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Oprah Winfrey Tells Our Story…

July 15, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Life Experience, Marriage, Prayer, Television with 36 Comments

… sorta.

Brian and I were asked to share our story of infidelity back in September of 2010 on for the show “Unfaithful” which happens to run on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) on channel 256.

We were surprised when we were asked to share. Then, we were hesitant. We asked a million questions… our story is very public, but television is a whole ‘nother level of public… and we don’t have any control of how they edit or re-tell our words. A million thoughts plagued me.

I don’t want other people getting hurt.
My words could get twisted.
The world is going to call me an adulterous whore.
What if I say the wrong thing?
Oh my word! It’s Oprah’s network!
But it takes more than counseling and wishful thinking to heal a marriage.

I think that was our biggest holdback. Our story is about MORE than just my affair… it’s about my whole life as I’ve lived it. It’s about the dysfunction of my heart and mind that poisoned my marriage and God’s hand in healing us despite all of it. Though we are HUGE advocates of counseling and coaching… the healing of our marriage was nothing short of a miracle.

GOD healed our marriage. God restored our lives.

Brian and I prayed long and hard about it. And after a week of consideration, Brian said:

“God is all powerful. He can send a message through any medium. Even if they edit out all our mentions of God, He can still speak to the heart of the viewer. We are merely the voice on a platform.”

So we went ahead.

We spent over 20 hours in interview time on the phone. We hashed out our stories and re-hashed them again. They wanted so many details. Details that God had already thankfully blocked from my memory. Even with the blockage, Brian and I re-lived those first days when I confessed my infidelity. We were exhausted. Then, in November, they came out to our home in Portland and filmed us. They also filmed our therapist (she’s so great!).

Overall… we spent about 35 hours to help make this segment without compensation of any kind. Every person who shared their story on this series did so voluntarily.

Our prayer in our participation was to help those who might find themselves in the same place we once were to hear this:

You are NOT alone.
You are NOT unlovable.
You can be restored to an even better you.
God is in the business of miracles.
Jesus has already paid for your mistakes.

I think we’re the season finale. I say “I think” because I’m not sure I have any idea what’s going on. We were originally told by our producer that our episode, the season finale, would also be running on the 11th, but the schedule on the OWN website says we’re on next Monday the 18th at 9pm and re-running on Monday the 25th at 10pm.

So, tune in if you’d like. If you know someone going through the wreckage of infidelity… tell them about it too. And pray. Pray with us that more good will be done because of our segment… in this whole series. For hope to be planted in the hearts of the hopeless. And for every word we say to point to Jesus.

And for Oprah… for hosting a forum for such a taboo subject.

Brokenness…

June 8, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Guest Bloggers, Life Experience, Marriage, Ministry with 0 Comments

Today, I’m guest posting over at Leading and Loving It for ‘After the Wedding Wednesday.

In April of 2009, I finally told Brian about my affair. The affair had lasted two years, but I let it steal three from my family and me by hiding it and not revealing it in all its ugliness.

You see, secrets were something I kept well. I had a lot of secrets, so I thought, “why not just add this one to the list?” I never told ANYONE. I was never caught. But as I tried to keep this one hidden, it felt as if my soul was tearing away from me. The affair was no longer taking me away from my marriage and family, but now, I was stealing ME from myself. Worst of all, it was claiming everything I ever had with Jesus.

In my secrets, I was holding back any and every blessing I could have been or given to my kids and husband. I thought I was self-preserving… but in reality, I was self-mutilating my heart. I was failing at everything. In my quest to prevent complete brokenness, I soon found myself failing even that.

Brokenness ensued… and I embraced it…

To read more, CLICK HERE.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.

A Bit of Water

June 2, 2011 in Church Planting, Faith, Friends, Ministry, Paseo with 6 Comments

A couple of weeks ago, we had baptisms at Paseo.

I FINALLY downloaded my photos so I thought I’d introduce you to a few people and share their stories.

