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Second Chances: 10 Years

May 27, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Life Experience, Marriage with 18 Comments

Today is Brian and my 10 year anniversary. A DECADE! A decade’s worth of second chances. Second chances to the second chances to the second chances.

And as beautiful as today is, it will always trigger bittersweet feelings.

I think the most difficult part of receiving a second chance is I’m still in the same skin that chose an affair 5 years ago. When I look at myself in the mirror, it’s the same face that lied to my husband. And unless I get some drastic plastic surgery soon, that fact won’t change.

But the truth is I AM different. My spirit is different. I know different. And most importantly… my heart is different.

Without my biggest failure and the second chance I received after it, I wouldn’t know how to extend grace today JUST like I didn’t know how to extend it back then. Like my good friend, Laura Lasky, has said to me many times: “You can NOT give what you don’t know how to receive.”

With that… I thought I’d re-post our renewal vows from last year.

Brian’s:

You have been part of my greatest moments of joy and my deepest pain.   I am grateful for the experience of both because of who I have become.  Today I am a stronger, better person because you are part of my life.  I am so thankful that our story has turned out better than so many.  I am so eager to see where our journey will take us over the next 30 years.  My prayer is that God would use our story to help hundreds of other people find their way back to God and restore broken relationships.

I intend to grow old, bald, wrinkly and wobbly with you (Lucky for you, I’ve pretty much already accomplished that).  I will strive to put your needs above my own.  I will cherish the busy, chaotic, stressful and challenging times with you by my side.  I will relish the times of relaxation, solitude, and pleasure with you.  I will always share my deepest fears and grandest dreams with you.  When I feel like shutting you out, I will embrace you and trust you with my heart.

When you are wounded, I will pick you up.  When you are joyful I will celebrate with you.  When you are scared I will embrace you.  When you feel lonely, I will hold you.  When you are threatened I will protect you.

I will do my best to seek God first in my life so I can be the spiritual leader you deserve. I will love you and only you.  I will always choose you!

Mine:

Well… obviously the first time I did this, it didn’t take so well. In fact, I don’t even remember what I said the first time around because I was so nervous and distracted from Renee losing the ring.

However, that was 9 years ago… and I’ve learned a lot since then. I still hate that it took the failure of our original marriage to realize my misguided understanding of what it takes to make our marriage a success… but I’m humbled and grateful for this second chance most couples don’t get to see OR experience.

So… for the next 99 years:
Instead of waiting for you to pick up your socks, I’ll just do it. I’m closer to the ground anyway.
Instead of kicking you when you’re snoring, I’ll just put earplugs in.
Instead of assuming what you didn’t say, I’ll ask you about your thoughts.
Instead of reading INTO what you DID say, I’ll take you for face value.
Instead of looking for what’s wrong, I’ll seek out all that’s right.
Instead of shouting to be heard, I’ll stop and listen.
Instead of waiting to be pursued, I’ll intentionally pursue you
Instead of justifying my wrongs, I’ll humbly say “I’m Sorry!”
Instead of looking to another man to determine my value, I’ll choose to see YOUR value.

Brian, now that I finally know what it means to love, I vow to not only love and respect you with all that God has created me with… but I promise to seek out God’s desires for me… for US, often and consistently. I promise to love our children unconditionally and raise them to love God and love others. I will teach them how to extend grace and compassion by example… by the example God revealed to me through you in my biggest failings.

I vow to see you and only YOU till I can’t see anymore. I promise to listen carefully for God’s promptings till my future hearing aids are merely ear jewelry. I promise to love you till I breathe my last breath. And I vow to never forget the second chance God gave me… gave us… to prove that His REDEMPTION is real in a broken and hurting world. And finally, I promise to remember God’s desire and PURPOSE for us.

He chose us for one word and action: Restoration.

YOU TOO ARE WORTH A SECOND CHANCE. Always and forever worth it.

You just need to extend your hand to receive it.

