and…
What did you think 2010 would be like?
12.5 Hours…
… of love will get you this:
Man, I love Tam.
What happens to you when you are so exhausted that you become delirious?
Break-IN
Yesterday… I went to go pick up my son, Chance, from school.
Within 3 minutes, I received DM’s (Direct Messages from Twitter) from friends that said, “I think your Twitter account has been hacked.”
See these two:
Let me lovingly introduce you to… Jay McKenney (@jaymckenney) & Tyler Braun (@tylerbraun).
I am SO glad I take photos of EVERYTHING and keep them all filed away for moments such as these. These two wonderful boys “broke” into my house and had some fun.
To be honest, I probably deserved it from Jay. We’ve been pranking each other for YEARS. I’ve played PLENTY of pranks on him… including the all famous “TIN FOIL” incident… when a team of us tinfoiled every last surface of his office. It was epic. However… Tyler is a new player. He and his wife, Rose, were in our small group when we were at our last church and we’ve never pranked each other because they’re just so sweet. But apparently, Ty has been hanging out WAY to much with Jay.
Anyway…
I quickly logged on from my iPhone to see what was going on and saw these following EIGHT tweets posted. I tried to clear up what I could from my iPhone, but could only do so much. You can click on the photo below for an enlarged view (I’ve conveniently marked which ones were NOT mine and which ones were… Tweetdeck = Jay. Echofon = ME).
I quickly realized I hadn’t been “hacked”… but THEY were in my HOUSE. Ok… I didn’t know Ty was there till a bit later… but these tweets had “Jay McKenney” written all over them. I immediately called Jay. But he wouldn’t pick up. Of course not. Who picks up the phone when they are doing evil work? So, I called my neighbor, Laura… who by the way, is the WORST liar in the world… and figured it all out.
Chance and I rushed home and found our home VIOLATED!
While Jay was twitter-pranking and changing settings on my laptop (trying to steal passwords so he could do it from home as well… jerk), Tyler ran around the house and re-arranged as much as he could. He did good. We found:
- the couches turned TOWARDS the walls
- my earbuds IN my guitar
- the ice cream IN the fridge, not the freezer
- our bread IN the freezer
- candles that were once evenly situated, grouped in one bundle
- sheet music hidden
VIOLATED…
… but not for long. My vengeance is coming.
Oh… and I believe that God is blessing me at this moment. I have some pretty creative ideas… that’s the core of who I am… BUT the ideas that are stirring within me are SO AMAZINGLY fantastic right now that I know they MUST be from God Himself.
Stay tuned… no one knows when it’s coming… but when it hits — it will be UNMISTAKABLY glorious.
What’s the best prank you’ve ever played?
OR
What’s the best prank ever played on YOU?
Tam’s 39th
This past weekend, we went to down to surprise Tammy for her 39th birthday.
We (Cathi, Mark, Lynse, Kristen, Brent, Brian & I) planned this out a month for this… and this is what happened:
To view Brent’s view of the whole thing, click on this link: Tam’s Surprise
We love you, Tam! I’m so glad you were born 39 years ago… and so blessed to call you friend.
Alece Ronzino: I’m Exhaustulated
Meet Alece.
She’s real. She’s raw. She’s AH-MAZ-ING!
Alece’s story humbles me. Her mission inspires me. The example her life exudes pushes me to be more gracious, loving and prayerful towards others… even the ones who are not kind to me.
Thank you, Alece, for revealing your heart here today. I’m so humbled to call you “friend”.
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I was reading along in Isaiah when I tripped over this phrase: “You have not wearied yourselves for Me, O Israel.” I brushed off my knees and copped a squat right there. I knew exactly what God was talking about. And I knew I was just as guilty as Israel was.
After over eleven years in full-time ministry, I know full-well what it’s like to weary myself. I’ve put in the ridiculously long hours. I’ve juggled an impossible schedule. I’ve reached the point of burnout and lived to tell about it.
And as I fall in bed exhausted at the end of a long day week month year decade, my heart sighs, “I’m weary…”
If I listen closely enough, I hear God’s voice, ever loving and gentle. “But you haven’t wearied yourself for Me.”