This is Maurice. Seven months ago, he walked onto a construction work site overseen by Rusty, a Paseo member, and asked for a job. Rusty… who is a natural shepherder, took Maurice under his wing as well as introduced him to Steve (our Community Pastor). Maurice immediately saw something amazingly different in his new boss, and in response stayed out of jail, was consistent in showing up for work and soon accepted Jesus into his heart. Maurice has been clean for almost 3 months now and was the first in his family and friends to invite Christ into his life. Steve baptized Maurice.

This is Amorette. And her dad, Vico, got to baptize her. When kids choose baptism, it always gets me. When parents get to baptize them, that gets me even more. I just keep imagining Brian hopefully baptizing our sons one day and I just light up. So often, we put kids in the box of “they’re kids and don’t really know what they’re doing…” but I remember being a kid and I remember knowing SOME things for certain. Just as certain as I am about those things today. This was one of the certainties I knew about at 12. And the reality is life only gets more difficult after this… so please keep Amorette in your prayers.

This is Mara. She’s Greg’s middle child and only daughter. She’s one of the most passionate people I know. And when Mara makes up her mind, very little can happen to steer her decision away. Mara is also good friends with Amorette… so it was really sweet to see two buddies make a decision to be baptized on the same day together… but separately. Seeing Greg & Jill’s face during all this just melted my heart too. We spend a lot of time with the Hunt’s so, watching Mara get baptized is watching a family member publicly declare her life for good.

This is Rosie. Three months ago, she found herself evicted from her apartment and homeless. Nick (our Leadership Resident for Community Engagement) and his roommate, Andy, gave her a couch to crash on so she could get back on her feet. In the process, Rosie began attending Nick’s Paseo Home group and found Christ there. She’s now on her own feet again and has a new best friend in Jesus. Sometimes, it really takes a rock-bottom to see really see Jesus for who He is… our SAVIOR. Nick, of course, got the amazing privilege of baptizing Rosie into our eternal family.

This exactly what Paseo is about.
This is exactly what my heart beats for.
This is EXACTLY why Brian and I uprooted our family, left everything we knew 1,800 miles away and raise our own support to do what we do down here.

Giving hope to the hopeless and changing lives for Christ.

Your turn.
Share a “hope” story with us!

Second Chances: 10 Years

May 27, 2011 in Adultery, Faith, Life Experience, Marriage with 18 Comments

Today is Brian and my 10 year anniversary. A DECADE! A decade’s worth of second chances. Second chances to the second chances to the second chances.

And as beautiful as today is, it will always trigger bittersweet feelings.

I think the most difficult part of receiving a second chance is I’m still in the same skin that chose an affair 5 years ago. When I look at myself in the mirror, it’s the same face that lied to my husband. And unless I get some drastic plastic surgery soon, that fact won’t change.

But the truth is I AM different. My spirit is different. I know different. And most importantly… my heart is different.

Without my biggest failure and the second chance I received after it, I wouldn’t know how to extend grace today JUST like I didn’t know how to extend it back then. Like my good friend, Laura Lasky, has said to me many times: “You can NOT give what you don’t know how to receive.”

With that… I thought I’d re-post our renewal vows from last year.

Brian’s:

You have been part of my greatest moments of joy and my deepest pain.   I am grateful for the experience of both because of who I have become.  Today I am a stronger, better person because you are part of my life.  I am so thankful that our story has turned out better than so many.  I am so eager to see where our journey will take us over the next 30 years.  My prayer is that God would use our story to help hundreds of other people find their way back to God and restore broken relationships.

I intend to grow old, bald, wrinkly and wobbly with you (Lucky for you, I’ve pretty much already accomplished that).  I will strive to put your needs above my own.  I will cherish the busy, chaotic, stressful and challenging times with you by my side.  I will relish the times of relaxation, solitude, and pleasure with you.  I will always share my deepest fears and grandest dreams with you.  When I feel like shutting you out, I will embrace you and trust you with my heart.

