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Tag Archive - Life Experience

Two Years Ago Today…

November 3, 2010 in Adultery, Faith, Life Experience with 38 Comments

… I was hiding the most rancid secret.

Two years ago today, I promised myself I would NEVER tell Brian about my infidelity.

Paxton was about to be born (November 6th) and I needed to preserve that facade of the perfect happy family. I remember feeling completely empty and comatose inside, but man, I could act. I bottled up every feeling, every epiphany, every unveiling of emotional tragedy I knew I needed to grieve because if I let ONE tear drop, the whole dam would break loose. And I just couldn’t be bothered with that.

Though I still believed that God was powerful and righteous, I’m not sure I believed He was good anymore. I remember wondering if He even knew my name. And though I made a living by singing and leading others into song about God being more than enough for us, the truth is I believed the complete opposite. I told myself God had forgotten me and all I had was myself.

My shitty self.

I was in a wrestling match with the God of the Universe. I barely remembered God ever speaking to me in my life. I forgot I was created with a purpose. The obvious and real miracles He had previously performed in my life became overly-justified bouts of luck. I neglected to see the blessings He had already poured down on me. How could I enjoy His blessings when I was overwhelmed with being underwhelmed?

I couldn’t see past my self-disgust. So, I spoke myself into unworthiness.

Then, one day… I stopped wrestling long enough to realize God wasn’t wrestling back. He was just holding me tight enough so I would stop hurting myself. The writhing and constricted feeling was a result of my own movements. Not His.

And as I paused just long enough to catch my breath, God leaned in and whispered…

“It’s time to break your worthless promises to yourself and let Me follow through with Mine.”

Some promises were meant to be broken.

I wish I could tell you I’ve given up wrestling. I wish I could tell you “Here I am… two years later, and my story is all wrapped up in a perfectly tied golden ribbon.” but I can’t.

Instead… here I am… two full years later…

…still healing from people who broke me.
…still choosing not to break myself even more.
…still trying to get back the years I abandoned my family & God.
…still resisting the urge to wrestle my God because I think I’m scrappier.

Two years ago today, I was hopeless.
Today, though I’m far from being “all better”, I’m more hopeful.

And with the word “restored” tattooed on my left wrist and the words “choose love” disastrously carved around my right arm, I LITERALLY remind myself daily that I am worthy…

… because today, I am… whether I choose to believe it or not.

FORGIVENESS

March 10, 2010 in Childhood, Faith, Family, Life Experience, Personal Entries with 58 Comments

for·give [fer-giv]

–verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
–verb (used without object)
6. to pardon an offense or an offender.

We Christ followers talk about forgiveness a lot. We tell each other we NEED to do it or it will just eat us up inside. We hear stories of other people forgiving other people and blessings pouring in because of it. But when it comes to OUR lives and what it means to forgive, that’s when the word “forgive” becomes an impossible action.

When I did the unforgivable, Brian graciously forgave me. Not immediately… but after he processed what it really meant to forgive… he CHOSE to. He didn’t HAVE to… but he CHOSE to. Many people forgave me. Brian’s family, my sisters, my Dad, our friends. They CHOSE grace over judgment on me.

All except one.

My mother hasn’t forgiven me. I doubt she ever will.

I’ve caused her great embarrassment. Children are an extension of the parent and I am one seriously tangled mess of an extension cord. I’m no longer a viable showpiece because I’ve revealed the “wizard of oz” behind the curtain… and the reality is I’m nothing great. I’ve failed her. And that’s all I know because she hasn’t spoken to me since August 2009.

But here’s where I’m gonna get real with you. I’m gonna show my ugly and I’ll be honest… I’m a little scared right now. But, I’m gonna do it anyway (please be gentle).

I have NO right to ask for her forgiveness. I don’t have ANY place to receive it even if it was offered…

… because I haven’t forgiven her either.

Most of my counseling time is spent working through my childhood and how that’s manifested it’s way into my adulthood, relationship with Brian, and relationship with my children. 75% of my therapy time is spent digging up painful memories of how my mother treated me, looking at it, mourning it, and letting it go.

I’m not blaming my mother OR my past for my adult actions. However, how can you really change if you’ve never gone back to look at the problem face-to-face? I’ve NEVER grieved anything or allowed myself to FEEL. And I don’t want to live the rest of my life like that.

In Matthew 26:28, Jesus says:

“This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.”