Without even realizing it, I’ve been wearing my exhaustion like a badge of honor. My demanding schedule and ever-growing to do lists became my identity. As if fatigue is the mark of an accomplished missionary.
If I’m most honest, I wearied myself because I thought my value lay in my productivity. I mistook accomplishments for significance. I bought into the lie that busyness is the telltale sign of successful leadership.
But while I was getting stuff done, and even—by God’s grace—impacting lives, I was ultimately toiling for the wrong reasons.
The work of discipling young leaders in Africa is worth every ounce of my effort and energy. I want to tire myself out doing what I love. But I need to keep the motives of my heart in check. Wearying myself for some self-serving purpose is just plain tiring.
I want to weary myself for Him.
Then and only then am I strengthened.
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What do you weary yourself over?
Celebrating Births
This weekend was a FUN weekend.
The Stegall’s (Mark & Cathi) came up to Portland for Mark’s birthday, so we celebrated Mark (30), Paxton (1) & Brian’s (35) birthday all in one weekend. Well… we’ll be celebrating Brian’s again later since his wasn’t actually ON this weekend, but you know, celebrate as often as you can, right?
Thought I’d post some photos from this weekend:
It used to be rare for us to meet couples and immediately bond like superglue. Brian and I each had our separate friends that were AMAZING, but finding a couple that we really both felt we connected with equally was pretty rare. One of us would usually feel connected with the other couple while the other one would feel “meh”.
However, in the last year, Brian and I have found a good handful of couples we both not only connect with, but connect DEEPLY with.
I’m not sure if it’s because we went through such a huge life change or if we’re just more aware of ourselves now with nothing to hide. Maybe it’s both. Maybe experiencing grace is what allows us to either attract or draw towards more “real” friends. It’s probably because we no longer keep people at a distance. We’re no longer afraid of being hurt and no longer feeling the need to protect ourselves from disappointment. I’m not saying the friends I had before were not good friends. I’m simply saying: it was me. I was the one who never allowed myself to be real with them and I missed out.
All this to say the Stegall’s are AMAZING friends. My heart is fuller knowing they’re a part of our lives for the LONG haul… not just for the convenience of today. They are here to stay. And WE are here to stay.
I am just beginning to understand and FEEL what unconditional love is SUPPOSED to feel like. And it’s good. Our friends are no longer just our “friends”… they are also our family.
The road we are journeying is a LONG road. Today, I’m taking a break on the hill…
… laying in the soft grass
… staring at the big blue endless sky
… thanking God for the grace He keeps extending me in the form of friends that ARE family
… and celebrating the births of friends, family & new marriages.
God is good.
Why don’t you take a break from your journey too?
and thank God together!
Grace Is For Sinners
Serena Woods is the author of Grace Is For Sinners.
Here is a woman who has experienced far more than her allotted portion of life and still stands tall to tell her story. Instead of blaming her circumstances and sitting dormantly bitter, she’s openly chosen AND choosing life.
Serena is a woman of passion, love, grace and forgiveness. She has boldly shared her story and experiences at graceisforsinners.com with all of us so that maybe… JUST maybe OUR stories can turn out less marred.
Thanks Serena, for posting your wisdom here today!
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Remembering who we are is one of the hardest things to do.
The experiences we have in flesh and blood distract us from the experiences that take place in the spirit, the ‘wind hovering over the water’ life.
It’s hard to rip the flesh out of the equation. Needs make us aware of the ability in our hands. Passion makes us aware of the energy in our shapes. Dreams make us aware of the potential in our time. Pain makes us aware of the energy in our tears. Anger makes us sense the power of our fists. We use God like a shovel. We wear God like cheap perfume. We use oils and chants as though God were a genie. Our sense of entitlement thinks God wouldn’t want us to cry. Our so called righteous indignation uses God like brass knuckles.
When will we see that the flesh is separate from the spirit? We have the freedom to move about the world and all of its experiences without being bound to them. Things in this life do not sustain us because their loss cannot break us. We navigate our lives choosing liberation or capture.
It’s not about choosing right for the sake of choosing right. You’re choosing freedom. Not freedom from pain, failure, consequences or punishment. These are all things that have to do with the flesh. Flesh is relative and based on perspective.