Second Chances: Cindy Beall

May 26, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Marriage, Ministry with 5 Comments

My good friend, Cindy Beall, is one of the most gracious (and funniest) people I know.

What began as me reaching out and grasping for any little bit of hope (and a lot of blog stalking) after the confession of my affair, soon became a real life friendship. I finally got to hug her in real life for the first time two weeks ago in Nashville. We were both at the Leading and Loving It Retreat and what was amazing was when we first saw each other, it was like seeing an old friend again.

This is not Cindy’s first time guest posting over here in my little corner of my internet real estate. She’s posted HERE and HERE before… and this won’t be her last either. Cindy’s book, “Healing You Marriage When Trust Is Broken”, has just been published by Harvest House and will be available soon.

Cindy’s Blog: www.cindybeall.com
Cindy’s Twitter: @cindybeall

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The day my husband, Chris, confessed his unfaithfulness to me will be forever etched in my mind. One doesn’t soon forget that sort of experience. It rocks you. It damages you. It breaks you. It shapes you.

It changes you.

It is my belief that when marital unfaithfulness occurs, one has grounds for divorce. I believe the Scriptures speak to this in Matthew, chapter 5. For some reason God, in His perfect wisdom and revelation, said that the marriage covenant would be broken due to this sin.

I could have left my husband and many, including God, would have understood me doing so. But that didn’t mean I had to. Adultery is grounds for divorce but I believe that it’s also an opportunity for forgiveness, renewal, brokenness and a second chance.

The other day that has been indelibly carved into my mind is the day I decided to trust God to make something beautiful from the mess we got ourselves into. That day I decided to take God at His word when He says that in all things He works for the good of those who love him.

In the process of extending a second chance to my husband, I realized just how much forgiveness had been extended to me. From God. From friends. From family. I came to this conclusion: How in the world can I not give a second chance to someone when I’ve received so many myself?

So I extended that second chance my husband. It wasn’t easy. It was far from comfortable. It took every ounce of my being not to throw it back into his face.

And yet here we are…a little over nine years since “the day”. We are closer and stronger than we have ever been. We are more honest with each other and are truly best friends. These last nine years of our marriage have been so much better than the first nine years. God did all of this through two broken, willing people who simply said, “Our lives are not our own, God. Use them.”

We all need to extend second chances.

Love one another. Show grace. Extend mercy.
Because one day you will need it extended to you.

Second Chances: Mike Foster

May 25, 2011 in Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Ministry with 14 Comments

My friend, Mike Foster (along with Jud Wilhite) co-founded the People of the Second Chance movement. He’s helped manifest a safe and grace-filled place for imperfect people. A place where messed up people don’t have to feel as messed up. A place where the unaccepted can feel loved. A place where the sinner can experience grace… sometimes for the first time ever.

A place where someone like me can thrive.

POTSC allows people like me an opportunity to have God re-reveal His purpose in me. We all NEED a second chance. We all need to GIVE a second chance. And we need to BE the second chance.

I’m humbled that I get to call Mike a real friend. And one day, I can only hope that I extend the same amount of grace that I’ve been been shown in what Mike talks about.

POTSC’s Blog: www.potsc.com
Mike’s Twitter: @mikefoster

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We all have set opinions and beliefs about grace and second chances. If you’re like me often culture, church, upbringing, friends and my own prejudices have crafted these beliefs.

One of the most incredible things that I’m personally discovering is that grace is greater than I could ever of imagined. No seriously! It is wilder, radical and mind blowing than most of us think it is. I truly believe all of us are just beginning to touch the tip of the grace iceberg in our lives.

So what has caused this new thinking? Well…I’ve listened to the crazy awesome stories coming through People of the Second Chance. I have had the opportunity to connect firsthand with people and see how grace has revolutionized their lives. I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone and experimenting more with giving grace.

These things all add up to a much needed recalibration of my point of view. If I had believed in the power of a second chance before, I REALLY believe in its power now. So here are a few simple things I’ve discovered on this recent journey.