When you are wounded, I will pick you up.  When you are joyful I will celebrate with you.  When you are scared I will embrace you.  When you feel lonely, I will hold you.  When you are threatened I will protect you.

I will do my best to seek God first in my life so I can be the spiritual leader you deserve. I will love you and only you.  I will always choose you!

Mine:

Well… obviously the first time I did this, it didn’t take so well. In fact, I don’t even remember what I said the first time around because I was so nervous and distracted from Renee losing the ring.

However, that was 9 years ago… and I’ve learned a lot since then. I still hate that it took the failure of our original marriage to realize my misguided understanding of what it takes to make our marriage a success… but I’m humbled and grateful for this second chance most couples don’t get to see OR experience.

So… for the next 99 years:
Instead of waiting for you to pick up your socks, I’ll just do it. I’m closer to the ground anyway.
Instead of kicking you when you’re snoring, I’ll just put earplugs in.
Instead of assuming what you didn’t say, I’ll ask you about your thoughts.
Instead of reading INTO what you DID say, I’ll take you for face value.
Instead of looking for what’s wrong, I’ll seek out all that’s right.
Instead of shouting to be heard, I’ll stop and listen.
Instead of waiting to be pursued, I’ll intentionally pursue you
Instead of justifying my wrongs, I’ll humbly say “I’m Sorry!”
Instead of looking to another man to determine my value, I’ll choose to see YOUR value.

Brian, now that I finally know what it means to love, I vow to not only love and respect you with all that God has created me with… but I promise to seek out God’s desires for me… for US, often and consistently. I promise to love our children unconditionally and raise them to love God and love others. I will teach them how to extend grace and compassion by example… by the example God revealed to me through you in my biggest failings.

I vow to see you and only YOU till I can’t see anymore. I promise to listen carefully for God’s promptings till my future hearing aids are merely ear jewelry. I promise to love you till I breathe my last breath. And I vow to never forget the second chance God gave me… gave us… to prove that His REDEMPTION is real in a broken and hurting world. And finally, I promise to remember God’s desire and PURPOSE for us.

He chose us for one word and action: Restoration.

YOU TOO ARE WORTH A SECOND CHANCE. Always and forever worth it.

You just need to extend your hand to receive it.

Second Chances: Mike Foster

May 25, 2011 in Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Ministry with 14 Comments

My friend, Mike Foster (along with Jud Wilhite) co-founded the People of the Second Chance movement. He’s helped manifest a safe and grace-filled place for imperfect people. A place where messed up people don’t have to feel as messed up. A place where the unaccepted can feel loved. A place where the sinner can experience grace… sometimes for the first time ever.

A place where someone like me can thrive.

POTSC allows people like me an opportunity to have God re-reveal His purpose in me. We all NEED a second chance. We all need to GIVE a second chance. And we need to BE the second chance.

I’m humbled that I get to call Mike a real friend. And one day, I can only hope that I extend the same amount of grace that I’ve been been shown in what Mike talks about.

POTSC’s Blog: www.potsc.com
Mike’s Twitter: @mikefoster

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We all have set opinions and beliefs about grace and second chances. If you’re like me often culture, church, upbringing, friends and my own prejudices have crafted these beliefs.

One of the most incredible things that I’m personally discovering is that grace is greater than I could ever of imagined. No seriously! It is wilder, radical and mind blowing than most of us think it is. I truly believe all of us are just beginning to touch the tip of the grace iceberg in our lives.

So what has caused this new thinking? Well…I’ve listened to the crazy awesome stories coming through People of the Second Chance. I have had the opportunity to connect firsthand with people and see how grace has revolutionized their lives. I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone and experimenting more with giving grace.

These things all add up to a much needed recalibration of my point of view. If I had believed in the power of a second chance before, I REALLY believe in its power now. So here are a few simple things I’ve discovered on this recent journey.