Freedom has to do with the spirit. Nothing in the here and now should be used to navigate you. Only distract you. You have a force working against your freedom. An enemy who wants you to feel not only pain, guilt and uncertainty, but also relief, success and security. We are distracted by all of those things. We are tied to all of those things. We are held captive by our flesh in more ways than we know.
The power of the wind. An invisible force gentle enough to make chimes sing. Sturdy enough for birds to rest their wings. Strong enough to put a farmer’s tractor in the trees. The power of the wind hints at a terrifying and awesome invisible made visible by the effects it has on what we can actually see.
Flesh is only a whisper, not an infallible entity. Don’t submit to things that die with passing time. It’ll never be fascinating enough to hold you and it will never be simple enough to make you understand.
“You’re not listening. Let me say it again. Unless a person submits to this original creation—the ‘wind-hovering-over- the-water’ creation, the invisible moving the visible, a baptism into a new life—it’s not possible to enter God’s kingdom. When you look at a baby, it’s just that: a body you can look at and touch. But the person who takes shape within is formed by something you can’t see and touch—the Spirit—and becomes a living spirit.”
~ Jesus, John 3 5-6 MSG
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oh… P.S. – Serena & I did a blog swap today. Serena is hosting “Affair Week” at GraceIsForSinners.com so make sure you come on over and visit me.
wow… those were definitely words I never thought I’d say.
Halloween
Just thought I’d post some photos of our night trick-or-treating with the Smith’s.
The kids had so much fun… and it was just great to see Paula, Jason and Morgan again.
We stopped by our old house, and the new owners let us come in to see all their new upgrades. Their kitchen is EXACTLY what I would have done if we were still living there. I won’t lie… my heart hurt. That was the house Chance came home to. *sigh*
Other than that, it was an amazingly fun evening.
Oh… and that third to last photo is of the Johnson twins feeling Chance up. They liked his superhero “boobies” too, I guess.
What did YOU dress (your kids) up as on Saturday?
David Goodwin: Stereotyped?
Today’s post was written by my friend, David Goodwin.
David and his wife, Diane, are a part of my LifeGroup Online group. We’ve been meeting for over a year now and I can honestly say that David & Diane are a couple we have not only come to love deeply, but trust fully.
Just like me, David is the Worship Director at his church in Australia and better yet, sang in a barbershop quartet in high school. For those of you who don’t know… I did too.
David and Diane are not fair-weathered friends. They are faithful, constant, loving, merciful, strong, brave, gracious and forgiving. All the things I work towards being more of.
They have stood firmly in God’s word, encouraging and supporting me often but have also called me out in truth when needed. These two are my prayer warriors. I believe they are this way because they THEMSELVES have weathered the storm… many times.
Read these wise, grace-filled words… and take it to heart.
Without further adieu, please welcome… DAVID GOODWIN.
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I don’t talk about it. With anyone. Ever.
That’s mainly because I don’t think I want the consequences I think will come from talking about it. But I don’t know if those consequences are real or imagined. It’s not as though no-one knows, and a large percentage of people I meet assume what I’m about to say anyway, despite the factual evidence to the contrary.
However…
For most of my life, I was gay.
Or rather, I believed the lie that I was gay and nothing could be done about it.
That’s the first time I’ve ever written those words.
And I’m not making a song and dance about it (maybe I should…using “Single Ladies“ and the cast of Glee), but it’s a large part of my life testimony that’s essentially been torn out of the story book.
Until now.
Don’t misunderstand me, this is my past, not my future. My former self, not my current self. Who I was, not who I am.
While I was gay…
- I didn’t fully embrace the lifestyle, though I had opportunity…and wanted to.
- I didn’t cut off from my Christian family, though I moved far from them, partly for fear of rejection.
- I didn’t leave church physically, though I did emotionally and spiritually.
- I didn’t stop being a Christian. Sin doesn’t revoke salvation.
What I did do was allow spiritual oppression to come upon me. That’s OK. We all do that from time to time.
It’s not right, but it’s OK. (thanks Whitney…)
Wait. Isn’t homosexuality genetic? Well, despite this video clearly explaining from 1m40s onward that the Greeks invented gayness (ironic comedy people), the consensus on homosexuality is as clear as the science on evolution, but I’m not here to debate.