So… here’s the hard part. Forgiveness isn’t just for me. Forgiveness isn’t just for those who forgive me. Forgiveness is for EVERYONE who chooses Him. Forgiveness is for those who haven’t or will not forgive me. Not forgiving my mother is like drinking poison and waiting for HER to die. So, I need to forgive…

… every disapproving look, sneer, grunt, glare.
… every time I was called ugly, fat, stupid, “the devil”.
… every slap in the face & body-slam into the walls.
… every weeklong silent treatment.
… EVERY wrong ever committed against the childhood me.

… not because I “have” to… but because I’ve been FORGIVEN by the Greatest. And so has she.

So, why do I still have the bottle of poison at my lips?

Our Story (Part Three)

October 15, 2009 in Adultery, Family, Guest Bloggers, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage with 5 Comments

Guest posted by: Brian Clayville

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The very thought of this was overwhelmingly humiliating for both of us. Jenni had just conquered several years worth of fear by telling me her most painful secret and now a week later, I was asking her to expose this ugliness to all those closest to us. She shut down in fear…

… but not for long.

Within 24 hours, Jenni did as I asked. Our pastor and his wife were at our house the next night. Jenni shared her story boldly, even though she knew she could lose her job as the Worship Pastor at the church. This was a big deal because we really needed this income. Our fear was quickly quieted and Jenni’s willingness to be honest was embraced. Matt and Cindy were gracious, forgiving and supportive. Not only did they choose to keep Jenni on staff, but they really helped us in many ways through our healing process. I can’t say many people in church leadership are like this.

Over the next few days, Jenni called our closest friends… the ones she had lied to and confessed her story. One of her first calls was to the wife of the man she had the affair with. That’s a whole different story, but I can tell you that she forgave Jenni and they are actively working through an amazing restoration in their friendship. The reaction from the rest of our friends and family were varied but most were very forgiving and full of grace. I was and still am so proud of her for being willing to risk so much and to be so vulnerable.

The months following didn’t get any easier. I guess you can say I was going through the grieving process. I pulled back from life. Several times, I wanted to give up on our marriage and just escape the pain. Maybe a handful of people checked in on me or called to encourage me… but this was rare. I’m not saying this is their fault, but the reality is people didn’t know what to do or what to say, so they just did nothing. Jenni and I had counseling but that was only an hour every week.

I felt abandoned.

The worst part was how distant I felt from God. I withdrew from Him just as I did from most people in my life. He felt so distant and irrelevant to me that I could not bring myself to pray or seek him with any consistency.

Finally, in mid-August, I knew it was time to stop focusing on my pain. It was MY turn to heal. It was time to come out of this desert. I asked God to use my horrible reality for his Glory. It was not clear to me what that meant or how I would do it, but I MADE that decision.

Jenni arranged a last minute trip to my parents’ house in La Grande. We spent a lot of time praying, being quiet and just BEING together. I found God again… right where I had left him. This weekend away became an instrumental time for our marriage. We were healing. Not just the pretend-stuff-it-under-the-rug “healing”… but we were falling in love again. Me and God… and me and Jenni.

We came home with a new hope, a new goal and a new future. We were like newlyweds. Everything was actually good, which was amazing because there was a time when I truly wondered if anything would ever be “good” again. My marriage was… no… is GREAT!

This was when God decided to do as I had asked – use my horrible reality for His Glory. In my quiet time with God, He spoke:

“It’s time for you to share your story…”

“WHAT??? Jen will NEVER go with this! She had a hard enough time telling those closest to us!” I argued back. But God was going before us in a way I had never imagined.

Jenni came home from her staff meeting that day and said, “Matt (our pastor) wants us to share our story at church… and I think it’s time.”

We knew this was God ordained. We knew it was time to finally obey God completely with our marriage. We were scared spitless. EVERYONE was going to know. EVERYONE was going to judge us… judge Jenni…

… but it was time.

(… to be continued …)

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Read Our Story in order here:

Part One
Part Two

For The Broken

October 11, 2009 in Adultery, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 4 Comments

Brian and I have gone public with our story, but we realize that not everyone likes to sit and listen to a podcast. So, we’ve decided to just write it down here.

We’re writing it for our records… for our healing… but we’re also writing it for you.

We don’t claim to be marriage counselors or relationship experts by any means. Heck, we’re still figuring out new things about each other on a daily basis. But we want to do this… because while we were in the midst of our darkest moments, the moments we thought our marriage was not going to make it, we felt completely alone. However, even though we FELT that way… the truth is, we weren’t.