1. My ideas about grace are too small. Really waaaaaaayyyy too small. My doubts and fears still cause me to dramatically limit the power of giving a second chance. Grace has been boxed up and bubble wrapped for way too long. It is time for all of us to have more courage and take more risks in exploring grace.

2. A second chance is the greatest gift we can give someone. According to psychologists and researchers, one of the deepest core needs of a human being is a place to belong. Sex, food, water AND belongingness. When we give a second chance we meet this critical need. Judgment pushes people away but grace brings someone close.

3. Real grace makes me seriously uncomfortable. If it is 100%-pure-authentic- no-holds-bar-grace it should knock me out of my comfort zone and cause some serious tension. If it doesn’t do this then it’s probably something different than grace. Radical grace should leave me with questions and confusion…and that’s OK.

4. Grace is a lifestyle, not an idea. We can debate, discuss and preach all we want about second chances but that won’t change a thing. Grace must be unleashed in our day-to-day life. Our real beliefs about grace are carried out in our actions. For the guy who cuts you off in traffic. For the friend that stabbed you in the back. For the lady at work who drives you nuts. That is where second chance living is demonstrated and proved. Grace is a lifestyle choice and must deeply impact how we live and interact with the world.

WHAT IS PEOPLE OF THE SECOND CHANCE? from PEOPLE OF THE SECOND CHANCE on Vimeo.

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Thoughts?

Second Chances: Lori Wilhite

May 24, 2011 in Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Ministry with 8 Comments

Lori Wilhite (the cutie on the left. Tiffany Cooper, on the right is cute too, but she’s not our diva of the day today) is the founder of Leading and Loving It, a ministry that connects, encourages, and equips Pastor’s wives and women in ministry.

We have been friends for over 2 years now… but became close friends about 18 months ago when I watched her and her family not only survive, but rise above an incredibly graceless attack. In response, I saw Lori step up and out of her hurt and extend one of the most gracious and loving second chances to all who were involved.

Through this experience, God somehow connected our hearts and made us soul sisters. It’s one thing to have girlfriends. It’s another thing when God blesses you with high caliber and quality girlfriends like Lori.

Lori & Jud are some of the most generous people Brian and I know. But I mostly love Lori because she laughs at all my jokes. That’s how you become my forever friend.

Lori’s Blog: w ww.leadingandlovingit.com
Lori’s Twitter: @lori_wilhite

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Here in Vegas, one of our church campuses is inside the Florence McClure Women’s Correctional Center. A few months ago, we had the joy of getting to go worship with those ladies in person. We walked into a room with over 300 inmates in their blue jumpsuits. What we noticed immediately was the absolute joy radiating out of those ladies. They were beaming … smiling from ear to ear.

But, something else was immediately noticeable. Most of those ladies, many in their 20s, 30s and 40s, were missing teeth. Some ladies with two holes in their smiles, others with 4 or 5 gaps.

Apparently, when the inmates have dental problems, if it is cheaper to pull a tooth than to fix it, then that tooth is pulled. It does not matter if it is one of their front teeth or not, it is pulled.

So we looked out across this room of women who without shame of their gap-toothed smiles were beaming with gratitude for how God was moving in their lives.

That is the Smile of the Second Chance.

While most of us are not in prison, we sometimes are trapped in prisons of our own making. We’ve been hit, hurt, dinged and damaged along the way. At times those hurts come from others through criticism or betrayal. At other times, they are self-inflicted wounds that we carry because we feel like we do not live up to expectations or somehow feel like the odd man out. We walk around trying to hide our imperfections and our shortcomings. Yes, we may grin … but we refuse to smile widely revealing the gaps in our teeth.

Jana’s Story from God Behind Bars on Vimeo.

And I wonder if it is time, as people and as leaders, to embrace our Smile of the Second Chance … living joyfully and without abandon in who God made us to be. Knowing that we all have imperfections and shortcomings, and not allowing those to take away from the joy of smiling ear-to-ear.

So … smile widely.