I’m just filling in some lifestory gaps.
I’ve always been camp. It’s who I was, who I still am, there’s nothing wrong with that. But for years, I let the lifestyle the world stereotypically associates with male sensitivity/creativity/propensity-to-break-out-in-Broadway-musicals-in-supermarkets override my God-given destiny.
And I knew something was wrong. That’s why I never went all in. The Holy Spirit within me kept nudging. Only I didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t have the knowledge I needed to understand this condition wasn’t “just the way it is”.
So I accepted a lie. A miserable, debauched lie. satan was having his way with me.
But God, in His grace and mercy, set people across my path who opened my eyes to battles taking place in the spiritual realm affecting our physical lives. All gleaned from Scripture, but I’d never seen it before. It all made sense.
How could I have been so blind?
(Yeah, dumb question in hindsight. satan’s aim is to find ways of blindfolding us from the Light. he’s good at it)
Armed with new knowledge (and fresh revelation of past experiences…like the time I was protected by a visible angel…another story…), I went into battle. With help from friends new and old, satan lost yet another fight. He didn’t go down quietly – he never does – but that’s why the weapons God gives us for warfare are strong and mighty for breaking down strongholds.
The mind-games satan played on me involved stereotypes. he uses these seemingly innocuous casts to convince us that you can’t break the mold.
So he tries all sorts of crap…
- you can’t be a straight man and understand the difference between stilettos and pumps.
- you can’t desire a woman and be interested in why she prefers Napoleon Perdis over M.A.C.
- and you can’t be a heterosexual male and not only understand what these books are saying, but also how to implement the advice therein for the greater good.
Except you can, and even though society is more accepting of the concept that being metrosexual and heterosexual can be mutually inclusive, what society accepts doesn’t matter.
It’s all about God. And I don’t want it any other way. He’s jealous, He loves me, and I love Him. I’m choosing the destiny He’s mapped out for me, often against the will of my flesh. Even though I don’t have the same battles as my former self, life presents new conflicts of will. In every instance, I want to be sure I choose Life over life.
After this battle was won He was able to set me on an entirely unexpected path. One where I’d meet my wife. Via the internet. And travel the world. And emigrate. And break into song in supermarkets together.
But much of that part of the story has been documented. With video. And fluorescent swirls on my shirt. I look hawt.
Trisha Davis
Trish and Justin Davis are good friends of ours that have played a MAJOR role in where Brian and I are today (you can read HERE how we met and how God orchestrated our lives to collide).
I am beyond grateful for my friendship with Trisha. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders, encouragers and prayer warriors in the past seven months. All this to say…
Trisha just launched her own personal blog.
YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS THIS.
Click over. Bookmark it. Subscribe.
She has amazing wisdom to share. Read and allow her words to penetrate your heart.
I love you, Trish! Thank you, for being my friend!
I’m Mourning
I am in mourning. It’s a dark place.
I’m mourning:
… the loss of my old marriage. :: When Brian and I decided to divorce our old marriage, we didn’t just divorce the bad, the affair, and the breakdown. Because so many of our good memories were mixed in with the timing of the affair, we had to knowingly divorce ALL the memories… including all the good ones. Everything was tainted.
… the loss of my old integrity. :: Before the affair, I can honestly say I really lived life as boldly as I could above reproach. People trusted me. People sought out my advice. The act of the affair destroyed ALL of that in one fell swoop. I’m starting over BELOW ground zero now.
… the loss of good friends. :: It’s always been easier for me to befriend guys than girls. I’ve only recently (in the last 4 years) connected with more women… but I could safely say that “my ladies” were less than 50% of my friend influence. Post-affair, I have realized I CAN NOT have close friendships with guys… so THAT 50% PLUS of my friendships must change… HAVE changed. I have therefore “lost” more than 50% of my friends.
But TODAY is a new day.
Today:
… I get to fall in love with Brian again. :: My new marriage to the same man has introduced a love I have never known before. I get to tell him, every day, that I choose him. I get to experience REAL life with him, unbound from the chains of my past secrets. I get to be loved to a degree I have never known till now.