1. My ideas about grace are too small. Really waaaaaaayyyy too small. My doubts and fears still cause me to dramatically limit the power of giving a second chance. Grace has been boxed up and bubble wrapped for way too long. It is time for all of us to have more courage and take more risks in exploring grace.

2. A second chance is the greatest gift we can give someone. According to psychologists and researchers, one of the deepest core needs of a human being is a place to belong. Sex, food, water AND belongingness. When we give a second chance we meet this critical need. Judgment pushes people away but grace brings someone close.

3. Real grace makes me seriously uncomfortable. If it is 100%-pure-authentic- no-holds-bar-grace it should knock me out of my comfort zone and cause some serious tension. If it doesn’t do this then it’s probably something different than grace. Radical grace should leave me with questions and confusion…and that’s OK.

4. Grace is a lifestyle, not an idea. We can debate, discuss and preach all we want about second chances but that won’t change a thing. Grace must be unleashed in our day-to-day life. Our real beliefs about grace are carried out in our actions. For the guy who cuts you off in traffic. For the friend that stabbed you in the back. For the lady at work who drives you nuts. That is where second chance living is demonstrated and proved. Grace is a lifestyle choice and must deeply impact how we live and interact with the world.

WHAT IS PEOPLE OF THE SECOND CHANCE? from PEOPLE OF THE SECOND CHANCE on Vimeo.

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Thoughts?

Second Chances: Lori Wilhite

May 24, 2011 in Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Ministry with 8 Comments

Lori Wilhite (the cutie on the left. Tiffany Cooper, on the right is cute too, but she’s not our diva of the day today) is the founder of Leading and Loving It, a ministry that connects, encourages, and equips Pastor’s wives and women in ministry.

We have been friends for over 2 years now… but became close friends about 18 months ago when I watched her and her family not only survive, but rise above an incredibly graceless attack. In response, I saw Lori step up and out of her hurt and extend one of the most gracious and loving second chances to all who were involved.

Through this experience, God somehow connected our hearts and made us soul sisters. It’s one thing to have girlfriends. It’s another thing when God blesses you with high caliber and quality girlfriends like Lori.

Lori & Jud are some of the most generous people Brian and I know. But I mostly love Lori because she laughs at all my jokes. That’s how you become my forever friend.

Lori’s Blog: w ww.leadingandlovingit.com
Lori’s Twitter: @lori_wilhite

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Here in Vegas, one of our church campuses is inside the Florence McClure Women’s Correctional Center. A few months ago, we had the joy of getting to go worship with those ladies in person. We walked into a room with over 300 inmates in their blue jumpsuits. What we noticed immediately was the absolute joy radiating out of those ladies. They were beaming … smiling from ear to ear.

But, something else was immediately noticeable. Most of those ladies, many in their 20s, 30s and 40s, were missing teeth. Some ladies with two holes in their smiles, others with 4 or 5 gaps.

Apparently, when the inmates have dental problems, if it is cheaper to pull a tooth than to fix it, then that tooth is pulled. It does not matter if it is one of their front teeth or not, it is pulled.

So we looked out across this room of women who without shame of their gap-toothed smiles were beaming with gratitude for how God was moving in their lives.

That is the Smile of the Second Chance.

While most of us are not in prison, we sometimes are trapped in prisons of our own making. We’ve been hit, hurt, dinged and damaged along the way. At times those hurts come from others through criticism or betrayal. At other times, they are self-inflicted wounds that we carry because we feel like we do not live up to expectations or somehow feel like the odd man out. We walk around trying to hide our imperfections and our shortcomings. Yes, we may grin … but we refuse to smile widely revealing the gaps in our teeth.

Jana’s Story from God Behind Bars on Vimeo.

And I wonder if it is time, as people and as leaders, to embrace our Smile of the Second Chance … living joyfully and without abandon in who God made us to be. Knowing that we all have imperfections and shortcomings, and not allowing those to take away from the joy of smiling ear-to-ear.

So … smile widely.