Our hope is that where-ever YOU may be, even though you FEEL like it, you will know are NOT alone.

“Our Story” series will begin on Tuesday. We hope you will join us in praying:

** for the many out there who are still trapped in darkness.
** for the ones who are listening to the lie that they can never be forgiven.
** for the ones who think they are broken beyond repair.
** for the ones who really believe they are worthless.
** for the ones who have given up hope.

Here we are… a month after and really, we’re just starting to realize our story has very little to do with us… and much more to do with WHO God is in all of this. Jesus didn’t come for the well… he came for the broken.

He came for me…
…and he came for YOU.

He’s HERE for you.

I’m Mourning

October 7, 2009 in Faith, Friends, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 3 Comments

I am in mourning. It’s a dark place.

I’m mourning:

… the loss of my old marriage. :: When Brian and I decided to divorce our old marriage, we didn’t just divorce the bad, the affair, and the breakdown. Because so many of our good memories were mixed in with the timing of the affair, we had to knowingly divorce ALL the memories… including all the good ones. Everything was tainted.

… the loss of my old integrity. :: Before the affair, I can honestly say I really lived life as boldly as I could above reproach. People trusted me. People sought out my advice. The act of the affair destroyed ALL of that in one fell swoop. I’m starting over BELOW ground zero now.

… the loss of good friends. :: It’s always been easier for me to befriend guys than girls. I’ve only recently (in the last 4 years) connected with more women… but I could safely say that “my ladies” were less than 50% of my friend influence. Post-affair, I have realized I CAN NOT have close friendships with guys… so THAT 50% PLUS of my friendships must change… HAVE changed. I have therefore “lost” more than 50% of my friends.

But TODAY is a new day.

Today:

… I get to fall in love with Brian again. :: My new marriage to the same man has introduced a love I have never known before. I get to tell him, every day, that I choose him. I get to experience REAL life with him, unbound from the chains of my past secrets. I get to be loved to a degree I have never known till now.

… I get to live a life of TRUE Restoration. :: The integrity I had before was a false sense of self. It became my obsession… another thing I could “control”. It made my “fall” a much scarier, longer drop from grace. Restoration, however, has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with Jesus. I don’t get to control this… so I can’t mess this one up.

… I get to invest into a deeper love with my girlfriends. :: Not all girls are mean. In fact, I have found the women of my life to be quite wise, truth speaking and loyal. Irreplaceable, actually. I get to spend 50% more of my time discovering a REAL community.

Though I’m still in mourning… today is a new day. Today, I get to kick Satan in the jingles and say, “YOU DON’T GET TO WRITE MY STORY!” I know that mourning these losses WILL propel me forward to the new life I have awaiting me… a better life. Today, I choose to live in the light. And with that… I say…

“Good Morning!”

The light of the morning will not arrive until the dark of the night passes.

What are YOU trading in this morning?

Running

October 2, 2009 in Adultery, Blog Swap, Childhood, Faith, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 0 Comments

This is the post I guestblogged over at Lynse’s portion of internet real estate a couple of days ago. In case you didn’t see it…

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I’ve been running…

Since I was seven years old, I’ve been running.

When my parents divorced… I ran.
When I couldn’t find my significance… I ran.
When I was building my career and life… I ran.

You see, it wasn’t just the bad things I ran from. I had no idea how to process or deal with life in a healthy way. I didn’t understand that running from the issue didn’t resolve or change the issue… it only “misplaced” me. When anything ever happened to me, good OR bad, I ran.

Each time I ran, I just found myself more… lost.

This practice of running quickly trained me to stuff my feelings, hide my secrets and eventually, I was such a good runner, I ran STRAIGHT into another man’s arms.

“BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.”

“Still” scares me.
“Still” means I have to FACE my problems.
“Still” means I have to admit my mistakes.
“Still” means I don’t get to be all jacked-up and hopeless anymore.
“Still” means I NEED grace.

But you know what?…

“Still” also means I get to breathe.
“Still” gave me time to heal my hurts.
“Still” means that healing was just around the corner.
“Still” gave me a second chance.
“Still” means resolution and restoration.

“STILL” was exactly what I needed.

I stopped running and let others catch up with me. I let others carry me (which to be completely honest was and IS very uncomfortable for me, but needed), and more importantly… when I stopped, I realized I had no reason for running.

I spent 23 years running… non-stop. I was tired.

Aren’t YOU tired?