… I get to live a life of TRUE Restoration. :: The integrity I had before was a false sense of self. It became my obsession… another thing I could “control”. It made my “fall” a much scarier, longer drop from grace. Restoration, however, has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with Jesus. I don’t get to control this… so I can’t mess this one up.
… I get to invest into a deeper love with my girlfriends. :: Not all girls are mean. In fact, I have found the women of my life to be quite wise, truth speaking and loyal. Irreplaceable, actually. I get to spend 50% more of my time discovering a REAL community.
Though I’m still in mourning… today is a new day. Today, I get to kick Satan in the jingles and say, “YOU DON’T GET TO WRITE MY STORY!” I know that mourning these losses WILL propel me forward to the new life I have awaiting me… a better life. Today, I choose to live in the light. And with that… I say…
“Good Morning!”
The light of the morning will not arrive until the dark of the night passes.
What are YOU trading in this morning?
SWAP: “Rubber Meets the Road”
Lynse Stevens is a sweet precious friend of mine.
Here’s a woman who has not only faced every blow life has had to give her head on and said, “You will not decide who I will become!” but she’s turned all of that energy towards flipping all the negative to show God’s amazing grace and love for us. She challenges all who have ever been “damaged” to step up and say, “I don’t have to stay damaged!”
We did a blog swap today so my writing is over there. Make sure you stop by!
You can check out more of her writing on her blog site at www.lynseleanne.com
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Have you ever felt broken?
not like the Godly broken….but like the nitty gritty broken. like you just dont work right. like there is something horribly wrong with you?
i have been spending some time feeling that way lately. i cant really pin point down where or why all of a sudden i feel this way. but it is an overwhelming sense that i am broken.
….but maybe that is a good place to be.
all of my life i have had it together. even through physical and sexual abuse, drug addictions, parents divorce…i have had it in control and i knew it.
but right now in this season i dont have it together…i cant seem to get it together. and because i am a control freak i feel like something is wrong…that i am broken.
but as i spend time in my journal and spend time in the Word i am seeing that this may be a good place to be. It may be rock bottom for me.
weekly facing my demons in counseling…and it hurts.out of money….and daddy cant help this time.without a job…and scared out of my mind cause 5 years of my life was wrapped up in the current one.
and i can not fix any of it….not one single bit of it.
only God can. and that scares me even more….because, frankly i have played a game. I have played Christian because it was my job, cause i knew it was “right”, cause i live in the south and thats what everyone does….but now the rubber meets the road….
do i believe that God can take this mess that I have made of my life and put it back together?
I think He can…in fact…i know He can.
Where does the rubber meet the road for you?
My Pool (Part Four)
After almost two years, the affair ended… as all do in one way or another. And there I was: alone with my thoughts.. I had been treading for almost 30 years in very murky, polluted waters.
All I ever wanted was to matter.
I wanted to be LOVED by someone…
I wanted to be GREAT at something…
I wanted to be REMEMBERED when I was gone…
And the truth was… I had MADE it. By the age of 30 I had attained everything I ever set out to acquire. So why did I feel like such a nobody?
My relationship with God was starting to pick up again. This was good except He wanted to heal me. The NERVE, right? He was starting to reveal root issues I had buried so deeply, I wasn’t even aware they existed. These were things I wasn’t ready to face.
My life was a swimming pool FULL of trash. God was helping me bring all of my rubbish to the surface, but it was up to me whether I wanted to use my net to fish it out. I knew if I were to grab the net, I would have to really look at the trash before I could destroy it once and for all. It was much easier to just push everything back down and just never swim in the pool.
On the outside, my life still looked fine. I accepted a new position at Church at Bethany as the Worship Pastor. Brian and I got pregnant and birthed another healthy little boy, Paxton. Chance started his first year of preschool. I was happy… but I should have been ecstatic about my life. My secrets were eating me alive. I was missing out on my OWN life and couldn’t recognize it.
You see… my pool wasn’t only for me. Brian, Chance, Paxton, our family, and all our friends were gathered around it… just waiting for me to give them the “ok” to jump in and play. And man, did they want to play… it’s always a hot day around here. But my pool was polluted and not safe for anyone to swim in.
It was time to clean my pool.