Second Chances: Justin Davis

May 23, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Marriage, Ministry with 14 Comments

I just got to spend a week with my good friends Justin and Trish Davis while I was in Nashville. Though our friendship has been consistent over the last two years (thanks to modern day technology), nothing is like a giant bear hug and a REAL conversation over coffee.

For those of you who don’t know, The Davis’ story is a lot like Brian and mine… but flip flopped. You can read more about their journey on their blog (which I listed below).

Justin and Trish are not strangers here at JenniClayville.com. They have guest posted before and I’m sure this won’t be the last time either. We are not only thankful for them as friends, but we are beyond grateful that they introduced us to the ultimate second chance in our marriage.

So, Justin is gonna kick off this week’s Second Chances Series.

Justin’s Blog: www.refineus.org
Justin’s Twitter: @justindavis33

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I’ve always been a fan of second chances. I’ve needed about 1000 second chances through out my lifetime. I am, in a sense, the king of second chances. A famous phrase for me growing up was “Just give me one more chance.”

• The first time I came home late and got grounded, I pleaded with my parents, “Give me one more chance.”
• The first time I got pulled over when I was sixteen years old and knew I was going to get a ticket, I begged the officer, “Please give me one more chance.”
• The time I overslept in college and missed a mid-term exam, I remember crying to my professor, “Please Mr. Clymer, give me one more chance.”
• When I got caught drinking at a bar my sophomore year of college, I sat in the dean of student’s office and bargained with him, “If you will just give me one more chance.”
• When I failed a class and was on the verge of not being academically eligible to play basketball, I found myself at the mercy of the registrar “Please, give me one more chance.”

People would always say things to me like “Justin, you have so much potential.” “Justin, if you would just make wiser choices, you could one day reach your potential.” “Justin, when you mature and grow into your giftedness, the potential that you have is so great.”

People who take second chances for granted don’t need to grow into their giftedness; they need to grow into their character. It doesn’t matter how many second chances we are given if we don’t do something with it.

The thing about second chances is that they aren’t guaranteed. You can run out of second chances. I thought I had run out of second chances when my affair happened in 2005. There was nowhere left to run. There was no more potential to try to reach.

What I’ve come to understand is that it isn’t how many chances you are given, it is what you learn from the failure that matters. When Trisha extended an underserved second chance, there was no way I was blowing it. There is no doubt that grace is unmerited favor, but how we choose to live after receiving grace makes all the difference in the world.

What could your marriage be if you valued second chances? Not expected them, but cherished them. What could your relationship with God be if you were grateful for second chances? Not took them for granted, but were committed to making the most out of them.

Second chances can change nothing.
But second chances can change everything.

Second Chances: Anniversary Week

May 22, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Guest Bloggers, Life Experience, Marriage, Ministry with 8 Comments

This week is Brian and my anniversary week.

On May 27th of 2001, Brian and I were married. Young and naive about life… but in love… or at least in like.

In July of 2006, I chose to step into a full blown affair that lasted 2 years. For another year, I held onto that weight… thinking I would go to my grave with this secret.

On April 24th of 2009, in a hotel room in Orlando, Florida, I finally confessed it all to Brian.

After months and months (more like years) of intense and challenging counseling, coaching and a consistent prayer circle of friends, we decided… together… that we are better together than apart.

On May 22nd of 2010, in front of our closest friends and family members, Brian and I renewed our wedding vows.

We renewed our vows the week before our actual wedding anniversary so, to mark our in-between week, I thought I’d focus this whole week on second chances. I’ve received the ultimate second chance with my sweet husband… and as a result have received every other second chance I never knew I needed.

I have some amazing friends guest blogging this week about second chances:

Monday: Justin Davis
Tuesday: Lori Wilhite
Wednesday: Mike Foster
Thursday: Cindy Beall
Friday: Brian and I will wrap it up

So, if you’re out there today… wondering… thinking that you’re out of hope and out of chances… hang on, because this week is for you.

We are People of the Second Chance.
God knows I need it.