I told Brian about my affair, and the following 5 months were beyond painful. My pool had been stirred and now the waters looked murkier. I didn’t know if we were going to make it. By the looks of it, this mess was getting worse. This was NOT what I had signed up for.
As I was “fishing”, I began to get really angry. I noticed that though most of the trash was tossed in by ME, a LOT of it was from other people. However, I had a choice: to place blame and wait for “them” to come clean up their litter, or just take ownership and clean the parts that affected me. I was mourning some deep, deep issues for the first time. It hurt… but it was good..
While God was re-surfacing all my trash, and I was obediently fishing each and every item out one-by-one… my friends and loved ones had put a brand new filter in my pool. I didn’t know it at the time, but the friends and family we had told were intercessing on our behalf. They were helping me clean my pool without me even asking.
** Thank you, my dear friends. Even now, as I write this, I sit… tearfully and humbly thankful to each and every one of you. Thank you. **
My focus was tightly wrapped up in the rubbish I was taking out. I mourned each and every re-surfaced piece of trash I once treasured. I was permanently destroying the remnants of my garbage in a huge bonfire… when one day, Brian and I looked in and noticed the most amazing sight. Not only were the waters clean, but the once cluttered pool bottom was now cleared of ALL debris. And there stood Jesus, inviting us in with some floaty recliners and margaritas, complete with those cute little drink umbrellas made by underaged and underpaid third world children (you still there? just checkin’ to see if you’re still reading).
Friends… all of us have a pool. And if we don’t tend to it, it will become polluted and dirty, rendering it completely useless. I also want to reiterate that I didn’t do this alone. Christ was there, Brian was there, and friends were there.
This can’t happen overnight. It’s really grueling work that seems hopeless and never-ending at times. You don’t have to do it alone… but to get help, you need to be willing to show others how dirty your pool really is. I, for one, promise to help get you a filter for your pool if you tell me you need one.
I’m not saying my pool will be clean forever. Occasionally, trash will drift in and the water will get stagnant. I know Brian and I will need to drain the pool at times in our next 70+ years together and put fresh water in… but it sure is a lot easier to upkeep when we don’t let it build up.
What’s in your pool?
Isn’t it time to go swimming with all your loved ones?
I think so, friends… I think so.
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To read the whole series:
Part One: In My Daddy’s Lap
Part Two: Floater
Part Three: My Empire
Our Friends Are Crazy
During last week’s “PrayerFest” in prep for us sharing our story, many of our friends wrote VERY encouraging emails.
I had to share my favorite from Chad Markley (you can read about Chad and Sarah’s story HERE):
Tomorrow will get “hot” and maybe even unbearable at times. But remember like the three Israelite kids in the furnace….Christ was there waiting, he preserved them through it without a scratch or even the smell of smoke. Most of all, He used the intense heat to burn away the ropes that bound them. Tomorrow, He is going to burn the ropes that have been keeping you guys bound up!
We believe in you two, but even more so in the God that you represent.
You flip that King of Babylon the bird tomorrow and jump in that furnace head first!
We love you two.
Chad
This came in shortly after I took this picture of us Skyping:
Don’t worry… this only happened AFTER they prayed over us. Or… maybe you should worry. I’m not sure.
Everyone needs a friend that will tell them to flip the King of Babylon the bird.
Chance’s 4th Birthday Party
We celebrated Chance’s 4th Birthday on Saturday.
Stephanie Baker helped me plan the WHOLE event. We thought up the Safari theme and ran with it. She even translated all the kids games into “Safari/Animal” games. She and Zena TOTALLY helped facilitate all the kid stuff so I could focus on the food, cake, photos, parents portion of it. They helped make it SO fun for the kids that they didn’t even notice the bi-polar weather (in the 2 hrs we were at the park, it was sunny, it rained, was sunny hot again, and then rainy again as we were cleaning up). Chance had a BLAST!!! I am SO thankful for these girls!
Here are some photos I took from that day.
These are the vegan cupcakes we (Crystal and I) made. A couple of Chance’s friends have some allergies so we thought we’d make it more friendly to everyone. Well… the frosting wasn’t vegan, but it didn’t have anything they were allergic to in it, so we were good. They were actually quite good!!!
We wanted to conserve a bit, so we got these cute cups they could use AT the party as well as hold all their party favors to take home. Of course, I had to write their names on the cups… swine flu and all, right?
The skies… threatening to rain on our safari… THEN actually raining on it for a few minutes.
The kids lining up in prep to attack Stephanie with their water balloons. This was Chance’s FAVORITE game.
Janet and Paxton… REAL FRIENDS come to 4 year old birthday parties… even if they don’t have 4 year olds. Man, I LOVE this woman! Isn’t she beautiful?
Blowing out the candle. I think I forgot to tell him to make a wish. I’ll make it up tomorrow… for his REAL birthday!
Chance has been waiting for this ALL year!
I’ve decided that kid’s parties are EXHAUSTING!!! But it was really fun being creative on how to make this event memorable for Chance, yet cost effective. We spent a fraction of what we spent last year… and I think it was more fun for the kids. That’s success!
Thank you to all the grown ups that hung in there with us during the sunny, now raining, now sunny, now STORMING weather! You really helped make Chance’s day.
What have YOU done for your kids’ parties?
OR
What was your favorite party memory as a kid?
I’m taking notes here!!!
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UPDATE: Cupcake Recipe as requested:
Fluffy White Cupcakes: makes 22 cupcakes
1 TB apple cider vinegar
1 ½ scant cups plain soymilk
2 1/8 cups flour
2 tsp. baking powder
½ tsp. baking soda
½ tsp. kosher salt
1 1/8 cups sugar
½ cup oil
1 ¼ tsp. vanilla extract
½ tsp. coconut extract
Preheat the oven to 350º. Spray 22 muffin cups with nonstick spray or line with paper cupcake liners (I like to spray the inside of the muffin papers with nonstick spray to help the cupcakes release). Set aside.
Place the apple cider vinegar in the bottom of a liquid measuring cup and fill the cup with soymilk to equal 1 ½ cups. Stir well and set aside (the mixture will curdle).
In a large mixing bowl, stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. In another mixing bowl whisk together the soymilk mixture, canola oil, vanilla, and coconut extract. Add the wet to the dry ingredients and beat until smooth using a hand-held mixer, stopping once to scrape down the sides of the bowl.
Fill each muffin cup with ¼ cup of batter. Bake for 15 to 20 minutes, until a cake tester inserted in the middle of a cupcake comes out clean.
Let cool in the pans for 5 minutes, then remove cupcakes from the pan and place on a wire rack. Let the cupcakes cool completely before frosting.
My Beautiful Friend, Sarah…
… has an amazing story to share.
Today was the first day of the “series” on her blog HERE.
I really want to encourage you guys to go over there an take a readsies. Her bravery is unmatched and her honesty is to be revered. She’s painfully authentic in sharing her life… laying it all out there.
At the same time… in her honesty, I’m sure there will be people who don’t really know WHAT to say and may accidentally say hurtful things. Please pray for her and Chad in this process… as they continue to work on healing, restoration and come out to share their story.
We ALL have much to learn because our lives are a bit more connected and similar than we’ll ever know.
You can find Sarah here at SarahMarkley.com
You can also find her husband, Chad, here at ChadMarkley.com
The series in Parts:
Part One – My New Name
Part Two – Cliche’s
Part Three – Dripping
Part Four 1 – Crash
Part Four 2 – Foundation
Finale – I’m Not Ashamed Anymore
Ask Jenni & Crystal…
It’s been awhile.
Life has been kind of crazy… but in a really good way. I’m learning about Brian… and loving every moment of it. I’m seeing new parts of my Chance and Paxton’s personalities popping up. I’m learning a lot about myself. A lot about who I really am. About who I’m MEANT to be… and about who I’m NOT, despite Satan’s crazy attempts to make me believe differently.
All that to say: I don’t blog nearly as often as I used to. I’m not as noisy… but I’m still here.
ANYHOO… Crystal is visiting Portland ALL week and so we thought we’d have some fun with it in the blogosphere. Check out our video below:
Ask anything. About me. About her. About us… and our Womance.
Serious or Silly… JUST ASK!!!
Jenni on Skype: jclayville 
